my kitchen -1 to d day

Here are pictures of my kitchen, which will be demolished tomorrow.

Taken from the balcony, looking down into the kitchen. The cabinets are currently being held up partially by a PVC pipe.

From the balcony. This stupid wall blocks the view from the living room into the kitchen. I HATE this wall.

From the living room looking into the kitchen. The wall blocks the flow of the downstairs and blocks the light. It's annoying.

Standing to one side of the wall looking into the kitchen. The cabinets against the window are actually blocking part of the window. It looks like shit. Those cabinets will be removed.

Standing at the door looking into the kitchen. Where the wall is now will be an island with a bar at the end of it. And I'll finally be rid of those cheap, shitty cabinets. That are falling off the wall.

This open shelving right outside the kitchen will be made into a pantry with cabinets. I can't stand having these open shelves. They look trashy.

The way these cabinets were mounted was about the worst construction ever. The bricks will be covered with a concrete something (like drywall, but it's concrete) so the cabinets will be securely mounted I won't have to clean brick dust off of everything all the time like I do now. Hundred year old bricks as a backsplash - BAD idea.

a murderer loose in my house

I sent this email to Pascal last night because he's a plant expert:

WTF?

I got home last night and noticed Forrester Sharpanov was turning black at the base. Then, I sit down to watch a movie, and it appears he died.

Is that plant blood?

 Pascal:

That looks like blood. It looks suspicious. Have you dusted for prints? Have you questioned the other plants and established alibis? One of those succulents was looming suspicious when I was there.

 I sort of suspect the Baby Toes Cult. They're like a combination of the mormons, evangelical christians, and scientologists.

We only LOOK innocent

demolition man

My kitchen demo kicks off Monday. Hooray! I'll post some pics of my kitchen tomorrow. Right now I'm busy drinking and packing.

Maybe not the best combination. At least I'll be surprised when I open the boxes I packed while drunk.

I should write a book on team building

The team I work with at my new job has been in storming mode for sure the past few months. That's why we got to spend an evening last week playing bocce ball.

It's frustrating because there's a huge lack of communication and people not getting along. So last night one of the team members arranged for us to have sushi. Along with us came a Brit who's working as a consultant for us. He's so professional and unruffleable I couldn't help but pick on him. After he sat down I said "So, are you really from UK or have you been faking that accent all along?"

That is not the typical way we talk to each other (my company is pretty formal) so he was taken aback. Then he said "I'm from Surrey" and I remembered a famous serial murderer case there from 2009 (don't ask me how - I can't remember my phone number) and T accused him of being a serial murderer. The night went down hill from there.

So this morning I sent out an email asking for some information. Normally no one responds but in this particular email I included a few sentences about how we discovered last night that our consultant was a serial murderer. Of course everyone responded because they wanted to make a serial murderer joke. Even my manager said "I don't think [my company] covers serial murderers as a protected group". (we employ gay and transgender people and they are considered "protected" as in you can't discriminate against them)

Then our poor consultant tried to respond that he was an upstanding citizen and had a clearance.

So I was like "HA! I knew you worked for MI-6!"

Later on I got an email from an executive director who had somehow gotten on the thread. He said "Congrats on your team building even if it's very unorthodox. I'd love to attend your next sushi dinner." He's a guy that usually ignores my group and does his own thing which makes extra work for us. Perhaps that's changing because he also sent me 3 work related emails and wants to collaborate with me on a cool project I'm working on.

It's funny. I was being low key at work because I'm new there and there's all kinds of political land mines that I keep stepping on. Lesson learned - sometimes being me is a good thing.

my first corporate hike, and of course we almost die

I've been nagging my colleagues and printing out topos for the past few months trying to get some people together to do a hike. Finally, one colleague, T, agreed to go on a hike with me this evening. She's training for a half marathon. I also invited two of my male colleagues. One simply said "I won't go hiking with you because you'll kill me." The other said "Well, how far are you going?" When I responded "Four miles" (I was lying, the trail was 7 miles) he said "But that's SO FAR!"

Um, what?

Anyway, the hike was beautiful, in an area called Las Trampas. They weren't kidding in the reviews about it being steep though. One woman started her trail review with "My butt still hurts!"

No, sillies, she was talking about being sore from hiking.

I said we would only hike until it started getting dark because I only had one headlamp and parts of the trail are narrow, densely wooded, with steep drop offs and I knew there was no moon tonight. But then we decided to go to the top ridge even though the sun was sinking fast. When we got there we saw two huge bald eagles. I thought they were kites at first they looked so unreal. The hills in front of us changed colors 5 times in 5 minutes as the sun set. Beautiful. (I need to bring my camera next time)

Then, as we descended from the ridge back into the woods I heard an owl. We looked up and saw it - it must have had a wing span of at least 6 feet. He was so cool. It was the biggest real owl I've ever seen. There wasn't enough light to take a picture unfortunately. We could hear him making owl whooing noises the rest of the descent down the trail. I am taking his sighting as a good omen.

We arrived back at the car right as it got really dark. I was so busy congratulating myself for my impeccable timing and speeding so my colleague could get back to her hotel to do some work that I almost missed the fuckwit deer that decided to run out of the woods and in front of my car. It's a little Mazda 2. Would not have been pretty. I slammed on the brakes and slowly turned in the direction I thought the deer was not going. The ABS sounded like it was full of gravel and about to explode and the car was sliding along the road with the deer running next to it. It was kind of James Bondish, as much as a car trick in a Mazda 2 can be James Bondish. I literally missed the deer by centimeters. My colleague didn't say anything for a second, and then she said "Did we ALMOST DIE?"

