Chapter 2: The Giant Man Makes a Plan of Action Which They Carry Out

The croco-diamond popped the last bit of sami-nana-kin in his mouth.

“Delicious!” he said to the giant man. “Did you grow that on this farm?”

“I grow everything on the farm and then sell it at the market. I like to work outdoors.”

“And you live here alone?” asked the croco-diamond, noticing, now that the sun was fully up, that the giant man’s house, while well made, was, to be honest, a little messy.

“I’ve lived here alone for a long time.”

The croco-diamond said, with pride, “I have never lived alone.” Then, thinking his response may have been a bit impolite, he whispered conspiratorially, “However, I did live in a swamp. It was quite mucky. You can’t even imagine what it did to…my jewels.”

Every croco-diamond has a unique set of jewels, some won from dueling with pirates, others bestowed for valor, a few given as payment for scholarly works, and the rest handed down through the generations. All of the croco-diamond’s star garnets were inherited from his father, who had received them as payment for a series of books he had written about Roebertian engine design. Croco-diamonds can be very mechanically inclined when they aren’t being lazy.

“I wonder if I might have a copy of your father’s book. Let’s go look,” said the giant man.

Located down the hallway from the kitchen was the giant man’s library. It was full of all kinds of books. Cook books, plant books, bird books, farm books, and the entire Poggly Woggly adventure series. But not the croco-diamond’s father’s book.

“Well, it was a limited edition series. Very expensive. One really must have jewels to afford it.”

But the giant man had no jewels. That made the croco-diamond feel bored. He thought about returning to the purple hammock for some sleep. The giant man had other ideas.

“What we are going to do now is go out in the field and pick some more cringle roots. Then we will go into the kitchen and make the cringle crisps. I think we can make at least two baskets before market.”

At first the croco-diamond was not sure at all that he wanted to go into a field to do manual labor. The giant man watched as the croco-diamond lowered his snout and made a “kkkech, bleccch” noise. He wrapped his tail around his body and looked as if he would turn into a giant ball and bounce away.

So the giant man said, “I would like to tell you about the cringle root. The cringle root is a beautiful thing, like your jewels.”

The giant man pulled out the Oxmand Varveris’ Handbook of Corms to show the croco-diamond.

“You plant it in the fall, the seed looks like a flower. You must tend to the root gently through the winter. In the spring tiny green leaves sprout from the dirt. The leaves are shiny, like…”

“Like my emeralds?” the croco-diamond asked, suddenly interested since the subject had changed to him.

“Yes, like your emeralds. Under the leaves a small root grows hidden, a translucent globe at first, darkening to a shade of purple, the purple of royalty. The purple … of Kings.”

“I see,” said the croco-diamond, contemplating the rich purple of the cringle crisps, and how they had shimmered in the basket, tempting him to eat them.

He wondered how croco-diamonds had been unaware for all of the years that cringle crisps existed since they were obviously the food of Kings. So light and airy with an exceptional crunch leaving a nutty earthy taste in the mouth as one savored the broken crisp on the tongue.

A trickle of saliva rolled down the croco-diamond’s lower jaw. He wished for a cringle crisp at that moment and wanted it more than anything in all of the worlds. He thought to ask the giant man if there might be some over looked baskets, perhaps in the house, which, while not a perfectly clean environment, would not preclude the croco-diamond, recently from the swamp, from eating a cringle crisp.

“Say, would there be any more cringle crisps about somewhere? You have piqued my interest. I am very excited to get to know more about them through a thorough study.”

The giant man sadly shook his head no.

At that moment it became clear to the croco-diamond what needed to be done. He raised his snout up.

“To the field!” he commanded, raising a finger on his front foot in the air. “We go! Post haste!”

And so they went into the field. The croco-diamond watched impatiently as the giant man picked a cringle root. He had to bend down from way up high to the dirt where the cringle roots were.

 He would stick his big fingers in the dirt, fumbling because the cringle roots were much smaller than his fingers. Because of his height it was hard to see the ground, so he would have to bend even lower, saying “oof, my back!” to make sure he only picked ripe cringle roots.

“This will not do! This will not do at all!” The croco-diamond’s mind was racing thinking: cringle yummy crunchy. Crunchy cringle crummies. Cringly crispy yummy.

“Please, step aside dear sir!” commanded the croco-diamond. “We will NEVER get to market this way!”

He began to delicately scratch at the ground, determined, though it was manual labor, to pick some cringle roots so he could have some cringle crisps.

The croco-diamond was much faster at picking than the giant man. Being lower to the ground, with his long nails, he could easily pull the cringle roots out of the earth.

The croco-diamond was able to pick 10 cringle roots in the time the giant man picked just one. Because the croco-diamond was faster at picking, the giant man busied himself back at the house making the cringle crisps. He covered the ground from the house to the field in just five steps, returning to pick up baskets when he heard the croco-diamond’s joyous “Ruf!”  indicating that yet another basket had been filled.

Left alone in the field, the croco-diamond was filled with anticipation as he pulled each cringle root out of the ground.

“Oh my beauties. I will do anything for you! You, of exceptional delicacy and taste…”

He paused, holding a shimmering purple cringle root up to the light of the sun. A solitary tear slid from the croco-diamond’s right eye.

Then, embarrassed and fearing he was being dramatic, he addressed the basket of cringle roots before him, “Well, I do like you. But, mostly when you are a cringle crisp.”

In less than two hours, they were ready to go to market with five baskets of cringle crisps. The giant man put the baskets into his ticky-tap-tap. Although there was room for the croco-diamond to sit in the front seat he decided instead he wanted to sit in the ticky-tap-tap bed with the cringle crisps. The giant man strung the purple hammock up across the bed.

“You see, this is how my people travel,” the croco-diamond told the giant man as he climbed into the hammock.

“I am used to being carried in a royal litter by eight sloth-toed land fish. A flamencio bird walks in front, sprinkling a basket of petals to mark my arrival.” The croco-diamond looked around hopefully, but there were no flamencio birds or sloth-toed land fish to be seen anywhere. “You do at least have petals? Red is my color. But what ever you have on hand will do.”

