mormons and cookies

Last night I went to see the book of mormon with my friend C and her daughter Bailey. Bailey's 21 and she reminds me of myself (no real interest in boyfriends because they are a waste of time and money, likes travel and adventure and has no intention to live a "normal" life). We hit it off from the get go and she asked me to teach her to climb, which I am going to do as soon as my foot is more solid. I'm pretty much over having a hurt foot.

My favorite line from the musical is when a mormon sings "I'm going to man up all over myself".

My favorite part was when the natives were doing the dysentery dance and the chief ran over to the mormon elders or what ever they're called and farted in their faces. Not because I care about a mormon getting farted on. I just find farts funny. It still makes me laugh remembering that part.

The musical, btw, makes fun of all religions, not just mormons.

And, the other day I made cookies for my colleague Dave because he did some shit for me. They were gluten free and I used agave nectar instead of sugar. MOST people liked them. But then Mr. Army the crazy fuck (who has a thing about cookies I bring in for some reason) decided to confront me about my healthy cookies:

Mr. Army: Those cookies tasted like shit! Why are you always making healthy shit?
Me: Because I care about the health of everyone I work with.
MA: I'd rather die early than eat a cookie like that again!
Me: Did I just say "go fuck yourself" out loud or did I just think it?
MA: No, fuck your cookies! And what's organic peanut butter anyway?
Me: It's peanut butter that's organic. Are you fucking stupid?
MA: Not fucking stupid enough to eat your cookies.
Me: So what do you want me to do, a cookie redo with unhealthy ingredients?
MA: I won't eat them because I'll just keep thinking that you fucked with them somehow.
Me: Yeah, because I'm in grade school and smart enough to know how to cook Ex Lax.

By this time all of the developers had gathered around. I would mention here that they were breaking the two remaining cookies into pieces so they could sample them.

Woman who recently had a baby: Mr. Army, what the fuck? These cookies are good.
MA: Shut up [woman who recently had a baby]! You have hormone issues and you don't know what tastes good! You're eating pickles and shit that pregnant women eat!
Woman who recently had a baby (to me): What is he talking about?
Me: I ask myself that every day.
MA: Stop ganging up on me you hippies!
A programmer: I thought the cookies were good too.
MA: You eat cookies from safeway. (then to me) And anyway, if these peanut butter cookies were supposed to be so healthy why did you put a hershey's kiss in the middle of them?
Me: I'm a complex person.
My friend C: And a gemini.
MA: Yeah you're all fucked up.
Me: (to MA) If I give you a kind bar will you shut the fuck up and go away?

At that point I decided to pack up and leave because I was getting nothing done at the office. I bid everyone a good evening, as I do every night, except for Mr. Army. I told him "I hope your evening sucks", gave him the finger, and left. The developers clapped.

Full disclosure, Mr. Army and I get along like a house on fire. We like to cause scenes to make people laugh.

neighbor hater

I haven't been writing much on my blog lately because shit is going crazy at work. And on top of that, because I'm the president of my building's HOA, I've been dealing with my neighbor's realtor because he just sold his house and she keeps asking me to fill out forms, send financials, and shit that takes up time.

Then my neighbor "disappeared" right in the middle of closing and the realtor was bugging the shit out of me. As if I'd know where his dumb ass was. And a house inspection uncovered a break in our sewer line (no surprise there, it's really old).

Then this email exchange occurred last night with the bag of dicks who lives on the other side of me:

Realtor: 

There was 1 more break in the line in the alley.  The plumber marked it with green paint.  The good news is it is only at 5 feet deep before the line drops to 13 ft.  I have the video link and the cost to repair is attached.  It will be $2550. 

They have to tear up a small area of concrete and re-patch after the repair.  This portion of the line is the shared community line as all the other units tie in before the break and according to the party wall, the other units should share the expense. 

Me (forwarding the above to everyone in the building, I would note, this was an issue we've been discussing on email for the past week):

It will cost $637 to fix per unit. Disappearing Dumb Ass Who Just Sold Your House, when is the repair work scheduled to start?

Bag of Dicks who lives on the other side of me:

Can you give me more context then "this is what is costs"?  I was told this is not my issue. 

I will mention here that he would not specify to me who told him it wasn't his issue. Further, the email from the realtor had the work cost estimate and a video showing the line break.

Me (responding back to bag of dicks):

The detail was provided in the forwarded email. To summarize, the break is after the place where all our units tie in to the line. That's why it's a shared cost, according to our party wall agreement.