In my world, not really, but she was pretty shook up. Hopefully the story doesn't spread. I'd like to get more people out on hikes.

back to the fake clam counter top

So the smiley face the sequel counter top I picked out is not available until November. My kitchen is supposed to be done by the end of October. I was like fuck fucking fuck!

Then Christine found two slabs of the spring blossom (supposedly). She's going to order it today. If it's not in stock I have no fucking idea what I'm going to do for a counter top in my kitchen. Maybe I just won't have any. The only thing I use them for is a temporary resting place for wine bottles after I open them.

from underwear to star wars

I had a writer's group meeting on Saturday and one thing that always strikes me is how little some writers are able to visualize what they're writing. One guy I was working with had a meet cute scene in his book where a guy opens a car door and knocks his soon to be love interest over.

Being an aspie, I immediately went out side and measured the distance between my car door, the curb, and the side walk. I measure other cars to get a good sampling. I then created a diagram showing the guy that it would be impossible for the character in question to be knocked over by a car door because the door would be too short.

Do you think he changed his book? No. Which is why I rarely read fiction.

We were reading a scene in Kevin's screen play Saturday and he had a stage direction about a male character looking at a female character's back and seeing her underwear poking out above her jeans and thinking it was sexy. I was like "dude, that is so NOT sexy." Given the amount of travel I do I am exposed to women's underwear a lot more than I want to be. It is NOT sexy AT ALL to see some woman with low rider jeans with underwear hanging out the back. Of course all the guys disagreed with me. Then I said it should be star wars underwear if he was going to show underwear because that's the most unsexy thing I could think of.

Which might explain the dream I had last night...

I dreamed that I was living in a house that wasn't like my house at all. Suddenly my friend Blanchy showed up and I made us toast with butter on it. Then all these weirdly costumed women walked in and started eating the toast. I was like "who the fuck are you guys?" They sang a song that went:

As strange as this may sound
As interesting as this may be
We're the characters from star wars
It's a pretty good movie

Um, what?

I was like "stop eating all the toast" and one of the women said "and we're also going to sit in your favorite chair and buy your house." I woke up worried that someone had actually bought my house.

Then I drank some water and went back to bed (it was 3 am). I didn't have any more dreams that I remembered but that stupid song is still stuck in my head.

hotel amenities

Got to my room at the Hilton this evening and found this sitting on the edge of the bathtub:

It's like a toothbrush for the body.

I'd also like to mention the weird twenty something who checked me in. She was talking bizarrely, like one of those guys who make annoying commercials like "everything, EVERYTHING must GO!" The other two women behind the desk were staring at her. I wanted to say "would it bother you if I punched you in the face?"

gang related?

The police have had the street right outside my house blocked off for over two hours. Not sure what's going on but there's crime tape across the other side of the street and an ambulance and crime lab van showed up.

HP vs. me - I win

Projector is fixed. Terrorist attack averted. Even after half a bottle of wine I'm a pretty good engineer.

Will have to look into that "mercury" thing tomorrow. The old bulb exploded. Apparently I might have been exposed to mercury. I used gloves. I think I'll be okay.

If not, I'll give the mad hatter a run for his money.

HP launches a terrorist attack against me

Fuck you movie projector. You are the largest asshole on the planet.

I was watching Wings Of Desire and couldn't take it anymore (1 hour into it - movie sucks - and I like weird french films) so I put another movie in. Then I heard an explosion. I lost the picture. And my house started to smell like melted plastic and smoke.

WTF? I looked at my projector. Uh oh. Red lights are bad.

So, of course I decided to take my projector apart (after consulting the internet first). With my trusty tools.

This little tool kit, which you can't buy, can fix pretty much anything.

Except, apparently, my projector. Thanks for the useful graphic. Er, or not useful.

I hate my projector. It's supposed to be my friend. How am I supposed to block out the real world with exploding bulbs and stinking burnt plastic? I can't even begin to figure out what tool to use to remove the bottom screw.

Done and done. I'm going to bed. Will deal with this tomorrow. What else is going to go wrong this month?

BTW, projector, I can run you over with my car. Just so you know. Did I mention I hate you?

smiley face counter top

A few weeks ago I picked out a counter top for my kitchen remodel. I started calling it the smiley face counter because it has a bunch of faces in it:

When Christine went to order it she found out it's no longer being made (it's recycled quartz). Tres depressing. She called all over the place and then I did a search. The only place that still has the counter top is Vancouver, BC. I contemplated a drive there but don't have any vacation at work yet.

So then Christine found this for me. It's called Spring Blossom. No faces, but it's colorful:

And how about that fake clam!

She told me to go to Stone Collection to get a sample that I could take home. Stone Collection is the largest granite/stone warehouse in Denver. I went there and met a very cute guy who immediately informed met that Spring Blossom is also discontinued.

FUCK!

Sensing my angst, or perhaps because he saw me trip over a granite sample and cut my foot so badly it started bleeding, he offered to walk me through the granite warehouse. They have loads and loads of granite. It was overwhelming. Every time I saw something I liked he marked it on a little checklist.

When we got done he asked my price point. Then he complimented me on my good taste. Granite is rated from 1 (cheap) to 7 (costs more than God). I had picked out 2 7s and 2 slabs that weren't even priced (the rating said "exotic"). I had wasted an hour and a half for NOTHING.

