not so saddle sore

On Saturday morning I left my house at 9 am to ride to FH's house so we could go for a training ride. I had low expectations for the day. It was foggy and wet and so cold I wore my skiing fleece.

Things seemed even less auspicious when I realized I had forgotten to wear my helmet and bring my rain jacket. 2 miles into the ride I was taking a ramp onto the cherry creek trail when a rather large man walking up the ramp looked at me and started making pig noises while fondling his genitals. This continued as I exited the ramp onto the trail. I would have stopped to tell him to fuck off but it occurred to me it might be a sign that only crazy people would be out on the bike trail in such crap weather.

FH and I decided to do 40 miles (he ended up doing 38 miles and I did 48). Mr. Nuts kept anxiously jumping into the Ural side car perhaps hoping we would take him with us. He seemed pissed as we rode away from the house and he stood on the kitchen table watching us through the window.

The ride was nice, the weather cleared as soon as we started and I'm surprised how much work has been done on the bike trails since I last rode them. There could not have been a more perfect day for a ride. Both of us feel that we'll be okay on the ride as long as our asses get into condition for sitting in the saddle for long stretches.

When we got back to FH's house we decided that I should ride home and change while FH picked up some pho for dinner. At the tail end of my ride, near a homeless shelter and at a red light, I encountered a homeless guy on a bike. He challenged me to a race. I was like "dude, I can't race anyone, I just rode 47 miles". He said "well, you'd probably still beat me because you have a nicer bike" and I said "just the thought of pedaling fast makes my ass hurt" and he laughed. I told him about training for pedal the plains as we rode down the block to the next light. There was a group of about 20 homeless people on the sidewalk so I made a half hearted attempt at pretending to race my homeless guy. The homeless group cheered us on.

When we got to the next light, to make sure the homeless guy on the bike didn't follow me, I said "I have to go home now". He said "thank you for having a normal conversation with me" and rode off.

On Sunday I got an industrial sized seat for my bike and hurriedly installed it because I was supposed to ride 40 miles and it was already 2 o'clock (long brunch with my friend Cam, have to admit honestly I could have stayed at the brunch all afternoon talking). I realized a block away from the house I had not adjusted the seat right but kept riding because it looked like a storm was moving in. I got the seat fixed when I got home but can't ride today because of storms.

Oh, and a quick note here. I tried clipless pedals in 2003 for the first time and damn near killed myself. It was almost impossible to get my shoes clipped in, and when I did finally get them in they wouldn't come out (e.g. I fell down a 10 foot ravine and when a boulder stopped my downward progress, my shoes were still clipped into the pedals). Over the years I've had many bike friends (some of whom were competitive bikers) counsel me on clipless pedals but I could never get the hang of them.

FH installed some clipless pedals on my bike and adjusted them so that all I have to do is put my foot on the pedal and my shoes clip in. I still have to twist my foot a little to unclip but it just makes me wonder, and I won't list the 3 bike shops here, or my bike friends, WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T ANYONE EVER TELL ME THAT I COULD ADJUST CLIPLESS PEDALS SO THAT THEY ARE SO EASY TO USE???????????????????

Okay, I'm over being mad. And huge thanks to FH for fixing up my pedals and making me feel like a less clumsy jew and less dorky bike rider (never going back to baskets).

Oh, wait a minute...I have a huge horrible seat on my bike now...oh well, guess I'll never be a cool biker...

needed: a fat ass

FH had been talking to me about doing the pedal the plains bike ride for a few weeks and all I seemed to register from the conversation was the word "easy". Last thursday (I think? or wednesday?) he said we needed to sign up so we signed up. I should mention at this point that although I ride my cruiser around town a lot I haven't been on a "real" ride since last November (not making excuses but I've been working a lot this summer and was not allowed to ride after my surgery).

I was reading through the logistics for the ride and discovered that, although friday is an easy ride (about 34 miles) saturday and sunday are long rides (72 and 67 miles). When I first looked at the web site I was in a work meeting and only bothered to check out the friday mileage. The furthest I've ever ridden a bike in one go is 65 miles. So that should be interesting.

