Thanksgiving drama

So my mom called me on Saturday morning, as I was leaving for the airport, to ask if I could find a ride to Williamsburg. She didn't bother to tell me she had broken her right arm and that it was in a sling. Anyway, I called my brother Bob, who lives 3 1/2 hours from my mom, and asked him to come pick me up at the airport. He was at an afghan buffet and said he would leave as soon as he was done eating.

It ended up being a great visit with him (we stayed up until 2 in the morning talking and laughing), though he had to leave Sunday night because he was having a new furnace installed. He got up at 4 am and got back to my mom's house at 730 this morning.

The reason he came back is that my mom said that I, the worst cook in the world, would have to cook dinner since she can't with one arm (funny thing, I talked to my niece tonight and said "I have to cook dinner because grandma only has one arm" and my niece thought my mom had broken her arm off - Bob said "and that's why you don't have kids"). It's a disaster waiting to happen. I don't know how to fucking cook.

Worse, my mom had frozen the turkey, and it was taking forever to thaw. We had it soaking in a brine and my mom realized the neck was still inside. So I had to take a fucking knife and hack away at the ice around the neck to get it out. I almost puked. It was like trying to pull a tampon out of a frozen person. Then I had to shove the turkey down into the brine. It was like holding someone's head under water. Ech.

And people wonder why I'm a vegetarian.

I also made dough for rolls. Everything will probably taste like shit. I explained the whole situation to my friend Cam, who said "well, how are you going to make the gravy?" Gravy???? I have to make fucking GRAVY too???? I don't know how to fucking make gravy!

She said she would keep her cell phone with her all day tomorrow in case I run into trouble. And then she said "I'm going to pray for you. I'm going to pray really hard."

This could be the worst thanksgiving meal ever.