The giant man worriedly scanned his yard. No red petals. The closest thing he had was an oops-a-daisy bush and that wouldn’t flower for another month. He scratched his head, thinking quietly “um, hm, em”. And then…

“I have an idea! I read it in a book! I can tie red streamers to the front of the car. That way everyone will know there is a very important person arriving.”

The croco-diamond genteelly nodded his head in agreement. Quickly the giant man tore the red bandana he wore around his neck into strips. The strips were attached to the bumper and they were off to the market.

As the giant man drove he could hear, from the back of the ticky-tap-tap, a muffled “crunch crunch.” But when he looked in the rear-view mirror, the croco-diamond appeared to be asleep.

into the fray

Today I got my bandage contact taken out. I was dreading it but it went really well. My left eye feels scratchy, and my vision is still blurry, but I have hope it will come back because it gets better for a few seconds after I put artificial tears in. My doctor said I was really, really lucky. I could have gone blind in my left eye because the tear in my cornea was so bad.

He gave me the bandage contact, he said, "in memory of our time together". I wish I had a microscope so I could look at it in more detail.

he asked the nurse to package the contact up for me and she was like "um, what?" and he said "she has asperger's" and the nurse was like "oh" - apparently I am the first patient, ever, in his practice to keep my contact bandage

I'm guessing by Friday the past week or so will all be a distant memory. My right eye is kicking ass. And I'm catching up with spanish and my self study ground school.

I would also mention I took Major Jake in for his first oil change at groove subaru and my eyes were all watery because of the amount of artificial tears I'm putting in (I went there directly from getting my contact bandage out). They changed the oil (synthetic), rotated the tires, and washed my car. I told the manager at groove that I had a 20% off coupon but couldn't find it because my eye sight is in and out. He comped everything for me.

Nice!

Chapter 1: the giant man discovers a croco-diamond in his hammock

(if you didn't already, read the prologue to the book)

One morning, as the sun was just rising, the giant man woke up to the sound of crunching. It was not normal crunching.

It was very loud crunching.

He sat up in bed and peered out the window of his attic bedroom down to the courtyard below. There he saw, in the growing light, a croco-diamond lying on his back in the purple hammock.

He had a round, light green belly covered in cringle crisp crumbs, shiny long nails at the end of his webbed feet, and thick teeth covered in patterned white gold. Down his spine was a sparkling array of aspen diamonds, cardentine emeralds, star garnets, marlonian opals and a d.Dorian ruby once owned by a real King.

In each foot were five cringle crisps which the croco-diamond daintily placed in his mouth before snapping his snout shut with a loud munch and chomp.

Beside the croco-diamond was the basket of cringle crisps the giant man had made just the previous day. The basket was almost empty.

The giant man was puzzled for two reasons. The first: No one had seen a croco-diamond in years. They had moved deep into the swamp because fortune hunters would remove the jewels that made up the spines of the croco-diamonds while the croco-diamonds were sleeping (they sleep very deeply).

The second: Though croco-diamonds are known to eat mash pies, squiggle salads, kormy buns, broccolini casseroles, eggy tarts, okra-poker soup, and jellied-can cakes they had never been seen eating cringle crisps. Cringle crisps are made from cringle root, which is in the cringle tuber family, also known by its Latin name Crosimius Cringlecrumbium.

“Delightful morning!” called the croco-diamond, spying the giant man at his window. He spoke with an elegant Britlish accent. “I shall rest here for a bit and then I must to do something with these nails. A warm bath would be wonderful. Have you any bubbles?”

“Hm,” said the giant man. He put on his robe and walked down the narrow staircase from the attic, careful to duck his head to avoid the ceiling.

Arriving in the courtyard he found the croco-diamond brushing the crumbs from his belly with an elegant but worn cotton square. The croco-diamond then put the last cringle crisp in his mouth and looked at the front of his feet.

“I had such a nice pair of gloves for my trip but I seem to have misplaced them and walking on roads is so hard on the nails…”  

The croco-diamond stopped speaking because he noticed the giant man was staring at the path behind him that led from the courtyard out to the barn. The path was strewn with baskets. Empty baskets.

“Five, six, seven … Hm. Eight. Um, nine,” said the giant man to himself, counting the baskets.

The croco-diamond covered the front of his snout and burped into the cotton square.

“My cringle crisps. All … all of my cringle crisps?”

“I was hungry. Sometimes I do eat too much.”

The croco-diamond wiggled his tail in an attempt to sit up. The attempt failed.

“And now it’s hopeless. I’m afraid I’m stuck in this hammock.”

His snout sagged open and a small trail of drool dropped to his tummy.

“Perhaps I’ll have a bath later instead of now.”

His eyes started to close and he yawned a big croco-diamond yawn.

“But … it seems you’ve eaten all of my cringle crisps. All of them? ALL?”

At this the croco-diamond’s sleepy eyes suddenly opened, and with a great effort he managed to roll over onto his right side so he could more easily see the giant man.

“I don’t understand. Is there … a problem?”

“There is a problem. I sell cringle crisps every Thursday at the market. Today is Thursday. But there’s nothing to sell … Nothing.”

The croco-diamond blinked and then stared at the tall figure in front of him whose bath robe flapped in the gentle breeze, as if shyly pointing to all the empty baskets.

Due to his large size, strong teeth, well-polished nails and general aura of royalty, no one had ever reprimanded the croco-diamond before. But he was pretty sure he was being reprimanded, and was unsure what to do.

A feeling of sadness replaced the happy feeling of just moments before from having eaten nine baskets of cringle crisps. He put his front foot to his face and pressed it against the side of his snout.

“I just … I just don’t know what to say,” he sniffed.

His large tail thumped down dully onto the hammock and his rear feet curled into tight balls of webbing.

The giant man realized the croco-diamond was going to cry. And the worst thing is when a croco-diamond cries. First it goes sniff sniff and the eyes get a sad gleam. Then the croco-diamond makes a noise like kak, kak, clearing the lungs. One, then two egg shaped tears will roll down his cheeks, followed by a lowly murmured “neuuuuuuuu!” Sobs follow.

