splinter

From the annals of useless friends:

Me: I have a splinter. (I sent him a pic of a splinter in my right index finger)
J: That looks like a good hand for slapping people.
Me: I only slap transvestites but am respectful of their eyelashes (NOTE: this referred to an earlier discussion where J asked what I would do if he showed up one day wearing fake eyelashes and I said I was okay with him being a transvestite - I would NOT slap a transvestite). I still have a splinter.
J: You better get that out before it becomes infected and you have to amputate it.
Me: Do I need that finger? I guess for typing. I could get a fake finger like in the royal tenenbaums. I could 3D print a bunch of them for different uses (gun, knife, stapler, pencil sharpener, label maker, ph tester, etc).

I can't get it out. I've tried tape, elmer's glue, a safety pin, tweezers, and telekinesis. I guess I'll have to resort to a time machine to go back to the moment before I got the splinter. That's going to suck up most of the evening. 
J: [no response]
Me: (a day later) I finally got the splinter out!
J: About time!
F: Thanks, J, for your help...[insert pic of me giving him the finger]