I was wondering what that hole in my exterior wall was for...

Neal did get the hole he drilled through my wall patched up quickly.

This is what it looks like from the outside.

Will be nice to have a REAL vent in my kitchen. Like for the times I accidentally cook mac and cheese in the microwave for 15 minutes instead of 1.5 minutes on accident.

Looks good! I was worried but I think this "beam enhancement" will be pretty cool! Though, guess who gets to paint the ceiling. Again.

I've decided Christine is a bad influence on me

My kitchen designer Christine took me to a granite remnant place today to pick out a remnant for my bathroom cabinet. Since I've blown my budget in the kitchen I wanted to try to stay on budget for my bathroom.

Alas.

Well, we'll see how the pricing comes back...

I loved this slab but Christine was like "I can see you at 1 o'clock in the morning cleaning all those holes with a toothbrush." Hm. She knows me too well.

Interesting pink river stone slab. It's the lowest ranked slab on my list, but still kind of cool.

Christine and I both loved this slab. I think my dad will like it too. He likes rocks.

Christine insisted we get a price on this even though I know it's out of my budget (a slab of this costs $20,000). I told her any granite named after an artist (this is DaVinci) is way too expensive for me.

I just took a picture of this because it looks like there are exploding penii in the middle of it.

I REALLY loved this slab but it's unfortunately too small.

While this looks kind of meh it's a granite that has been treated to give it a leather like feel. It looks much cooler in real life.

more holes...in the floor

I don't know why, but I'm kind of freaked out that my plumber Joseph drilled holes in my floor today. I guess it's like the "no turning back" point for my kitchen.

And he and Neal keep asking me questions like "which side of the sink do you want the garbage disposal to be on?" and "how many light switches do you want on this wall?"

Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know!!!! Left! No, right! Did you interpret that as my left or your left since we're standing on opposite sides of my fake island which is really just a picture Neal drew on the floor???????

To make matters even more interesting, some teenage boys have been hanging around. Neal keeps going out to his truck because he's afraid they're trying to steal his tools. This afternoon I was on a conference call and happened to look out my upstairs window. One of the kids was standing on my front porch with his hand on my safety door. He was making hand signals at someone I couldn't see. So I went down, yanked open the inside door, tried to dramatically yank open the safety door (it was locked, thank you Joseph!) and yelled at the kid "what are you doing on my front porch?!?"

He looked shocked, then said he was waiting for a friend. I was like "wait somewhere ELSE". He left and didn't come back. But I was talking to my neighbor later in the afternoon and he saw the kids coming out of a house three houses down from our building (known drug dealer but the cops haven't done anything about him yet). I called our local cop and hopefully they will step up drive bys.

Usually I have no worries because I park in my garage, but I can't park there until the cabinets are installed. Luckily after this week Jake will be at the airport. They have really good security there. And I took the precaution of removing everything from my car just in case it gets broken into.

dust bowl

Today Neal made more holes in my kitchen. I had a HGTV moment when we realized that he can't run the exhaust for the stove up through my room because the pipe would be 6 inches away from the brick wall. I was like holy fuck that's going to look like a stripper pole in my bedroom.

So then he thought he would run it across the ceiling. Not entirely crazy about the idea but what's a girl to do. He called a guy who's apparently going to cut a hole through the outside brick of my house. The idea terrifies me but...we'll see...I'm sure the guy cuts lots of holes through people's brick walls.

Meh.

Another hole. With yellow wires sticking out.

They built the soffit today. Of course my ceiling isn't plumb. Ech.

Neal cut this hole to see if he could run the exhaust for the stove above the ceiling. No dice. They did something fucky with the support beams and he can't cut through them. So the pipe will have to run under the beam seen at the top right edge of this picture. I hope it doesn't look insane.

They pulled out the bathroom vanity today too. Forgot I have to buy a sink and faucet. I'm just going to start referring to my remodel budget as my remodel "budget".

Electrical panel. It looks like an evil doomsday device.

Abbi resurfaces in a heart warming letter

I'm not always a cynical cranky bitch.

Last year I actually arrived at the airport on time and ended up meeting a girl named Abbi who was planning to ride her bike across the US to raise money for Avenues, a shelter for homeless kids. I made a donation and a few weeks later she sent me a really nice thank you note.

