new shoes, and a thank you note

Since some of you have asked, no, I'm not returning to my bad old obsessed with shoes days, and yes, I will post pictures of my new shoes:

the two shoes in the middle are Paul Green, who apparently is a podiatrist or some shit - they are the MOST COMFORTABLE shoes I've ever worn and I've had 4 people in the past two days take pictures of these shoes so they could buy a pair - can't believe it only took 15 minutes to buy four pairs of shoes

and because my friend J complained when I texted her the above pic, here is a side view

I was so happy with the service Christine provided I sent an email to Nordstrom's on Monday sharing my story. I got an email back from them today:

Thank you for sharing this wonderful email about Stephanie and the outstanding service she provided.  I am thrilled to hear she found you the perfect shoes while you have your cast.  I will gladly share your comments with Stephanie and her department manager.

I appreciate you taking the time to recognize her for a job well done!

We look forward to seeing you again.

But I won't be seeing them soon because I just bought four pairs of shoes. And I'm not getting shoe obsessed again. And anyway, I'm still in a walking cast...

out PINSMed by a crafty person

Yesterday I walked into the ladies' room to put some eye drops in my eyes. A woman was standing at the counter at the sink to the left so I took the sink to the right. As I started to put in the eye drops she said "this is a happy accident for you to come in when you did". Then she put an envelope down on the counter in front of me.

well, I didn't ACTUALLY find it

I took it back to my desk and opened it:

front of the card

inside of the card

My cube mate C said "that would have totally made my day!" and the guys said "I think they're putting those out for suicide prevention week" and I didn't know what to make of it. Except that maybe some crafter just took my PINSMs to the next level (when I first started PINSMs I used to leave them in random places around the office).

Last night I showed it to my friend Cam at dinner and she said "I think you should put it out somewhere else and let someone else find it, then you can pass it around the whole office". I thought it was a great idea so this morning I wandered around for 5 minutes trying to find the perfect place to put it. Because the people I work with can be a bit messy in the break room I decided to leave it on the xerox machine. I kept checking on it all day but no one took it. Then a guy I work with said "that's a STUPID place to put it - people are going to think someone left it there on accident!"

I told him to go fuck himself. I'm sure eventually someone will take it.

house calls

Yesterday I walked downtown in my walking boot (my doctor said it was okay to walk more) to get my eyelashes tinted. When I arrived back at my house there was a man waiting at my doorstep. I was listening to music so it took me a minute to realize he was talking to me.

I turned off my music and the guy said "My name is Manuel and I live across from you" (well, actually two houses down in what, seriously, is a crack house). "My girlfriend got drunk last night and fell down the stairs and twisted her foot so I took her to St. Joseph's and they gave her a walking boot just like yours. But she is in serious pain. What should I do?"

He must have seen me walking in the evenings in my boot. It was kind of odd, but he is not the first neighbor to stop by my house like that to ask for help. So I told him to have her elevate it and put ice on the foot. He said they can't make ice but that he had a freezer. So I told him to get gel packs and ace bandages and all the other blah blah blah. I then went into my house and took pictures with his phone of everything he needed to get her just in case he couldn't find it. Not surprisingly, I know which aisle in Safeway has the ace bandages, gel packs, and pain relievers. I told him on the off chance they had moved the stuff to show the pictures to the guy at the pharmacy counter (I know him pretty well too) and that he would help Manuel. Then I gave him a bag of ice for his girlfriend to use while she was waiting for him to get the other stuff.

Manuel thanked me and then asked what I thought about her drinking some vodka for the pain. Um, NO. He told me the only other woman he knows named Franki is a lesbian who is also a semi professional fighter. Oh, interesting. And then he asked if he could stop by in a few days to let me know how his girlfriend is getting on. Of course.

And today I stopped procrastinating and went shopping to buy some skirts since my walking boot is wreaking havoc on my jeans (because of the velcro, it keeps getting stuck to my jeans and makes little bumpy sections on my jeans). I went to white house / black market because I knew they would let me sit in a dressing room and read my magazine while they shopped for me. I got 4 skirts that are thankfully knee length (very hard to find these days, or at least hard for me, most skirts are pretty short, well, I'm not the best shopper so maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places).

