crazy plane ladies

Even though I just got back from the UAE, I had to fly to Montreal today. I'll be here 3 weeks. I won't comment on the fact that OTHER consultants take a week off for just doing a three week engagement overseas, except to say I am obviously doing something wrong.

I had to fly Delta because my stupid company is cheap and they are our "preferred" airline. Why, I don't know. I've flown them 10 times in the past year and every time the trip turned into a shit show.

Today was no different. Back in the day, before my wonderful little company got bought out by a shitty large company, we always flew direct to our destination. But no. I had to fly through Detroit so my company could save $200 (less the $30 baggage fee that I wouldn't have had to pay taking the direct flight because it would have been with United, and shit, I spend so much time on their planes I think I have employee status). My flight out of Denver was delayed an hour and half and I arrived in Detroit 10 minutes before the flight to Montreal was taking off (remember the good old days when they would let you on as long as you were there before the flight's take off time?).

So I'm sitting on this plane full of aggro people who are missing their flights. And then, for some reason, it took like a billion years for them to open the door. I was in a window seat (HATE the window seat) and was tired from getting up at 4 in the morning and then listening to this shit of a 3 year old cry for the entire 2 1/2 hour flight (plus the hour we spent on the runway). I wanted off the plane, so I was trying to maneuver myself as close to the aisle as possible by hunching over the middle seat. I was wearing sunglasses.

Suddenly, this woman behind me goes "Oh my god...Drew Barrymore?" I start looking around the plane. Then I realize she's talking to me. Everyone behind her started shoving forward to see what was going on. I was like "Lady, if I were Drew Barrymore, do you really think I'd be flying on this shit plane?" She was like "but you look JUST LIKE Drew Barrymore" (which is totally false). Then the bitch grabbed a piece of my hair and pulled it. I was like dude what the fuck are you doing? and she was like "you are just so cute!". I was like get me off this fucking plane before I kill someone.

Then, on my rescheduled flight to Montreal I swear the stewardess was hitting on me. I was sitting on the aisle. I asked for some orange juice when it was drink time and when she handed it to me I thanked her. She was like "Oh, thank you for saying thank you. I really appreciate it." I was like um, okay. Then she leaned down and whispered in my ear "I can give you some extra pretzels as long as you don't tell any of the other passengers". I was like "thanks, but I don't want any pretzels" and then she says "Wow! You sounded just like a doctor when you said that!" Finding that comment completely random and insane, I responded "I am a doctor actually. I have a PhD in astrophysics." And then she said "That sounds so exciting! Maybe you can do my chart later!"

Ech. Then she winked at me when she was collecting up the used cups. I had to pretend to be comatose for the rest of the flight even though these two fucking kids behind me were being noisy and kicking the back of my seat (note to parents - do not bring your kids on a plane unless you've sedated them first). When I deplaned she shook my hand and said "It was a real pleasure having you on board".

No, really. The pleasure was all mine.