Anyway, the weather was not very cooperative until Saturday morning when I donned my usual riding outfit and set off for a 20 mile bike re-acquaintance ride. First mistake - although I own bike pants I never wear them because they look hideous, so I just wore my lululemon yoga pants. When I was riding a lot they were fine. But because I've been out of the saddle for a while, they weren't. I ended up with a seriously chafed ass. I was practically crying by the time I finished my ride.

Sunday I could hardly sit down so I didn't ride. Monday I did another ride and this time wore two pairs of bike pants with my yoga pants over them. Since I have a non-existent ass I looked like I had stuffed an accordion down the back of my pants. I'm sure the people riding behind me were making fun of me. suggested I "gain 2 pounds of pure fat" on my ass by 19 September. Um. I don't think that will happen.

I'm also getting worried about the ride. I'm the type of person who trains for everything months in advance. I'm sure I'll be fine but I psyche myself out when I feel I don't have a ridiculously long time to train for things. Also, I'm pissed that for 20 miles on the bike I only get 7500 steps on my fitbit.

And, this just in...my dad sent me a text that he was thinking to buy me some "lady fair anti chafing cream" described as "Provides all-day comfort and helps prevent chafing, sweat rashes and irritation around the bust, buttocks, between legs and other private areas."

I'd rather be in pain than use lady fair anti chafing cream.

"hat" mail

It's just been one of those weeks this week...

On Wednesday I was walking on my treadmill when I noticed a large group of people sitting on my front step. I didn't think much of it until I went to get the mail and noticed they were still there, 4 hours later (approximately 5 PM). I didn't say anything to them, just got my mail.

I heard something put through my mail slot around 530. It turned out to be two flowers and what my neighbors all called "hate mail".

not sure what this says, my best guess is "I hate you, I'm your boyfriend" or "I hate you and your boyfriend"(????) or "I hate you I'm your brother" - no idea - though, interesting to deliver bad news that you hate someone with flowers

As I was retrieving this letter I asked the people sitting right up against my safety door if I could help them. The guy in the group made a phone call and a few minutes later a car came to pick them up.

what the fuck? and how did all these people fit in that little car?

I'm not sure what's going on but it isn't the first time this has happened. It's always a group that appears to be a family of some type, with an adult male and female and a bunch of kids. Not sure what to do. I don't want to be rude to them but I don't want them hanging out in front of my house. They left a bunch of trash which I had to pick up.

This on top of a series of abandoned vehicles that have been left in front of the end unit in the building, including a closed jeep. We kept calling to have it removed, but that took a month, and things were being piled into the jeep during the time it was parked in front (couldn't see what the stuff was because the windows were tinted).

One of my neighbors texted me thursday morning thanking me for giving him flowers. I was like "I didn't give you flowers" and sent him the above pic of the letter. He was like "haha, glad they hate you instead of me". Sigh. He also believes, for reasons not easy to fathom, that an abandoned vespa scooter in front of his house is being used by the cops to film people going in and out of the house across from his which has a lot of drug traffic, domestic violence incidents, and other fucked up stuff going on.

Don't ask me, I have no idea...

yard, 2005 - 2014

I'm still shocked every time someone compliments my back yard. I recently found these pics taken in August 2005 when I moved in:

back of the house, the wood deck was falling apart and the upper deck was too dangerous to go out on

close up of the back of the house - my dad bought me those flowers and then they died

my backyard - that crap concrete walkway was completely uneven and I didn't have a garage

In 2014:

built the garage in 2006 and then had the yard professionally landscaped in 2010

house was repainted, the upper deck replaced, the lower deck replaced with concrete and under decking installed

new furniture

And here's what my new furniture looks like. Special thanks to FH for driving us down to Salida and hauling the furniture home in his truck...

new table! it's made of buckeye burl - had no idea it was exotic wood...I love this table because it has cool holes in it like the countertop I wanted to get for my bathroom, but didn't

new cabinet in the kitchen!

Ken made this bowl for me - my dad always teases me that he spends so much money there but I'm the one who gets free stuff

new cabinet - it's custom made out of barn wood and then done with a crackle finish - Ken and his wife said they were glad it was going to a good home - so far I've put my cook books and apron in it - nicer to hide them away rather than looking at them and feeling guilty for not cooking...

And here's the table my dad and I bought three years ago from Ken:

now all I have to do is learn to cook and throw a party...