Bag of dicks:

just sending an email to me with no context is a bit abrasive. Happy to discuss but please don't assume I know what's going. I will call [the realtor] to discuss what's going on for my benefit. Thanks!

I assumed he meant "going on" not "going". And found it amusing that he said he didn't know what was going on when we've been emailing about this for over a week. And, shitty use of the term "abrasive". He shouldn't email when he's been drinking, though he's just as stupid when sober.

Me:
The context was in the email I forwarded. I didn't see a point in repeating the information assuming that everyone would read the forwarded email. Here is what it said. Because the break is after the point where we all tie in it should be everyone's expense because it impacts all of us:

There was 1 more break in the line in the alley.  The plumber marked it with green paint.  The good news is it is only at 5 feet deep before the line drops to 13 ft.  I have the video link and the cost to repair is attached.  It will be $2550. 

They have to tear up a small area of concrete and re-patch after the repair.  This portion of the line is the shared community line as all the other units tie in before the break and according to the party wall, the other units should share the expense. 

Bag of dicks:

Thanks, Frankie for your email and italics...very informative. 

I wish that asshole would move. Or learn to read. Or buy a place he can afford so we don't have these arguments every time something needs to be repaired. Classless fuck.

vegetables and stuff

Last week I went to a farmer's market with my friend Jess. Here's what I bought:

a loaf of cheddar jalapeno bread (to quote one of my co-workers: "no me gusto" - actually, I thought it was okay), two green chili and egg empanadas, a cucumber, a zucchini (for spaghetti sauce), a squash (just to eat), tomatoes (for spaghett sauce), a bar of black soap (it smelled really good), and something called body butter that will supposedly help with my dry hands because I probably wash my hands too much

 I'm going to meet Jess at another farmer's market this sunday.

In other news I was walking on my treadmill Monday morning when I felt something pop in my right foot. I tried to keep walking but couldn't. Like an idiot I didn't put my boot on because I thought I would be okay and because I knew everyone would tease me unmercifully. By the time I got home Monday I could not put any weight on my foot.

So tuesday I wore my boot into work...and was teased unmercifully. I called my doctor and he said to wait a week and see if my foot got better, that maybe I should consider working out in a pool, and that a "reasonable" person would not think it was okay to up mileage to 10 miles a day so soon after fracturing a foot.

To which I responded "I'm not a reasonable person, I'm an engineer" to which he responded "what am I going to do with you?" to which I responded "give me quantitative guidelines". I only walked 5 miles today because I've turned over a new leaf and am now a "reasonable" person. I can do 10 miles in late september if my foot is okay.

But by Friday my foot was a lot better. And today I went for two walks without it. Here's the kind of funny thing. I ordered a pair of shoes in May and had completely forgotten about them. They came Monday evening. The heel on them was the perfect height for my boot.

Please don't let me get addicted to Paul Green shoes. I love them. And they always show up at the right time.

yes, this is the cutest shoe EVER, the one on the left that is

 And on Friday my friend Carol gave me an italian cucumber. I'm going to eat it tomorrow.

looks weird, but supposedly tastes good!

aw, it's even sparkly and pink

My co-worker C had a birthday last week, and I decided to get her a fitbit so we can compare our sleep cycles (we both are poor sleepers) and maybe I can help her get into better shape.

Today I found this on my desk:

she got me a pink sparkly card - she knows me pretty well :)

....and it was a card that didn't just open to the inside, it had an extra page even

aw...

Her daughter wants to learn to climb so I'm going to teach her. And we're all going to see The Book of Mormon on Tuesday. Girls night out!

really, I just wanted to run

Silly me. The other day I came up with a great idea. I decided to invite my work friend C (of toxic chemical PINSM fame) and that annoyance Mr. Army to do a 5k with me. I'm starting to get back into running again now that my foot is doing better. I've been getting up at 4:30 every morning to get some miles in before work so I'm not exercising until 8 o'clock at night...

Anyway, as I was walking across the parking lot yesterday morning all excited to invite them to do the 5k, and also thinking about a work thing, I was almost run over by Mr. Army. Like seriously, within 2 inches he missed me. Then he rolled down his window and said "What the FUCK are you doing?!?!" and I was like "what the FUCK are YOU doing???" and he said "I was going to pretend to run you over as a joke but you didn't get out of the way." He now says I owe him a favor because he's given me a new sense of situational awareness.

