lemon oatmeal bars and no bake oatmeal cookies - more disasters from my kitchen

My neighbor Carol sent me a recipe for oatmeal lemon bars to help me with my cooking skills. I decided to make them last night, as well as some no bake oatmeal cookies (I like oatmeal) that are supposedly so easy to make that they're on a web site for 6 year olds who want to cook.

I gathered all the ingredients...

...and realized I was looking at the wrong recipe. Different ingredients.

The lemon bars were supposed to go in an 8 x 12 inch dish. I used a 9 x 13 because that's what I have. And it said to butter the dish before putting the bars in it. I had doubts whether just butter was okay with a glass dish, or whether I should add flour, and whether the recipe writer assumed I'd be using a non-stick dish...in any case, I decided fuck it, I'll just butter the dish. My hand mixer looks like it's dying of exhaustion because it took almost 7 minutes to mix the butter to the point where it was squishy.

Lemon bars, assembled. I had to cook them for 4 extra minutes, not sure if that was because of the glass, using a different pan, or just a general fuck up on my part. The recipe said to cut them after I took them out of the oven but then to let them chill in the pan before removing them. I wasn't sure if that meant to put them in the refrigerator or if it was more like a Jay Z chillin thing. I put them in the refrigerator. When I took them out of the pan the bottom of the lemon bars were stuck to the pan but I figured out how to get them unstuck by using a knife and a spatula. Overall, they are good, but think a denser bar would be better. Should have waited until I had the right pan.

To make the no bake oatmeal cookies the recipe called for a cookie sheet, which I don't have, and parchment paper, which I don't have either. Wasn't parchment paper replaced in the middle ages? I used the top of a tupperware container and some wax paper.

So, the first step in the no bake recipe was to bake something. Odd. I had to melt butter and milk together. I used powdered milk and guessed what the powder to water ratio should be. To be honest I just threw a tablespoon (since one was already on the counter) in with some water and decided that was good enough.

It said to bring the milk and butter to a rolling boil. Not sure what that meant but once the milk and butter puffed up I assumed it was rolling.

The milk and butter mixed in with the other crap. And the recipe said to work quickly forming the mix into balls and dropping it on the parchment paper. Well, it was really fucking hot and hard to work with. Like trying to make balls out of boiling tar. Maybe they assumed that little kids cook so slow that if they didn't say hurry up the kids would take hours playing with the batter (or what ever you call the above mess) and not end up making any cookies.

I switched to this 8 x 8 metal pan because the tupperware lid wasn't working out very well. And at this point I realized I left out the 2 cups of sugar the recipe called for. I was like fuck it, I'm not going to try to add it in now.

Who pooped in my pan????

Completed food. Actually, both are pretty tasty. And now I don't need to cook for at least a month because that's how long it will take me to eat all this...