yarn head

Was emailing with a friend who is sponsored by red bull and remembered this dream I had about him when I was in the middle east, which, I just realized, I never posted:

I wrote:

Dude, I had the weirdest dream about you last night.

Maybe because the other day I was watching the vid of the endless ascent...

In the dream, I was living in Ouray, but it was like a crazy version of Ouray. Someone told me you had moved there, so I went to the ice park and found you living in this huge red bull tent. You looked normal except that your hair was blue yarn instead of being hair. I was like "dude, what are you doing here?" and you said "I've come up with a new invention, which is a blue berry pie that, when you eat it, turns your hair to yarn. That way you don't ever have to wear a hat. The discovery channel gave me a TV show, so I'm going to travel around the country and show how people won't die of the cold because they have yarn for hair." I was like "that's a really great idea! can I have a pie?"

So you gave me a pie and I took it home and built an engineering design of the pie to figure out how it worked. Then I re-engineered the pie so that it was cherry flavored, and when someone ate the pie it would turn their hands into red mittens. I drew a bunch of engineering diagrams of my pie. I was really excited about my invention and wanted to show it to you. So I printed out the engineering design but, instead of a printer, my computer was attached to an oven, and inside the oven was a baguette that cooked and somehow the engineering design was being cooked into the baguette.

When the baguette was fully cooked I took it back to your tent and you ate it because as you were eating the bread you could see my design which was being projected out of your eyes onto the wall of the tent. Every piece of bread you ate had a different diagram associated with it. Then you finished the bread and looked at me. I was excited to see what your reaction would be.

You looked at me and said "This is the stupidest idea I've ever heard of! Who would want to turn their hands into red mittens?" I was really upset because I realized you were right.

Then I woke up.

And no, I have taken any weird substances. That I know of. I did swallow some sand on accident during the sand storm.

My friend wrote:

Red Mittens might be the future--use 'em for ice, pot holders, fashion, the possibilities! I do have some nice black ones...

Wild dreams, jet lag?

Some people think I'm normal.

now it looks like a kitchen

Got home very late last night to this nice surprise:

Appliances that are inside my house instead of out on the back patio.

Climber handles installed.

I can wash dishes somewhere other than my upstairs bathroom!

View from the dining room. There's space in the island for stools.

Window is open! And it looks really nice!

My plumber Josef, who is the best plumber ever, just got the faucet installed. BTW, the ladders are not part of the kitchen decor.

See pictures of the old kitchen here.

serenade

Wow. The weirdest thing just happened. I ordered room service and the waiter that always brings my tray (Kevin) commented about how healthy my eating habits are (last night I had 2 slices of key lime pie, a fruit plate, and french fries for dinner and that's healthy????), and then he sang me a song about broken tree branches and some other stuff. I think it was a gospel song or something. He has a great voice.

I gave him a $5 tip and said "thanks".

It was nice, but at the same time a little awkward. I don't often have people sing to me and I never know what I'm supposed to do. Clap? Make eye contact? Stare into the distance as if remembering an emotionally sad moment?

Hm. He brought me another fruit plate and didn't charge me.

People are so confusing.

counter tops are in!

My designer Christine sent me this picture:

She and Neal said they look great, which is a huge relief since I only had a tiny sample to go on.

Supposedly I'll have appliances in too when I get home on Thursday night. Which means I won't have to go outside to get stuff out of my refrigerator.

pudding & primordial soup

Yesterday a friend stopped by to see my kitchen, and I was showing her a new non-stick frying pan my mom bought me so the brit (Pascal) could make me an omelet, and my friend said "I'm surprised he'd ever come back here after you made him eat that horrible banana pudding you made." I was like, "um, you tasted it before I gave it to him and said it was good". She was like "It was the worst pudding ever".

Ech.

So I sent an email to Pascal:

subject: banana pudding

Why didn't you just say "it sucks"? My friend was like "worst pudding ever". 
I made you eat it twice.

Pascal:

The banana pudding was good! I enjoyed it! Did you serve her the frozen
batch? Maybe it became denatured in the freezer? Maybe it developed a
personality and evolved into a higher life form. Maybe you stumbled on the
secret to creation of life? You made me eat primordial soup?? Maybe that's
why I had gas, it was because I had a universe developing in my guts.
Cripes we could see a big bang in me bum? I could give birth to the next
messiah? Oh the possibilities!

He may be coming back to town end of this month. Hopefully the kitchen will be in some functional state so he can cook for me.

will steal for back splash

Christine continues to be a bad influence...