Chihuly exhibit at the botanic gardens

My parents and I went to see the Chihuly exhibit at the BC last week. We saw it during the day and then went back to see it at night. They start lighting it up around 530. It was fantastic. Anyone within a 200 mile radius of Denver should come see it.

big wonderful and furniture

This past week was way too busy. My parents got into town on Sunday and I'm taking some vacation this week so last week I basically had to do two weeks of work and prep for the parental visit and I worked the big wonderful with Jessica and Edglas.

could it have been any fucking hotter? no. but, great spot for the tent set up.

Got home from BW kind of late on Saturday, finished cleaning, and then picked my parents up. They were shocked at all the work I've done in my house. Today I took the day off and we went to Salida to Spirit Mountain, where my dad and I bought my cool dining room table. I seriously wasn't going to buy anything today.

first, we had to take a pic of this weird art thing - FH later said "if you ever buy art that has anything to do with children, even alien children, I will worry."

then my parents and I went to the laughing lady - had this amazing curry zucchini soup with yogurt - and I had an omelet with goat cheese, spinach, and tomatoes

my dad got this work desk - even though I can't imagine all his stuff fitting on it - for his second office

I was looking for a cabinet for my kitchen to fill in the space where my versa climber used to be. And I found this...

custom made really cool cabinet - I'll have to take a pic when I get it home - it's custom made with a crackle finish that looks like a mix between copper and leather

and...um...this...

coolest. table. ever. my dad's leg, sitting at his new desk...the wine did not come with either piece of furniture.

Why do I go furniture shopping with my dad. That's like take Imeda Marcos shoe shopping.

But, in my defense, Spirit Mountain was closed today but Ken happened to be in because he's finishing a project so it was like fate wanted me to buy some furniture. And size wise both pieces of furniture fit perfectly where I want to put them. And they were on sale.

Other things that happened while buying furniture...Ken invited me to go with him to burning man and a guy who makes antler chandeliers spilled a beer on my feet (washing my flip flops for the third time because they are still sticky). I'm sure we'll get up to more nonsense before the week is over...

the biggest basket wins

I had a 9 am post op follow up appointment with my doctor today. Last week I ordered a nice bowl full of Patchi chocolates for his office because everyone there has been so nice to me. I was pretty careful when I picked it out to make sure it matched the architecture of the office (Patchi has some pretty tacky arrangements for chocolates - especially this time of year since it was just end of Ramadan / Eid).

Anyway, when I went in this morning the first thing my doctor did was high five me. Apparently the chocolates arrived yesterday and Patchi sent them in some ridiculous packaging that took about 5 minutes to open. By that time the whole office was standing around like "what the fuck is in that box?" When they realized it was chocolate chaos ensued. My doctor's colleague (the guy who sent me to my doctor, they share an office) is pretty competitive and always rubbing it in my doctor's face when he gets a basket or whatever because no one ever sends them to my doctor (he's 20 years younger and he said his colleague always gives him the "problem children", which I assume means me, and he doesn't get to spend much time with medical reps who usually send the baskets).

 Anyway, the arrangement Patchi put together was bigger than anything his colleague has ever gotten, and a lot nicer (according to my doctor's assistant), so all day yesterday my doctor was walking around the office saying "so, did you get any baskets today? because I got one" and "I win because I got the biggest basket". And he told me he got even more "basket cred" (his words) because it was from a patient and not from some "fucking medical rep" (also his words). As I was leaving my doctor was walking around the waiting area with the bowl the chocolates came in saying "hm, this fits in so well with the decor, I wonder where I should put it" while his colleague looked on from the front desk. He genuinely seemed a little pissed and didn't even say goodbye to me when I left.

HAHAHA!!!!

In other news he's really happy with my progress and said "just go back to doing everything you normally do because I know you're probably doing it anyway". And he congratulated me on how well the surgery went and I said "I just laid there. You did all the work."

Awkward silence.

Luckily I don't have to see him again for another month. So embarrassing.

slip and slide, the movie

FH sent me this movie that Captain Hook's girlfriend took of them going down the slip and slide.

Saturday - The Greatest Redneck Slip and Slide

First, I would like to thank the fucking asshole who stole my credit card number and bought a bunch of shit at Bed, Bath, and Beyond in california. I'm sure what ever you bought sucks. Luckily I have a great bank and they were able to take care of the problem without me having to do anything but answer a text message.