Croco-diamonds have a large supply of tears and can cry for a month without stopping. They still eat and polish their nails, which is very difficult to do through a curtain of tears but somehow they manage. The giant man had once heard the story of a croco-diamond that cried so much, for so long, that the croco-diamond’s snout had to buy an umbrella and galoshes.

“Oh no. Don’t. Um, it’s okay. Er, don’t cry. Please,” said the giant man as the croco-diamond’s chest puffed forward and his front feet covered his face. “It’s - it’s okay. We - we’ll make some more cringle crisps. With two of us - it’s - it won’t take long. Please don’t cry.”

The giant man moved his hand as if to pat the croco-diamond, but his hand was far away and so he just patted the air.

“Oh please, please, please! Please don’t cry!”

The croco-diamond thought for a moment, noticed his chipped nails again, and decided it would be best to delay his tears, at least for the moment. He stared at his front feet, and then his back feet, uncurling them and then wiggling each webbed digit nervously. Was he supposed to apologize now? Croco-diamonds don’t like to apologize.

“They had such a nice zing and a delicious crunch and I hadn’t eaten except for a tiny pot of cactar jam, it dries out the throat you know.”

The croco-diamond coughed a tiny cough and put his snout almost to his belly.

No, he wasn’t going to apologize.

The giant man sighed. He knew there was no point in getting angry. So he said, “I’m going to get dressed and make some breakfast. You should join me at least for some fruit because jam and cringle crisps are not a balanced diet. After breakfast we will discuss what to do next. We need a plan of action!”

kid's book prologue: The Legend of the Croco-diamond

From The Legends of all the Creatures in all of The Worlds, by Baron Joseph von Noseworth-Socks and Dr. Mimsy A. Crumbles:

In the time of the time in question, which is much earlier than time is now, there existed a King Muckles-string who oversaw the kingdom of New Dunsley Clackyshire on the Sea (though in truth it was just close to the sea). And the King had a terrible problem.

There was a building central to the town, The Raincoat Keeper, where all the too small raincoats, back up raincoats, raincoats for future use, and previous raincoats which could no longer be used were stored. It rains quite frequently in New Dunsley Clackyshire on the Sea. The building was old, and, as the town people often said, a bit wobbly.

In any case, one day the King had arranged a parade for all of the heavy things in the town. He was trying to promote fitness. So the townsfolk dutifully gathered up all of the heavy things and loaded them onto carts for the parade. There was a statue of a camelsaurus (the King was fond of dinosaurs), and Mr. Elmsberry’s fish tank which contained, among other rare species, a leafy dragon eel. Also in the parade was a giant sack of pennies that the elder Mrs. Fungalstinn had spent her life collecting, a model of a volcano that was used during National Lava and Explosions Week, a giant egg whisk made of solid metal that commemorated the mention of New Dunsley Clackyshire on the Sea in book nine of the poggly woggly adventure series, the local cat that ate all of the rats, and finally the De Confetti family’s collection of bricks.

The Parade of Heavy Things was meant to start at the edge of town, circle The Raincoat Keeper, and then proceed to the other edge of town. But as the Parade of Heavy Things began circling The Raincoat Keeper something bad happened.

The building shuddered, then sighed, and the walls and the roof collapsed into a pile of dust as if the Raincoat Keeper had never existed. Raincoats began to blow around New Dunsley Clackyshire. People were seen walking down the street with red children’s raincoats stuck in their hair, yellow crossing guard’s raincoats plastered to briefcases, and blue fishermen’s raincoats caught on the bottom of shoes.

As New Dunsley Clackyshire is in a valley, the raincoats blew in a circle around the town. Pretty soon everything was covered with raincoats – the sidewalks, the houses, even the camelsaurus. If one saw it one would imagine it was just a giant coat rack and not an esteemed dinosaur. The people of the village picked up the rain coats but had no where to put them and, in any case, more blew in to take the place of the ones people picked up.

Around this time a Croco-diamond came to the village. He seemed out of breath as he arrived. One might have thought he had been running, though Croco-diamonds aren’t normally known to hurry. He dragged behind him a large corked bottle. Something grey and cloudlike swirled around inside it.

“Greetings good people of the town of New Dunsley Clackyshire on the Sea! What a fine town you seem to have! I am amused by your decorations. Perhaps it is National Raincoat Day? I do love holidays. Especially ones that last a week. Why just the other day I was telling King Ramsley of North Cuffsley…”

A breeze picked up and blew a pink polka dot raincoat onto the Croco-diamond’s head.

“Well, I see I have now joined in your raincoat celebration. I thank you, the good people of New Dunsley Clackyshire on the…”

More raincoats landed on the Croco-diamond, sticking to the jewels on his spine and tangling around his finely manicured nails.

“Mmmphff. Well. This is a bit of a situation.”

The king rushed forward and pulled the rain coats off the Croco-diamond. Croco-diamonds are considered royalty according to Von Murray Royalty Reference and the king was embarrassed about the rain coats landing on such a regal figure.

“Oh pardon,” said the king as he held up his royal robe to shield the Croco-diamond from further rain coat assaults. “We had a parade of heavy things and…”

“I am very much in a hurry,” said the Croco-diamond, interrupting the king. “You see, my favorite uncle has fallen into an abysm while looking for a button and I must rescue him.”

“An abysm?” asked the king.

“Yes. He was strolling through the moors with Lord Fangerly when he lost a button. While looking for the button he fell into an abysm. One can only be grateful he fell into an abysm and not a schism. Or a crack. Or a fissure. Or a rent or a rupture. Imagine if my uncle had fallen into a split or a sunder. Though I supposed one might not be able to fall into a sunder. And all for a button…”

“A button? I mean, an abysm?” asked the king again. He was very confused.