My contractor Neal recommended I work with a woman he knows to pick out a back splash. She was mean to me, made some suggestions that I thought sucked, and only showed me samples from some collection that was so crap she kept it under the counter. Now, I'm not spending a million dollars on my back splash but for fuck's sake...surely something on the wall was in my price range...

So I contacted Christine and she took me to her people (she also gets a 40% discount with them). We spent an hour looking at stuff and then she got them to give me two samples. Supposedly my counter tops are going in on Wednesday (Christine pulled some strings there too - normally it takes two weeks from templating to get the counter top installed) so I should be able to pick out the back splash by the end of this week.

She also just sent me some pictures of back splashes with comments:

Haha. Stealing my back splash might mean one thing in my kitchen was on budget. Unless I get arrested, like my dad.

Wah. I love it and I'm sure I can't afford it. Rats!

Got to keep Neal happy...

In other news, Pascal told me he laughs every time I send him an email about my back splash because in UK back splash means piss that splashes back on you when using the urinal. That's why they say splash back instead.

randomness not so random

I was logging on to my VPN today with my securID and this happened:

I've also been keeping a log of the numbers when I log in and have noticed what seems to be an excessive amount of the number sequence "234". Which makes me wonder about randomness of my securID.

Why am I tracking the numbers when I log in, you may ask, and then analyzing them. Because I have fucking asperger's. That's what we do.

fancy faucet

My fancy bathroom faucet came today...

And each piece was enclosed in a sack. Like when you buy expensive shoes.

It's even cooler looking in real life.

kitchen, painted

Today the guy came to do the templating for my granite counter tops. It was kind of weird. He put thick paper strips down on the counters and then glued it together to make a sort of paper frame. It seemed kind of low tech.

Christine and Neal also laughed about my painting issues. I'm going to try to get them fixed by Wednesday, which means tuesday night is painting night...ech...

Here's what the kitchen looks like painted.

You can see where the paint color changes. Ech.

home depot and lowes - paint idiots

I knew I was going to have to repaint parts of my kitchen so I went to Lowe's and got some paint since they are the only place that carries Ralph Lauren paint (I thought). My whole house practically is painted with Ralph Lauren cream stone.

Well, the dude at Lowe's gave me a paint called cream stone, but it was their line of paint, not ralph lauren (they don't carry RL anymore). Their cream stone is greenish, but I didn't notice at first when I was painting.

I know it doesn't look like a big difference, until you get it on the wall. The RL is on the left, Lowe's paint on the right and on the mix stick.

I got all of the ceiling painted, and then most of the walls, and ran out of paint around 6 PM last night. I went to home depot and wasted 20 minutes waiting for a guy to mix my paint (think he was spending more time sniffing it than mixing it). Got home and realized...it was the right color, but it wasn't the color I had painted the rest of the kitchen.

Fucking fuck. I was NOT about to repaint the kitchen.

So I went back to home depot this morning (I know, I'm stupid, should have gone to Lowe's), got some paint, finished painting while talking to my dad on the phone...and then realized the new paint didn't match the old paint. At first I thought it was because the new paint was wet. But no, it's because it doesn't match.

Grr.

And of course I did touch ups on every wall with the non-matching paint.

So I guess I'm going to Lowe's tomorrow. Unless I perish from paint fumes in the mean time...

have cabinets, will...put stuff in them

Neal got most of the cabinets and the island built this week. The upper right brown cabinet was damaged so I have to wait until next week to have them all in. Progress!

Came home thursday night...kitchen progress! Should throw some wine in that wine rack.

The island with the pantry in the background.

This window is finally unblocked! Think the round shelves look great (my idea to put them there, of course).

It's going to be a great party space. Too bad most of my friends live really far away.

Friday Neal informs me I need to get the whole ceiling and kitchen painted. By tomorrow. Ech.

The island. The dishwasher is going where that hole is.

FINALLY! A closed pantry.

It totally opens the downstairs.

my floors!

Meant to put these up earlier...because I'm doing some work myself to save money on my renovation I've been super busy...

Before - ugly stairs

After - shiny!

Before: floor in living room

After

Before - kitchen floor

After

zombie and lego man

On Wednesday night I had a nightmare that the fake serial murderer consultant I work with had turned into a zombie. His eyes were robotic looking with red half moons under them the color of blood. His arms had been replaced with really long dish washing gloves.

And somehow he managed to turn the project manager into a lego man. I was panicking about the PM being made of legos so I started building a spreadsheet figuring I could put some formulas in it that would turn the PM back into a person. The consultant-turned-zombie kept slapping my arms with his dishwasher glove arms trying to make me mess up as I was typing.