Then I saw some Vettrazo counter tops. There's one made out of recycled skyscraper bits, one made from traffic lights, and this one, Alehouse Amber, made from recycled beer bottles:

I was like "I love that!" and the guy was like "um, that's going to cost four times your budget per square foot".

Wah.

Christine had also given me some miniature samples of quartz. I wasn't crazy about them until I got home and realized that my kitchen is being demolished in two weeks and I have no fucking counter top and I've been to the largest stone dealer in Colorado and hated everything but the stuff I can't afford and couldn't afford unless I was a multi-multi millionaire.

I looked at one of the samples...and noticed:

Smiley face counter top the sequel!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And men with sunglasses!!!!!!!

Yeah, it's a shitty picture. Do I look like someone competent enough to operate a camera? Trust me, the sample is SMALL.

Anyway, I think I'm going to order smiley face the sequel on Monday. If it's out of stock I will scream. And then cry.

I'm sure my writer friends will weigh in with their opinions, which I will ignore, because tomorrow Kevin invited everyone over to my house for dinner and a reading. We have a new member in our group, another woman to even things out a bit.

highlights from the weekend

• I was reading a magazine while waiting for Pascal at the airport. He walked right in front of me and made a scary noise, causing me to almost have heart failure. I thought that was kind of mean considering I had brought him banana pudding and a glass of wine to enjoy on the ride home.
• Pascal said I was under watering one of my plants and then criticized the way I watered it. Apparently you are supposed to put the plants in the sink and pretend to make it rain on them, and then leave them soaking in water for a few minutes. I stand corrected on my bad watering.
• We got into an argument about the difference between a capability, a service, and a product. I won.
• I showed Pascal a very cool spreadsheet I created using pivot table to determine a project's risk. He likes talking about pivot tables.
• We went hiking at Roxborough. It was over cast when we got there but I was like "it never rains in Colorado". Then it started raining. So I said "well, at least it's not a storm." Then we heard thunder. So I said "as long as there's no lightning we're okay." It started lightning. Luckily we made it back to the car safe and the sun came out at the end of the hike so Pasc got some really good pictures. We saw a ton of deer.
• Pasc suggested we go to a grocery store. He likes those places. Then he wanted to walk down all the aisles (up until our trip I've never been down most of the aisle in my grocery store). He knows how to fart in a way that sounds like a duck, so when I was trying to decide which dishwashing soap I wanted he started making duck farts. People in the aisle were looking at us. Pasc was staring off into space as if I was the one who was farting and he was just an innocent bystander.
• He made a stew with a full bottle of wine in it and some other stuff. He put it in the oven and we went to the british pub. For some reason the taps weren't working. We subsequently went to three more bars and encountered the same problem. I drank a british beer called...something...and after I took a swig of it Pasc said "the best thing about that beer is it will make you fart". Great. We accidentally stayed out two hours longer than we had planned having beers at different bars in LoDo. That's how the stew got a little over cooked. Pasc had insisted I buy flour because he thought the stew would be too watery. By the time we got home almost all the liquid was cooked out of it so he added more water just so he could use the flour that I had been carrying around LoDo in my backpack. It was heavy. I was like "I've been carrying this damn thing around for 3 hours, you better fucking use it".
• We got into an argument about spring rolls and egg rolls. It turns out that an egg roll is a subset of a spring roll. I never knew that. I lost the argument. But kicked Pasc's ass at spinjas so it didn't matter because spinjas are way more important than egg rolls.
• I showed Pasc the godfather, the city of lost children, and rosencratz and guildenstern are dead. They are some of my favorite movies. He fell asleep during them. I also introduced him to David Chappelle. 
• Pasc ate potato chips on my leather sofa and managed to get more of them on the sofa than in his mouth. He also got potato chip crumbs, inexplicably, on his shoulders and back. When he got up off the sofa there were crumbs everywhere except where he had been sitting. I eat potato chips on my sofa all the time and never get crumbs on it.
• I took Pasc to Wahoo's. He now likes fish tacos.
• We got carded at every bar we went to. Go us. Though, most of the time they couldn't find Pasc's birthday on his jacked up driver's license. But he was served anyway because he exaggerates his accent and is very flirty. Apparently most american women find a british accent very sexy.
• We spent 3 hours at the Denver Botanic Gardens and had lunch there. Pasc ordered chicken curry samosas and then spent 30 minutes explaining to me how they weren't really samosas and that they were made wrong.
• He introduced me to Eddie Izzard. We spent Sunday night laughing our asses off listening to him.

If you ever have the chance to host a brit I highly recommend it. Though, full disclosure, they tend to fart a lot.

british invasion

I haven't been writing lately because the brit came back again on Friday night. He left last night.

We had many adventures involving searching for breweries where the tap was actually working, going to the british pub in my neighborhood only to find out Pascal couldn't drink for free there (rather than letting brits drink free the bartender said they charge twice as much because brits are so rowdy), hiking in a storm (between Pascal and I we are probably the most likely people on the planet to be struck by lightning), eating stew that we overcooked because we were drinking and lost track of time (it was still really good), shopping for flour at the slum mart down the street (turns out we didn't need it because the stew was over cooked - also, the flour almost got rained on), and running amok at the Denver Botanical Gardens.

Details to follow.

Tomorrow my friend Neil arrives. He's coming for a Vietnam Vet reunion. I'm a popular hostess these past few weeks.