Then, last night when I got home, I had a letter from her:

And it turns out she's moved to Colorado. I'm definitely going to meet up with her (we can ride bikes!). The letter was very thoughtful but the "art" she made really touched me:

I'm going to have it framed and I'm going to hang it in my new kitchen so I can see it every time I get home.

less holes in the floor, more holes in the walls

Apparently bigger holes are easier to re-drywall than smaller holes.

All the junction boxes for the outlets and light switches are in place!

And the floor has been mostly replaced, except for where the appliances are going to go.

let it snow!

In case you're wondering, it did snow in Denver. Of course it's melted.

don't answer business emails whilst pooping

Yesterday I received an email from an ex client regarding a macro in the software tool I supported at my old job:

Phil (the client):
[My ex company] responded saying that it is not possible to set print defaults. Word uses a template for Reports that run on a Macro. There is no way to modify these.dot files.” Naturally my first thought went to you – knowing that nothing is “not possible” for a Dark Knightress. So, what do you think, oh mighty one? Should I just suck it up or should I try to nuts with their .dot file?

Me:
That doesn't sound right. I can't test my theory since I don't have a copy of the software but I know the guy who wrote the macro. Let me ping him and get back to you.

Me to Pascal:
Does this sound right?

Pascal (who responded while I was sleeping since he's in the UK):
Leave it with me. I know Paul very very well. Do you mind if I reply to him?

Then Pascal responded to Phil before I could respond that the client is named Phil, not Paul. I should mention Phil is a Captain in the Navy (i.e. very high ranking). At first I wasn't worried when I saw the salutation was to someone named Phil. Then I read the rest of the email.

Pascal:
The Hominator left [my ex company]?????
Phil,
You are a cad and a bounder for
1.        not telling us you were planning on or had left [my ex company
2.        Not coming to yer old muckers for help on [my software tool I supported]
I can answer your question but being as what you didn't ask us first I shan't…so there….

Phil (who cc:ed Paul):
Hi Pascal,
I’m sure you are thinking of my unrelated namesake in the UK, Paul [Last Name]. He, by coincidence, is also a senior Enterprise Architect. He and I have exchanged emails and architectures on occasion, but never met. As far as I can tell, dear Paul is still keeping [my ex company] afloat and would never leave without the proper goodbyes.

The Homanator – I like it. 

Paul:
Hi John, sorry... Jack, no I mean Joshua... oh whatever  ... Mr Pascal.

Still here... haven't left... and wouldn't dare ask a question of anyone else other than you of course...  well that was until you couldn't remember my name ;-))

Regards
Paul  

Pascal (to me):

Good lord! I have embarrassed myself here haven't I!?

Me:

I am still laughing!

Pascal (to me):

Fortunate it was a friendly recipient. Just proves that you should be careful when sending jokey emails late evening via a small screen while sat on the crapper…….

Me:

You were pooping? That's even funnier!

Pascal:

He he. I aim to please!

walls and corn mazes

Today Neal framed in the wall where most of the cabinets will be:

To get away from the noise I went on a fruitless search for a cover for my Samsung tablet, and then went down to the botanic gardens at Chatfield because they have a corn maze.

I was going to go into the corn maze but there were way too many people with strollers and little kids. I'll have to go during the week.

Scary black thing sticking out of the maze

It you went this way you'll never get out of the maze because it's a dead end. You'll probably die of starvation. Or you will have to subsist on raw corn.

demo is done

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my kitchen -1 to d day

Here are pictures of my kitchen, which will be demolished tomorrow.

Taken from the balcony, looking down into the kitchen. The cabinets are currently being held up partially by a PVC pipe.

From the balcony. This stupid wall blocks the view from the living room into the kitchen. I HATE this wall.

From the living room looking into the kitchen. The wall blocks the flow of the downstairs and blocks the light. It's annoying.

Standing to one side of the wall looking into the kitchen. The cabinets against the window are actually blocking part of the window. It looks like shit. Those cabinets will be removed.

Standing at the door looking into the kitchen. Where the wall is now will be an island with a bar at the end of it. And I'll finally be rid of those cheap, shitty cabinets. That are falling off the wall.

This open shelving right outside the kitchen will be made into a pantry with cabinets. I can't stand having these open shelves. They look trashy.