I also had to buy some shoes. Yes, I know in the past I've said that just because I wanted new shoes but seriously, I needed shoes with a 2 inch heel so my left leg is the same length as my right leg when I'm walking in my boot because I haven't been wearing those kinds of shoes and my right hip flexor is killing me. Since Nordstrom is across the street from WHBM I decided to go there. Which was the BEST decision ever.

I arrived at the shoe department looking confused and overwhelmed. Stephanie came up to me and said "you look like you need help". I explained what I wanted and within 5 minutes she had picked out two pairs of shoes for me that are appropriate for work and super comfortable (they are designed by an ortho, but they aren't ugly). The shoes aren't the typical style I would pick but once I tried them on I was like "I LOVE them!" Then she suggested some casual, not at work shoes. They were perfect too, and a good call. I never even thought about what shoes I would wear to, for example, walk down to the post office to drop off my netflix movies. And then I bought some shoes with pink flowers on them for when I get out of my walking boot.

In total I spent 15 minutes at Nordstrom and now won't have to go shopping for summer shoes again for a few years. If you're having shoe angst I highly recommend a visit to Stephanie. She's at the cherry creek nordstrom. I swear she will look at your feet for a minute, ask a few style questions, and find you the perfect shoe.

eggs, traffic apocolypse and, spoiler alert, my foot is still broken

I went to see my ortho today and unfortunately all my efforts were in vain in curing my foot - the bone is still broken and I'm in my walking boot for another 2 weeks. My doctor seemed confused as to why I might think my foot would be better after two weeks. I tried to explain to him that I have super human healing powers. He didn't buy it. But he did say the new lump in my foot is bone growth over the fracture. So, some progress.

My cube mate C is struggling with hypothyroidism which I happen to know about because I have relatives who have that. I bought her some books that are useful and put in little tabs for the important pages (she's not much of a reader). To thank me she brought me some eggs from her neighbor's chickens. They even still had feathers on them they are so fresh.

feather fresh! I'm going to make an omelet for dinner tonight

 The big excitement for the week was Wednesday. I was planning to work late because I had had a dentist appointment that morning. One second the skies were bright and sunny. I was focused on my architecture. The next second a bunch of people were rushing into my cube so they could look out my window. I was annoyed and about to yell at them when someone yelled "there it is!" I turned around to see an oddly colored sky...and a tornado! C was like "hurry up and pack up and get out of here!" The few of us left in the office hastily gathered our things and as I was headed to the exit a loud alarm started going off. One of the developers I work with grabbed my arm and dragged me toward the door (I'm fast in my walking boot but I can't run unless someone drags me). I got out just in time. Everyone who was still in the building ended up in tornado shelter jail for 1 1/2 hours.

I managed to get to my car without blowing away or being struck by lightning which was more of a challenge than it appears to be in this writing. A REALLY loud siren started going off as if the end of the world was upon us. Then the hail started.

6th Ave was a NIGHTMARE. Every traffic light was out. It was hailing so hard it looked like it was snowing. Major Jake is okay though :) Then grass and leaves from the trees were blowing all over the place and it was hard to see. I started thinking that maybe I should have stayed at work. It was scary. Every time I came to a stop on the road I could feel Major rocking back and forth from the force of the wind.

Then I got to Havana and there were tree branches all over the road. Finally exiting onto Colfax I saw 3 traffic lights still working and thought "I'm home free." Um, nooooo. After the first three lights all the traffic lights were out. I had to pull over twice for fire trucks. I got to Monaco parkway (to get off Colfax), got stuck in more traffic-lightless traffic. But the lights were working on 18th Ave and I thought "NOW I'm home free." Until I got to the block before 18th crosses Colorado. Colorado was closed because of flooding. I'll spare you further details about driving down narrow residential streets and the endless lines of cars. I finally cut through City Park and got to Downing. 2 1/2 hours later I was finally home.

The people who got stuck in the tornado shelter all suffered hail damage. My cube mate C had her damage appraised today - $3,000.