And I made the banana pudding. It was good. I am awesome at cooking. Er, cooking desserts. That don't require actual cooking.

my broken mirror

we are experiencing technical difficulties...

What a fucking day. First, I was all packed up and ready to head to the office when I realized I couldn't find my rental car keys. I've never lost my keys before. I madly searched my room, backpack, suitcase, and the backpack again when I remembered I had put my keys in a plastic grocery bag with my nectarines and blueberries when returning from the grocery last night.

I pulled the bag out of the trash and discovered a huge hole in the plastic bag.

Fuck.

So I went down to the front desk and asked if anyone had turned in rental car keys. They had. Happy day. But then the woman at the front desk refused to give me the keys.

Grrr.

Surprisingly I was able to remember the make and color of the car. I never remember that. I usually just head for the area where I know I parked and click the unlock button until I see the tail lights of the car blinking.

After much wrangling with the front desk and signing of papers saying I was the rightful owner (3 different docs the front desk woman typed up - really????) I was given my keys.

A half hour later, in the office, I get a call from Merry Maids. They managed to break a large mirror in my bedroom. A mirror they aren't even supposed to dust since they've broken so many other things in my house. Guess I'll get that sorted when I get home Friday.

A new hire was in the office across from mine. He belched all day like he was at a fraternity party and made grunting noises that sounded like he was giving birth. Even with my door closed I could hear him.

Then I spent 5 1/2 hours in a meeting with two "EA consultants" that were big on academic bullshit and small on "okay, how are we going to fucking do that in real life????"

And today I answered 3 emails about the old software tool I used to support since my customers from my previous job can't seem to get anyone at my old company to answer their questions. Gotta stop doing that. One of my customers also called me at 8 PM today and left a 5 minute message.

People. I don't work there anymore. Stop. Calling. Me.

an englishman in Colorado

This weekend I entertained a work colleague who is from Britain, Pascal. We have worked together for 6 years.

He is still on UK time even though he had been in the US for a week. So we ended up staying up until 3 am on Friday talking about Archimate. Saturday morning, early, like around 8 am, he lectured me for an hour on the style of brick laying used in my house. Apparently in the UK they use Flemish style for their brickwork. I forget what my house was. He also said I did the worst job ever patching the mortar in the bricks and pointed out to me the patch I used was not meant for patching mortar made in the 1880s because it's made of....something...and the patch I used is made of...something else...so they don't bond. I was kind of hung over and sleep deprived so that conversation was a blur.

To distract him from the bricks, for fear he would start removing my patches, I showed him a silver cigarette case that my friend Arthur gave me. He immediately looked up the symbols and established that the case was made in 1893 (I think that's what he said) and that it's good sterling silver. There was something about the lion stamp on the case (the raging lion? the up paw lion? the mad lion? it was the something lion) which established where the case was made (Birmingham, in UK).

At one point he said "I always yawn too when people are lecturing me and I'm bored".

I took him on Sunday to buy an iPad. I really wonder if that was a good idea. He looked up the stuff about the bricks and my cigarette case on his phone. Giving him a larger display may be the biggest disaster ever.

He comes back next weekend. He was eyeing my movie projector after talking about how he loves to take things apart. I think I'll take him out for some exercise so he won't damage any of the electronics in my house.

And, mad props to Pascie for his cooking. He made omelets (though he said my frying pan was "inadequate"), scrambled eggs, filet mignon, and he sharpened all of my kitchen knives after making disdainful comments about how I needed to sharpen them every week (I've never sharpened them and have owned most of them for over 5 years - hm, may get him to sharpen my ice axes and crampons so I can sleep in).

While drinking on Saturday night, around 2 am, I may have promised to make him banana pudding. Help, please.

Pascal, if you are reading this, you are NOT going to take apart my projector or my stereo. Ever. Comprende?

man pulls, part 2

I talked to my parents and my friends about buying the man pulls for my kitchen since they are ridiculously expensive.

And everyone, including my dad who is possibly the cheapest person on the planet, was like "you idiot, of course you should buy them".

So I did. Though, I can't believe I just paid $600 for three cabinet pulls. I'm never moving, and if I do I'm taking my man pulls with me.

hummingbirds

My cousin was on NPR talking about hummingbirds.

Which is cool because I love hummingbirds ever since I almost killed one who buzzed me when I was out on a balcony smoking (my dad and I were doing some 14ers and staying in a hotel in the mountains and I had a coconut gel in my hair - I thought the hummingbird was a big mosquito - I live in the city dudes and had never seen a hummingbird before).

I had a hummingbird feeder in my yard, hung from my neighbor's tree which used to be in my yard until it fell and crushed my butterfly bushes. He's a major dick and pulled the feeder out of the tree and smashed it on my patio. I haven't seen any hummingbirds in my yard since but I think maybe they'll come back next year.

oakland food bank

My company paid me to spend the afternoon sorting food at the Oakland food bank. My company is a rock star (since companies apparently are people).

Forty volunteers sorted 19 tons of food.

And to the person who donated a popped bag of popcorn that expired in 2003, you are an asshole. As is the person who donated spices that expired in 1991.

The most important thing I learned today is donate money, not food. And don't empty your expired food at a food bank. We throw it away.

It was pretty fun working at the food bank. I hope we get to go back there. I'm really good at sorting food. And I saw a bunch of food that must be at the grocery that I've never seen before because I don't actually go down aisles to shop for food. I'm not a big fan of the grocery store because I'm afraid something might fall on my zombie knee. I just buy the food that's on the borders of the store.