The way these cabinets were mounted was about the worst construction ever. The bricks will be covered with a concrete something (like drywall, but it's concrete) so the cabinets will be securely mounted I won't have to clean brick dust off of everything all the time like I do now. Hundred year old bricks as a backsplash - BAD idea.

a murderer loose in my house

I sent this email to Pascal last night because he's a plant expert:

WTF?

I got home last night and noticed Forrester Sharpanov was turning black at the base. Then, I sit down to watch a movie, and it appears he died.

Is that plant blood?

 Pascal:

That looks like blood. It looks suspicious. Have you dusted for prints? Have you questioned the other plants and established alibis? One of those succulents was looming suspicious when I was there.

 I sort of suspect the Baby Toes Cult. They're like a combination of the mormons, evangelical christians, and scientologists.

We only LOOK innocent

demolition man

My kitchen demo kicks off Monday. Hooray! I'll post some pics of my kitchen tomorrow. Right now I'm busy drinking and packing.

Maybe not the best combination. At least I'll be surprised when I open the boxes I packed while drunk.

I should write a book on team building

The team I work with at my new job has been in storming mode for sure the past few months. That's why we got to spend an evening last week playing bocce ball.

It's frustrating because there's a huge lack of communication and people not getting along. So last night one of the team members arranged for us to have sushi. Along with us came a Brit who's working as a consultant for us. He's so professional and unruffleable I couldn't help but pick on him. After he sat down I said "So, are you really from UK or have you been faking that accent all along?"

That is not the typical way we talk to each other (my company is pretty formal) so he was taken aback. Then he said "I'm from Surrey" and I remembered a famous serial murderer case there from 2009 (don't ask me how - I can't remember my phone number) and T accused him of being a serial murderer. The night went down hill from there.

So this morning I sent out an email asking for some information. Normally no one responds but in this particular email I included a few sentences about how we discovered last night that our consultant was a serial murderer. Of course everyone responded because they wanted to make a serial murderer joke. Even my manager said "I don't think [my company] covers serial murderers as a protected group". (we employ gay and transgender people and they are considered "protected" as in you can't discriminate against them)

Then our poor consultant tried to respond that he was an upstanding citizen and had a clearance.

So I was like "HA! I knew you worked for MI-6!"

Later on I got an email from an executive director who had somehow gotten on the thread. He said "Congrats on your team building even if it's very unorthodox. I'd love to attend your next sushi dinner." He's a guy that usually ignores my group and does his own thing which makes extra work for us. Perhaps that's changing because he also sent me 3 work related emails and wants to collaborate with me on a cool project I'm working on.

It's funny. I was being low key at work because I'm new there and there's all kinds of political land mines that I keep stepping on. Lesson learned - sometimes being me is a good thing.

my first corporate hike, and of course we almost die

I've been nagging my colleagues and printing out topos for the past few months trying to get some people together to do a hike. Finally, one colleague, T, agreed to go on a hike with me this evening. She's training for a half marathon. I also invited two of my male colleagues. One simply said "I won't go hiking with you because you'll kill me." The other said "Well, how far are you going?" When I responded "Four miles" (I was lying, the trail was 7 miles) he said "But that's SO FAR!"

Um, what?

Anyway, the hike was beautiful, in an area called Las Trampas. They weren't kidding in the reviews about it being steep though. One woman started her trail review with "My butt still hurts!"

No, sillies, she was talking about being sore from hiking.

I said we would only hike until it started getting dark because I only had one headlamp and parts of the trail are narrow, densely wooded, with steep drop offs and I knew there was no moon tonight. But then we decided to go to the top ridge even though the sun was sinking fast. When we got there we saw two huge bald eagles. I thought they were kites at first they looked so unreal. The hills in front of us changed colors 5 times in 5 minutes as the sun set. Beautiful. (I need to bring my camera next time)

Then, as we descended from the ridge back into the woods I heard an owl. We looked up and saw it - it must have had a wing span of at least 6 feet. He was so cool. It was the biggest real owl I've ever seen. There wasn't enough light to take a picture unfortunately. We could hear him making owl whooing noises the rest of the descent down the trail. I am taking his sighting as a good omen.