I think I will start telecommuting on storm days :)

And someone I work with sent me this to cheer me up about my foot. I had to read it twice before I got it but then I found it funny, especially because at my previous job I worked with a guy who kind of looked like Ernie so everyone called us Ernie and Bert (I was Bert because Bert has asperger's).

was Bert jewish? I think it would be nice if sesame street had an MOT representative

security questions for people with asperger's

You know how banks and shit are coming up with harder to guess security questions and you have to pick at least 5 questions? Am I the only aspie who has an issue with this? And can't they hire someone who has asperger's to make up some of the questions so I don't have to write down my answers to my security questions because I made them up?

E.G.

Normal person question:

Who was your best friend when you were a child?

Aspie question:

What was the license plate number of the car your family owned when you were a child?

Normal person question:

What was the name of your favorite childhood pet?

Aspie question:

Which animal were you an expert on when you were 8?

Normal person question:

Who was your favorite teacher?

Aspie question:

Where was your favorite place to hide from everyone when you were in school?

Normal person question:

Where is your favorite place to vacation?

Aspie question:

What was the number of the last credit card you had to cancel because some bag of dicks in China charged $10,000 worth of stuff to aforementioned card?

 Any web site using personal questions for security, feel free to use my questions.

Right. Foot.

I can't tell if my right foot is getting better. It's still pretty swollen and it's now almost completely covered in a bruise.

I need a pedicure

fucking swollen foot

Annoyed.

oh this must just be my normal life

Today I went to see my ortho to get the results of my MRI. Good news is that my tendons and ligaments are fine. Bad news is I have a lot of fluid build up around my stress fractures so my doc thinks I'll be in my walking boot for 6 weeks. Which is like forever. He also seemed a little shocked that I consider walking 6 miles a day taking it easy. He told me to stop doing that. And didn't yell at me. And said that he's concerned about the "substantial build up of fluid" in my foot.

Sigh.

He's a very nice doctor though and he gave me some tips for walking in my walking cast and said he wants to see me in two weeks to re-evaluate. Maybe if I'm really, really good I can get my walking cast off sooner. My foot is already doing a lot better than it had been. I thought he might hand me off to the foot doctor who will be back in two weeks but he said he'll continue seeing me until I'm better. I thought that was nice.

Not being able to be active is having a weird effect on my brain. For instance, my latest obsession, no doubt caused by my lack of exercise...

I've been watching movies with the captions turned on and taking notes when a critical piece of dialog is not conveyed in the subtitle to first do statistical analysis to see if there's a pattern to the missing information and second to see if the bad subtitles are more common in certain genres of film because I watch a lot of foreign films and on Sunday I was struck by the thought that I might be missing important things because of bad captioning. Also, I thought I could start a web site for deaf people to let them know about the important stuff left out of the captioning that they might want to know about. So far I've done this for High Water, Blackfish, the dvd for last year's shark week (it's 6 shows on great whites), and Son of Rambow.

Someone, who shall remain nameless, said my idea is stupid and that deaf people wouldn't watch any movies I watch.

Maybe he's right.

upgrades and downgrades

I went to see an orthopedic doctor about my foot on Wednesday. He gave me a walking boot and said the stupid shoe I was wearing was doing nothing to protect my injury.

stupid walking shoe

my foot a week after the injury - and this was taken AFTER I iced it

new walking cast - everyone at work is making fun of me and saying I'm trying to dress like a storm trooper - when I told my dad he said "may the force be with you" - haha!

The two upsides to my doctor visit are that my foot is feeling better and not swelling as much and the doctor I saw was so fucking hot. He agreed to see me even though he's a hand and elbow doctor because it was an emergency. And he made time in his schedule tomorrow to go over my MRI results (had to get an MRI because he's worried I have a blood clot or tendon damage in my foot on top of the break).

He also said "oh you must be a runner" and I was like "why?" and he said "you've obviously had a bunch of stress fractures in your foot". He said my foot is in pretty crap condition due to my history of broken toes and, um, over training a little bit. But he said he found my foot interesting.