And that was the start of what proved to be an interesting weekend. Yesterday I had to get seeds so FH agreed to go with me to the nursery. Then we went to the farmer's market and he got a bunch of vegetables for cooking and I bought nectarines because you don't have to cook them to eat them.

When we were dropping the vegetables off at his house we decided, since it was the first day in a long time this summer that didn't look like rain, to go for a ride in his Ural side car. We took Mr. Nuts with us because he loves the side car.

luckily, dogs aren't allowed to get driver's licenses

Then we met some of FH's friends at an event in my neighborhood called the big wonderful which is describes as a "food flea market" but was like going to someone's huge backyard for a party. As things were winding down there we went to dada art bar and ended up in a restaurant in the same building but I'm not sure it was part of the dad art bar or not. As copious drinks were consumed, and I iced my jaw, Captain Hook, a friend of FH's, got a text from a friend of his named Kenny G that he had just been invited to a party in the middle of bum fuck nowhere and that there was a huge slip and slide at the party that should not be missed.

Some conversation ensued among 6 of us about going to the party. It was out past the airport. It was around 10 pm. The directions were along the lines of "take this road, and when you see a grain truck, turn on that road, and then drive until you can find a parking space". We didn't even know whose party it was.

So of course we decided to go. FH and I went back to my house, picked up some towels and Mr. Nuts, and then picked up Captain Hook and his girlfriend. Another couple followed us. And Captain Hook had invited more friends.

In any case, we found the party, and they were not lying about the slip and slide.

a golf cart with a dinosaur head on it took riders up to the top of the slip and slide because, in the words of one of the slip and slide builders, "that's too far to walk"

a guy at the bottom would turn on a hose to get the water flowing and another guy driving an ATV was at the bottom of the pool with a rope attached to the back of the ATV - the riders hold a tether and the ATV pulls them at speeds up to 45 MPH down the slip and slide and into the pool at the bottom

these baby carriages were for hauling beer around the party, and yes, those are deflated pool toys in the, um, pool at the bottom of the slip and slide

a broken boat was turned into a bar at the bottom of the pool - the dj was really good - the horse trough right behind the pool was a true redneck hot tub, they heated it up with fire

the guys preparing to haul riders down the slip and slide

I really wanted to go down the slip and slide but since I just had surgery on my jaw and since FH was there I decided not to. Captain Hook, FH, and Kenny G decided to go down together. Captain Hook, who's kind of spindly because he only eats gummi bears, decided to ride in front. Kenny G, who played football in college and is not a small man, decided to go last, naked. FH was sandwiched between the two of them.

As they came tearing down the slip and slide it seemed like they were having fun. The problem is Captain Hook didn't let go of the tether until they had almost hit the pool, meaning they were going VERY fast. I saw Captain Hook fly into the pool as a giant wave splashed towards the slip and slide. I saw Kenny G's bare ass as he face planted in the pool. I could not see FH at all.

Finally FH surfaced from the mud and water. He ended up getting crushed by Kenny G and was having problems walking this morning. They all said it was fun, but terrifying, and that they couldn't see anything as they were going down because of the muddy water on the slip and slide.

Around 1 am I was freezing (I know, 2 August, and it had to have been in the low 60s at most, colder in the wind) so FH, Captain Hook, his girlfriend, and I headed back to Denver.

And FH promised next year (they only have the slip and slide for one day, for the party) I could go down the slip and slide as long as I'm not recovering from surgery.

I decided to take it easy today, clean my car, and make stuffed peppers for dinner. Hopefully they will be edible.

maybe my doctor is a lot like me - weird coincidence

I made fun of my doctor about wanting to be me. And maybe he is more like me than I thought...

How's this for a weird coincidence? Ever since the first time I went to his office I felt like I had been there before. But I knew I hadn't, if for no other reason than his office is in Cherry Creek and I hate that place.

Then yesterday morning, as I was getting ready to leave for my appointment to get my stitches out (turns out, actually, they were staples) I realized where I had seen his office before.

When I hired my architect for my kitchen remodel she gave me a book of projects. It turns out one of the projects she did was my doctor's office. I don't know how my furry brain made the connection (still feeling really out of it from the antibiotics, maybe? or getting a dose of special k with a muscle relaxer and vicodin? drinking tons of water trying to get all of that shit out of my system).