We arrived back at the car right as it got really dark. I was so busy congratulating myself for my impeccable timing and speeding so my colleague could get back to her hotel to do some work that I almost missed the fuckwit deer that decided to run out of the woods and in front of my car. It's a little Mazda 2. Would not have been pretty. I slammed on the brakes and slowly turned in the direction I thought the deer was not going. The ABS sounded like it was full of gravel and about to explode and the car was sliding along the road with the deer running next to it. It was kind of James Bondish, as much as a car trick in a Mazda 2 can be James Bondish. I literally missed the deer by centimeters. My colleague didn't say anything for a second, and then she said "Did we ALMOST DIE?"

In my world, not really, but she was pretty shook up. Hopefully the story doesn't spread. I'd like to get more people out on hikes.

back to the fake clam counter top

So the smiley face the sequel counter top I picked out is not available until November. My kitchen is supposed to be done by the end of October. I was like fuck fucking fuck!

Then Christine found two slabs of the spring blossom (supposedly). She's going to order it today. If it's not in stock I have no fucking idea what I'm going to do for a counter top in my kitchen. Maybe I just won't have any. The only thing I use them for is a temporary resting place for wine bottles after I open them.

from underwear to star wars

I had a writer's group meeting on Saturday and one thing that always strikes me is how little some writers are able to visualize what they're writing. One guy I was working with had a meet cute scene in his book where a guy opens a car door and knocks his soon to be love interest over.

Being an aspie, I immediately went out side and measured the distance between my car door, the curb, and the side walk. I measure other cars to get a good sampling. I then created a diagram showing the guy that it would be impossible for the character in question to be knocked over by a car door because the door would be too short.

Do you think he changed his book? No. Which is why I rarely read fiction.

We were reading a scene in Kevin's screen play Saturday and he had a stage direction about a male character looking at a female character's back and seeing her underwear poking out above her jeans and thinking it was sexy. I was like "dude, that is so NOT sexy." Given the amount of travel I do I am exposed to women's underwear a lot more than I want to be. It is NOT sexy AT ALL to see some woman with low rider jeans with underwear hanging out the back. Of course all the guys disagreed with me. Then I said it should be star wars underwear if he was going to show underwear because that's the most unsexy thing I could think of.

Which might explain the dream I had last night...

I dreamed that I was living in a house that wasn't like my house at all. Suddenly my friend Blanchy showed up and I made us toast with butter on it. Then all these weirdly costumed women walked in and started eating the toast. I was like "who the fuck are you guys?" They sang a song that went:

As strange as this may sound
As interesting as this may be
We're the characters from star wars
It's a pretty good movie

Um, what?

I was like "stop eating all the toast" and one of the women said "and we're also going to sit in your favorite chair and buy your house." I woke up worried that someone had actually bought my house.

Then I drank some water and went back to bed (it was 3 am). I didn't have any more dreams that I remembered but that stupid song is still stuck in my head.

hotel amenities

Got to my room at the Hilton this evening and found this sitting on the edge of the bathtub:

It's like a toothbrush for the body.

I'd also like to mention the weird twenty something who checked me in. She was talking bizarrely, like one of those guys who make annoying commercials like "everything, EVERYTHING must GO!" The other two women behind the desk were staring at her. I wanted to say "would it bother you if I punched you in the face?"

gang related?

The police have had the street right outside my house blocked off for over two hours. Not sure what's going on but there's crime tape across the other side of the street and an ambulance and crime lab van showed up.

HP vs. me - I win

Projector is fixed. Terrorist attack averted. Even after half a bottle of wine I'm a pretty good engineer.

Will have to look into that "mercury" thing tomorrow. The old bulb exploded. Apparently I might have been exposed to mercury. I used gloves. I think I'll be okay.

If not, I'll give the mad hatter a run for his money.

HP launches a terrorist attack against me

Fuck you movie projector. You are the largest asshole on the planet.

I was watching Wings Of Desire and couldn't take it anymore (1 hour into it - movie sucks - and I like weird french films) so I put another movie in. Then I heard an explosion. I lost the picture. And my house started to smell like melted plastic and smoke.

WTF? I looked at my projector. Uh oh. Red lights are bad.

So, of course I decided to take my projector apart (after consulting the internet first). With my trusty tools.

This little tool kit, which you can't buy, can fix pretty much anything.

Except, apparently, my projector. Thanks for the useful graphic. Er, or not useful.

