Pee T

The details of my heinous knee surgery are not worth going into here. Suffice it to say for two weeks after the surgery I honestly thought I was going to die from pain. And I mean I physically thought I was going to die.

One thing that lessened the pain was physical therapy. Or maybe the pain I endured in therapy was so great that the normal, every day pain of recovery seemed less. Anyway, when I moved to Baltimore from San Fran one of the first things I did was find myself a PT. It happened that a woman, who I will call X, had just opened a clinic in my gym. I became one of her first patients.

X was around my age. She was engaged to Y, who worked as her assistant. She spent hours doing extra therapy for me, and I often would be in sessions with her until 830 at night. There was a bar right next to the gym (good planning on some one's part!) and I would usually retire there for a drink and some peanuts before heading home.

As part of my PT I was also given a free personal trainer for a month. Let's just call him Z. He was a professional runner and in pretty high demand. Oddly enough, he had a close resemblance to my high school running friend Doug Rippey. I had gone through the other five trainers the gym had to offer in about a week, finding them all lacking and incompetent in even the most mundane aspects of working out (for the record, at that point I was going on 4 years working with a personal trainer, and was spoiled rotten by Tom Mendall and Shelley Hines, love and miss you both!). Z started joining me for my bar sessions after PT, and even participated in a few sessions to learn how to work better with my injuries. I kept waiting for Z to ask me out, but he never did.

So the holidays rolled around, and X invited me to her house for a party. She claimed she wanted to set me up with Z, who was shy, but who might open up in a social environment. So on the appointed night I showed up. The party had been in full swing for 3 or 4 hours (I was working late that Friday) and X was trashed. She grabbed my hand and pretended she was introducing me to people at the party, dragging me around like a child at a funeral, but it just seemed...weird. It was almost as though she were introducing people to me as her date.

Then, as I sat on the sofa next to Z and started trying to talk to him, X ran over, planted herself in my lap and put her head on my shoulder. Ignoring this, I continued trying to engage Z in conversation. I might as well have been talking to a frozen dog turd. The situation in my lap, however, was escalating. X began trying to fondle my tits. Then she grabbed my neck and started trying to force her tongue down my throat. I managed to fend her off, pretending that I had to go to the bathroom, but she followed me and was saying some very sexual stuff outside the bathroom door while I was peeing, including that it turned her on to listen to me pee.

I left the party shortly afterwards. Z ended up following me to my car. The interest of a female piqued his interest in me I guess.

For the record, I went on one date with him. He invited three of his friends. It was very high school. Also, when I was driving to his house to pick him up (get the picture - he was the bitch) I got lost because his directions sucked and I was on the cell with him and asked "so are you near the deaf kid sign?", the only visible land marker for miles, and it turns out the sign was in front of his house. I was like "why didn't you just say turn at the deaf kid sign" and he said "because the deaf kid is my brother and that's why the sign is there". How embarrassing.

I should also note that the hot guy muscle head of the gym got so wrecked at X's party that he peed his pants, and it was the talk of gym for the next few months. Why are the hot ones always so stupid?

Anyway, the next PT session was kind of awkward and I spent most of the time working with X's fiance Y. He assured me that X was just drunk and her behavior didn't mean anything, blah blah blah. Later, I went to the bathroom, and X followed me. I thought she was coming into the bathroom with me to apologize or something. To the contrary. While I was peeing she stood outside my stall door and said "You have a very strong stream". Oy vey. I cancelled all my remaining appointments, and started going to the gym at 430 in the morning so I could avoid everyone, X, Y, Z, and the idiot muscle head, who knew I knew he peed his pants and had taken to telling me stories about being abused as a child while I was trying to do my pull ups.

Shortly after the whole incident, X and Y broke off their engagement. X closed up shop and went back to her home town in New Jersey. I don't know what happened to Y. Muscle guy quit the gym and went to work for some other gym that offered Tae-Bo. As for Z, we had a heart to heart talk about life.

He told me that his deaf brother also had a drug problem and was mentally challenged. His mom started wearing a wig when he was in elementary school for reasons unknown. I suggested she might have converted to a very rigorous version of Judaism, which he said was "impossible". I was like dude, she is WEARING A WIG! NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!

Anyway, the drama was too much and as much as I lusted after free shoes and running clothes from his sponsor, I couldn't bring myself to date him. Also, his check engine light was on in his car all the time and he never got it checked. It practically gave me an ulcer.

I wish I could say X was the last woman in Maryland who hit on me, but that is not the case...