I'm not bernie madoff, but I do have screws on my desk

Well, it's been quite a day. Got up at the crack of dawn because the guys came to turn on my sprinklers at 730 this morning and for some reason, when people come to my house, I feel the need to be showered and stuff. Not that they care.

Then I moved my old shelves out of my office and put together my new ones. Very cool.

green matches my treadmill desk, sans glitter

Then I began the project to create a frame for my white board. Note to self, do a search before attempting to paint a white board on the wall. I found a bunch of suggestions for just taking a picture frame, putting a cool pattern in where the picture should go, and then writing on the glass. Cheaper, and a lot less work than my project.

Should have done a search before hand...

In any case, I've never built a frame before. I went to home depot and the only wood I could find was a thick pine but I got it anyway. And, while I was driving to hd, I saw the car in front of me hit a guy on a bicycle at the junction of Colfax and I-25 (exit ramp). He was okay but his back tire was mangled. Stupid bitch talking on her cell phone.

Where was I...oh yes, making the frame. I wouldn't suggest this process, but here's what I did:

One side of my white board is an inch shorter than the other (shut up Bob and Steve - YOU try leveling painters tape by yourself) so I decided to put the frame on so I could exactly measure where all the pieces needed to be cut.

so, um, that's my manual saw and crappy plastic mitre box - and my cutting surface is my as yet to be installed swamp cooler

fucking board kept moving around, and I have no idea where my clamps are, so I improvised with zip ties and zip tied each board to the mitre box before cutting it

switched to using my DWR desk that used to be in my office because the swamp cooler was not cutting it (haha) and then realized I cut one of the boards at the wrong angle...redo...glad I got all the boards in the same size so I used the mis-cut board for the (shorter) side and an as yet to be cut board as the replacement for the mis-cut board

ends sanded...ready to assemble...

are you fucking shocked? me too - it WORKED!!!!

Now all I have to do is staple the frame together, prime it, and then paint it with the glitter paint. Hopefully the staples will work...and not exactly sure how I'll get it on the wall by myself...but I'll think of something.

BTW, fitbit only gave me 500 steps for spending an hour sawing. Fuck you fitbit.

tools at the ready for mounting the white board...

lemon oatmeal bars and no bake oatmeal cookies - more disasters from my kitchen

My neighbor Carol sent me a recipe for oatmeal lemon bars to help me with my cooking skills. I decided to make them last night, as well as some no bake oatmeal cookies (I like oatmeal) that are supposedly so easy to make that they're on a web site for 6 year olds who want to cook.

I gathered all the ingredients...

...and realized I was looking at the wrong recipe. Different ingredients.

The lemon bars were supposed to go in an 8 x 12 inch dish. I used a 9 x 13 because that's what I have. And it said to butter the dish before putting the bars in it. I had doubts whether just butter was okay with a glass dish, or whether I should add flour, and whether the recipe writer assumed I'd be using a non-stick dish...in any case, I decided fuck it, I'll just butter the dish. My hand mixer looks like it's dying of exhaustion because it took almost 7 minutes to mix the butter to the point where it was squishy.

Lemon bars, assembled. I had to cook them for 4 extra minutes, not sure if that was because of the glass, using a different pan, or just a general fuck up on my part. The recipe said to cut them after I took them out of the oven but then to let them chill in the pan before removing them. I wasn't sure if that meant to put them in the refrigerator or if it was more like a Jay Z chillin thing. I put them in the refrigerator. When I took them out of the pan the bottom of the lemon bars were stuck to the pan but I figured out how to get them unstuck by using a knife and a spatula. Overall, they are good, but think a denser bar would be better. Should have waited until I had the right pan.

To make the no bake oatmeal cookies the recipe called for a cookie sheet, which I don't have, and parchment paper, which I don't have either. Wasn't parchment paper replaced in the middle ages? I used the top of a tupperware container and some wax paper.