Anyway, it was an interesting surprise.

I almost passed out from pain getting my stitches out but my jaw is starting to look more normal. Still no nerve pain. I have a big bump on the side of my right jaw which I'm guessing is where he put a screw but I'm not sure. He was surprised how little bruising I have and seemed more surprised when I told him I keep ice on my face pretty much the whole time I'm awake (can't take pain meds - it helps with the pain). I was also lectured for walking 8 miles on Wednesday, and when I pointed out that he said to do half my regular activity, which is walking 16 miles, he just sighed and walked out of the room.

I also violated the "no house work for 4 weeks" rule today. Seriously, who can go 4 weeks without cleaning the house? It took me 3 hours to clean because I haven't done a thorough cleaning in 1 1/2 weeks. Imagine after 4 weeks. It would be an entire weekend project.

I get to take tomorrow off as a sick day (hooray! had a call with my manager, and I can't talk very well, and he said "you sound like you're in so much pain, just take tomorrow off and get some rest"). I might go to the botanic gardens since I also was feeling well enough today to order more self watering planters for my patio. I also got a trellis for my raspberries, which have gone insane, and some tomato cages (not exactly sure how to use those but I thought it would be fun to tell people I have tomato cages).

And my neighbor is supposedly bringing me a piece of home made boston cream pie, which I've never had, because she feels sorry for me because my jaw is all fucked up. I looked up boston cream pie since I had no idea what it was, and it turns out it's actually a cake.

Another excuse for why I can't cook. Who calls a pie a cake?

thanks for that, Bob and Steve

I've been talking about doing the rim-rim-rim in the Grand Canyon since 2009. Depending on my surgery recovery I was thinking to do it in September or October. I want to do it non-stop, with no support, in under 24 hours (it's about 42 miles or longer depending on what trail is taken.

So my brother Steve sent me this: http://fivethirtyeight.com/datalab/dying-at-the-grand-canyon/

Advice taken.

And my other brother sent me this warning about dying of the bubonic plague:

I thought you might be interested in this article 3 more diagnosed with rare plague in Colorado.

Maybe that's why no one wants to visit me :)

my surgery update

Not that I'm out of my surgery induced haze...

An Army doctor who's specialty is treating jaw trauma in vets came to my surgery and donated his time to help. He heard about me through a non-profit I work with for wounded vets (Paradox Sports). They had to cut the front of my chin which is going to look a little funky. The surgeons were all making fun of me because I literally read my book until they put me to sleep. The Army doctor said "After I'm done you might look like you showed up at a knife fight with a book as your weapon" He also said, after just talking to me for two minutes "you're the kind of person who would read that book* at the airport to freak people out." He also was kind enough to donate some prosthetic material that would fit my face (my face is too small to use the regular stuff. And he said my pink hair made me his favorite patient.

Anyway, I could care less about the scars because the pain in my jaw is finally GONE. Even through it hurts still it hurts in a different way. Turns out I had two pinched nerves, one in front of my face and one on the left side (I kept thinking it was my right side, guess I don't know my right from my left - it's the right side in the mirror).

white tape is where the front scar will be - I have another scar under my chin too

 FH drove me to the surgery and was kind enough to donate his zero gravity lawn chair (which he fixed up with a comforter) since I can't sleep laying down for at least 6 weeks. The chair was comfortable and I slept really well. 

we called it the crip-o-lounger

I just went to my first post op appointment. The doc did not wire my jaw shut and I'm on the honor system to not eat solid food. Which, to be honest, is not that hard of a promise to keep since I can't really open my mouth.

In any case, I plan to be back to work by Tuesday if everything goes well. My biggest issue at the moment is having to talk with a bandage around my head and my eye sight (the anti-biotic they gave me dilates my pupils so words are really blurry). Hoping that side effect will ease up after I've taken it a few days.

So, off to a weekend of Naked Juice and blendered vegetable soup. Tried to blend up some arugula for breakfast this morning but it just made a mess so I'll stick to the store bought juices...

*book is called The Skies Belong To Us and it's a history of hijackings from the early 60s and how airport security evolved. very interesting. did you know hijacking a plane wasn't even illegal until 1970? and most of the hijackers were teenage boys...

an experience with amber

I was sitting on my couch last night (walked for 8 hours yesterday, exhausting!) watching the red riding trilogy (pick up something new every time) when I heard this horrible noise that sounded like those weather alerts you hear on the radio (boop beep beep screeeee scrEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE). I was like where the fuck is that coming from? Then my blackberry lit up and started vibrating.