One bin was full of food that went totally bad and it smelled like a dead body. Gross.

We moved all the food from the empty bins on the right to the bins on the left.

Barrels to collect more food. Oakland food bank feeds 40,000 people a week. Yes, a week.

manpulls

Christine at Colorado Kitchen Designs is SO AWESOME. I went in on Friday to pick out my cabinet pulls and counter tops and she found these cabinet pulls. I'm doing three of them. My friend Pascal, who will be coming to visit on Friday, helped me name them.

Herbert Posselthwaite. He's a working class dude who eats fish and chips when not climbing. He's secretly saving money to buy CDs with singing lessons from Amazon. He has a dog named Barth.

Montague Forbes-Herringbone. Soloed the Petit Gripon during a thunderstorm. For fun. Finds women insanely attracted to his long wingspan. As a child, he wanted to be a dancer in Riverdance.

J. Coedish Longsworth. Supports his climbing habit by writing Perl scripts and making porns. Hates Eclipse. Has two gay ducks for pets.

pics from bierstat

To give you an idea of what the easiest 14er is like...to quote my dad "even the easiest 14er isn't easy."

Attempting to demonstrate how to use the emergency beacon at 5:55 am.

After 2 3/4 miles and a lot of elevation gain Kevin discovers the last 1/4 mile is a rock scramble. A steep rock scramble.

At the summit. Me, Kevin, Peter, and Leon.

Smoking my fake cigarette and texting my dad from the summit.

In the talus field leaving the summit. Leon, me, and Kevin. The air behind us is filled with smoke from the fires.

1/3 of the way down Bierstat. We can barely see the parking lot.

Discussion in the last flat place on Bierstat before descending on the trail. Me, Peter, and Leon.

Kevin, as usual, between a rock and a hard place.

I can't wait to do Torey's/Gray's in a few weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!

14er fever

I had no idea, a year ago, when I gave my friend Cam's son a book to read on Hugh Herr that he would decide he really wanted to be a climber. He's funding his own trip next year to climb Kilimanjaro. And he's spent the summer bagging 14ers out here in Colorado.

I was feeling a bit depressed that I hadn't done one 14er this summer due to switching jobs and still traveling. So when my friend Kevin asked me this week if I wanted to escort himself and his two room mates, Leon and Peter, up a 14er (their first) of course I said yes.

We were supposed to do Quandry peak this morning. But at 8 PM last night someone finally figured out that Quandry was farther away than anticipated. I suggested Bierstat instead. It's more scenic and closer.

I sent detailed instructions on what to pack, most of which were ignored by Kevin. Including the first thing on the list, a spare set of socks. The beginning of the bierstat trail can be muddy and wet. About 10 minutes into our hike Kevin fell into a creek. Luckily Peter had an extra pair of socks for Kevin to use. I should probably not mention another detail, which is that Kevin was farting like freight train the whole hike up.

It was a great day even with all the crowds. When we summitted there must have been at least 50 other people on top. We took quick pictures and then I suggested we head down. The weather on Bierstat can change quickly, and I didn't want to have to haul ass down the rock pile/talus field that is Bierstat's peak with 50 other people and their badly behaved dogs.

Peter had me laughing with his impromptu singing. He would sing two lines of a song and then stop. He got one 80s song stuck in my head for most of the hike though. That was kind of annoying. Then he and Kevin had an argument because Peter thought he was singing The Final Countdown and Kevin was like "no, that's a Stix song."

When we arrived back at the car everyone was like "that was only 7 miles???? that was hard!" We ran into a guy with Tennessee license plates who was not hiking but who was drinking red wine in the Bierstat parking lot. He was like "You hiked all the way up here? That looks tiring. We're drinking."

Point taken :)

I hope that Leon and Peter invite me on some more of their adventures. I dubbed Peter the mountain lion because for a smoker he had a great pace and was good at route finding through the talus field. I think he's also been bitten by the 14er bug. He was googling 14ers the whole ride home and wants to do Torey's/Gray's in a few weeks.

Rock on. Hiking partners!

When I was saying goodbye to them at their house at the end of our little adventure Peter was like "Thank you so much for guiding us up Bierstat." I was like "I didn't do anything except laugh when Kevin farted." Peter said "But you encouraged us up when we wanted to turn around."

I was like "I don't remember doing that." And he said "Well, we figured if someone with a knee built from dead body parts could get up Bierstat so could we."

It's the best compliment I've received in a while.

why I will not eat at mici's again

Last Friday night I ordered a pizza from Mici's to be delivered. They have really good pizza. The wait time is usually long, but more so on Friday (1 1/2 hours).

The pizza was $24, $27 including the tip. I should have looked at the pizza BEFORE I tipped the asshole who delivered it. I guess he had been holding the box sideways. All the toppings were slopped on one side of the pizza and all over the box. And they had left off the basil topping (which cost $2.50).

I sent an email to Mici's complaining about my pizza (calling there on a Friday night is ridiculous - you sit on hold forever). They responded in an hour apologizing. If I had asked for a new pizza it would have been 11 PM before I got it. They said they would send me a gift certificate instead. I sent them a picture of the pizza in response so they could see I wasn't making the story up.