So, the first step in the no bake recipe was to bake something. Odd. I had to melt butter and milk together. I used powdered milk and guessed what the powder to water ratio should be. To be honest I just threw a tablespoon (since one was already on the counter) in with some water and decided that was good enough.

It said to bring the milk and butter to a rolling boil. Not sure what that meant but once the milk and butter puffed up I assumed it was rolling.

The milk and butter mixed in with the other crap. And the recipe said to work quickly forming the mix into balls and dropping it on the parchment paper. Well, it was really fucking hot and hard to work with. Like trying to make balls out of boiling tar. Maybe they assumed that little kids cook so slow that if they didn't say hurry up the kids would take hours playing with the batter (or what ever you call the above mess) and not end up making any cookies.

I switched to this 8 x 8 metal pan because the tupperware lid wasn't working out very well. And at this point I realized I left out the 2 cups of sugar the recipe called for. I was like fuck it, I'm not going to try to add it in now.

Who pooped in my pan????

Completed food. Actually, both are pretty tasty. And now I don't need to cook for at least a month because that's how long it will take me to eat all this...

Van de Graaf generator

I got this from my brother Bob regarding my shocking treadmill:

You've made a pretty effective (and large) Van de Graaf generator.

http://hyperphysics.phy-astr.gsu.edu/hbase/electric/vandeg.html

Be proud, not many people build these anymore.

 

Well, go me...I guess.

my brother advises me on how to avoid shocks

me (to my brothers):

When I walk on my treadmill (in my running shoes) I keep getting shocked. Also, twice when I've touched my laptop the shock was bad enough to shut it down.

Any ideas?

I walked 10 miles at work yesterday...

my brother Steve (that's Dr. Steve to you, I can still call him just Steve):

Rubbing a rubber balloon on your head generates static electricity.  A treadmill is basically a very big version of this.  There are some static generators that are a rubber piece moving along a metal bowl in dry air.  Know any place with dry air?  

Your treadmill should be properly grounded and oiled that will reduce friction, and therefore electron exchange.  But if you are doing 10 miles a day and you are overwhelming it then you need to go to other measures: Look at #1: http://www.wikihow.com/Remove-Static-Electricity

Consider a personal ground, before you fry your computer: http://www.overclockers.com/personal-grounding-are-you-and-your-components-static-safe/ or http://www.amazon.com/Belkin-Anti-Static-Wrist-Adjustable-Grounding/dp/B00004Z5D1/ref=sr_1_1?s=electronics&ie=UTF8&qid=1397060633&sr=1-1&keywords=grounding+strap

Potentially your house has a poor ground.  I don't have an earth-ground tester, but many electricians do (they are only around $4k, we all should have one). Rather than hire an electrician to test your ground and install a rod, it might be cheaper to add a new grounding rod, just make sure that it's not in soil, that it's grounded in rock.

Every time I get my house fixed up to the point where I think I'm done, someone comes up with something else...now I'm worried about my house not being grounded properly...

and the winner is...me!!!!!!!!

I am shocked to report that I actually won an auction on eBay (for less money than I was willing to pay on top of it!)!

I am soon to be the owner of two great white shark teeth (and one megalodon fossil thrown in there too).

best self present - EVER

I guess it might sound strange but I am REALLY excited to receive these. Should come by Tuesday at the latest. Ever since I was 5 I've always wanted a REAL great white shark tooth. No idea how Sea World got these (that's where the owner bought them, back in the 80s). Hopefully they didn't kill a shark.I'm calling these teeth an early birthday present (eBay waits for no one and doesn't care when your birthday is).

Hopefully my arts and crafts neighbor might be able to help me figure out how to do a little display case for my teeth.

In other news, I've been taking a course on financial markets and have applied some of what I've learned to my eBay auctions. Here's a weird thing. I had three items that didn't sell, one because the bidder canceled the bid after she won the auction. In any case, I thought I had them priced right (about 50% below the market value I determined by looking at similar items and how they were priced) but I lowered the prices of all of my items and now have bids that exceed the expected price I was hoping to get. In the case of the item that I had to relist because the bidder fucked up, when I relisted I lowered the price by $5 and currently have a bid that is $10 higher than I would have gotten had the original winner not canceled her bid after winning. So by listing an item WAY below market value I'm actually getting way above the market value.

