who invited the asshole?

Last night Brassy invited one of his friends over for dinner. The friend, here after referred to as X, is a doctor. If his ego were a vehicle, it would surely be a blimp.

X was obviously uncomfortable in my presence, so I asked him about healthcare reform and his thoughts. He proceeded to tell me I'm a horrible patient, and that the reason I get bad care from my doctors is because I don't threaten to sue them. Interesting.

Then X insulted my doctors at Hopkins, and said the cancer treatment I received there was wrong. He said that hospital's reputation is way overblown. When I defended my oncologist, who was brilliant and nice, he wouldn't listen to me. He said my knee doctor was a hack and did a horrible job on my knee scar, and that he would never want to sleep with me because my scar is so hideous. Really. I love the way guys assume every woman wants to sleep with them.

I was getting pissed off, but could see in Brassy's eyes that he really wanted X and I to get along. So I walked outside and had a cigarette, then did the dinner dishes. Brassy and X were talking about the publishing business for a while. I decided to just ignore X the rest of the night because having a conversation with him was impossible.

We ended up on the back porch where I was lectured about smoking, as X took one of my cigarettes without asking and proceeded to light it. Then he did this weird Clint Eastwood impersonation of him doing surgery. I wasn't sure what to make of that. He looked at my shingles and confirmed the diagnosis, and said I must have an unhealthy diet. I mentioned that I eat mostly salads and fruit, as well as edamame, and he said that I am eating all the wrong things. He said "lay off the tea, coffee, chocolate, and milk products". I was like "I don't consume ANY of those things" but he didn't listen.

Then he offered to check out this swollen lymph node I've had for years. It needs to be biopsied (like I have time). He immediately diagnosed it as probably lymphoma, and said I needed to come to his office this week to have it taken care of. I was like, no, not going to do that. This caused him to fly into a rage about how stupid I am to turn down and offer from such a brilliant doctor as himself. He said I was going to die while I was over in the middle east. I was like great, thanks.

Things deteriorated super fast after that. He said smokers have stinky cooches and that guys never tell you. Neither do doctors. He said when he has patients with smelly cooches he puts on two masks with peppermints in them. I was like if that's true why wouldn't you tell them? You're their fucking doctor.

A discussion ensued about how guys would never tell a girl she smelled bad, with me saying that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. They both said they would still go down on a girl even if she smelled. Brassy got the spins and X realized it was 3 in the morning and he had to get up for surgery the next day. I can't say I was sad when he left. And, no offense Brassy, you can keep X as your special friend. Because I'd like to kick him in the balls.