“Yes. I see you understand. So I have created a vortex to pull him out of the abysm.” The Croco-diamond pointed to the bottle with the swirling cloud inside. “I must make haste to the moors! So if you would be so kind…”

But just at that moment a rain coat landed on the head of Mr. Elsmberry,

who stepped backward onto the tail of the cat that ate all of the rats

(who was, at that moment, trying to eat Mr. Elmsberry’s fish),

causing the cat to jump on the De Confetti family’s collection of bricks,

causing a brick to fall onto the bottle next to the Croco-diamond.

There was a sharp ^CRACK and then a loud _{WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH}.

“Oh dear,” said the Croco-diamond. “There goes the vortex. I fear a bad result for all.”

The vortex rose from the ground and swirled above the crowd, spinning faster and faster as it rose.

“The camelsaurus!!!” cried the king, and he ran to protect his beloved dinosaur.

BUT.

The vortex, in fact, was slowly sucking in all the rain coats. As it spun around the town, looking somewhat like a tornado but also like a cone of multi-colored cotton candy, it sucked up the polka dotted rain coats, the firemen’s rain coats, the ancient rain coat of Great Aunt Ethel, and all the other rain coats (except for those that were properly hung in the closet).

And after all the rain coats were cleaned up, the vortex rose towards the hills and disappeared from sight.

The Croco-diamond sighed and peered up at the sky. “How sad. I was going to rescue my uncle and then patent my vortex.”

But soon the jubilation of the town people, who were finally free from rain coats, raised the Croco-diamond’s spirits. Mrs. Fungalstinn made him a very fine sash proclaiming the Croco-diamond the rescuer of the people of New Dunsley Clackyshire on the Sea and Grandpa De Confetti took a picture of him standing regally next to the camelsaurus in his sash.

The king declared that the Croco-diamond was the luckiest creature in all of the worlds so that any town and every person would, if they met a Croco-diamond, welcome him and take care of him.

The best luck would belong to any person who met a Croco-diamond.

uninspiring inspiration

I joined a writer's group and went to my first meeting yesterday. It will also be the last meeting I go to.

Firstly, my GPS was majorly fucking up and was telling me the location was not where it was (it was a block down and on the opposite side of the street from the location my GPS told me to go to - and, while I'm criticizing my GPS, I'm pissed that my new GPS doesn't have a male british voice to give directions - I find the only voice that you can select for english to be annoying). And because my eyes aren't super great it was hard to find the place.

I had to pay $5 to attend the meeting. Why? Good question. We literally sat at a table at the smiling moose deli in bum fuck nowhere writing silently for almost two hours. The good thing about this is I had brought my kid's book and I edited it. Before the meeting broke up we each read two paragraphs from what we were working on. I went second to last and read a paragraph from my book and the organizer had a surprised look on her face when I was done.

She cornered me after the meeting and asked what I thought. I told her honestly that I do PLENTY of writing and I don't need someone to force me to sit down and write but I do need other people's input because I'm basically writing in a vacuum. She said she would hook me up with an editor she knows. She also said, just from hearing a few sentences from my kid's book, that she thinks I have a great voice. I told her I thought my book would be a hard sell because it's so different than most of what's out there for kids and she said "Don't chase a trend. Harry Potter was an outlier too."

So I went home and, besides doing a lot of walking, finished editing the book. I'm also going to do an illustration for each chapter (I showed the illustrations I did to Jess and Edge and they laughed, though not in an unkind way, they're just shitty beyond words - Edge said he can help me because he's an amazing artist). I'll post a chapter every day on my blog. Feedback welcome.

vegetables, with a cheeseburger thrown in

Yesterday my friend Jess invited me to meet her and her husband at TAG, a burger place near them. I waffled back and forth on going because I didn't want to drive and it was 3 1/2 miles away. I was not worried about walking, I was worried about what would happen if something went bad with my left eye and I ended up in excruciating pain unable to see 3 miles from my house.

I did some test walks and my eye did good so I decided to meet them. My vision was blurry by the time I got there (that's normal, it degrades over the course of the day) and Edge had nicely sat himself against a red wall so I would be able to see him (he also said "I knew you would know it was me even if you couldn't see me because I would be the only black guy here" - haha!).

Was the burger worth a 7 mile round trip? Um, fuck yeah.

this was the old school burger

We also had two bowls of brussel sprouts. I like them now as long as they are fried in bacon fat.

About half way through dinner Jess asked our server why TAG had switched to frozen french fries. A long discussion ensued. Then the manager of TAG came over and sat next to me. Jess knows him because she eats there all the time. I would mention that we were all a little drunk (I had only had one glass of wine but I've been terrified to drink anything since my eye surgery because I didn't want to bump my eye and I think I was dehydrated from walking 3 1/2 miles even though I drank two glasses of water when I got to TAG). And then he ordered us another round of drinks

I wasn't contributing much to the conversation except for randomly mentioning places that have good french fries. Most of the places were not in Denver though. And I kept laughing for no reason. At the end of the french fry conversation the manager shook my hand. As soon as he left Jess was like "are you a MORON????  I am pretty sure he was hitting on you!!!" and I was like "oh, I'm drunk and I couldn't see what he looked like anyway". Oh well. 

He gave me his card but I don't think I'll email him (he asked me to email him something funny I said about frozen french fries but fuck if I can remember what it was). One of the many reasons I'm single...

Then we had a discussion about why Japan bombed Pearl Harbor. One of my favorite things about Jess and Edge is they like to talk about interesting shit. I learned a lot from Edge about Pearl Harbor that I didn't know.

Edge and Jess wanted to put me in a cab but it was such a beautiful night I insisted on walking home. I did great until I had to cross colfax street. I stupidly crossed at an intersection where 6 roads come together at angles and I almost got hit by a car because I was wearing a dark sweat shirt (though, my backpack has reflective material on it - I think the driver was drunk).

It was one of the more fun evenings I've had this year.

Today I picked what will probably be the last vegetables from my garden (I might get a few more tomatoes, we'll see).

think I'll do a stir fry with them, or maybe a quiche

PRK

I had my eye surgery Thursday evening. So, most people who get PRK are hit with the laser for 5 - 10 seconds. I had it for 60 seconds on my right eye and 40 seconds on my left. I could smell my eye burning. Seriously. 