In other news, there was PINSM mayhem at the office on Monday when some people found out that I had done a PINSM for the team in Georgia. They said only my office was allowed to have PINSMs. So I explained that I had actually given the Georgia team a fake PINSM. Luckily I was so busy and tired by the end of my trip last week (my fitbit said I averaged 4 1/2 hours of sleep - I had to be in the office at 630 and wasn't leaving until 630 -7 and I had a hard time sleeping because my foot hurt) that I had forgotten to put the trademark symbol on the PINSM.

That calmed them down. At least for now. And my new boot seems to be distracting them from the PINSM.

the trip from hell

I've really lost my travel skills. I'm in Georgia this week for a work trip and it's been a disaster from day one, with the exception of my visit with my uncle Joe and and Sri, who live here in Georgia.

I realized as I was driving to the airport early Sunday morning that I forgot my phone charger. Then I left my GPS and printed driving directions on the passenger seat of my car (I haven't gotten much sleep in the past 3 weeks because of work, so I blame that). Then there was a huge line to check bags (I had to check my bag because frontier now charges to put it in the overhead and the cost is more than a checked bag). 35 minute wait to check a bag. Ridiculous.

Then security was a mess. Even though I got to the airport 1 hour and 45 minutes early I didn't get to the gate until 25 minutes before my flight took off. The guy I was sitting next to farted the whole flight.

Then I went to retrieve my bag from the baggage claim at atlanta airport. Some rude little chinese dude shoved me out of the way as I was trying to get my bag to get his bag and then dropped his bag on my right foot. I was not in his way, he was just being a dick. He left before I could punch him.

Anyway, I pulled up directions to my uncle's house on my phone and figured, hey, I'll use my phone gps. The directions were long, I got lost, and my uncle had to come get me and have me follow him back to his house. Which is a really cool house with lots of land. My aunt Sri has 6 gardens and grows tons of food. We had a salad and green beans from the garden and my aunt Sri made me an icepack for my foot, which was starting to swell.

I headed to the town where I'm working around 5 pm with printed directions that my uncle Joe made for me (he also made me repeat the directions 3 times back to him before I left to make sure I didn't get lost). I had realized as I was leaving his house that I forgot to also bring my laptop power supply so I stopped to buy one (it didn't work with my laptop, and they have different laptops here, so I'm laptopless).

Around that time my foot was hurting badly. But I did some checking and all the urgent care places were closed. I figured it would be better by morning but it was worse. I had to wear my running shoes to work because I couldn't get my right foot into any other pair of shoes I had packed. I was meeting the project sponsor and I was freaking out but she was cool about my running shoes even though everyone else was dressed really nicely.

At the end of today I decided to get my foot x-rayed. I went to an emergency room that was close to my office. Everyone was really nice to me, including a nurse named Scarlett who let me fake smoke while I was getting my x-rays.

I was texting with a friend of mine when a nurse suddenly showed up in my room carrying crutches. I was like oh, no, those are NOT for me. She was like yeah they are sunshine, you have a hairline fracture. I asked to see the doctor and we then had a protracted discussion and negotiation about what they were going to do about my fracture which involved me lying and saying I would keep my foot elevated and not walk much or take the stairs or carry heavy things like my work back pack. In the end I talked the doctor into giving me a walking boot. I was told by Scarlett that they came in blue so I was like at least it will be a pretty color but the doctor came back with a black boot and said they were out of blue boots and out of my size so not only is my boot ugly, it's too big. I think he was kind of pissed at me for not taking the crutches. He told me to make sure my toes don't turn black and warned me to check for blood clots in my leg after my flight home (??????).

Scarlett helped me get the boot on and then took me right to my car door in a wheel chair. It was ridiculous. And then I accidentally set off my car alarm where the car honks the horn loudly and Scarlett was laughing instead of helping me figure out how to turn off the alarm and then she forgot to lock the wheels of the wheel chair I was in so I almost ate shit when I stood up and we were laughing and basically causing a scene in the parking lot. People who were rushing into the ER stopped and stared at us until I finally was able to get into my car.