I hate my projector. It's supposed to be my friend. How am I supposed to block out the real world with exploding bulbs and stinking burnt plastic? I can't even begin to figure out what tool to use to remove the bottom screw.

Done and done. I'm going to bed. Will deal with this tomorrow. What else is going to go wrong this month?

BTW, projector, I can run you over with my car. Just so you know. Did I mention I hate you?

smiley face counter top

A few weeks ago I picked out a counter top for my kitchen remodel. I started calling it the smiley face counter because it has a bunch of faces in it:

When Christine went to order it she found out it's no longer being made (it's recycled quartz). Tres depressing. She called all over the place and then I did a search. The only place that still has the counter top is Vancouver, BC. I contemplated a drive there but don't have any vacation at work yet.

So then Christine found this for me. It's called Spring Blossom. No faces, but it's colorful:

And how about that fake clam!

She told me to go to Stone Collection to get a sample that I could take home. Stone Collection is the largest granite/stone warehouse in Denver. I went there and met a very cute guy who immediately informed met that Spring Blossom is also discontinued.

FUCK!

Sensing my angst, or perhaps because he saw me trip over a granite sample and cut my foot so badly it started bleeding, he offered to walk me through the granite warehouse. They have loads and loads of granite. It was overwhelming. Every time I saw something I liked he marked it on a little checklist.

When we got done he asked my price point. Then he complimented me on my good taste. Granite is rated from 1 (cheap) to 7 (costs more than God). I had picked out 2 7s and 2 slabs that weren't even priced (the rating said "exotic"). I had wasted an hour and a half for NOTHING.

Then I saw some Vettrazo counter tops. There's one made out of recycled skyscraper bits, one made from traffic lights, and this one, Alehouse Amber, made from recycled beer bottles:

I was like "I love that!" and the guy was like "um, that's going to cost four times your budget per square foot".

Wah.

Christine had also given me some miniature samples of quartz. I wasn't crazy about them until I got home and realized that my kitchen is being demolished in two weeks and I have no fucking counter top and I've been to the largest stone dealer in Colorado and hated everything but the stuff I can't afford and couldn't afford unless I was a multi-multi millionaire.

I looked at one of the samples...and noticed:

Smiley face counter top the sequel!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And men with sunglasses!!!!!!!

Yeah, it's a shitty picture. Do I look like someone competent enough to operate a camera? Trust me, the sample is SMALL.

Anyway, I think I'm going to order smiley face the sequel on Monday. If it's out of stock I will scream. And then cry.

I'm sure my writer friends will weigh in with their opinions, which I will ignore, because tomorrow Kevin invited everyone over to my house for dinner and a reading. We have a new member in our group, another woman to even things out a bit.