Financial markets are crazy because people don't always use logic when it comes to money...

Random fact - the reason that exchange rates between countries fluctuates so much is because the US is not on the gold standard anymore and many countries tie their currency to ours. And hedge funds were designed to REDUCE risk for investors. That didn't work out so well. And there are assets that you can only invest in if you have $1 million dollars in assets (minus your home) because someone determined if you have a million in assets you must be a "savvy" investor. Hm...

some badges I'd like to give to my fitbit

First, let me say I DO LOVE my fitbit. I like to be encouraged and get badges and shit. But sometimes I feel a little annoyed when my fitbit tries to push me to do more than I have. Weirdly, it's like I'm letting my fitbit down. And it's not even a person. It's just a piece of plastic that gives some people rashes.

Anyway, I made these badges for my fitbit:

adventures in moving and mulch

While it might seem that I've been slacking off lately because I haven't updated my blog in a while, it's quite the opposite. I've sold all my stuff on ebay except for two items (only one doesn't have a bid). And I've also made my first bid ever (for a collection of great white shark teeth with a known provenance - sea world in the 80s of all places).

AND, I moved my treadmill desk to my house and redid my office:

treadmill desk, pre-glitter paint

office, before

I added a white board to the wall using that white board paint - it was messy to work with so it better fucking work or I'm going to be pissed - can't write on it until tomorrow

treadmill desk in my office!

desk is cooler now that it has glitter on it

it's a little tight but I can vacuum on both sides of the treadmill AND still have room for my shredder and printer

The other thing I did was re-mulch my lawn with that rubber mulch. Supposedly it keeps the bugs away, doesn't break down, and is better for the plants because it doesn't retain moisture and get moldy.

On the potentially negative side, I am a little worried my yard will smell like tires come this summer. Which is still better than my neighbor's yard, which smells like dog shit because they never clean up after their dogs.

50 bags of mulch and three trips to home depot...the last trip an employee named Pedro felt sorry for me and helped me pack this last load of mulch in my car - when I offered him money he looked surprised and said "no, it is my job to help you" - for the record I did it on the down low so he wouldn't get in trouble for taking it - Pedro is a good guy

the mulch mobile...

I guess this picture would have been more interesting if I had taken a before shot so you could see how crap the yard was looking

adventures in craigslisting

My colleague is still in search of work, and I often use emails to him to procrastinate putting shit on craigslist because I find it boring. Our email exchange (he tends to comment in my emails rather than respond in his own email):

Me: Okay, gotta get back to the task at hand which is putting some of my stuff on ebay. I am the worst at writing item descriptions. I start out with some random, rambling story to get people's attention but then fail to put in useful information like sizes or measurements.

 

> So you're probably the source for some of the famous Craig's List ads then?
 

I just sold my versa climber on craigslist today. Sorry to see it go but I can't do it with my knee anymore. I was worried the guy who came to look at it would be a serial murderer but he was just an overweight programmer looking for exercise equipment. He almost fell off the versa climber while trying it out which was a bit nerve racking as I'm not sure my home owner's insurance would cover that. Was hoping my dear machine would go to a better home.

> A better one missed, but at least its a "needy" one...

 

Oh well. He paid me in part with a $50 bill and I realized I've never in my life been in possession of a bill that was over $20. I had to look at it closely because I've never seen one before.

>  Just had a $100 the other day - a shower gift...  It is strange.

a lost title results in spring cleaning

The other day I was on a boring conference call and decided to clean out my filing cabinet, which is right next to my desk. In the process of doing that I realized I have no idea where the title to my car is.

Two years ago I decided to clean out a bunch of paperwork I had for my consulting gigs and moved a bunch of files I don't need to access very much into a cabinet above the closet in my guest room. I figured the title would be in there so today decided to search for it.