He and C both agreed to do a 5k with me so I sent them a link to the 5k I picked, which is in support of the Colorado Symphony. The conversation went something like this:

C: They'll have beer trucks there, right?
Mr. Army: Fuck this! Who wants to raise money for some fucking symphony? Can't you find some 5k that's for saving boobs or helping retards?
Me: Saving boobs? Why is everything about strippers with you?
Mr. Army: Men get breast cancer too so go fuck yourself.

So, still researching 5ks...

PINSM popularity persists

A guy I work with, who happens to be the guy who smashed the birthday plane cookie I gave him to pieces because he's Army, has been trying to fix my new laptop so the network adapter doesn't disable (I need admin rights to re-enable it because they're locking down laptops these days - and I don't have admin rights) because that makes me unable to use wireless.

I had, in May, given the above mentioned guy a PINSM with a kangaroo on it because he fixed my laptop and he said, as he started to work on my new laptop, "don't make me another one of those fucking PINSMs because I'm helping you." I think it's because he's the only one I've made a PINSM for that had a rodent on it. Perhaps I hurt his feelings. Fuck if I know.

So I initially toyed with the idea of drawing a bunch of PINSMs and papering his office with them. But then I thought that might make PINSMs less of a status symbol. So instead I came up with this, which I presented to him today after he tried (but failed) to fix my network adapter issue:

I'm such an asshole

So now he keeps stopping by my desk to ask "WHAT IS THE FUCKING ANIMAL YOU DREW???? AND WHAT IS IT SAYING?????" I think because no one in the office knows what to make of this PINSM.

I think I will draw a part of an animal on a post it note every day, as if it's a puzzle, and I will write on the back "this is part of the coolest animal in the world" and give it to him. But of course the pieces will never fit together to make an animal.

Perhaps, at some point, I can use that as leverage to get admin rights on my laptop.

why sheridan wy?

What am I doing in Sheridan this weekend? Good question.

Which I will answer by cheating and pasting something I sent to my friend G in an email a few weeks ago:

I have a friend, Dave, who lives in Missoula (lots of my people, not the jews, the other people related to where I used to work, go there for some reason - my one visit there I found it to be a mud pit with no redeeming qualities but that was back in 1998 when I went to visit Dave and his wife, well, really, I just wanted to eat a raw steak and not be judged). Yesterday I had sent him a picture of myself in a cowboy hat for reasons not worth going into here other than to say he was feeding me shit for not learning how to fly fish even though I live in Colorado and I responded with a joke about taking up rodeo, thus the cowboy hat.

Anyway, he was laughing at my email (normal people, not like you and I, find my writing to be funny because they think it's outrageous - but seriously, is use of the word vagina really that outrageous in these times?) and his friend J, whom he happened to be having a drink with, was like "what's so funny?" so my friend showed him my email, which had my cowboy picture attached at the bottom.

And this is where shit gets WEIRD.

J looked at my picture and said "oh my god, that's the angel!" Dave (my Missoula friend) then sent me an email telling me how J wants to meet me because he almost drown rafting on a river and while almost drowning he saw an angel and it was me and she, the angel that he thinks is me, well, didn't save him, but, okay, I don't know what the fuck she did, but apparently she made quite an impression on him and got him to the surface so he didn't die.

In any case, I sent Dave an email back like "haha, go fuck yourself you piece of shit" and he sent me a link to a story J wrote about his near drowning experience where he mentions the angel.

So I have been emailing J shit like 20 bizarre questions that he has to answer and he's complying (example question I sent him: "Write a 200 word essay on anchovies"). And you know how people look for "connections" that may or may not be there?  I correctly guessed his profession and some other shit about him and while I thought I was being random with the anchovy question it turns out that's his favorite thing to eat. 

Now he wants to meet me for dinner and to teach me to fly fish... Missoula is a long ways away from here. And he has three kids age 19 - 22 (the troubled-rehab-failing out of college years). And Dave said he's 5'8'. I'm 5'8". And guys always lie about their height so he's probably 5'6" (he looks like Al Pacino, who is also short). What's with the short dudes...

Anyway, I've been bored so I thought why not meet J in person. We agreed to meet in Sheridan which is exactly between Missoula and Denver.

My friend G cautioned me about going on this date because he knew it was going to be a shit show. Frankly, I did too but I'm bored.