A few days later I got the "gift certificate". It was for a free personal pizza. What????? I paid $27 for a pizza that only had 2 edible slices (the other topping covered slices were so soaked with sauce and melted cheese that I couldn't even get them off the bottom of the pizza box and the ones that were just crust...well why would I eat crust?). And they send me an $8 coupon? I order from them at least once a week, sometimes more if people are over. A few times they've accidentally undercharged me and I always corrected them and paid the right price.

Further, because I order from them so much I get free personal pizzas every few months. I always give them away because those tiny pizzas turn out to be half crust and half toppings (not a big fan of crust in and of itself).

What they SHOULD have done is refunded my money for the pizza, or at least given me a gift certificate for the size of pizza I ordered and fine, I'd pay for toppings.

Fuck you Mici's. In this economy screwing your customers is a bad idea.

Anyway, a new sushi place just opened that delivers to my house. Guess what I'm having for dinner tonight.

and about my new book

At dinner on Saturday I was talking to the writer's group inner circle about my dreams (can't remember how it came up). I initially wanted to make them into a book but people thought it was a stupid idea. But Jeff thought it was a good idea. He asked me to send him links to some of my dreams, but said he was too busy rewriting a play that's in a contest to read them until August 25th.

Me:

Jeff, you aren't THAT god damn busy that you can't take five minutes to read these:

The dream about a comedy show with a great white (forgot about the jewish jokes in this, you'll enjoy it)
http://blonstar40.blogspot.com/2009/02/shark-ha-ha-show.html

The dream about being in a show where Drew Barrymore gets killed:
http://blonstar40.blogspot.com/2009/07/broken-vase.html

This is about finding out the secrets of the universe. You will laugh, I promise:
http://blonstar40.blogspot.com/2011/04/secret-of-universerevealed-here.html

Can't find the monster dream right now, but this is a dream I had about magic clay and farts:
http://blonstar40.blogspot.com/2008/12/if-only-there-were-such-thing-as-magic.html

So, maybe this could be my next book...

Jeff:

These are all pretty great.  I think each would make a good short story.  Start with that and then worry about making them into a book.  

Me:

"Dear New Yorker Magazine:

I am submitting for your consideration a short story I've written based on a dream I had about magic clay. Tea Leoni also farts into a vat of tuna salad and makes Elizabeth Taylor eat it. I apologize for not being able to figure out how to make a squiggle over the "e" in Tea's name.

Sincerely,

Franki Flowers"

I'll be published in no time!

Jonathan (who's only 21):

I feel utterly hopeless about being able to write anything half as interesting as everything I've just read.

Me:

Jonathan,

The secret to life is that you're going to die. So do shit assuming it's going to kill you but you're going to die anyway so who cares.

Then laugh about it. And write it down. Including any resulting nightmares or dreams.

"Oh shit, I just stepped on a rusty nail and will die of tetanus! Remember when Kevin made farting noises? Haha! Oh, was that a dream or was I really abducted by aliens?"

Fade to black.

 

middle earth

Yesterday evening I was catching up on the XCKD comics and I came across one titled "cirith ungol" that had a person entering a cave that was full of webs. One of the webs said "some pig!" I didn't get it.

So I emailed the inner writer's group.

Me:

Do any of you fags know anything about middle earth? I don't get this comic and it's driving me crazy.

http://www.xckd.com/1087/

Kevin:

Sorry. I've had sex during this millennium so I'm unqualified to answer.

Jeff:

Kevin you suck.  I know the answer. 

 

It’s at the end of the second book of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  Sam uses a magic light in a cave with a really large spider.  The cave is the way to get around Cirith Ungol, which is a really bad fortress. 

 

Kevin:

All that Lord of the Rings knowledge, and you still can't get laid. How is that possible?

 

Jeff:

Me:

Thanks Jeffy.

But.

Why is the comic funny? Why does the web say "some pig"?

I need to know. I might not be able to sleep tonight if I don't find out. I can't keep googling shit forever. I have to watch Diva.

I just need someone to tell me why this comic is funny.

Jeff:

The some pig is a reference to Charlotte’s Web.  It’s a children’s book (actually quite good) about a spider that makes friends with a pig.  To keep the pig from becoming bacon she starts to make words in her webs.  Since people are stupid, they think the pig is doing it and not the spider.  So the spider keeps the pig alive.  One of the things she writes is “some pig.”  It’s a clever comic, but not hilarious.

Kevin (obviously on a different page than the rest of us):

It's a bad pun, Franki. His name is Malcom Jamal WARNER. From the Cosby Show. Warner-Warning? Get it?

Me:

I'm blond and don't own a tv.

I didn't get it.

 

Jeff:

Franki, just make a list of all the jokes and we’ll help you.

 

 

Everyone should join a writer's group. Even if you don't write.

 

 

 

shows that need more sharks!

NPR just put up the best article ever, in celebration of shark week, about TV shows that could use a shark to enhance the plot.

I don't have a TV and I've never seen any of the shows but the article was fucking hilarious anyway.

My additions to the article, but for movies:

Crazy Heart - Instead of meeting Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jeff Bridges is thrown into the ocean and eaten by a shark. The movie ends in less than 15 minutes, leaving me time to watch another episode of my Chaos class.

Happy-Go-Lucky - Five minutes into the movie a genetically engineered shark that can survive on land eats Poppy. Then the director splices in Casablanca.

Citizen Kane - At the end of the movie Kane goes bankrupt building a giant salt water tank. It is uncovered, after he dies, that rosebud was his pet shark.

Life Aquatic - That already has a shark in it, which makes it one of the best movies ever.

mother nature is a bitch

I awoke this morning with anticipation of finally filling my newly rubberized swamp cooler pan with water and enjoying the comforts of cool air in the house again.

