snakes on a plane, on a train, the hotel must be next

I have had the worst nightmares about snakes (still) for the past three days. I thought by watching the darjeeling limited again I might get rid of my nightmares, which were caused by the scene where the snake gets loose in the brothers' train compartment (it suddenly occurred to me, after racking my brain, that the origin of the skinny cobra snake in a previously mentioned nightmare came from that movie - this was confirmed when I watched it again friday, or saturday, forget which day).

This morning I woke up at 3 am and was sure there was a snake in my hotel room. How could that be possible, you might ask. You're on the 5th fucking floor. But snakes are quite devious. I mean, if one of those little reptilian bastards could bring down the entire garden of eden (with Adam being all like "Yo, Eve, why were you talking to that snake? What's wrong with you?" and Eve being like "What ever Adam. All you do is golf. I needed someone to talk to and the snake was there." and then Adam being like "Oh, so you're saying it's all MY fault we have to wear clothes now. Next I guess you'll say that all future men will be obsessed with naked women and that there might even be a magazine showing them in lingerie." and then Eve saying "Shut up and go away asshole. I have cramps.").

So, humor me for a second. A snake gets a job working at a laundry. When he finds out I'm checking in he manages to conceal himself in my towels. After the maid does her normal shit show job of stacking my linens in the bathroom, not noticing the snake hidden in the billion towels she leaves for me even though I specifically requested only one towel, well, guess it's hard to count when you're taking crack cocaine like it's a cough drop, the snake makes himself comfortable in my bed. Watches something on TV, probably a movie that he charges to my room (causing my expense report to be rejected).

Then, when he hears me opening the door when I get home at night, he hides behind a pillow. As I am a creature of habit (sort of), he knows I'll be leaving in 15 minutes to go to the gym and then get food. When I return he strategically conceals himself as a wrinkle in the comforter.

I get into bed. He waits until I'm about to fall asleep and then sneaks out of the comforter right near my face. He opens up his hood and then sprays poison in my eyes. While I'm all like "Dammit, stop it! I just had an eye operation!" he bites me. Or worse, stabs me.

And that's why I checked every drawer in my room when I got home tonight. Took all the pillows off the bed. Put my suitcase against the door so he couldn't sneak under the gap. And am currently trying to figure out how to brush my teeth without putting my feet on the floor.

Fucking snakes...