Some highlights of our Friday evening:

• J was rushing me to meet him at a bar that was 1.6 miles from my hotel (where he said he made a reservation, but he actually made a reservation at the nice hotel in the center of town where I wanted to stay - how fucking weird is that?). I walked there because I don't drive even if I'm only having one drink (unless the drink is beer). When I arrived he asked me what took me so long (I was at the bar 25 minutes after arriving in town and I wasted precious time trying to check into this fucking hotel and get a functioning key so I thought I did pretty good). Then he said "you could have at least put on some make up".
• He insisted we drive to a restaurant that was only 5 blocks away (even though he had been drinking, I wasn't sure how much, he had two beers after I arrived and had a plastic cup of something that he chugged shortly after I arrived). As we approached his truck I noticed it was covered, literally COVERED in bees (they have a bee / wasp problem here, not sure if it's seasonal or not). I've had two nightmares about bees this week. We walked to the restaurant.
• I ordered a salad with chicken at the restaurant. The chicken on the salad was bad. Like, disgusting. So I pushed it to the edge of the salad figuring I would just eat the veggies since I hadn't eaten all day (I don't usually eat when I drive because I get car sick sometimes). J asked why I wasn't eating the chicken and I told him it was bad. He gave me a look and I was like "you fucking taste it and tell me." So he took a bite, and, SERIOUSLY, spit it out IN THE MIDDLE OF MY FUCKING SALAD. Which I then was NOT going to eat. He ended up making a big scene about it and for those who have never been here, Sheridan has about the WORST customer service. It was like being in France. Anyway, a waitress came and took my salad and it wasn't until we were about to leave that the manager came by and asked if I wanted something else to eat. J said "no, she's fine" and when I said "thanks for deciding if I'm hungry or not" he said "you probably think you're really skinny but you aren't very skinny." ??????
• We went to a bar where he did some shots of Jim Beam blue what ever and then he realized I had to walk home because there was no fucking way I was getting into a car with him. He complained the entire 1.6 miles about having to walk me back to the hotel. I told him to shut up because walking was good for him.
• Good night kiss? Are you fucking kidding me? I didn't even give him a hug.

Today he started texting me at 630 am. I was finally like "dude, I'll see you at 1030" because we were supposed to go hiking. Instead of going to the right hiking place he turned down a gravel road that looked barely maintained and I was like "dude, this is not the way to cloud peak, this is a ranch access road" and he was like "you don't know what you're talking about, this is exactly what they described in the guide book". So of course we ended up getting stuck in an area where the road had washed out and he started to freak the fuck out so I took over driving (learned a lot about driving a truck on back roads from the fun hog) and then after I got us back to the easier to drive on section of the road he said "only a lesbian would know how to drive a truck like that."

Luckily he didn't talk on the hike at all. Because I was ready to hit a bitch.

We went back to town for lunch (I have to say lunch was really fucking good, I had an ahi tuna salad) and then he dropped the bombshell on me that he had checked out of his hotel with the thought that he could stay in my room tonight. I decided enough was enough and there was no point in trying to be polite or nice. So I told him to go home and never contact me again. Then I had a pleasant walk back to my shit hole hotel. Getting up at O dark 30 tomorrow to do another hike (the hikes out here are beautiful, who knew this area had mountains? not me) and then head home.

I've decided to stop dating for the next...forever. Anyway, I have to study to be a pilot and won't have much free time and I am going to get back to the climbing gym since I really miss climbing.

Sheridan, WY - come here for the hiking, stay at the best western, eat at Frackelton's and get the ahi tuna salad

do not stay here...this is my hotel...it sucks

guess who's making dinner

Since the maids come tomorrow and there's not a lot for them to clean I've decided every other tuesday is cooking day. And they can clean my kitchen.

Today I made fettuccine spinach carbonara.  It actually tastes good and looks like the picture.

of course, how can any food with bacon in it taste bad?

 Then I made an orzo salad. I started with a recipe and realized I didn't have half the shit I needed so I just made something up. It's good!

the recipe said "serves 4" - 4 what? professional football players???? that's a lot of orzo salad

I was at the brazilian festival on Sunday helping Jess and Edge during slam time. I got to try this brazilian treat, which is like a ball of yum. It's called coxinhas. It was amazing but I could only eat half of it.

chicken, peppers, and cream cheese in a fried...breaded...ball thing - yum

psychic

There's a guy at work that I like to fuck with because when I brought in airplane cookies for my birthday he smashed his to pieces because he's insane.

