my empire of dirt

Saturday I spent two hours of my life I'll never get back pulling weeds in my back yard. I actually didn't know some of the things were weeds until my guests came over for sushi night.

After I pulled up all the weeds my yard was looking like shit. I ended up going to bed at 9 pm last night because I was so tired from the week's engagement, and got up at 4 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I realized around 7 am that home depot would be open so I went and bought 40 plants for my yard. I know, what was I thinking?

So I've spent the day burying them and trying to get the rest of the yard in order. I bought something called dragon's blood, because it sounded cool. And some little green spiky things because they look like robots. I bought two plants that had pink flowers on them, and some more lavender because I planted that last year and it didn't die.

What a fucking pain in the ass when I got home though. I was digging for like a million years. Then I kept forgetting that I had planted stuff in a certain place and accidentally stepped on some of my new plants. Also, I was afraid while I was digging that I was going to dig up a snake, because they hide underground, so I had to put these huge shears on my lap, opened, so that if a snake came out of the ground I'd be able to chop it in half. Then I remembered this story someone told me about how a snake's head can bite you even if it's dead. So I had to take my little cushion thing that I had been kneeling on and make a barrier in front of me in case, when I chopped the snake in half, the head came flying towards me. Now my knees hurt. Fucking snakes, I hate them for almost biting me and making my knees hurt.

There were little direction things that came with all my plants, but some of them I couldn't read because I got mud on them, and others I read but found to be ridiculous. Like one said to plant the plants at least 8 inches from each other. But the plants themselves were only an inch big. That seemed really gay, so I planted them closer together. I think if they're so far away from each other they'll die because they think no one cares, but if they're close to each other they'll all grow up to be great because they're trying to outdo the other plants to be the best looking plant. Then I had more plants than I had holes, and didn't feel like digging more holes, so the final 4 plants I put into one big hole in a little pattern.

Finally, because my yard was a total muddy shit show, I decided to put down some grass seed I found in my garage. Even though I hate grass, I hate mud worse (except digging it, and mushing it around, that was the only fun part today). I pulled out all these little pellets that smelled like dog food and put them all over my yard. After wasting 20 minutes doing that I happened to glance at the bag and realized it wasn't fucking grass seed, but grass seed accelerator. What the fuck is that? It's like my grass is going to be split and then someone can build a bomb out of it? I was annoyed, even more so because now my yard smells like dog food.

I'm hopeful things might go good for my new plants because I have grown some plants in the past. My best plant is a christmas tree named Michael. When I got him he was only up to my knee and now, two years later, the little bastard is almost as tall as me. If he keeps being good and not dying this year I'm going to get him some beads for decoration.

I know I'm supposed to water stuff after I bury it, but it looks like it's going to rain, so I'm holding off. I figured whatever deity controls the weather has got to do a better job of watering than I could.