My project worked perfectly (I highly recommend rubberizeit for any project). Though, after I got the swamp cooler turned on the temperature dropped to 69 degrees. I had to turn it off. Maybe tomorrow.

And then my writer's group got hailed and rained on as we were finishing dinner on the upstairs outdoor patio of Merle's. As soon as we all got inside the rain and hail stopped.

Hail fell in my wine but I drank it anyway.

the joys of rubber

UPS finally showed up at 1130 with my rubberize stuff. So far the project is going well. It looks like it's going to rain but...it always looks like it's going to rain...

Swamp cooler pan after cleaning. I had to scrape it and then sand it. That was the day I stepped on the nail. You can see the hole in the pan...

After rubberizing. Looks pretty cool in a bondage kind of way.

The hole patched with a fabric called reinforceit.

some ways to be cool (none really work)

I am not *really* complaining because the hottest day in Denver is still better than a sort of hot day anywhere else...but it is kind of hot in the afternoon and with no swamp cooler...and UPS* sent me an email this morning saying my rubberizeit wouldn't be here until tomorrow...

So, the engineer in me decided to do some experiments on keeping my house cool.

Experiment #1 - Open all the doors and windows during the day but keep doors closed at night. Turn on ceiling fans.
Result - Hot and noisy. Cross breeze my ass.

Experiment #2 - Open just the downstairs back door during the day (since it's shaded by my under decking the air is cooler than that coming from the upstairs door - and I can prove it because I've been taking temperature measurements). Turn on ceiling fans.
Result - Hot. Not noisy. A bit claustrophobic.

Experiment #3 - Only open the doors at night (back doors, not front). Turn on all ceiling fans. Close doors in morning. Turn off all but the main fan during the day.
Result - This actually worked pretty well (5 degree temperature drop from experiment #2). But it did cause me to have nightmares even though no one can get through my screened safety doors without a blow torch and my back yard is enclosed and would require someone to climb over my garage and then 18 feet up to my deck.

No, I don't have too much time on my hands. Why would you think that?

*Is it just me or is UPS starting to really suck? I mean, they mailed back my packages after 3 delivery attempts (2 in one day) instead of storing them as usual and then when I called to complain said they changed their policy about holding packages for 5 days. I was like "thanks for fucking telling me" and they were like "we're telling you now". Grr.

Tdap

Yesterday afternoon I was up on my roof working on my swamp cooler again. I had to scrape and then sand the bottom of the swamp cooler pan to get rid of all the gunk in preparation for rubberizing it (my rubberizer should be here on Wednesday).

(my friend Pascal was like "looks prehistoric!" when I sent him the picture)

I had just finished cleaning it and was walking to the edge of the roof to lower the hose, which I had dragged up to the roof with a climbing rope...

...when this mother fucker went through the sole of my shoe and up into my left foot. It almost popped out the top of my foot.

(next to my house key for scale - it was a BIG fucking nail)

So I did some research on tetanus and started to worry I was going to get it. It causes, among other things, death, back spasms, and uncontrolled pissing and shitting. No thanks. But, I didn't know how my new insurance worked and thought maybe I was over reacting and didn't need a shot. I dumped hydrogen peroxide on the hole in my foot and hoped for the best.

But I woke up this morning with neck pain (one of the signs) and a headache so I called the 800 number for my insurance and it turned out it was super easy to get a tetanus shot. The nurse was named Michael and he said it was a good thing I had come in because it turns out my headache was actually a fever, potentially caused by tetanus (the neck pain also worried him).

I got a shot called the Tdap, which is not just tetanus but also whooping cough and diptheria. I was like "it's like the three for one happy hour in the Injections department!" (because that's where I was - the injections department - they only do injections).

He gave me a pink band aid and told me to move my arm a lot.

It matches my water bottle. Not psyched about getting a shot, but psyched about my band aid.

I can step on rusty nails for another 10 years without having to get a shot.

electric shock therapy

Today, after delaying for 4 weeks, I replaced all the outdoor lights on my building. Yeah, there are 3 other people who live here, but they don't do anything.

It's the first electrical project I've done by myself. I was a little nervous, more so when I accidentally touched a live wire and got a huge fucking shock (blister on my finger where it touched the wire).

But...the lights work!!!!! I did it!!!!!!

And the calculations I did to place the address plaque so it's directly under the light at night were perfect.

Oh, and my swamp cooler fix worked. I put water in it today and it's sound as a boat. But I get my RubberizeIt on Wednesday and that's when the real fun of that project starts.

To celebrate my day of successful projects my friend Cam came over and we ate way too much indian food. Will have to spend the rest of the evening watching movies to recover.

spots

I was just talking to my dad on the phone about my swamp cooler fix. I had to laugh as I hung up because my dad would do stuff like duct tape the bumper back on our car (and leave the tape on until the bumper fell off again) or unbend a hangar to make it into an antenna for the car. It didn't help that we always had ghetto cars like a huge van or a lincoln town car (bought, appropriately, in Vegas at 4 am, which is another story entirely). At the end of our conversation my dad was like "I definitely need to come out to Colorado this fall". I think he feels left out that I'm fixing stuff without him.