Will show a pic of my ugly boot if it ever transfers from my phone to my email. And the hospital called my sister because I forgot my pain prescription which was for a pain killer I told them I was allergic to. Sigh.

I'll have to save the fart story that happened today for tomorrow. I need to track down some food for dinner.

funny Friday

Today I was told I had to add the following "caution" to my email signature:

Caution: This message may contain competitive, sensitive or other non-public information not intended for disclosure outside official channels. Do not disseminate this message without the approval of the Office of the Assistant Secretary of Acquisition. If you received this message in error, please notify the sender by reply e-mail and delete all copies of this message.

I rewrote it and  fake attached it to some emails I sent to people I'm friends with in the office (I wasn't really drinking):

Caution: This message may contain silly, nonsensical, or annoying data not intended for disclosure outside official channels, of which there are none. Do not disseminate this message to squirrels or other rodents. If you received this message in error, and you are a snake, you should go to hell and die. If you received this message in error please delete all copies of this message so people won't realize I was drinking when I wrote it.

And NO ONE noticed. 

So then I was emailing with my friend Dorothy and told her what I did. She sent the following back, which happened at my old company:

I got an invite/agenda to a conference from a [REDACTED] Commissioner that was really a mock up that his admin and support staff had created that had stuff like " 8:00 AM - 9:00 AM Results of  the Biggest Tits Contest; 9:00 AM - 10:00 Keynote Speaker: Topic: Who Gives A Fuck."  Apparently the folks that did the mock up were having some fun but saved it on a shared drive that the Commissioner had access to and when someone asked about the draft agenda he saw this file and sent it out. A few hours later a new agenda came out from the Commissioner and I later found out the people involved in the "draft" were canned. Of course I hadn't even opened the first email because I knew I wouldn't be going to OK or AL or wherever it was, but when the second email came out with a "DISREGARD THE PREVIOUS EMAIL" as the subject line I had to go open it to find out what the big deal was.

Those of us in the office that received the invites had a good laugh (but those that created it sure didn't). 

 I like to have a good laugh on a Friday...

  

rain apocalypse

Today we had the rain apocalypse. I went to Jess' salon to get my hair cut and repinked then we were going to walk to the big wonderful because Edge was working there. As we got ready to leave it started raining, hard. The street was flooded in 15 minutes. Then it started hailing. After about 35 minutes the rain stopped so we hurried to the big wonderful before it started raining again.

this was some not fucking around hail - I thought Jess was going to cry, but she laughed

the streets were so flooded we had to walk 3 blocks out of our way, and then down an alley, to get to the big wonderful

then the sewers started overflowing

this water is flooding even the side walk - it was about 8 - 10 inches deep

there were sections of the road where the cars couldn't drive because the water was too deep

poor brazilian street food tent...Edge had waterfront property - that's hail on the black umbrella

the ground was a muddy mess so Jess and Edge decided to pack up - they had been told that the vendors couldn't leave but these were extreme circumstances so they let us leave - Jess and Edge drove through the big wonderful which was pretty cool - I was in front of them walking to get all the drunk idiots out of the way

my favorite part was when Jess was dumping out the water in the hand washing station cooler thing (the blue thing in the pic) and she turned to me and said "where should I dump this water out?" HAHAHA And then she offered me a bottle of water and when I declined it she said "yeah, you've probably had enough water for today"

a PINSM birthday!

Today is my birthday. My colleagues made me a birthday PINSM, which is the first birthday PINSM ever:

I'm allergic to honey - I like that they only put 6 candles on the cake

And I made a PINSM for my colleague Dave because he got me a head set for my phone for my birthday (well, he requisitioned it from the equipment room and set it up for me). The back was a thank you for setting up the head set. The front has a picture of a penguin wearing a phone head set saying "I just hope no one calls. I don't have any ears."

As for my celebration plans, I made three plans with three different people. All fell through. So I think I'm going to get a little drunk and watch nitro circus. I love Travis Pastrana.

more PINSMs

Post it note social media is a huge success in the office! It even has its own acronym now, PINSM (pronounced pin-sim).