I did not find the title but did find a bunch of papers I don't need anymore. It all started out so innocently, throwing away old expense reports. Then I started throwing away my training materials, old pictures, and software CDs (bye bye XP!).

Then I decided to get rid of my music CDs and photo printer. Then I decided to clean out the cabinets over the closet in my room. The hour I estimated for my title search turned into an all day thing.

Anyway, someone who shops at goodwill is going to be psyched because among other things I donated 4 coach bags and 4 coach wallets there today. Just couldn't be bothered to put them on eBay. And, btw, what is up with the crazy people on Denver's craigslist? I sold a few things there and would get emails at 10 o'clock at night from guys asking if they could stop by around 11:30 that evening to look at my versa climber, sleeping bag, etc.

As. If.

Maybe I shouldn't clean when I'm depressed but I am a big proponent of getting rid of things that I've forgotten I have. And it turns out it's pretty easy to get a duplicate title in Colorado. All you have to do is mail in a form and $8.20. They send the new title to you, eventually.

Tomorrow I'm going to paint my treadmill desk with some glitter paint. Should look cool, or horrible.

nothing says "thank you" like a drink of death

I have a neighbor that I do jobs for, like fixing plumbing stuff and working on her swamp cooler. I got an email from her on Friday. The wind storms we had last week caused part of her fence to collapse and she wondered if I might be able to fix it.

fence was all fucked up

 Even though I don't know anything about fences I told her I would give it the old college try. I managed to get it put back together with a few brackets and stuff. It's not perfect but she's going to have the whole top part of the fence replaced this summer.

at least it's sort of back together now

She offered me money for fixing it, which made me feel really embarrassed and of course I didn't take it. So she said she was going to make me a nutri bullet drink. I had no idea what that was but it sounded interesting so I was like "cool!" She brought it over to my house as I was putting my tools away. I took a cautious, tiny sip to be polite and immediately my tongue started swelling. I asked what was in the drink.

"Pear, avocado, almonds, honey, and milk (plus some other stuff)." How nice, I thought, about the only food I have a severe allergy to that wasn't in the drink is shellfish.

I went inside and took 2 benedryl which is making me feel super hyper. I did not say anything to my neighbor about my allergies.

FH texted me:  

Nothing says thank you like a poison drink. Is she from ancient Rome?

Hahaha!

while cheering up a colleague I make a startling discovery about Mr. Potato Head

I have a colleague who was recently laid off. We have stayed in touch trying to keep each other's spirits up. He sent me this link to David Thorne's blog:

I don't have an excuse to ever be in a bad mood again.  Just have to read another of David's posts...

This one provided today's laughs - pure genius.  Know you will appreciate this... http://www.27bslash6.com/function4sports.html

In response I wrote:

Thanks for sharing! I wonder how famous David Thorne is. Seems like he would be a fun guy to have a drink with.

In other news, I am still making inquiries about that job post you forwarded but no one seems to know a thing. My assumption, based on something I heard in a meeting, is that it might be for X. And it wouldn't surprise me if he put the posting out and then totally forgot so when I asked him he had no knowledge of it. He seems like a good enough guy but boy is he scatter brained. And full of really stupid ideas. And, unfortunately, something about him reminds me of Mr. Potato Head so every time I see or talk to him that jingle about Mr. Potato Head plays in my head and makes his ideas sound even more stupid.

Oh shit. I just looked up the Mr. Potato Head jingle on youtube and realized that the song in my head must be one I made up because it's different. I wonder if there were regionally tailored Mr. Potato Head songs? Or did my brain really conjure up that jingle, which is horrible?

Self doubt sets in. I guess that's what I get for making fun of X.
 
...and since I'm an aspie I just did a search on the words of the jingle and realized that it's the jingle for Strawberry Short Cake but in my mind it's about Mr. Potato Head.
 