Good news is that the scar tissue that was fucking up my sight is gone and they have this new shit they put in my eyes that should keep the scar tissue from coming back.

The thing is, I didn't realize I would be TOTALLY blind after the surgery. And in excruciating pain. The only thing I've done worse to myself is my knee surgery. My work friend C took me for the surgery and dropped me off at my house. She seemed worried about me but I assured her I was fine. About 5 minutes after she left everything was so blurry I was even bumping into furniture. I realized I didn't know which eye drops I was supposed to use as well. And I couldn't see what time it was to know when I was supposed to take them.

I ended up going over to the low income housing because there's always someone hanging around outside. A nice man there set alarms on my phone so I would know when to take my meds. I then spent Friday and most of the weekend in bed with my eyes closed and covered with ice bags. My eyes swelled up and turned bright pink. I know this not because I could see them but because I attended an art show at my neighbor's house and he thought I had fake contacts in because my eyes looked so bad.

A sculptor hit on me at the art show. My vision was so blurry all I could see was a general outline of him. I don't even know what color his hair was. He said I was a magnificent creature, what ever that means, and that he wanted to have sex with me as well as have me pose for a sculpture he's making for the Denver Public Library. After he propositioned me I decided to go home.

On Monday I opened my eyes and the pain was substantially better and I could see. I went to my doc's at 845 to get the bandage contacts out. In the process of taking out the bandage in my left eye I sustained a 6 mm corneal tear. That feels like having a nail shot into your eye. I was in so much pain I almost threw up. But I did not, at the time, know my cornea was torn.

They gave me some numbing drops and I started to walk home but the drops, as soon as I got into the sun, didn't do shit. My eyes were watering uncontrollably and I couldn't really see. Then, for what ever reason, my nose started bleeding but my vision was so bad I couldn't see the blood. I ran out of kleenex for my eyes and nose so was wiping both of the on a white scarf I was wearing. I got to this intersection where all the homeless people hang out. They usually block the sidewalk. For me they parted like the red sea.

I didn't really sleep much Monday or Tuesday night. But when I finally opened my eyes at 430 Wednesday morning I could see. So I drove over to a colleague's house to pick him up for work (he was leaving town and I offered to take him into work and to the airport because he gave me a ride the day of my surgery) and by the time I got there (it was only 2 miles) my eyes really hurt. I managed to survive until noon when we had to leave for the airport. My colleague drove us there and when I walked around the back of the car to get in the driver's side he joked "oh, this is a tearful goodbye!" because my eyes were watering uncontrollably. Then my left eye wouldn't open.

I got home somehow but it wasn't pleasant. I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. As soon as I got home I put ice on my eyes and decided to work from home Thursday. I also called my doctor's office and got an appointment.

The doctor admonished me for waiting so long to come in and put a bandage contact on my eye. It was like instantaneous relief. Everything is great today (though I still worked from home because people in my office had told my PM how bad I looked and how I was in pain and he told me to stay home and rest if I needed to).

I know my eyes probably won't stay this good re: my vision but I'm amazed what a huge difference the surgery made (colors are brighter, no more blind spots in my vision). However, I would rather have cancer twice again than do that surgery again. But, I needed to get my eyes fixed up for flying. And most of the difficulty was my fault. I should have taken my friend C up on her offer to take care of me. Oh well. It's a lesson I never fail to not learn...

PINSMs persist

PINSMs are still going strong at work. I received two while I was in Texas.

I lent a work colleague the movie Romeo is Bleeding; he didn't make it funny which is weird because he's pretty funny

my friend C and her over achieving PINSM; she said when she saw this card she immediately thought of me

I'm off work early today because I have a pre-op appointment with my ophthalmologist. I'm getting PRK on Thursday. Hopefully I'll be able to drive by Tuesday...

quirks of quantum electrodynamics,etc.

I have unfortunately gone down the bottomless worm hole of the casimir effect and need to stop reading articles about it. I heard about it while taking a study break last week and, checking out Discovery channel in the hopes that a shark show might be on, and instead stumbling on the show Ancient Aliens, where there was mention of the aforementioned casimir effect, I got obsessed.

Because that's what aspies do. 

I may figure out how to levitate. I think if I know how to levitate I would get invited to more parties. In fact, right as I started my research, I received an invite to a paradox sports party.

I bought the first two seasons of Ancient Aliens for my dad and we watched them a couple of thanksgivings ago. He thought it was a comedy. I didn't correct him. We laughed through both seasons.

But, discovery channel, really? Why clog the tv with that shit when you have all those good shark shows I want to see but can't except when I'm in a hotel because I don't have a tv? Next time I'll send you my schedule so you can plan accordingly.

I would also mention I have been reading about mereotopology for no good reason other than it has some relationship to meta models, which I love.

Today and tomorrow I have to catch up on my spanish class. I'm trying at the moment, even though I'm tired, to memorize the top five phrases I'll probably need to know: 

"Tienas una curita?" (do you have a band aid?) 
"Soy alergico a la miel y mariscos" (I'm allergic to honey and shellfish)
"Te gustan los tiberones?" (do you like sharks? (it's good to bond with people over common obsessions))
"Cuanto para el enano?" (how much for the midget?)
"Estoy bastante seguro de que se ha roto." (I'm pretty sure it's broken (thought I would keep that general, I break a lot of shit))

I've been in Texas too long. My brain is turning into refried beans or some other badly executed mexican dish.

I passed my iEAi exam on Friday (I missed one point on a rather bullshit question, the worst grade is 99 out of 100, that's like getting second place) and am now a certified international enterprise architect. Fucking yiiiippppeeeee. The exam took two hours. It sucked. I got the highest grade in the class and the company that teaches the class wants to certify me to teach it. As you can tell from the pic, the certification means so much to me that I got it all wrinkled within 10 minutes of receiving it. I put it in my suitcase next to all my dirty socks.

trust me, I'm internationally certified

Four people failed the final. I told them I would do some break out study sessions with them over the next month so they can retake the exam.