Anyway, he had been feeding me shit about doing a tarot reading on him so yesterday I did. I told him to think of a question and not to tell me and not to give any indication of whether I was on the right track or not. And guess what. My reading was accurate! For one of the cards I extemporized the meaning of the card and said "you should not do anything hasty and don't create a bad situation because in the end it will backfire." It turns out right after the reading he had been planning to tell his boss to go fuck himself. 

So as a secondary test he said he was going to think of a question and then I would answer it with a card. His question (he told me after) was should he continue stalking this woman he likes on the internet. He had viewed a video of her and her son like a billion times not realizing youtube logs the views and who's viewing the videos if they are signed in. After like the hundredth viewing the woman took all her social media stuff down. Anyway, the card said "you've made a mistake but you should learn from it and move on." Hahaha! Now he thinks I'm psychic and all these people at work are asking me to do their readings because he talks too much. And I have to be like "no bitches, I'm busy".

funny, flying, and veggies

Today at work my colleague B ate a doughnut that was sitting on my colleague C's desk. He does stuff like that on purpose to piss her off. So when she got back to her desk I ratted B out. Then we tried to think of a good joke to play on him. My suggestion was to tell him that C had pulled the doughnut out of the trash to give to a homeless person. C's was better. She decided to tell him that it was sitting on her desk because she was going to throw it away because it had fallen on the floor in the women's bathroom.

The conversation went something like this:

B: I ate your doughnut.
C: Oh my god! I was going to throw it away because it fell on the floor in the women's bathroom!
B: I wondered why it tasted familiar.

Hahaha!

B also said to me "oh, I have a present for you for your anti social network shit". I thought he had made me a PINSM. Instead he brought me these:

I said "but you also have to make me a PINSM" and he said "I can't draw" - um....and I can????

Then I talked to him about when I'm getting my new laptop because my current laptop sucks a bag of dicks. He said "next week, and don't make me another one of those gay ass fucking pictures of rats and shit". And I said "you mean a PINSM?" and he said "one of those gay ass fucking post it notes with pictures of shit on it that you give to people because you have asperger's" and I said "you mean a PINSM?" and that went on until finally he said "yes, a PINSM". Then he left and didn't come back to my desk for the rest of the day.

In other news, I'm going to learn how to fly an airplane. A guy I work with is getting his instructor's license and I'm going to be his first student because, he said and I quote, "I know you'll be an asshole." I'm so excited I've already started studying. If all goes as scheduled my lessons will start in February.

In other news my garden is finally rallying:

black tomatoes!!!! I can't wait to try them!!!!

I also grew these. I wonder what they are. Cucumbers? I thought that was the container where I planted the arugula.

squash! I have a feeling I'm going to have to shoot some squirrels to defend my garden

splinter

From the annals of useless friends:

Me: I have a splinter. (I sent him a pic of a splinter in my right index finger)
J: That looks like a good hand for slapping people.
Me: I only slap transvestites but am respectful of their eyelashes (NOTE: this referred to an earlier discussion where J asked what I would do if he showed up one day wearing fake eyelashes and I said I was okay with him being a transvestite - I would NOT slap a transvestite). I still have a splinter.
J: You better get that out before it becomes infected and you have to amputate it.
Me: Do I need that finger? I guess for typing. I could get a fake finger like in the royal tenenbaums. I could 3D print a bunch of them for different uses (gun, knife, stapler, pencil sharpener, label maker, ph tester, etc).

I can't get it out. I've tried tape, elmer's glue, a safety pin, tweezers, and telekinesis. I guess I'll have to resort to a time machine to go back to the moment before I got the splinter. That's going to suck up most of the evening. 
J: [no response]
Me: (a day later) I finally got the splinter out!
J: About time!
F: Thanks, J, for your help...[insert pic of me giving him the finger]

scary safeway and other things

I had to make cookies for a guy at work who helped me with my laptop this week (it stopped working, along with 8 other laptops, I lost two days of working trying to get it fixed) so I had to go to scary safeway to get the ingredients. And I decided to cook some other things this weekend.

While I was in the cooking aisle trying to find a cookie sheet a random, 20 something guy walked up to me and said "I got a tattoo. Let me show you." It was the iron man man (on his right calf) and then he proceeded to tell me that since he did the iron man he decided to get the tattoo but he asked his mom first to make sure it was okay with her because he's from Louisiana and they don't get tattoos there and he hopes his kids don't get tattoos because he doesn't like them.

As he paused to take a breath I said "Oh, well that's great. Have a good day." As I walked away he said "see ya later!"