This was for the guy who works at the help desk who let me jump the queue so I could get my VPN fixed. And now my colleagues are giving the help desk PINSMs because I get the best service. Front and back shown:

this is really the back but this is the side I put facing up on his computer

this is the side that is displayed

His response was “she’s kind of weird but I like it.” He put it on his monitor.

So then a guy who does legal for contracts asked me for a PINSM. This was his:

the background is a penguin saying "hi"; the last line says PINSMs cause cancer in rabbits

 I made this for my cube mate C. She and I should never have been sat together, we get up to all kinds of mischief. I made this after a guy I work with snuck up behind me as I was engrossed in a diagram and then sprayed me with that dust off aerosol spray (he had it because I told him I would not get anywhere near his computer until he cleaned all the dust off of it). I made him read the warning label out loud and then accused him of dousing me with toxic chemicals:

aforementioned dust guy then said I was not allowed to say I'm a puffin because puffins are cooler than penguins so I thought to redraw my PINSM; and then I was like "hold on a fucking minute, I invented PINSMs, I can be a puffin if I want to"

This is my latest PINSM invitation, from a colleague who spends more time chatting with people than being my subject matter expert:

as it turns out, he's also an expert on snails; his grandmother raised them or some shit like that - I'm not sure why the snail is barfing but I think it was an attempt at creative humor that sucked

Tomorrow is a big day at the office because my sister in law made me some custom sugar cookies to take into the office. Everyone is going to love them. I better get at least one PINSM about the cookies.

jazz fest redux

Today I did a 5k with my friend Dorothy and then I met up with Jess and Edge for the five points jazz fest. Since I worked it last year and it was their first event I thought it would be fun to see how much everything had changed.

A lot had changed. Last year we didn't really know what we were doing. This year we were like a well oiled machine. Though I fucked up the second I got to the tent.

There was a guy in the tent who was talking to Jess. I realized Jess was uncomfortable but I thought it was because the guy was going over the food tent with a fine tooth comb. I was like "hey, I'm Franki, who are you?" and he said (I thought) "I'm Jerry and I'm with the help team." I knew Jess was going to be bringing other people to help this year and for some reason I thought "he must be part of Jess' mentor program and is here to help streamline our process even more."

So as Jerry was criticizing something that seemed to me irrelevant I decided to try to engage him in conversation again. "You must be like a total specialist in restaurant stuff," I said. He gave me a look that was possibly meant to bring on my imminent death. "I am," he said. Jess was giving me a look too but I couldn't figure out what it meant.

I moved to the back of the tent and took a puff off my fake cigarette. He looked at Jess and said "she isn't going to be smoking in the tent is she?" I was like what a fucking bag of dicks this guy is. And I'm going to have to work with him all day. I already want to punch him in the face.

Then another guy came into the tent and was like "let's move along Jerry". As it turns out, Jerry was with the health inspector team (he said "health team" not "help team"). When I found that out I burst out laughing and explained to him my misunderstanding. He cracked a small smile, perhaps because I was laughing like a lunatic because I was so embarrassed. Anyway, we passed inspection (Jess is as anal as I am, no surprise there). But all day I think she was worried that they might come back. I think I scared them away with my stupidity.

Everything was going along smashingly until it started raining. Suddenly the day went from warm to cold and my back and shoes were completely soaked. It rained for about 30 minutes. Total suck.

Everyone is probably tweeting "this sucks" on their phones

really rain? really?

Anyway, I'm not as sore as I was last year, and there seemed to be less idiots than last year, and there were no fights in the street. My neighbor even stopped by to say hi. All and all it was another successful jazz fest except for the stoned idiots playing bongo drums right across from our tent and having to breathe in charcoal smoke coming from the vendor next to us.

the many, many monitors

The poor gangly white kid just can't win.

I have gone through a protracted argument since I arrived at my new job with my EM (equipment manager) to get rid of three monitors so I only have one to look at. Apparently I was seen as a little ungrateful for not want four huge monitors. I realize they are expensive and they're seen as a status symbol in my office (the more monitors you have the more important you are) but I found them fucking annoying.