Flight from San Antonio was a disaster start to finish. The exam ended at 1:30 and my flight didn't leave until 745. Weather delay - check. Crying baby - check. Morbidly obese passenger seated next to me - check. Then when I landed in Denver it took me 5 minutes to find my keys (rookie error, I can tell I haven't been traveling much). I finally got home around 1130. My suit case smells like I packed the san antonio river in it. Which I guess I did, between my bathing suit and my shoes.

The oddest thing happened on Friday. After the exam I and the Texans who paid for me to get the certification went out to lunch. I never was invited to lunch with them because they said I wouldn't like the food they eat (true - and some true stories - they eat a product that's pork skin heated in the microwave - thankfully I'm a jew and could beg out of trying it - they also eat popcorn nonstop, and last Friday when I brought in cupcakes one guy took two cookies and mashed his cupcake between the cookies making a cookie cupcake sandwich - they're all going to have diabetes if they don't already).

I contributed to the problem - these cupcakes were ridiculous...

I found this great korean place near San Antonio called Seoul Garden. I had a bowl of yukgaejang which burned most of the skin inside my mouth off (it was temperature hot, not spicy hot). It was good. The Texans had ribs or the "korean" hamburger (the two american things on the menu - one did try some kimchee). Then we went back to the classroom and I met most of the Texans' spouses. They might as well have introduced me like "this is an alien named Franki, we believe she came from Mars". My pink hair was maybe a contributing factor.

But, they were also bragging about eating korean food. Expanded horizons are good. I hope they go back there. The food was great and the owner gave me a hug after earlier yelling at me when I inquired as to whether or not the yukgaejang had honey or shellfish in it. It was nice.

And since I hadn't eaten since lunch I had a bowl of granola cereal and a glass of red wine before finally going to bed at 1230. It's not as bad as it sounds.

(I'm lying)

How the FUCK did I ever fly every week? I feel emotionally crippled from a 2 1/2 hour (plus 30 minute delay due to weather) flight.

Oh yeah, I had status back then. And free drink tickets.

I woke up at 530 this morning and couldn't fall back to sleep so I got up and got all my shit done (laundry, ironing, food shopping, work out, etc.). 

Now it's only 3 PM and I'm le tired and ready for bed...

los idiomas

In preparation to potentially buy a place in Spain, near surfing, because their real estate market is in a downturn, I'm taking a Spanish class on edX.

Hard to believe I was at one time fairly fluent in Spanish...I suck at it now...

I've just finished my first lesson. What I learned is there's this guy Nacho who's a lawyer. He tells EVERYONE he's a lawyer. Nacho, congratu-fucking-lations on passing the bar. You must think you're the only guy ever to be a lawyer.

He has a friend Virginia who talks really fast. I think that might be because she likes Nacho. But there's this other woman Queque that hangs out with Nacho too, and I think he likes her better because he keeps inviting her for ice cream. Though, Virginia is a bit overweight and perhaps has diabetes so he doesn't want to risk her having an insulin issues which she probably would if she ate ice cream.

If he asks Virginia to do his laundry I would say affirmatively he likes Queque and is just using Virginia.

There's also this woman Maria Jesus that everyone keeps talking about, but I haven't seen her yet. She's an architect. I'm glad they didn't make her a waitress. I would guess they wouldn't make her a waitress because Spain is pretty religious and it's one thing for him, Jesus, to be a blue collar fisherman or carpenter and quite another for him to be a waitress sweeping crumbs off tables and explaining the evening's specials.

He'd probably be good at recommending wine I would think.

When I took spanish in Managua I had to, as a class assignment, write a poem. My poem was:

Me gusta tocar la guitarra y cantar 
me gusta nadar en el mar 
pero no tengo brazos 
y mi boca está llena de arena

I like to play the guitar and sing 
I like to swim in the sea 
but I have no arms 
and my mouth is full of sand

I got an A for effort.

texan weekend

Saturday was pretty much a funny disaster start to finish. I got up at the crack of dawn to head down to Corpus Christi with the goal of either surfing or paddle boarding. Bu the red tide moved in so all the beaches were closed. I went to mustang island and started coughing uncontrollably because of the red tide and then I started having problems breathing. Then I decided to go to the aquarium but it was so packed there was no place to park in the parking lot. So then I decided to rent a bike but it turns out there was some bike ride going on and no one had any bikes to rent.

I headed to Padre Island north beach but that was also shut down due to the red tide. I ran an errand for one of the guys in my boot camp who has family on Padre Island (dropped some stuff off at the family's house - it was kind of weird). When I finally headed home I got caught in a huge rainstorm that was so bad I had to pull off on an exit (car was hydroplaning all over the place even though I was only going 20 MPH - I'm in a little chevy spark which generally sucks but did get up to almost 100 MPH on an empty stretch of highway but then it felt like it was going to fall apart so I slowed down).

Saturday evening I headed out for go carts but the place was jam packed and there was a huge wait to ride so I left. I was surprised so many people would go go carting on a saturday evening...guess I'm not the only one who never gets invited to parties...anyway, I spent a few hours at the San Antonio jazz fest and then headed back to the hotel.

Sunday morning I went to espada park for my kayak trip. The guide said the trip I signed up for would be too boring and recommended another trip but said I would have to do it solo. It was cool. There were at least 20 drops, the last one was 15 feet (at an angle, not vertical) which was really fun once I did it (I admit I was scared to go down it, especially because I couldn't see the whole drop so I had to figure out where to go to not hit rocks as I was dropping which is not the way you're supposed to do it). Yard sale averted, somehow.

 Also, I got caught in a current which took me under a tree that was in the water. It was like branch fireworks. When I arrived at the take out I took off my life vest and a huge branch fell out of the back of my vest.

I had to do 3 carries, which sucked because they were at the end of the paddle and I had a lot of water in my kayak. But, I made it.

Today in class someone said I smelled weird and I realized it was my shoes and my hair, from the river. I'm washing both tonight.

team building, my style

I'm in San Antonio this week because I was selected to attend a boot camp. I'm the first person from my area to ever be selected to attend in the 10 years the camp's been running. No pressure. I was given a list of people I was supposed to network with.

