united pillow fight

Last night I was almost thrown off my plane, flying from DC to Denver. Why, you might ask, was I almost thrown off the plane, anticipating one of my Marine-like tirades with the f word, a physical altercation with one of the stewardesses, or an attempt to bodily harm one of my fellow passengers that won't talk quietly...no, all I did was throw a pillow. Or, honestly, a few pillows.

You know that never ending business trip where you just continually cross time zones and sit on a runway in delay mode every 3 or 5 days for months on end while life passes you by? It can cause some strange behavior. I'm sure someone has done a medical study. I should probably be on drugs.

Anyway, my colleague and I had just boarded the plane, or preboarded the plane since we both have a million bizillion miles which allows us to entomb ourselves on the plane first. Joy. We tried to sit together but natch the flight was full because united grounded all their 777s and had to reschedule everyone. I got to my seat, an aisle seat, and found this stupid pillow already sitting there. I stood up and looked three aisles down to my colleague, who had a middle seat, and said "dude, have a pillow". He declined the pillow. So, for whatever reason, I threw it at his head as soon as he sat down.

The only people on the plane, at this point, were those people who fly a lot. All jaded, overworked, jaundiced consultants, abused by customers. When the pillow bounced off my colleague's head, he got mad and threw it back, and then threw his own pillow for good measure. Then he threw every pillow he could get his hands on, which was 8. The other jaded consultants started throwing their pillows at me too. I had to fire back. That's what I was taught at work. Pillows were flying everywhere.

At some point during the massive pillow throwing situation, the pedestrians started to board. Someone got tagged with a pillow and complained. The next thing I knew some cake boy in a united uniform was reading me the riot act. Separated me from my peeps, the jaded consultants. Sent me to the back row, without extra leg room, for bad behavior. Told me I was lucky he wasn't throwing me off the flight. I couldn't stop staring at his mouth as he yelled at me for being a, ha ha, "security risk". Was that spit or lip gloss? Couldn't tell from looking at him.

And that's when I knew, we in these united states have lost our sense of humor and our souls. I'm not a terrorist. I'm just an irresponsible human being who likes to throw things at people. Why not treat the guy next to me who snored and farted for 4 hours the same way? At least my behavior only caused slight discomfort.

post script:

The fight continued at baggage claim. I was hit with no less than 7 luggage tickets while I waited for my suitcase. And two e-tickets. No casualties were reported, although some were heard to actually laugh while in the airport.