Anyway, I finally unhooked the monitors on Monday and piled them unceremoniously at the end of my cube desk to ensure the EM knew I meant I didn't want them anymore. This caused me great stress for days as it made my desk look messy. Finally on Thursday the EM said he would take them back to the warehouse.

Meanwhile, gangly has for some reason imprinted himself on me and decided that, since his haircut didn't get him any street cred, maybe eliminating one of his two monitors would. So around the time I unplugged my three monitors he unplugged one of his and used the same excuses I did (headache, nausea, feelings of claustrophobia, not used to looking at screens since I don't have a tv, fear they will fall on me, etc.).

I'm not sure who organized this, but either on Thursday evening after I left work (which is improbable since I didn't leave until 7 PM) or Friday morning (I didn't get in until 7 AM so that's more likely) someone (or, I'm guessing many people) unhooked all but a single monitor so every desk in my cube area only has one monitor.

And guess where they put the unhooked monitors.

Poor gangly showed up today to a cube so full of monitors there wasn't even a place for him to sit down.

Not sure what happened to the rest of the monitors in his cube but I know for a fact mine went back to the warehouse.

post it note social media is taking off!

I have received these post it note social media posts in the past few days.

a colleague finally realizes the easiest way to socialize with me is to put the social interaction on a post it note - note that the office is divided between people who identify with puffins and people who identify with penguins - my penguin should have longer legs to be accurate

penguins generally wear glasses and have no social skills - also, we seem to be worse at drawing than the puffins

Also, some people have been taking a test to see if they are aspies. I thought I had sent them the link to the test I took but the internet of things at work wasn't letting me open the link. It turns out it was a different test than the one I took.

I still failed (or passed? let's have some positivity here).

 Ahem.

I passed the aspie test.

Jake has nine lives too

My friend Jess sent me this picture this morning:

if that branch had crushed Jakey I would have had to kick its ass

Lots of branches are down in my neighborhood too. Good job snow!

puffins

Today I was having a conversation with a colleague about the movie Four Lions and I accidentally said "penguin" instead of "puffin".

Me: blah blah blah penguin
C: you mean puffin
Me: what, are you an expert on puffins now? do you own a puffin?
C: no, and now I realize why I have this empty space in my life, it's because I don't have a puffin
Me: I could draw you a puffin, I am quite the artist
C: great, a non-interactive puffin, how will a piece of paper participate on social media?

So I went back to my cube and drew a puffin with a conversation bubble coming out of it's mouth that said "sorry I have asperger's". He put it next to his monitor. And I'm still laughing about it.

from a creature great to a creature small (and annoying)

On Saturday I was working in my back yard and some crack head fucking squirrel went into my garage. It took me forever to get him out and he was scaring me because he was running around on the garage beams right above my head and I didn't want it to jump on me and bite me causing me to have to get rabies shots.

Then last night I got home from work to find a mess in my garage. Things were knocked over, paper was shredded, and my favorite spray bottle was on the floor. At first I thought someone had broken into my garage.

I realized, after seeing some wiring that was chewed all to shit that was hanging out of a plastic storage container on a high shelf that it was a squirrel. I was like "that's fucking great" and I took the broom and started poking around at the stuff on my shelves and the dark space behind the shelves. I was pretty pissed because it was late, I was tired, and I wanted to work out, not look for a squirrel.

I left the door open, went into my house, changed, and went back out to the garage. I figured in the 10 minutes that had elapsed the stupid squirrel would have left my garage. I pulled the container with the chewed up wires down so I could clean up what ever mess was in it. I would mention I had shaken the container three times before pulling it down.

Right as the container was sliding off the shelf a fucking squirrel jumped out. It was headed towards my face so I looked down and it landed on my head. Then it scampered off to hide behind a plastic wardrobe where I keep my skis and stuff.

I didn't want to drive to Ace hardware to get a cage to trap it so I texted my dad. He first suggested I get Bentley to take care of the squirrel, and then suggested I use the hose to scare the squirrel out of hiding. I hooked up the hose and sprayed the crap out of every conceivable squirrel hiding place.

I didn't see the squirrel leave but this morning there was no more garage destruction. So I guess it's gone. Meanwhile, this weekend I'm cleaning the garage out and reconfiguring it so squirrels have nowhere to hide.