Possibly that false memory was caused by a severe concussion I suffered falling off the roof onto my head when I was 7...

Which reminds me, I did my medical assessment thing today in the hopes I might get the promised $150 for completing it. I lied and said I only drank 2 glasses of wine a night and they said I drink too much. Ha. My DOCTOR is the one who told me to drink at least 2 glasses of wine a day and that was when I was on chemo. Also, it said I need to sign up for a weight management plan. At first I was insulted but then realized the stupid computer thinks I'm underweight. I have very small bones so I weigh less than other people and the medical assessment can fuck off about that - even my head is abnormally small. I figure I'll lie on the next survey and say I quit drinking and gained 5 pounds and then be like "so send me my money bitches!"

In unrelated news I took an hour break from work today and went to home depot and procured Martha Stewart green glitter paint for my treadmill desk. Will send you a pic when I get it painted. It's sort of a calming green but like a calming green after a nuclear holocaust.

I've been typing this while sitting in on a meeting with B and K on coordinating a bunch of acronymic groups with our practice. Having failed to ask at the beginning of the call what the acronyms stand for I was immediately bored and decided to check in with you. I think I got an assignment but I'm not sure because I was listening to the Mr. Potato Head jingle trying to reform that memory. Now I have a slight head ache and would really like a glass of wine.

Well, you've just wasted precious moments of your life reading the above, and I apologize. Hope things are going well and that you're getting some promising leads on the job front. Keep me posted and I'll continue looking around.

mazel tov and happy monday!

can't catch a ball or a bird

Yesterday FH saw a cat on the sidewalk trying to catch a bird that had a broken wing. The bird ran into the street and the cat didn't follow. A car came and the bird ran back to the sidewalk. The cat resumed the chase. The bird figured out as long as it stayed in the street the cat wouldn't come after it.

Today, while trying to play fetch with Mr. Nuts, I realized the wounded bird was in FH's back yard because Mr. Nuts went...nuts...barking and chasing it. Of course, he didn't really know what to do once he got close enough to catch it.

The bird ran under the boat and I brought Mr. Nuts inside. Hopefully the bird is clever enough to move to someone else's yard...

fetch

Have I spent my whole life fooling myself that all dogs like to play fetch?

Since I'm walking on my tread mill all day, and then walking to dinner, FH suggested I not take Mr. Nuts for a walk because that's excessive. So I thought it might be fun to play a game of fetch with Mr. Nuts in the back yard so he can get some exercise.

Silly me.

it's not halloween so why is my zombie knee dressed like Mr. Potato Head???

Guess the hut trip took its toll on my knee (maybe didn't help that when I got home Monday morning I walked an additional 8 miles on my treadmill - honestly, I thought it would make my hip flexors feel better). It looks like Mr. Potato Head.

are you fucking kidding me? like my right knee is competing with my left knee trying to be twice as big - what an asshole

Luckily I have my TENS and running my program for an hour greatly decreased the swelling. I love this thing and probably would not be able to walk if I didn't use it every day. Fuck medical marijuana or pain killers. TENS works and involves no drugs.

he's just jealous that chihuahuas can't use TENS

But, of more interest, here are some pics my dad sent me of Balboa Island. He's in Cali for a meeting (and of course they had an earth quake).

fitbit, my new bad influence

This is why I over train...

no, I can't make it to 200 because my hip flexors are about to explode

only a 1,000 more floors? how about you fuck off for a little bit and I'll send you a badge?

bonking to the jackal hut (pics at the bottom of the story)

This weekend FH and I did a back country ski trip up to the Jackal Hut. He has a friend who was invited to go but couldn't make it, so on Tuesday we decided to take his spots.

FH did some research and determined it was a 4 1/2 mile ski in. Looking at the topo it was obvious that it was a steep climb to the hut but we both assumed there would be a lot of switch backs since the trail up follows a road.

We got to the parking lot before most of the other people going to the hut (it was a group of 12 friends and us). Since the group was composed mostly of 25 year old guys we decided to head up to the hut while they waited for a few stragglers because, as FH said "we're old and slow".