Of course my first thought was did one of my brothers hack my phone to fuck with me???? Then I realized it was an amber alert. Soon after my phone stopped making that horrible noise I received a text and then an email with the amber alert information. It was not very clear from an informational perspective (something about amber alert, Oklahoma, what I think was a license plate number, and then the rest was just gibberish). I tried to save it but it automatically deleted off my phone.

Minutes after receiving the text / email helicopters started circling my neighborhood and that went on for about an hour.

This is what the amber alert was about. Maybe the alerts we receive in Colorado aren't as good as those in Oklahoma, or maybe mine got garbled somehow. This was a comment on the linked story:

Amber Alert Indeed! Yesterday morning driving on an Oklahoma freeway, the Amber Alert signs lit up. Then last evening around 8:30 pm my cell phone started beeping like a tornado was enroute. What popped up was a very specific Amber Alert for this baby, with the license number and specific description of the car.


Another commenter on the story said the kidnapped kid was found...

my crazy neighbor steals my toothbrush

Last week I ordered a new electric toothbrush because my TMJ is causing some problems with my teeth and my dentist suggested I get a better electric toothbrush (I constantly grind my back teeth which is bad).

I was expecting my new toothbrush yesterday, and was probably more excited than a normal person would be about its arrival. It has settings so it's gentler than my existing electric toothbrush. It doesn't have the smiley face feature where a little smiley face displays when I've brushed my teeth for over two minutes (I know it;s strange, but I normally brush my teeth for at least four minutes) but it does have what the toothbrush maker calls a "sector alarm" to alert the brusher when she's brushed one area long enough.

Anyway, I was in a meeting, walking on my treadmill (14 miles today), looking out the window when I saw my crazy neighbor walk up to my door. Then I saw him walk away with an amazon package which I knew was my toothbrush. I was like WHAT THE FUCK, THAT'S MY TOOTHBRUSH!!!!!!!!! Before I could text him he texted me "I saw a package in your security door and brought it to my house. Let me know when you're home". I was like "I am home now." I wanted to say "BRING ME MY FUCKING TOOTHBRUSH POST HASTE OR I WILL RIP YOUR BALLS OFF!!!!!!!" but I was trying to be polite.

A few minutes later he rang my door bell. The package had been partially opened. But the toothbrush was all sealed up so I was willing to let it slide. I was like "why did you take my package out of the door?" and he said "I just assumed you weren't home" (funny, because I've had packages too big to fit in the security door sit in the snow and rain for days without any of my neighbors taking them in - and this package was in the door - and I'm always home these days).

Then he said "oh, while I'm here, can I see your crawl space redo?" So I showed it to him. He said "how much would you charge me to do mine?" and I said "a million dollars" and he said "all kidding aside" and I said "I'm not kidding".

So, I wonder...did he steal my toothbrush in an attempt to get me to redo his crawl space?

And people say I'm weird...

my doctor thinks he's me

I had an early appointment with my doctor today to take final measurements for my new jaw parts. When he first walked into the exam room he said "good morning, how are you?" and I said "good!" Then he walked over to the exam chair and said "how are you?" again. I was like "You just asked me that!" and he said "you didn't answer" and I realized he hadn't heard me. But he thought it was really funny to ask me, every 5 seconds, how I was until I finally yelled "GOOD!"

I now realize why people get so annoyed when I do that to them.

Then he told me that I would be proud of him because he ran to his pilates class, did pilates, and then ran to his office. I was feeding him shit during my last visit because he's 10 years younger than me and out of shape. We started talking about pilates and I found out he hasn't gotten to do the cadillac yet (the exercise the woman is doing in the photo is like an upside down push up, except that you can't let go, otherwise you'll fall - I used to be great at the cadillac when I did pilates and hardly any of the other students got to use it) so I decided to spend the next few minutes asking why he hasn't tried the cadillac yet. His assistant ratted him out (they take the same class) and said he was whining about his back hurting and spent most of the time stretching instead of doing pilates. He said "well, I was doing some really hard arm moves while I was stretching that you didn't see."

