go to church and bow to the canadian

I don't know what got into me today. I swear I am still suffering from getting put to sleep for my surgery...btw, Jeffy, this entry contains a brief story about my latest cooking escapade. I know you hate it when I write about cooking, and since you pissed me off last night, I decided that was going to be part of my entry today.

So today I had to buy wine, go to home depot, and get groceries. Wine shopping I love. The guys at my shop know me, and I just walk around while one guy pushes my cart and the other one fetches me bottles to look at. Then they carry everything out to my car. It's like I do nothing but somehow I end up with a case of wine. Nice.

Then I went to home depot to get this black flexible pipe gutter stuff that you use to drain water from the gutter to your yard. No one was at home depot because it was kind of early this morning (I forgot about daylight savings time today - my wine store, btw, opens at 8 am on Sunday - is it just me or does that seem disturbing?) so all the orange apron people were mobbing me to see if I needed help.

hose roller thing

black pipe stuff

Anyway, I found this guy to help me with the pipe gutter stuff. I had a cart, with a hose roller holder thing in it, and that's it. The guy looked in my cart and said "oh, so I see you have a big painting job planned!" I was like, um, what? Then he started giving me painting tips. Not sure why he would think I was doing some painting when I just had a thing to store my monster 100 foot hose in an organized way. Crackhead.

Then I found the sections of pipe I needed and tried to take them out of the bin thing where they are stored. The guy was like "NO! DON'T TOUCH THAT!" I thought maybe the pipes were there for display purposes only. Then he points to a sign that says "see associate for assistance". Right. The fuckwit who thinks I'm going to paint with my hose storing thing is more qualified than I to pull a piece of pipe off the shelf.

The dude started trying to stuff the pipe in my cart, and actually hit himself in the face with it a few times before I said "look, I'll just carry it". So I'm walking along with this stupid wobbly piping and the guy says "you look weird, people are going to laugh at you". So I said "I'll just tell them my boyfriend is out of town" meaning, that I have to buy stuff at home depot instead of my boyfriend. He obviously was thinking of something else (pipe as penis, maybe?) because he said "you need to go to church".

Then I decided, since I have a can of tomato paste that I had to open for my soup, to find a recipe to use the rest of the tomato paste so I don't waste food. I see that as kind of an advanced cooking skill, and I was pretty proud of myself for flipping through my jewish sicilian cookbook til I found some spaghetti sauce I could make that required tomato paste. I wrote up my ingredients and headed to the store.

I have to admit, I feel pretty cool when I'm at the grocery buying raw ingredients. I used to just buy cookies and cokes. Now people will look in my cart and say "oh, you're making vegetable soup" or "oh, you're making beef stew" and they think I can cook. I don't know why I like that, but I do. And today I was standing in front of the garlic with this japanese guy and we were talking about how the garlic looked a little shit (I actually didn't notice the garlic looked bad because I think it all looks the same - anyway, I need to download some pictures of good garlic) and that guy probably walked away thinking I knew what I was talking about.

Anyway, at the safeway in my neighborhood they always have someone in the parking lot asking you to sign a petition for the stupidest things. If you refuse they heckle you as you walk to your car. So I had been plotting my whole shopping trip what I was going to do to get past this crazy lady standing out there with her petition to oust a school board member for teaching evolution. At first I thought I would pretend to be british or russian. But as I was practicing my accent while shopping (all the crazies in five points shop there so I was not the only one talking to myself) I realized the petition person would know I was faking. So when I walked out and was accosted by the crazy petition lady I said "I'm canadian, eh. I don't live here, eh. So I don't think I can sign your petition, eh."

Seriously, this lady bowed in my direction, like I was the fucking queen of england or something. Then she spread her arms wide and said (really loudly, which was embarrassing) "WELCOME! WELCOME TO OUR COUNTRY! I am SO glad you came to visit the United States! I hope you have a wonderful time!" Then she bowed again. Uh, okay. Like, I didn't say I was from the middle east or something. Canada is just next door.



Cooking tip: Do not put pepperoni in your blender.

Oops, have to go check the onions I was supposed to be browning but I started writing and forgot about them...