The first day I did no networking and instead stood on one side of the conference room fake smoking while the other participants, who all knew each other, stood on the other side having fun.

But slowly they started to like me, especially after I started giving them free training sessions and fixed some of the problems they've been having. There are two guys in their early 30s, Jaf and Zack, who have glommed on to me.

I was telling Jaf about my flying lessons and he said "I want to learn to fly too!" and I said (because he's pakistani) "you guys only need to use the simulator". Haha. Jaf also wanted to go surfing with me this weekend. As if. I'm not going because the surf conditions are horrible. Instead he and Zack and I are going to learn to race go carts.

Today at lunch we were all standing in the kitchen and Jaf offered me a pretzel ball. I said I couldn't eat it because it had peanut butter in the center. Jaf and Zack were then like "oh, I'm allergic to THE WORLD" in girly voices. I gave them the finger so Zack threw a pretzel ball at me. It broke into a bunch of pieces. So I squirted some foam hand soap into my palm and threw it at Zack. It got on his shirt so he grabbed a can of air freshener and sprayed me with it (why are guys at work always attacking me with aerosols?).

I finally wrestled it away from him and ran through the kitchen into the training room, Zack and Jaf in hot pursuit. I knocked over a bunch of chairs to slow them down and then ran into the ladies' room, where I left the air freshener. I waited about 5 minutes and figured it was safe to head back to the training room. But as I walked in Jaf and Zack jumped out from behind a partition and started throwing dry erase board markers at me. I threw them back until the instructor came in and yelled at us.

I smelled like "christmas spruce" (the name of the air freshener) for the rest of the afternoon.

The worst part about the whole story is we had a big exam today and I didn't study last night because I was researching things to do on the weekend and was supposed to study on lunch break, not get into marker fights. I got to class early this morning with the thought of studying but then got distracted fixing a problem for a colleague. And the woman who is the director for the group hosting the boot camp said she was going to sit next to me to cheat off me and I was like "oh shit, if I fail, she fails...will I get fired?"

Anyway, I got the highest score in the class on the exam (97%) even though it was really hard. And the director passed (but with a lower score than me because she didn't totally cheat off me). Out of 15 of us 5 failed the exam.

I told my program manager I am networking and team building as instructed but didn't mention that I was doing that by destroying our class room and throwing markers at my fellow students.

Now, since I'm in Texas, I'm off to have a steak.

just how hard is it to rebuild a WRX engine

Today I sent my brother Bob an email asking him to review a job description for a .NET developer (my work may be getting me my own developer!!!!).

He made some edits and sent them to me. My favorite part of the email is when he wrote:

"you should put in something really funny like "10+ years with visual studio 2012"

I responded:

Cool, THANK YOU!!!!!!

I'll try to not abuse the developer and get him / her to do things like build me a mobile app so I can order sushi without having to talk to a human being...

He responded:

I would not eat sushi in Denver.  Around here, you can get it at most grocery stores, and it's awesome and caught the day you buy it. haha.  with self-checkout, you don't have to interact with anyone.

Lately, though, I've been going to auto parts stores to buy various things like jack oil (for hydraulic jacks) and various misc fuel line hoses and crap like that.  There's no way to get these random things on the internet and the counter people are total idiots.  Walk into your local auto zone and ask them if they have a tool box.  Then you have to say it really slow, Tool ... Box.  No, not a shopping cart.  A metal box with a handle that you put your tools in.  What?  They don't actually have one?  argh.

Luckily, I found a shop manual for my car online.  No more printed books that get all greasy.  But now I fear when I go to put it back together, my laptop will get all greasy :)  I just need to know how hard to torque all the bolts down.

I was a little intimidated (ok, a LOT intimidated) when the new gaskets arrived - 4 bags full of anmarked gaskets of varying sizes.  I suppose I'll be able to figure out which is what, but the shear volume has me a bit worried.

I watched a youtube video of a master mechanic taking out a non-turbo Legacy engine - 4 hours, video edited down to about 20 minutes.  I've been having more difficulty than him - stuck bolts that require soaking in wd-40 or pb-blast, etc.  Also, I had some other stuff to do that I thought my friends could help with.  

I had to mow the lawn where I was going to park the car.  Then I decided that I should trim the bushes back in that same spot.  Then I pulled the car into the space, and it is sloped a bit, so I had to jack up half the car.  I took out the battery and alternator and power steering pump, but it got way too hot.  I put together a 10x10 tent that I had in the shed.  I was REALLY hoping to offload these tasks to friends, who didn't show up, even though they said they were interested and I only really invited them to watch and take pictures.

So I looked into renting an engine lift, and it turns out that harbor freight had one for $150 - wich was cheaper than renting one.  I put it together (yet another thing I was hoping to offload) and it didn't have enough fluid in it - so I had to undo the whole thing and repair the lift (argh)

So basically I've been a little frustrated by my friends, and wasted a ton of time doing non-taking-the-car-apart things.  But like every other project, I've had trouble getting others interested and willing to help.  It's a bob thing, I think.  

Here are some pics.

why is he rebuilding the engine? um, why not

here's a picture of all the stuff in the engine...it's a lot of stuff, and it's all interconnected

I would guess this is to protect the rebuild from the elements?

um...the engine...and he's going to take this apart...and put it back together...he will do it!

aforementioned hydraulic lift...I wonder how many sisters have brothers that own a hydraulic lift

I mention these things specifically because I had dinner tonight with my friend Gadget whom I haven't seen in 10 years (last time I saw him was around this time in 2005, he was on business from Baltimore, we met at midnight and did Torrey's and Gray's and then I made it back to the office for a 9 am meeting). He brought me a new member for my female army, Steph. She asked me to mentor her, which was flattering.

The female army grows.

Dear male world:

My army will be taking over. There will be no warning. And it will be a gentle take over, we come in peace. 