And then there was a big brawl at the store entrance. The cops were trying to break it up. I managed to walk around the brawl with my groceries unscathed.

my kombucha is done and it tastes awesome!

I made a beef stew which tastes awesome too - although, it's kind of retarded to make stew when it's 90 degrees outside

I took two stew recipes and combined them

the scoby from my kombucha - I'm going to give the smaller one to someone at work

orzo enchilada thing that I made - I keep modifying the recipe to make it better

for the stew I slow boiled some guiness (the recipe did mention to do that) - the beer got thick, it was pretty cool

I saw this at the grocery and had to take a picture of it - "I don't have any arms!!!"

new tea I got for my next batch of kombucha from Tea Cloud - that place is SO amazing and their tea is the best I've had in the US

first reading

 I ordered some tarot cards after my meeting with the psychic and they came on Friday. Since I woke up at 430 this morning and had some time to kill before starting my errands I did a reading on myself. This reading involves contemplating a problem and then getting tarot card advice. Because when ever  talk to people about my problem (i.e. why is my life so strange) they don't really have any advice.

It was pretty accurate and I think it relates to some interesting developments at work.

The first card is the past. It's the magician. It represents the ability to summon new ideas. I think it relates to something that happened this past week at work where I suggested a new application that would be helpful and got an unexpectedly good reception.

The second card is the present. It's the fool. The fool represents the ability to jump into the unknown and start over. Exactly what I'm doing at work trying to design this new application.

The third card is the world. It indicates what is helping with your problem. The world indicates the ability to transcend problems. I think this is also related to work.

The fourth card represents obstacles. It's that judgement card, which I have gotten at every tarot reading. According to my tarot card book it can mean delays will cause a missed opportunity. And it can mean a promotion at work.

The fifth card was the ace of pentacles. It represents the attitude of others. It represents opportunity for growth. Like at work.

The sixth card is what should be done about the problem. It's the knight of rods. It signifies, among other things, travel. Which, if my app idea is accepted, is what I will be doing to pitch it and get funding (I would have to travel to DC to pitch it to the money guys).

The seventh card is the outcome. The card is the queen of rods. The queen of rods, among other things, represents work for charity. While the aforementioned app doesn't have a charity focus in the typical sense, it can help some people who are under employed find work more easily.

So...we'll see what happens with my app idea.

stolen library, tiny houses

Someone stole the lending library that was outside the artist building.

they better at least read the books I put in there

And, the artist building had a rally to address the homeless issue in my neighborhood. As part of the event they had artists build tiny homes in which the homeless could live. If it wasn't illegal.

two tiny houses

this one has a skylight

it's a pretty decent size

this one needs work...

but it looks cool

I took some pictures and then was walking home when a man came running up behind me and scared me. It turns out his name is James and he's one of the artists building the tiny homes. The home above is where he is currently living. He wanted me to take a picture of him on the "front porch" of his house.

James sitting on his "front porch" - he built this house with $300

the inside of his house - yes, that's an elf

He showed me the insides of most of the tiny houses and then insisted I take my sunglasses off so he could see my soul. I lowered my shades and he said "Well, looks like everything is okay with your soul". Great.

James correcting one of the posters used for rally saying that the number of homeless children in the US (1,200,000) was bullshit because he travels all around the US and he said the number is higher

I asked him about the solar panels on one of the tiny homes and he said "I wonder if they have air conditioning in there". Then he suggested we steal a bench from the greyhound maintenance depot next door so we could sit in the shade. We didn't.

 It was an...interesting...encounter. He asked why I don't have children and quoted a bible verse about how women are supposed to have lots of children. He said he has an IQ of 180 due to having smart parents. He found a dime, flipped it, and  I guessed it landed on tails, which was right, so he threw the dime at me and it landed somewhere and we couldn't find it. He also asked if I get sunburned easily since we were standing in the sun. I told him I burn at first and then tan because I have Italian blood. He said "well, no matter what color you end up being, don't forget you're beautiful".

Well.

Then he leaned over and gave me a hug and kissed me on the shoulder.

Crazy people really like me.

in other news my kombucha is coming along nicely - going to PH test / taste it tomorrow

psychopath PINSM

This is the latest PINSM I made for a guy I work with named B. He's pretty much the craziest, most obnoxious person I've ever met so of course we get along like a house on fire. He interchangeably uses "psychopath" and "aspie" when referring to me. And he says "why are you so WEIRD?" when ever I do anything in his presence. Not that I do anything psychopathic or weird at work (is wiping one's desk off with an antibacterial wipe after someone who isn't me has touched it weird?). He says stuff like that thinking it will make me cry. I'm the only woman at work that he hasn't made cry.