The first mile or so of the route crosses a fairly flat plain, with no challenges except for having to go down a hill, cross a creek, and get up the other side without falling into the drink. I managed that with no mishaps and FH said "well, that's the hardest thing we're going to do today".

As we started up the mountain FH was still joking about how we'd be at the hut in 2 hours and then I would say "when are we going to do some skiing?" It turns out, the approach to the hut was a grueling 5.67 miles, not 4 1/2. And there were no switchbacks. It was just straight up. And up. And more up.

The group of 12 finally caught up with us, and then passed us. I realized that not eating breakfast and not tapering off on the distance I've been doing every day on my tread mill was a huge mistake. Also, I was wearing a 25 lb backpack (I weigh 115 lbs, so it doesn't seem like much just reading the weight, but to me it was a a lot of weight). I realized that my clumsy skiing got even worse with the backpack. The sun would come out and make us hot and two seconds later the snow would be blowing so hard that we couldn't see more than a few feet ahead.

We finally caught up with the group, who had stopped for a snack. I was exhausted. When one of the guys said "well, we're about half way there" I thought he was joking. I threw the pack down on the ground and sat on it, crushing 3 of the 6 little creamer packs FH had packed in our food bag. I felt them breaking but to be honest didn't care.

The trail went on and on, to the point where I was ready to just throw the pack on the ground, crawl into my sleeping bag, and wait to die. I have only once in my life ever felt the effects of altitude but I realized that was what was happening to me, on top of bonking, and having two inflamed hip flexors from walking too much on my tread mill (I thought, initially, that the skiing would make them feel better - WRONG).

After hours of just struggling to move forward we went around a bend and...there was the hut! Finally! And wouldn't you know it, we had to go up one last hill to get to it. I was like "FUCK YOU HILLS!"

I got to the porch, sat on a bench, contemplated puking, and then remembered we had beers and rallied enough to walk into the hut.

It ended up being a great weekend, and we beat the group record back to the car (they said 2 hours, it took us one). The ski down was epic because the snow had consolidated in the warm weather Sunday and iced over. I felt like one of those luge sleds in the olympics. Surprisingly, I only hit one tree.

Some pictures:

Jackal Hut - it's awesome!!!

View from the porch, including the hill you have to ski up, at sunset

Survived a short ski Sunday - my blisters from Jackson are back

the fun hog, and me, in the back, probably trying to figure out how to get my mitten through the strap on my ski pole

following tracks and trying to protect my blisters

you can see 6 fourteeners from the Jackal Hut

cit-e coyote

If you ever wondered how to get a hyper active chihuahua to behave on a walk, I'd suggested taking the dog to an urban city park in Denver around lunch time.

yes, that is a HUGE coyote, running around in a field at a city rec / park center

I'm not sure what, exactly, the coyote was doing in the city (great food, but they don't have money to pay for it so that can't be it). Perhaps it's all the construction that's going on around the city. The coyote was carrying something in its mouth which I hope was food foraged from the trash but which might have been a cat.

It was interesting to see Mr. Nuts, who thinks he's in charge where ever he goes, suddenly hunker down and walk as quickly as possible away from where the coyote was, like "nothing to see here, no, I'm not a chihuahua, I'm just a very small hairy person, looking to get away from you before you notice me". At 10 pounds Mr. Nuts would barely make a snack for a coyote but I don't think animals are that rational.

high altitude soda bread

Making my own bread has always appealed to me, mostly because people always told me making bread is "so easy". Since moving to Colorado and taking a stab at making bread I've been pretty unsuccessful, ending up with loaves that were burned on the outside and undercooked on the inside. I know this is because baking at altitude requires adjustments, but never knew what those adjustments were.