Then he made a sketch of my jaw and I laughed at it because it was so bad. He said the picture was bad because I always make faces when he's staring at my jaw (I do that involuntarily). Then he had to take measurements of the area that he's going to replace and I couldn't stop laughing because he kept accidentally poking me with the measurement tape (he claimed it was because I would make a horrible face as soon as the measurement tape touched my face). Finally he said "can you just pretend for 2 minutes that you are a normal person so I can finish this? and then you can go back to being your old weird self". So I made my robot face and his assistant started laughing and he accused us of ganging up on him.

He's been talking to other surgeons and feeling more confident about the surgery, though I may be missing part of my lower right jaw for a while if the bone isn't in good enough shape to put in the prosthetic. He said "well, you aren't one of those people who cares what you look like anyway." Which I thought was interesting. I always try to look somewhat presentable when I go to the doctor's.

Finally he said he could go and that he would do the rest of the measurements on my x-rays since I was (not purposely) not being cooperative.

So, I guess I'm all set to go with the surgery. Hopefully it will relieve my TMJ.

snakes, squirrels, soccer, and all that entails

Things have been crazy busy around here. So busy that I went almost three weeks without mopping my floor with a real mop (I consider the swiffer surface cleaning).

On Saturday FH and I did a hike at Herman's Gulch. It's shocking how much water is up there, and how green everything is, given that it's July. Odd summer in Colorado...glad for the rain but miss riding my bike in the evenings (I have too much metal in my body to go out when it's lightning).

forgot to bend my monkey arms - FH took this great pic of me and then I took a pic of him and he was like "that's terrible! it looks like a first day at school photo" - I tried to explain to him that I made him so tiny in the picture because there was a cloud behind him that looked like a penis that I wanted to get in the photo...anyway, I probably won't get to take any more pics of him on our hikes

Nothing crazy happened on our hike except for when he suddenly yelled "snake!" and I jumped on his back because I didn't want to get bitten by a snake. Turns out he was just fucking with me. And then, driving home, there was a torrential rain storm (we literally got back to the car right before the sky started dumping) and I had to drive 15 MPH and still couldn't see the car in front of me. It was a great day.

Sunday I worked with my friend Jess at the last world cup game. From the get go I was tired and fucking stuff up. I didn't check the propane stove to make sure it was turned off when I attached the canister so when I went to light it a bunch of flames came out and almost scorched my face. Then I burned my hand on a pot handle. And then I dropped about 30 packets on the ground. Jess said "Oh Franki!" Ech. But we did sell out of food and I got to meet a crazy drunk Brazilian woman who uses the f word more than I do.

Then Monday I was working at my dining room table (I am trying to not go totally overboard with the treadmill this week) when I heard a horrible noise. I looked at the back door and there was a fucking squirrel trying to gnaw through the screen door. Fucker. Why would a squirrel do that? It's not like it smelled food or that my door is dirty (I disinfect it every Friday night).

instead of chewing on my screen door why don't you go fuck yourself?

other people might see you as cute - I see you as a target - POW

 I think that squirrel must be the grandchild of another squirrel who terrorized my house in 2008. It would jump up on the screen door and make a loud chattering noise. No idea why. That was the same summer a raccoon was nesting somewhere on the roof. I would look out my bedroom door and see the raccoon sleeping on a chaise lounge that I usually sit in in the evenings while reading. The raccoon got taken away because the city of Denver said it had rabies. My neighbor drowned the troublesome squirrel because it attacked his dogs.

chicken - 2, me - 0, good thing we aren't playing in the world cup

I know some people think I'm a picky eater, but usually foods I don't like I end up being allergic to.

Chicken is something I've never liked to eat, but I decided to make some for fun and because I have all those herbs in my garden.

arugula, tomatoes, feta cheese, broccoli cole slaw, and chicken, with a lemon and olive oil dressing

 30 minutes after I finished my salad (and this is a salad I eat almost every night, without the chicken though) I started feeling like it was hard to breathe. Then I broke out in a rash all over my body. Gotta be the fucking chicken.

left arm, worst of my two arms

right arm, rash was literally spreading down my arm when I took this pic

 

left leg, my calf and shin is totally covered in the rash

right leg, slightly behind left leg in rash

Going to take some benedryll and get some sleep. Probably this will all be gone tomorrow. Right now it really sucks though.

chicken disasters

(the following is a text exchange I had with FH)

last night

me: do you have to brown chicken before putting it in the slow cooker?
fh: yes
me: how long should that take?
fh: couple of minute on med-high (weirdly I read this as "couple of minutes each side" because I was doing something else while also reading the text - may explain the problem that unfolds)
me: k, was going to do a chicken arugula thing for dinner tomorrow. should be horrible...