Anyway, this week he got me on the dark net (meaning I can use my personal laptop to send emails which I can't do on the company internet). And he gave me admin rights, temporarily, on my laptop. 

But, besides being helpful, he also did something really bad. I've been getting crazy requests now for existing architecture that I've created so people can use it for their projects. A dude from another company asked for my SV-1 (system interface diagram) yesterday because he's trying to figure out which point to point interfaces should be replaced with data services. I told him I would email it to him and as he walked away I realized I had no idea what his name was. 

So after most everyone had gone home I snuck over to his cube and got his name, Richard. Well, at this place you can't send an email like "blah blah, here's the shit you asked for" because that's considered unprofessional and I couldn't call him Mr. [his last name] because he's a contractor like me, and B happened to still be in his office, and he works with the guy all the time, so I was like "B, you work with this guy, what does he go by? Richard? Rich?" and B said "I think they call him Dick."

I've been working 80 hour weeks the past few weeks...lapse of judgement...so...I sent the email "Dear Dick, here's the SV-1".

Turns out he goes by Rich.

But Rich laughed. And B takes the emergency exit (the alarm is disabled) out of the building to avoid walking by me.

I'm going to work the phrase "I think they call him Dick" into every conversation with B until he apologizes

kombucha

My friend Jessica has inspired me to make kombucha. She gave me a bottle of some that she made and I really liked it so I ordered a kit.

Everyone says it's easy to make. Hm.

if it's so easy to make why are there so many parts?

this is the bag of tea that forms the base of the kombucha - am I the only one that thinks this looks like a tea bag bleeding out?

the scobie (not exactly sure what a scobie is - it looks like those disk things they put in men's urinals), the tea, and my other favorite healthy drink, red wine

Hopefully in 7 days my kombucha will be ready and will not be filled with bacteria because I've read some articles online and now I am paranoid...

psychic

Saturday was quite the crazy adventure visiting a psychic in Cheyenne.

On Friday night I looked up her house on mapquest to get an idea of how long it would take to drive there. Then I decided to write down the directions, which ended up being a good thing, because neither my normal gps nor my phone gps was recognizing Cheyenne as a city in Wyoming on Saturday morning.

The psychic lives next to a graveyard and had a yard full of dogs. That kind of freaked me out. But as soon as she came out of the house she gave me a hug and it was strangely calming. And I would like to state here that I do think she is psychic because of some of the shit that happened.

I went into her parlor where she reads and she had me pick a deck of tarot cards. Then I had to separate them into as many piles as I wanted. I might have gone a little crazy with the piles because she eventually told me to stop making piles. Then she told me to put the piles back together, which took me a while, and she finally said "it doesn't have to be perfect, I think we can get started".

I had a something card come up first (I forgot to write it down) that said I was dealing with loss. So I'm supposed to write a list but I also forgot to write down what kind of list and I can't remember. Then some other stuff happened and the fucking hangman card showed up. It means my life is suspended. Which is soon to change since I got my walking boot off. I hope.

She asked about my love life and I was like "um, yeahhhh, nothing to report" so she turned over a card and it was the 10 of cups which is apparently a good thing and supposedly I'm going to meet the love of my life or some shit because I got the knight of cups card. So I was like "great, and how long is that going to take?" and she turned over the 4 of wands which means I have to date 4 people before I meet the dude, but he could also be one of the four. Or something. She said I can't find him and that he will find me by the intentions I put out in the universe.

I got the justice card and she said I don't have a good balance in my life and that I need to socialize more and, this is a quote, "try wearing some make up".

She said I attract "fix me" people because I have a healing aura but that I need to stay away from that shit. She said everything that I need to work on now is spiritual because I'm a pretty evolved person and that I need to start meditating. Which is funny because I was trying to meditate earlier this year but it was mostly to try to turn my asshole manager into a lobster. My brother Steve got me a meditation bench for christmas (the psychic said he's one of my helper angels) but I confess (sorry Steve!) I've been using it for ab exercises instead of meditation. I'll start meditating tomorrow...

I asked her about my friend G. I've been email friends with him since 2003 when we met at a rock and ice party. He's one of those people that I had an instant friendship with. I've only seen him in real life 3 times but he always shows up in my life when I need him. She flipped over his card and he was the high priest. That's the guy who mediates between the gods and humans and he is the keeper and provider of knowledge and wisdom. So true. The reason I brought him up is because he emailed me right as I was pulling up at the psychic's house. I told him what she said, will be interested to see his response.