So after the ton cake I made, FH suggested, if I wanted to keep trying to bake, to make something he might want to eat, namely soda bread. Thinking of breads past, I was a little worried to try it, so decided to make it Friday night while he was out with a friend visiting from New Hampshire. I did a search and found this high altitude cooking blog with a recipe and went to the grocery to get the ingredients. That proved to be interesting because it was snowing and most of the homeless people in my neighborhood were wandering the aisles. Also, it took me 10 minutes to find the butter milk because I was looking in the butter aisle until redirected to the milk aisle by one of the aforementioned homeless people. And I was interrogated by the manager on check out because I had purchased 4 boxes of baking soda and salt for my neti pot and that set off some alarm that I might actually be cooking meth (FH said "well you do fit the profile, skinny and too much energy").

In any case, I got home and got started.

all the ingredients...wait...something's missing - oh yeah, need a glass of wine

the recipe said to mix the ingredients with a paddle attachment - I had no idea what that meant so just used the attachment I had, a kind of whisk looking thing

...which proved to not work so well as the batter formed a column up the whisk thing and then stopped turning

I finally turned the dough out to knead it and, as per the directions, it was unwieldy and sticky - I flopped it around in the flour for a few minutes and figured "fuck it, it must be done"

I was supposed to put an X on the top of the bread, which was not as easy as one might think, in fact, it looked less like an X and more like the distorted signatures you create on those store pads where you have to sign your name with your finger...the weird stuff on top is sugar and buttermilk, and yes, I was supposed to do that

the recipe said to tap the bread and if it sounded hollow it was done - I was not sure exactly what that meant so I tapped it, figured I had heard a hollow sound, and pulled it out

At this point panic ensued because the instructions ended with "pull it out of the oven". Nothing about how long to cool it, whether to take it out of the bread thingy, etc. So I sent a text to my friend Camile who said to let it cool an hour and then take it out of the tin. She also said the picture made the bread look yummy and that if it sucked just to put butter on it because butter can make anything taste good.

the bread cooked through! and was edible!

I ended up eating the end piece off the bread after it cooled to check that it cooked through and that it was not disgusting. It tasted good except I thought it was a bit floury. Turns out soda bread is supposed to taste like that. I brought it over to FH's house and he and his friend both ate a piece. They suffered no ill effects that I know of.

things I should be able to write off on taxes

Since other special interest groups get some crazy tax write offs (writing off purchased desserts as "research and development") I thought maybe I, a special interest group of one, should get some tax write offs too.

• Shoes I bought last year - I needed them for work, or at least the three times I went into my office. Otherwise I work from home and wear socks but in the interest of not being greedy I just want the shoe write off. Besides, have you seen the latest designs for the Adidas Sequence running shoe? Awful. They should be deductible.
• Beggin strips - Chihuahuas are kind of like a charity group since they are always unemployed. And if you give a chihuahua a beggin strip he will usually stop being a public menace for at least the 5 seconds it takes to eat the beggin strip.
• Ski equipment - I think about work and solving world hunger and shit while I'm skiing. So that should be an office or charity expense.
• Wine - I think about those things when I'm drinking as well. Or this could be a medical expense.
• Cleaning products - It's like research and development for house cleaning since I finally fired my maids for breaking shit. And mops are getting expensive these days. Yeah, maybe I do have an excessive number of mops (5) but each has a special functionality that I identified as part of my research and so I need them all.
• Any anyway it's not like I get any recognition for my mopping abilities so I should get a tax write off. 
• Pizzas I've ordered - Obviously an office expense.
• Groceries - Since I can't cook and every meal I've made with the aforementioned groceries is inedible I should get to write them off as "research and development".
• Soda stream - Making my own sodas is reducing waste on the planet, keeps me from having to go to the grocery store to buy cokes, and it doesn't require electricity, so it's like an "energy efficient" thing that I should get a deduction for.
• Not procreating - How come having a kid gives you a tax write off? Kids cost a lot of money and use up tax revenue for their schools and stuff. I should get money back for not having any kids.
• Dinners with people I don't like - Sometimes you invite a couple W and X to dinner, and they invite their friends Y and Z who are obnoxious assholes that like to air their marital discord in public. Or sometimes you talk to people at a party and they seem cool and then you invite them to dinner and realize that they are actually semi brain dead and unable to converse on topics that require more than 5 working brain cells. That is definitely a work dinner.

a pre-screening of Mr. Nuts' avant garde short film - "pretend it's bacon"

a film critic's reaction to the Oscars

NOTE: the author of this post did not watch the Oscars, has not seen any of the movies nominated, and is channeling a chihuahua.

