fat face

My poor colleague N. He had to drag me all over hell and gone today trying to get my visit visa updated so I don't have to leave the country to renew it. We couldn't find the immigration building and then, once we found it, it took us a while to get a parking space and find the room where they process the visitor visas because the building looks like it was designed by some hollywood director making a movie about scary government buildings. It was really hot today, and not a fun task to do when fasting and not getting sleep.

I had actually hired someone to renew my visa, but he needed a photo (for some inexplicable reason). N and I were working away on a technical reference model when he got the call saying we needed to come down to immigration immediately with the photos. I was freaking out, but then realized immediately in arab time means they aren't expecting you to show up for at least an hour.

N found a photo shop close to the base and the guy said he could make my photos in 10 minutes. I walked into the room where he was going to take my photo and tried to do something with my hair. I haven't washed it since last Thursday (it gets a salt water rinse when I go swimming so why wash it) and it was looking kind of bad as I haven't taken it out of a ponytail in forever.

N stood behind the photographer and made faces at me, including one that made him look like his eyes were going to pop out of his head. So I ended up with a horrible picture with my hair looking like crap and a stupid look on my face. The photog did not show the photo to me. He showed it to N, apparently thinking I was N's bitch or something. N told him to print 20 copies of the photo (and then complained about the price, roughly $20 - I was like dude, in the US you only get 2 photos for that price).

When the photos printed out I got to see how horrible the picture was. N was laughing the whole way to the immigration office. I told him that if I got kidnapped and he gave someone that photo so they would know what I looked like that I would kick his ass. I then said I was going to throw all the photos away, and N said he wanted them so he could make a collage of me, like a serial murderer. Hm. That seems creepy when I write it, but it was actually pretty funny when he said it.

We got to the immigration office after driving around for a while. Whenever N was getting aggro about the traffic I would pull out the picture and show it to him and he would laugh. Then while we were waiting for my visa guy (after we rushed to get there, he wasn't even there, so we had to wait 10 minutes for him) N examined the picture in more detail.

N: You look really fat in this picture. Which is weird because you aren't fat.
F: Thanks. Give me my picture back.
N: Look at your hair. It's so weird.
F: I look like a lesbian, I know.
N: Like you have a mullet. You would be the guy lesbian.
F: Nice. Give me my picture back.
N: You know, you look at least 10 pounds heavier in this picture. I think the problem is you have a fat face. (He holds the picture up next to my head). Yeah, you definitely have a fat face.

A short discussion ensues about how Africans have the best bone structure, and I obviously have flawed genes because I have no bone structure in my face, which is why it looks fat. Then my visa guy showed up right before N had the chance to totally destroyed my self esteem.

When we got back to the base, he told everyone about my picture and now they all want to see it. This french guy I work with said he wants a copy to put up in his cube. They all think it's so funny I have 19 horrible pictures of myself, and one horrible picture forever in my UAE government file. Great.

I am, however, grateful to N for helping me out with my visa renewal. I never could have figured the system out by myself, and he did everything for me.