My future could potentially be the tower card, which is bad. So she suggested I get a dog (this is one of the things that made me think she is psychic - I have been looking for a dog). And she also randomly said "what's going on with the yellow roses in your back yard?" and I told her how my dad and I had planted them when I first moved into my house in Denver and that they started to die (because my landscaper transplanted them) right after he was diagnosed with cancer and I kept thinking if the roses lived my dad would live and that ended up happening.

She also said "when you go to vedawoo today use it as a time to meditate and stop injuring your body although I know you won't listen to me today". I had planned on doing some mountain biking there after my reading and there is no way she could have known that because I was not wearing biking clothes and my mountain bike was inside my car.

I did break my smallest toe on my right foot while biking there. Oops. But the rest of my foot is fine.

Finally she said my life is going to change dramatically in the next few weeks. We'll see.

She picked an angel card for me and it said "creative project". She asked what that was about and I told her I'm a writer. She suggested I write a book about angels for kids (instead when I was driving home I came up with an idea about a quirky nanny who, I guess, could be an angel). Then she said she wanted to write a book so we spent an hour discussing her book and her life. It was odd how many parallels there were between her life and mine.

My favorite part was the end when her black cat came into the room. She said the cat comes into the room when the reading is over and that the cat is her familiar. Then the cat pooped on the floor. I knew it would be inappropriate to laugh so I didn't. But I almost bit through my lower lip trying not to laugh. When I got to my car I laughed so hard that I cried and it took me 10 minutes to get myself under enough control that I could drive my car.

So, back to the angel cards...I had to pick one and this is the card I got:

this card summarized the reading...interesting

Anyway, then I went biking in vedawoo and broke my little toe hopping into a rock instead of over it. I'm going to try to get through the next week without breaking any more shit in my right foot.

cooler boot

I got my boot off on Wednesday. My ortho said compared to the mess my foot was in 2 weeks ago to where it is now is not medically possible given the amount of bone that has grown over the fracture (trying to get copies of my x-rays, will post them when I have them). I asked if he had written in his notes how I had told him I have crazy jewish healing powers. 

What I didn't tell him is that 4 weeks ago I followed his advice about resting my foot and limiting my activity and my foot got worse so the past two weeks I've been doing a lot of things I was not supposed to (like sawing down some shrubs in front of my house and using my boot to stomp them down into the dumpster - I wonder if he noticed my leg I was supposedly wearing my boot on was covered in scratches from the aforementioned shrub - I figured as long as my boot was close by, in a way, it was transmitting velcro and bulky plastic, protecting my foot via a kind of non-existent and only mental bluetooth technology - it works for speakers and mice and printers, why not boots). 

The average time for a fracture to heal is 6 - 8 weeks and while I didn't meet my goal of 4 weeks, I did do it in 4 1/2 weeks and given my age I'll take a little slip in the schedule.

Everyone at work seemed genuinely happy that I finally got my boot off. I hope it isn't because, with the boot on, I sounded like an approaching velcro monster out to make little pills on any fabric within reach. I've been wearing my new cool shoes and people are like "hey, that's a better black boot!"

Tomorrow I'm going to Wyoming to see a psychic. Don't ask. It's a thing with a work friend...

new shoes, and a thank you note

Since some of you have asked, no, I'm not returning to my bad old obsessed with shoes days, and yes, I will post pictures of my new shoes:

the two shoes in the middle are Paul Green, who apparently is a podiatrist or some shit - they are the MOST COMFORTABLE shoes I've ever worn and I've had 4 people in the past two days take pictures of these shoes so they could buy a pair - can't believe it only took 15 minutes to buy four pairs of shoes

and because my friend J complained when I texted her the above pic, here is a side view

I was so happy with the service Christine provided I sent an email to Nordstrom's on Monday sharing my story. I got an email back from them today:

Thank you for sharing this wonderful email about Stephanie and the outstanding service she provided.  I am thrilled to hear she found you the perfect shoes while you have your cast.  I will gladly share your comments with Stephanie and her department manager.

I appreciate you taking the time to recognize her for a job well done!

We look forward to seeing you again.

But I won't be seeing them soon because I just bought four pairs of shoes. And I'm not getting shoe obsessed again. And anyway, I'm still in a walking cast...