highlights from the weekend

• I was reading a magazine while waiting for Pascal at the airport. He walked right in front of me and made a scary noise, causing me to almost have heart failure. I thought that was kind of mean considering I had brought him banana pudding and a glass of wine to enjoy on the ride home.
• Pascal said I was under watering one of my plants and then criticized the way I watered it. Apparently you are supposed to put the plants in the sink and pretend to make it rain on them, and then leave them soaking in water for a few minutes. I stand corrected on my bad watering.
• We got into an argument about the difference between a capability, a service, and a product. I won.
• I showed Pascal a very cool spreadsheet I created using pivot table to determine a project's risk. He likes talking about pivot tables.
• We went hiking at Roxborough. It was over cast when we got there but I was like "it never rains in Colorado". Then it started raining. So I said "well, at least it's not a storm." Then we heard thunder. So I said "as long as there's no lightning we're okay." It started lightning. Luckily we made it back to the car safe and the sun came out at the end of the hike so Pasc got some really good pictures. We saw a ton of deer.
• Pasc suggested we go to a grocery store. He likes those places. Then he wanted to walk down all the aisles (up until our trip I've never been down most of the aisle in my grocery store). He knows how to fart in a way that sounds like a duck, so when I was trying to decide which dishwashing soap I wanted he started making duck farts. People in the aisle were looking at us. Pasc was staring off into space as if I was the one who was farting and he was just an innocent bystander.
• He made a stew with a full bottle of wine in it and some other stuff. He put it in the oven and we went to the british pub. For some reason the taps weren't working. We subsequently went to three more bars and encountered the same problem. I drank a british beer called...something...and after I took a swig of it Pasc said "the best thing about that beer is it will make you fart". Great. We accidentally stayed out two hours longer than we had planned having beers at different bars in LoDo. That's how the stew got a little over cooked. Pasc had insisted I buy flour because he thought the stew would be too watery. By the time we got home almost all the liquid was cooked out of it so he added more water just so he could use the flour that I had been carrying around LoDo in my backpack. It was heavy. I was like "I've been carrying this damn thing around for 3 hours, you better fucking use it".
• We got into an argument about spring rolls and egg rolls. It turns out that an egg roll is a subset of a spring roll. I never knew that. I lost the argument. But kicked Pasc's ass at spinjas so it didn't matter because spinjas are way more important than egg rolls.
• I showed Pasc the godfather, the city of lost children, and rosencratz and guildenstern are dead. They are some of my favorite movies. He fell asleep during them. I also introduced him to David Chappelle. 
• Pasc ate potato chips on my leather sofa and managed to get more of them on the sofa than in his mouth. He also got potato chip crumbs, inexplicably, on his shoulders and back. When he got up off the sofa there were crumbs everywhere except where he had been sitting. I eat potato chips on my sofa all the time and never get crumbs on it.
• I took Pasc to Wahoo's. He now likes fish tacos.
• We got carded at every bar we went to. Go us. Though, most of the time they couldn't find Pasc's birthday on his jacked up driver's license. But he was served anyway because he exaggerates his accent and is very flirty. Apparently most american women find a british accent very sexy.
• We spent 3 hours at the Denver Botanic Gardens and had lunch there. Pasc ordered chicken curry samosas and then spent 30 minutes explaining to me how they weren't really samosas and that they were made wrong.
• He introduced me to Eddie Izzard. We spent Sunday night laughing our asses off listening to him.

If you ever have the chance to host a brit I highly recommend it. Though, full disclosure, they tend to fart a lot.

british invasion

I haven't been writing lately because the brit came back again on Friday night. He left last night.

We had many adventures involving searching for breweries where the tap was actually working, going to the british pub in my neighborhood only to find out Pascal couldn't drink for free there (rather than letting brits drink free the bartender said they charge twice as much because brits are so rowdy), hiking in a storm (between Pascal and I we are probably the most likely people on the planet to be struck by lightning), eating stew that we overcooked because we were drinking and lost track of time (it was still really good), shopping for flour at the slum mart down the street (turns out we didn't need it because the stew was over cooked - also, the flour almost got rained on), and running amok at the Denver Botanical Gardens.

Details to follow.

Tomorrow my friend Neil arrives. He's coming for a Vietnam Vet reunion. I'm a popular hostess these past few weeks.

And I made the banana pudding. It was good. I am awesome at cooking. Er, cooking desserts. That don't require actual cooking.

my broken mirror

we are experiencing technical difficulties...

What a fucking day. First, I was all packed up and ready to head to the office when I realized I couldn't find my rental car keys. I've never lost my keys before. I madly searched my room, backpack, suitcase, and the backpack again when I remembered I had put my keys in a plastic grocery bag with my nectarines and blueberries when returning from the grocery last night.

I pulled the bag out of the trash and discovered a huge hole in the plastic bag.

Fuck.

So I went down to the front desk and asked if anyone had turned in rental car keys. They had. Happy day. But then the woman at the front desk refused to give me the keys.

Grrr.

Surprisingly I was able to remember the make and color of the car. I never remember that. I usually just head for the area where I know I parked and click the unlock button until I see the tail lights of the car blinking.

After much wrangling with the front desk and signing of papers saying I was the rightful owner (3 different docs the front desk woman typed up - really????) I was given my keys.

A half hour later, in the office, I get a call from Merry Maids. They managed to break a large mirror in my bedroom. A mirror they aren't even supposed to dust since they've broken so many other things in my house. Guess I'll get that sorted when I get home Friday.

A new hire was in the office across from mine. He belched all day like he was at a fraternity party and made grunting noises that sounded like he was giving birth. Even with my door closed I could hear him.

Then I spent 5 1/2 hours in a meeting with two "EA consultants" that were big on academic bullshit and small on "okay, how are we going to fucking do that in real life????"