As I was writing my other blog post I remembered a time that my dad had come out to Colorado and rented a white car (think it was a Ford). We were going to the mountains but my dad wanted to stop at some refinery. He has a thing about taking tours in places normal people don't go.

side note: When my youngest brother Steve was being interviewed for a gifted school, at the age of 4, a teacher showed him a charcoal briquette and said "do you know what this is?" My brother rattled off an explanation of how coal is used for power. The week before my dad had taken us to tour a coal plant because it was on the way to my grandparents' house. The interviewer told my parents that he had to write down what my brother said and then fact check it because he didn't know how coal was converted into energy. Needless to say, my brother got into the school and weirdly, studied mining engineering in college and now works in part with the coal industry.

We pulled into the parking lot of the refinery and the air was heavily ladened with the stench of tar. No other cars were parked in the parking lot. The tour took an hour. As we headed back to the car we were shocked to discover it covered in black dots. It turned out the refinery was having its roof re-tarred (hee) and the wind had blown tar onto our car.

My dad was pissed so the guy who did the tour for us said we could drive the car through a car wash down the street and the refinery would pay for it. All the car wash did was spread the tar around. We drove the car for another week and when my dad returned it the rental company didn't say anything.

Which reminds me of another time, before I was living in Colorado, when my dad rented a Ford Taurus that we intended to drive around Colorado picking off 11 fourteeners in 9 days. We were on the approach to Torrey's and Gray's peak, which is notorious for being a rutted mess (even more so back in 1995). For what ever reason my dad was speeding. We rounded a curve, hit a rut, and I saw something fly off the car. My dad stopped and I got out of the passenger side. The trim under the door had been ripped off, all the way across the side of the car.

I picked it up and was like "what the fuck do I do with this?" My dad was like "just throw it in the back seat". Nine days later, when we returned the car, my dad was like "Just walk casually towards the airport bus." As we were walking a guy from the rental company called after us.

"Sir, I think you left something in the back seat!"

My dad said "Uh, no, that belongs to you!" Then he looked at me and said "RUN!"

We ran to the bus and watched through the back window as the confused rental car check in guy pulled the trim out of the back seat of the car from the driver's side. We had a great laugh. My dad was never charged for damaging the car.

Looking forward to my dad coming out here, hopefully in the fall...

RubberizeIt

Today I bought a quart of liquid rubber. Seriously. It's made by a company called RubberizeIt.

While I was in California this week the pan of my swamp cooler sprung a leak. It was a ring sized hole (the white spot in the middle of all the rust):

That sucked because it means I have no way to cool my house except for a fan. So, after doing some online research, I found RubberizeIt, watched the YouTube vid on how to fix a swamp cooler, was like "fuck yeah I can do that", and ordered everything I need to bomb proof my swamp cooler pan.

But, the liquid rubber doesn't get here until next Friday.

So I looked through my tools and stuff and found a suction cup I had saved (it's supposed to be used to hang a razor in the bathroom). I trimmed it up and then filled the cup part with latex sealant. Then I scraped and sanded the metal around the hole, and stuck the cup over the hole and covered the suction cup with more latex sealant:

It kind of looks like a latex nipple.

Finally, I covered the underside of the hole with more latex sealant:

I'm going to let the latex cure for at least 12 hours, then I'm going to fill the pan with water and see what happens. Even though the latex is technically not rated for underwater I figure it will last until the RubberizeIt gets here. And I use that sealant on the plug for the swamp cooler and it lasts for the whole summer. My dad thinks it will work.

I'm hoping with the liquid rubber I can keep my swamp cooler for another few years. It's going to cost about $2000 to replace it since I have to hire a crane to hoist it up on the roof.

Go me with my redneck engineering!

back splash

I was complaining to a friend about my kitchen remodel hoping he would have some tips for me:

Me:

Busy weekend trying to finish up loose ends for my kitchen remodel. I really hate shopping and walking around looking at things. Like, I don't fucking know if some tile will make a good back splash or not.

Pascal:

Ooh yeah the perils of choosing a splash back. Now this is also a bit of a mystery to me. You have fashion, taste and practicality to balance. I favour stainless steel as it's really hygienic, easy to clean and fairly cheap. However it shows up the muck. Glass is super fashionable in the Uk at the moment. Tiles can be cheap or stupid expensive with ones that are crafted on the thigh of an Italian maiden using only her feet, "look you can see the imprint of her toenail", "but they aren't square and look shit", "but they cost me $1000 per square foot", "hmm", "want some coffee, it comes from beans that have passed through the digestive tract of a patagonian trouser hamster","fuck off, I hate you". Don't ask me for advice on splash backs babe. I will get it wrong and you'll hate me for ever. I'll happily tell you whether I like your choice though.

I found it interesting that he mentioned "hygienic" when referring to his kitchen. He cooks a lot so maybe he meant it from a food perspective. Though, he's also the type of person that would have sex on the butcher's block.

Too bad the backsplash I want, which is made out of recycled wine bottles, costs a billion dollars.
 

elements of fucking style

I went to Tattered Cover today to pick up a copy of the elements of style since I've been unsuccessful in procuring a used copy.

They didn't have it, but they did have the elements of fucking style. It's actually really good. And next time I'm at a writer's meeting and someone makes a nonsensical comment (someone told me I use too many adverbs and I was like "do you know what an adverb is?" - dead silence) I can whip it out and give a quick lesson in, for example, dangling modifiers:

wrong:

Having trouble getting aroused, Viagra helps me maintain an erection.

right:

As I have trouble getting aroused, Viagra helps me maintain an erection.

For real, that's in the book. And more. Buy it. Everyone writes, everyone can use it.