All we want is equal pay for equal work. And respect for female geeks, we don't give a shit if you want to date brainless waitresses or teachers, just don't treat us like your (inferior) sig o. And opportunities for females to do cool nerdy shit without having some bag of dick guys repress us by saying negative shit or ignoring what we say because you think we don't notice when we come up with a good idea and you take credit for it later...we do.

We're better at math than you. And better at sports. And coding. Get over it.

Or we'll teach you how to get over it. The hard way. And that's not a double entendre. 

courtesy of the female engineers of everywhere
we have you surrounded
give up

sincerely, us

...and the rest of my crazy Thurday (coke heads and crackheads)

On thursday after the project work meeting, I didn't get home until 730. I headed outside for a workout which finished around 830 because I was tired and needed to go to bed early to be at the office for a 7 am meeting.

Right as I was pouring a glass of wine my doorbell rang. It was the sister in law of my crazy next door neighbor (among other antics, he was supposed to pick me up from the airport after my surfing trip in February but got the date wrong and got everyone at DEN stirred up because he thought I had been kidnapped ). 

Anyway, she said my neighbor had a massive mental break down two weeks ago and they were going to get him committed but he disappeared. Before disappearing he destroyed his phone so no one had a way to contact him. And for what ever reason he told his sister in law that I was the only person he trusted.

She asked if I was hiding him in my house and I said no. She asked if I could help find him and I said fuck no. She said she thought the mental problems he's having are related to drugs and I was like no shit. She said "I know he smokes a lot of pot" and I told her that he was also doing coke (at least at the dinner parties I attended). I also showed her the disturbing text messages he sent me right before he disappeared.

...and that's when my doorbell rang again. This time it was two crack head women (seriously, they smoke crack) who live across the street and two doors down from me. They said their kitten was stuck in the engine block of their van and asked if I would get the kitten out. Seriously. Do these people come to my house because I'm the only one who is dumb enough to answer my door after 8 PM?

The sister in law is a kitten lover so she was like "you have to help them!" So I got my mag flashlight and went out to the van and looked around the engine block until I found the kitten who was in fact not stuck. The fucking kitten was just hanging out in the engine block. 

I was like "This kitten has no reason to hang out in the engine block. It's too stupid to live." And the crack heads and the sister in law were like "No, save the kitten!" So I said I was going to dump some water on the kitten but they were like "noooooo, that's sooooo mean!" I tried to fish the kitten out but couldn't get my arm in the engine block in such a way as to not kill the kitten pulling it to safety. Plus the two crack head women were holding the engine hood open and I didn't have a lot of faith in their ability to not drop it on me if I leaned to far into the engine. 

So I got some tuna fish out of my pantry and put it under the van and the fucking kitten climbed out of the engine block and ate the tuna.

Here's the kicker. It wasn't their fucking kitten. It was just some random kitten. They realized this only after the kitten climbed out of the engine block.

I was like seriously, are you fist fucking me?

I gave the sister in law my cell number and promised to text her if my neighbor came home. By this point it was 930 and I was on the verge of an exhausted collapse but I had to eat something because I hadn't eaten much all day because I was just too busy.

I had a tuna fish sandwich because I was in the mood to be ironic.

...a word about a cool project I'm working on

This project I am working on with a colleague of mine (it was his idea, I'm just doing the architecture and the code, we work on it after hours because it's not part of my real job) which is a really cool project got a tentative green light. We're briefing the project sponsor next week. We briefed the CIO and the CTO on Thursday and they are on board. The CTO is the one who ultimately green lights us and he said "In all the years I've been doing this I have never had a project come through my review with as much done as what you've done. You've pretty much built the software." 

(I included the code and sql statements from my prototype in the briefing because I'm proud of them and yeah I did fucking build the software, hopefully the dev team will just have to cut and paste from my code to their dev environment).

The above mentioned briefing was after hours because the CIO and CTO were in meetings all day. We thought we'd get 30 minutes, we got an hour and a half. During the briefing there was a huge storm (we almost lost power). After the CTO and CIO left the major and I wrote up some quick notes and then headed out (it was almost 7 by this time and only the emergency lights were on in the building because who is at work that fucking late and good job [my work place] for being environmentally conscious. 

As my colleague and I  walked outside from our dark emergency light office the sun had that weird quality of super bright fakeness that happens after a big rain (I'll spare you the scientific explanation of that phenomenon unless you're interested - I learned about that in my meteorology class). And there was, seriously, the BIGGEST fucking rainbow I've ever seen in the sky. We both stopped walking as soon as we saw it and we both said "look at that fucking rainbow" at the same time. 

I hope it was a sign from the atmosphere saying "nitrogen, oxygen, and argon support you and we are the foundation of life so go fucking deploy some software and shit! and since we have your attention, fuck carbon dioxide, and thanks for recycling!" 

(I was, instead of the above sentence, going to make a joke about reflection, refraction and dispersion but then thought "I'm really tired, I've written a lot of code this week, and that joke probably isn't funny even to a meteorologist")

The best part is the software acronym is the same as my dad's initials. And if it works it's going to be a big deal...

I've spent the past 4 weekends working on the prototype and sad to say went to bed at 8:20 on Friday because I was so tired...

unlike big foot we have proof...actually, maybe Mr. Army IS big foot...

I sent an email to my friend G about the cookie exchange I had with Mr. Army.

G responded back:

Mr. Army is comically idiotic. Does he seriously exist?

I wrote:
Yes he's real. And he's funnier than two greased midgets fucking in a burlap sack.

Actually, I would not find that funny. I don't even know why I said that. Midgets give me nightmares when they're the ones with disproportional hands and heads.

Shit, now I'm going to be thinking about that for the rest of the night.

Where was I...

Oh yeah. I'm going to stir him up on Wednesday by bringing in more peanut butter cookies but I'm going to record him and send you the recording so you can see I'm not making this shit up. The cookies will taste good but I'm going to make them look really fucked up to instigate as much mayhem as possible.

You will laugh. 

I'll take pictures of the cookies too.

NO. 

IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will bring in my quinoa snacks. Yes!!!!!! He'll have a verbal coronary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, doing that on Wednesday...