And today I answered 3 emails about the old software tool I used to support since my customers from my previous job can't seem to get anyone at my old company to answer their questions. Gotta stop doing that. One of my customers also called me at 8 PM today and left a 5 minute message.

People. I don't work there anymore. Stop. Calling. Me.

an englishman in Colorado

This weekend I entertained a work colleague who is from Britain, Pascal. We have worked together for 6 years.

He is still on UK time even though he had been in the US for a week. So we ended up staying up until 3 am on Friday talking about Archimate. Saturday morning, early, like around 8 am, he lectured me for an hour on the style of brick laying used in my house. Apparently in the UK they use Flemish style for their brickwork. I forget what my house was. He also said I did the worst job ever patching the mortar in the bricks and pointed out to me the patch I used was not meant for patching mortar made in the 1880s because it's made of....something...and the patch I used is made of...something else...so they don't bond. I was kind of hung over and sleep deprived so that conversation was a blur.

To distract him from the bricks, for fear he would start removing my patches, I showed him a silver cigarette case that my friend Arthur gave me. He immediately looked up the symbols and established that the case was made in 1893 (I think that's what he said) and that it's good sterling silver. There was something about the lion stamp on the case (the raging lion? the up paw lion? the mad lion? it was the something lion) which established where the case was made (Birmingham, in UK).

At one point he said "I always yawn too when people are lecturing me and I'm bored".

I took him on Sunday to buy an iPad. I really wonder if that was a good idea. He looked up the stuff about the bricks and my cigarette case on his phone. Giving him a larger display may be the biggest disaster ever.

He comes back next weekend. He was eyeing my movie projector after talking about how he loves to take things apart. I think I'll take him out for some exercise so he won't damage any of the electronics in my house.

And, mad props to Pascie for his cooking. He made omelets (though he said my frying pan was "inadequate"), scrambled eggs, filet mignon, and he sharpened all of my kitchen knives after making disdainful comments about how I needed to sharpen them every week (I've never sharpened them and have owned most of them for over 5 years - hm, may get him to sharpen my ice axes and crampons so I can sleep in).

While drinking on Saturday night, around 2 am, I may have promised to make him banana pudding. Help, please.

Pascal, if you are reading this, you are NOT going to take apart my projector or my stereo. Ever. Comprende?

man pulls, part 2

I talked to my parents and my friends about buying the man pulls for my kitchen since they are ridiculously expensive.

And everyone, including my dad who is possibly the cheapest person on the planet, was like "you idiot, of course you should buy them".

So I did. Though, I can't believe I just paid $600 for three cabinet pulls. I'm never moving, and if I do I'm taking my man pulls with me.

hummingbirds

My cousin was on NPR talking about hummingbirds.

Which is cool because I love hummingbirds ever since I almost killed one who buzzed me when I was out on a balcony smoking (my dad and I were doing some 14ers and staying in a hotel in the mountains and I had a coconut gel in my hair - I thought the hummingbird was a big mosquito - I live in the city dudes and had never seen a hummingbird before).

I had a hummingbird feeder in my yard, hung from my neighbor's tree which used to be in my yard until it fell and crushed my butterfly bushes. He's a major dick and pulled the feeder out of the tree and smashed it on my patio. I haven't seen any hummingbirds in my yard since but I think maybe they'll come back next year.

oakland food bank

My company paid me to spend the afternoon sorting food at the Oakland food bank. My company is a rock star (since companies apparently are people).

Forty volunteers sorted 19 tons of food.

And to the person who donated a popped bag of popcorn that expired in 2003, you are an asshole. As is the person who donated spices that expired in 1991.

The most important thing I learned today is donate money, not food. And don't empty your expired food at a food bank. We throw it away.

It was pretty fun working at the food bank. I hope we get to go back there. I'm really good at sorting food. And I saw a bunch of food that must be at the grocery that I've never seen before because I don't actually go down aisles to shop for food. I'm not a big fan of the grocery store because I'm afraid something might fall on my zombie knee. I just buy the food that's on the borders of the store.

One bin was full of food that went totally bad and it smelled like a dead body. Gross.

We moved all the food from the empty bins on the right to the bins on the left.

Barrels to collect more food. Oakland food bank feeds 40,000 people a week. Yes, a week.