(a half hour later)

me: put cilantro, chives, garlic and chicken stock in with the chicken. fingers crossed but not getting my hopes up

note that the cilantro, chives, and arugula are all from my garden

fh: thought you said you were making it for tomorrow
me: I am. I thought I'd cook it for a while and then put it in the refrigerator. can reheat it tomorrow.
fh: it should cook on low for 6 hours straight. I don't know about half and half cooking.
me: oops. step one, turn down slow cooker (I had it set on high). thought if it sat overnite it might have more flavor.
fh: I feel like we discussed this*
me: ;D
fh: oh my

*important side note: I once tried to make a dinner for FH. I put steaks in the slow cooker (without browning them first) and then forgot I was cooking them. They were in there for 24 hours. Then he had to cancel dinner because he had to help a friend move. The next day I reheated the steaks for 8 hours thinking they would be super tender after all that cooking. Instead, when I put them on the dinner plates, they literally dissolved into a pile of steak dust. Even the dogs wouldn't eat the dust. I served them with twice baked potatoes that I reheated. FH called them "thrice baked potatoes". Not only were they inedible, we couldn't cut them even with a very sharp knife. So he schooled me on using a slow cooker. Guess I'm a slow learner at the slow cooker.


today

me: chicken was not very tender. and I think the garlic and chicken broth didn't work very well together. oh well
fh: typically if the chicken is not tender it hasn't cooked long enough. counter intuitive I know, but I don't mean that after 45 hours it's even more tender and flavorful! after 45 hours it's an explosion of dust. how many hours are you up to?
me: 4 yesterday and 3 so far today. all on low.
fh: put a fork in it
me: I can't yet. I'm almost at 12 miles and I don't want to stop walking. Will check it in 15.
me: minutes, not hours.
fh: turn the slow cooker OFF

So I think this highlights why I can't cook...

The chicken is very tender now, but it still tastes like shit. Maybe added too much cilantro and chives and garlic...

weird things happen in 3s to me

When I got home from Virginia Saturday night I opened my suitcase (which I checked, because it was cheaper than paying for overhead bin space) and found the usual TSA inspection notice (they like to inspect my bag every time I check it).

I also found, next to the inspection notice...

what the fuck? why would TSA put chopsticks in my bag????

Odd. I washed my bag thoroughly in case the inspector spilled some of his take out in it.

Then on Sunday a friend who recently bought a Ural side car motorcycle asked if I wanted to go for a ride in it. Uh, hell yeah. We were going to go to Mt. Evans but the weather looked questionable so instead we rode up a dirt road that goes to Central City. At one point, as we were approaching a blind hairpin turn, the motorcycle shut off. I was like "uh oh, fucking russian engineering" but it turns out the wind shield had some how vibrated into the power button and shut the bike off (though my friend has been doing a ton of off roading, that had never happened before).

He got the bike restarted and just as we were rolling again a kid came tearing around the turn full speed in his car. Had the motorcycle not died when it did he would have hit us head on. And we would have died. Or been knocked off the road, down a cliff, and then died. My friend said "I forgot that every time I go somewhere with you something weird fucking happens."

The final odd thing happened at the Fidelity office. I'm working with a professional investor now since I have enough money in my retirement account to get the service for free. As I was waiting for my investor guy a homeless guy came into the lobby and he asked if he could feel my arm because he didn't believe my skin was really skin (why does everyone think I'm a cyborg????). Also, he wanted to try on my shoes. And use my cell phone. And suggested I fold my magazine in half so he could read one page while I was reading the other.

I was finally saved by my investor guy. Turns out the homeless guy opened an account with Fidelity (he has $50 in his account) so he can sit in the air conditioning and watch TV. But, my investor guy said, he's never talked to anyone in the lobby before.

Lucky me.

Hopefully that's the end of the weird things for this week. Aw shit, it's only Monday?