A review of the Oscar winning films by Mr. Nuts.

film critic, lamb lover, and chihuahua

Dallas Buyer's Club: "I would have thought this movie worthy of an Oscar if it was about buying bacon. Otherwise I'm not sure why anyone would want to see this film."

Twelve Years a Slave: "I was hoping to see more cat chases by chihuahuas. And then after the chihuahuas catch the cats, they also catch some squirrels. And then they are fed steak and bacon. For those reasons I found the movie not very believable or reflective of real life and didn't really enjoy it so was shocked it won an Oscar."

Blue Jasmine: "Were those ladies carrying bacon around in their purses? If so, I liked it. If not, I didn't like it."

Frozen: "This movie made me sad because it made me think of frozen bacon, which is difficult (but not impossible) to eat."

Gravity: "Why would anyone want to go into outer space? There's no bacon."

20 Feet from Stardom: "I think this movie would have won more awards if it had been about being 20 feet from bacon."

...and the rumors are true! Mr. Nuts was asked to host next year's Oscars. Unfortunately, he won't be able to because he'll be busy eating bacon.

a rogue bassonist at the symphony

On friday night FH and I went to see There Will Be Beethoven at the Colorado Symphony. Granted, we haven't had the best of luck attending events there (I went to see swan lake there a few years ago and a woman sitting at the end of my row puked all over the place - yes, she was drunk - and when we went to the opera we had technical difficulties). But FH is a big fan of radiohead so we decided to take our chances.

The first part of the symphony was a replay of the score from There Will Be Blood. It's very dramatic and the conductor had the musicians pause for what felt like, to me, an excruciating amount of time between movements. We were seated between two elderly couples, which was fine, except that I was a little nervous about the drama of the music and the fact that, as we were entering the building, an ambulance was taking an elderly guy out who had apparently had a heart attack.

In any case, the second movement had just finished with a huge drum roll crash bang and the resonance of the music was hanging in the air when I heard a loud "BRUMP!" I turned to FH to ask what instrument had made the noise (I don't know that much about music) and realized, by his expression, that it was fart.

Now I admit to laughing at farts. The problem was there was dead silence in the room and I didn't want to make a scene. But not being able to laugh just makes me laugh harder. I managed to stifle my laugh for about a second and then made a noise that probably sounded like I was choking on my own tongue. Luckily the music started again and I buried my face in FH's arm. Just as I got my (silent) laughter under control the man sitting next to me burped and his wife, sitting next to him, let out three more farts. Just when I thought it couldn't get any funnier she pulled out a bottle of beano and took a few, with water.

By intermission I had stopped (silently) laughing but suggested to FH that we move to an empty row behind us. I couldn't sit next to that couple any longer because their digestive issues were distracting. As the first movement of the Beethoven symphony started I settled back to enjoy the music.

...and would have been fine EXCEPT that, at the end of the second movement, FH looked over at the farting woman, and put his fist in the air and pumped it, like we used to do as kids to get truck drivers to honk their horns at us. I'd never seen anyone use the hand signal for "let it rip" at the symphony before so that made me (silently) laugh all over again. I pinched FH on the arm pretty hard, and he didn't do anything else the rest of the symphony.

It was a nice evening all things considered, and the symphony was surprisingly not crowded, which ended up being a good thing because if I hadn't been able to switch seats I don't know what would have happened. On the walk home I laughed the entire time and FH lamented the number of cheap mexican restaurants around the Denver Performing Arts complex.