things I should be able to write off on taxes

Since other special interest groups get some crazy tax write offs (writing off purchased desserts as "research and development") I thought maybe I, a special interest group of one, should get some tax write offs too.

• Shoes I bought last year - I needed them for work, or at least the three times I went into my office. Otherwise I work from home and wear socks but in the interest of not being greedy I just want the shoe write off. Besides, have you seen the latest designs for the Adidas Sequence running shoe? Awful. They should be deductible.
• Beggin strips - Chihuahuas are kind of like a charity group since they are always unemployed. And if you give a chihuahua a beggin strip he will usually stop being a public menace for at least the 5 seconds it takes to eat the beggin strip.
• Ski equipment - I think about work and solving world hunger and shit while I'm skiing. So that should be an office or charity expense.
• Wine - I think about those things when I'm drinking as well. Or this could be a medical expense.
• Cleaning products - It's like research and development for house cleaning since I finally fired my maids for breaking shit. And mops are getting expensive these days. Yeah, maybe I do have an excessive number of mops (5) but each has a special functionality that I identified as part of my research and so I need them all.
• Any anyway it's not like I get any recognition for my mopping abilities so I should get a tax write off. 
• Pizzas I've ordered - Obviously an office expense.
• Groceries - Since I can't cook and every meal I've made with the aforementioned groceries is inedible I should get to write them off as "research and development".
• Soda stream - Making my own sodas is reducing waste on the planet, keeps me from having to go to the grocery store to buy cokes, and it doesn't require electricity, so it's like an "energy efficient" thing that I should get a deduction for.
• Not procreating - How come having a kid gives you a tax write off? Kids cost a lot of money and use up tax revenue for their schools and stuff. I should get money back for not having any kids.
• Dinners with people I don't like - Sometimes you invite a couple W and X to dinner, and they invite their friends Y and Z who are obnoxious assholes that like to air their marital discord in public. Or sometimes you talk to people at a party and they seem cool and then you invite them to dinner and realize that they are actually semi brain dead and unable to converse on topics that require more than 5 working brain cells. That is definitely a work dinner.