Fucking squirrels. I hate you.

and now for some big news - I bought a tiger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and was bitten by a bear

I was contemplating getting a pet. I was thinking to get a dog, but then was also thinking about how I've always wanted a tiger.

And...a tiger is tax deductible, won't poop in my yard, and won't get hair all over the place.

Dog - 0            Tiger - 1

I spent months researching sanctuaries. I finally found one I like, outside Colorado Springs. And then I found my perfect tiger.
 

So, you might think I'm bias, but I think Bentley is the best looking tiger in the sanctuary, if not the world :) I toured the sanctuary today and then hung out with Bentley for an hour. He did a lot of cute things.

He's two years old, 6 feet tall, and they guess he weighs about 500 lbs (obviously it's hard to weigh a tiger). He's not on the normal sanctuary tour because he's shy and usually doesn't come out when people are around but he came right up to the fence when I got there. He even chuffed at me a few times. Chuffing is how tigers talk to each other and it sounds like they are grunting but also growling. It's kind of hard to explain...

Bentley was just chilling out under his structure when I first arrived

I was like "hey Bentley" and surprisingly he came over

 

Bentley having a discussion with his neighbor - he was probably like "yeah, I got adopted biotch!" and his neighbor was like "she's too skinny to eat, fuck her!"

I was telling Bentley about Bringing Up Baby and he was like "yeah, that's pretty accurate tiger behavior"

Here I asked Bentley if he ever watches tiger documentaries and he's like "I'm too cool for school - no"

I mentioned to him that tigers can't eat pizza or sushi - he seemed upset at first but in the end was okay with that

Bentley's brother is to the right - I hate to say it but Bentley's better looking

I don't care if he was stretching because I was boring him - he's too adorable

this is him giving me his "fierce" look

here I asked him to give me the "tiger" look

I have a phone meeting with the experience director to decide on some toys for him. I definitely want to get him a ball in ball toy (it's a round doughnut looking thing that has holes and a small ball within the doughnut area and the tiger can bat the inner ball around via the holes - according to my research it's a favorite among tigers) and a ball with bells in it (tigers like toys that make sounds). Most of the tigers just have 16 lb bowling balls. They love bowling balls for some reason. 

As for feeding...Bentley is served a frozen meat brick. They chuck the meat bricks over the fence. The fence is really high. I need more time on my rower to build up my arm strength. Not sure how to improve my aim, I don't want to hit Bentley with a meat brick. Tigers can eat up to 60 lbs of meat in one sitting. That's a lot of meat to chuck over a 20 ft fence.

I can go see Bentley when ever I want (within reason), I just have to call and schedule it. The meet and greet (my brother Bob wanted to ensure it wasn't a "Meat and Greet") means you can get close to Bentley but you can't touch the fence or him. There are very strict laws regarding the handling of wild animals for any organization that wants an accreditation. You aren't allowed to handle wild animals after they are three months old because it could endanger the animal or the person. I'll be going out to see him at least once a month (honestly, probably more often if they let me).

After visiting Bentley the guide, Kristy, asked if I wanted to play with a 3 month old black bear. Um, YES!!!! 

Little did I know. She kept climbing into my lap and her (not retractable) claws are pretty sharp. She also climbed up my leg which was more painful than I would have imagined (baby bears like to climb everything taller than them, including people and other bears). 

The handler told me not to put my face anywhere near the bear's face but it was kind of hard to control the bear. Imagine a toddler on a double dose of crack cocaine washed down with a case of red bull and that's the energy level of a baby bear. The little scamp even bit me on the hand. After 5 minutes I was like "okay, done with the bear".

But I might buy her too...

Here comes trouble...with claws..and teeth

She wanted to sit in my lap. Given her weight she wasn't exactly a lap bear (she's heavier than she looks). And she wanted to eat my necklace.

And my phone...

Here she's trying to jump from my lap to the floor

since the handler had my phone she decided to eat the phone holder...kind of cool to have a phone holder with bear bite marks

 More Bentley (and maybe bears) coming soon...