I had just gotten the last formula in the spreadsheet and was about to turn the PM back into a person when the consultant threw up on my head. The vomit hardened and I couldn't move. I woke up in a panic.

So, Thursday, I got an email from the consultant asking me if I wanted to take charge of some shit job. I was in an all day class so I responded...

Me:

I'm in class all day and will have to deal with this tomorrow. Also, I had a nightmare last night that we were in an IT meeting and you threw up on my head.

Consultant:

Hmm… how should I interpret that…? 

…I’m causing extra work for you by asking the wrong questions…

…you don’t think I can take my beer…

?

 

Me:

You were a zombie and had turned [the PM] into legos. I was trying to turn him back to human using a spreadsheet and you were trying to stop me by covering me in slime vomit.

Consultant:
Hmm more connections… I was in a mall at the weekend and spent too long in the Lego store wondering if I was too old to start buying it again…

I am so psychic.
 

snake redux

Back in March I sent an email to a snake expert who had a cool snake trap on his web site (as well as a picture of a snake pooping):

Me:
> I am terrified of snakes but am trying to get over my phobia by learning
> more about them. I really liked your web site! There was a lot of useful
> information. And that yellow snake trap is very cool. Though, I live in the
> city and don't have a use for one.
>
> Snake poop pictures were gross but at the same time it was interesting to
> see how a snake poops.
>
> I did have a quick question, if you have time. I live in Denver and spend a
> lot of time outdoors in an area that has a lot of rattle snakes (Roxborough
> State Park). One day I was walking on a narrow trail that had a lot of brush
> on either side of it. I heard a rattle, panicked, and ran (my friend, who
> was walking behind me, swears it was a rattle snake). If that happens again
> should I not run? In elementary school I remember reading a story about
> snakes that said you should stand still until the snake leaves. But if
> you're afraid of snakes that's kind of hard to do.
>
> Stay safe with those snakes!

He finally responded back to me today:
 >Yeah, don't run.  But you can walk away.

Not hugely helpful. But at least he didn't offer to introduce me to a live snake.

terrorists of stupid - TSA

I was almost kicked out of the denver airport today for arguing with a tsa agent. Why, you might ask.

She said I couldn't bring a container of salt-baking soda (for my neti pot) in my carry on because it was over 3 ounces (actually, I think the container is 3 ounces but it isn't marked with the volume and apparently they can't eyeball a container and guess how many ounces it is).

She then said salt is classified as a "cream" when I pointed out to her that the container was not full of liquid or a gel.

?????????????????

For real. Guess they don't give IQ tests to those dudes before they hire them. I kept asking her to open the container to see that it was just salt and baking soda but she refused to open it and then yelled at me when I tried to open it. I explained that I fly through Denver almost EVERY FUCKING WEEK with the container and she said "this rule has been in place for a long time, they were mistaken to let you take it through". I pointed out to her colleagues, who joined in the fray, that if they just listened to the announcement that was playing they would see there was nothing about limits on the amount of salt, just liquids and gels.

I finally talked to a manager I've met before after dealing with 4 other tsa idiots and she let me keep my salt. But not before the tsa agent tested EVERYTHING in my backpack with those bomb swabs. It took an additional 10 minutes to do that and god knows how much tax payer money since she used 10, yes, 10 swabs. She even swabbed my Harper's magazine and a paperback book. Of course, she missed the 3 ounce tube of toothpaste I hadn't taken out of my back pack before it went through the x-ray.

Ech.

hi ho turkey, away!

My mom bought this thing because apparently you can carry a turkey around in it.

It looks like a turkey saddle.

You can buy all kinds of weird things for the kitchen apparently.

for real????????

lake

My mom and I took the paddle boat out on the lake. My mom kept waving to cars passing by at the far end of the lake, which was really funny. A woman on a bike said "that looks like more fun than I'm having".

True. Though, I had a 7 PM meeting so no wine this time...

pics of the climber dudes

Christine sent this!

Can't wait until Neal gets them installed on the cabinets!

coolest bathroom faucet ever...or maybe I've lost my mind

I just found this (Neal was right - I can't pick out faucets or sinks from Home Depot).

It's either really cool...or really fucking not.

project updates

My little climber dudes arrive on Friday!

And I got the Vetrazzo slab! Which cost more than my whole budget for the bathroom. Oh well. Go big or go home.

I'm currently in Williamsburg hanging out with my mom and working. It's a lot more relaxing here than at home.

It's warm enough to work out on the back porch.

Gazebo for drinking wine.