monogamy

The major problem I've always had with being in a monogamous relationship is that I am usually the only one actually being monogamous. Of course, I try to understand that men are from Mars and that causes them to sleep with slutty girls they meet on midnighthookup.com and that because as a woman I'm from Venus where we don't engage in that kind of behavior that I am responsible for the whole mis-understanding of what is to be expected in a relationship these days.

Like, for example, when a guy says to me "I can't figure out how to make you happy." So then I try to reiterate what I tell every guy that I date, which is "I will be happy as long as you don't fuck someone else". And then they are shocked when they fuck someone else and I'm

...wait for it...

not happy!

Keeping it simple for stupid doesn't always work out. I think in the future I will just present a more detailed request, maybe even laminate it so he can carry it around in his wallet, stuck to his lame ass glow in the dark peppermint flavored condom, laying out the specific rules about not fucking someone else:

- if we are dating, I would prefer you not fuck someone else even if, in your mind, it doesn't count because you paid her to fuck you

- especially if you used the money that you were supposedly saving to buy me a birthday present

- and it still counts that you fucked someone else even if I was in DC and you were in Bangkok and then you sent me an email right after letting me know what you did

- and then had the friend that you borrowed money from for my birthday present send me a bill for the aforementioned present because he needed his money back

- I would prefer you not fuck someone who will then email you pictures of herself sitting naked on the side of a bathtub and you will look at these pictures on my computer in my house and then forget to close them so that when I go to check my email I am instead looking at a naked picture of some girl you fucked

- and then gave a copy of a CD mix you made for me

- I would prefer you not fuck some girl who is going to throw a beer all over you, and me, when she runs into us at a party in NYC, especially if I am wearing a new dress and my favorite shoes, black silk stilettos, which are damaged by the beer

- but I'm not allowed to kick her ass for fucking up my shoes

- because, to be honest, I'm not going to kick her ass for fucking you because I realize you suck as a boyfriend

- it would be nice if you would not fuck someone who scored a 600 on the SATs, works part time as a librarian at an elementary school, and can't "handle the stress" of her life although it's okay if you intend to accidentally get her pregnant and marry her

- while we are dating because you think I'm not going to notice that you are married to a pregnant girl

-because I guess you are used to fucking people who got 600 on the SATs and don't understand the concept of "girl with brains"

- please don't fuck girls who have the same size foot as me because it's convenient to have someone else to fuck who also can wear my motocross boots

- please don't break up with me when you know I'm going to be gone for at least a week for a work related trip because you plan on fucking someone else for the week I'm gone but want to be able to get back together with me when I return home because you need someone to clean your apartment

- and then tell me I have no right to be mad when I find out you fucked someone else because "we were broken up that week"

- try to not fuck our marriage counselor

A lawyer could find the loop holes...which is why I won't be dating one of them anytime soon...