my floors!

Meant to put these up earlier...because I'm doing some work myself to save money on my renovation I've been super busy...

Before - ugly stairs

After - shiny!

Before: floor in living room

After

Before - kitchen floor

After

zombie and lego man

On Wednesday night I had a nightmare that the fake serial murderer consultant I work with had turned into a zombie. His eyes were robotic looking with red half moons under them the color of blood. His arms had been replaced with really long dish washing gloves.

And somehow he managed to turn the project manager into a lego man. I was panicking about the PM being made of legos so I started building a spreadsheet figuring I could put some formulas in it that would turn the PM back into a person. The consultant-turned-zombie kept slapping my arms with his dishwasher glove arms trying to make me mess up as I was typing.

I had just gotten the last formula in the spreadsheet and was about to turn the PM back into a person when the consultant threw up on my head. The vomit hardened and I couldn't move. I woke up in a panic.

So, Thursday, I got an email from the consultant asking me if I wanted to take charge of some shit job. I was in an all day class so I responded...

Me:

I'm in class all day and will have to deal with this tomorrow. Also, I had a nightmare last night that we were in an IT meeting and you threw up on my head.

Consultant:

Hmm… how should I interpret that…? 

…I’m causing extra work for you by asking the wrong questions…

…you don’t think I can take my beer…

?

 

Me:

You were a zombie and had turned [the PM] into legos. I was trying to turn him back to human using a spreadsheet and you were trying to stop me by covering me in slime vomit.

Consultant:
Hmm more connections… I was in a mall at the weekend and spent too long in the Lego store wondering if I was too old to start buying it again…

I am so psychic.
 

snake redux

Back in March I sent an email to a snake expert who had a cool snake trap on his web site (as well as a picture of a snake pooping):

Me:
> I am terrified of snakes but am trying to get over my phobia by learning
> more about them. I really liked your web site! There was a lot of useful
> information. And that yellow snake trap is very cool. Though, I live in the
> city and don't have a use for one.
>
> Snake poop pictures were gross but at the same time it was interesting to
> see how a snake poops.
>
> I did have a quick question, if you have time. I live in Denver and spend a
> lot of time outdoors in an area that has a lot of rattle snakes (Roxborough
> State Park). One day I was walking on a narrow trail that had a lot of brush
> on either side of it. I heard a rattle, panicked, and ran (my friend, who
> was walking behind me, swears it was a rattle snake). If that happens again
> should I not run? In elementary school I remember reading a story about
> snakes that said you should stand still until the snake leaves. But if
> you're afraid of snakes that's kind of hard to do.
>
> Stay safe with those snakes!

He finally responded back to me today:
 >Yeah, don't run.  But you can walk away.

Not hugely helpful. But at least he didn't offer to introduce me to a live snake.

terrorists of stupid - TSA

I was almost kicked out of the denver airport today for arguing with a tsa agent. Why, you might ask.

She said I couldn't bring a container of salt-baking soda (for my neti pot) in my carry on because it was over 3 ounces (actually, I think the container is 3 ounces but it isn't marked with the volume and apparently they can't eyeball a container and guess how many ounces it is).

She then said salt is classified as a "cream" when I pointed out to her that the container was not full of liquid or a gel.

?????????????????

For real. Guess they don't give IQ tests to those dudes before they hire them. I kept asking her to open the container to see that it was just salt and baking soda but she refused to open it and then yelled at me when I tried to open it. I explained that I fly through Denver almost EVERY FUCKING WEEK with the container and she said "this rule has been in place for a long time, they were mistaken to let you take it through". I pointed out to her colleagues, who joined in the fray, that if they just listened to the announcement that was playing they would see there was nothing about limits on the amount of salt, just liquids and gels.

I finally talked to a manager I've met before after dealing with 4 other tsa idiots and she let me keep my salt. But not before the tsa agent tested EVERYTHING in my backpack with those bomb swabs. It took an additional 10 minutes to do that and god knows how much tax payer money since she used 10, yes, 10 swabs. She even swabbed my Harper's magazine and a paperback book. Of course, she missed the 3 ounce tube of toothpaste I hadn't taken out of my back pack before it went through the x-ray.

Ech.

hi ho turkey, away!

My mom bought this thing because apparently you can carry a turkey around in it.

It looks like a turkey saddle.

You can buy all kinds of weird things for the kitchen apparently.

for real????????

lake

My mom and I took the paddle boat out on the lake. My mom kept waving to cars passing by at the far end of the lake, which was really funny. A woman on a bike said "that looks like more fun than I'm having".

True. Though, I had a 7 PM meeting so no wine this time...

pics of the climber dudes

Christine sent this!

Can't wait until Neal gets them installed on the cabinets!

coolest bathroom faucet ever...or maybe I've lost my mind

I just found this (Neal was right - I can't pick out faucets or sinks from Home Depot).

It's either really cool...or really fucking not.

project updates

My little climber dudes arrive on Friday!

And I got the Vetrazzo slab! Which cost more than my whole budget for the bathroom. Oh well. Go big or go home.

I'm currently in Williamsburg hanging out with my mom and working. It's a lot more relaxing here than at home.

It's warm enough to work out on the back porch.

Gazebo for drinking wine.

broken bottle bathroom

I'm not entirely positive I'm going to go with this, but I'm pretty sure this is the counter top I'm going to put in the bathroom:




It's the Vetrazzo counter top that I wanted for my kitchen, except that it costs A LOT and I couldn't afford it. It's made from recycled granite and recycled bottles. I'll decide next week if I'm going to do it. Because, surprise, it's more than I budgeted.

But I feel I should get it because wine and beer bottles are an essential part of my house.

wall, y'all

Lots of progress was made in my kitchen today! And we passed the electrical, plumbing, and drywall inspection!

Finally, a wall! And no more cold drafts coming from under the window!

This hole was patched up too.

The floor holes are gone!

Um, not sure what's up with this. It's like an alien creature is coming out of the electrical panel.

Close up of the floor.

I was wondering what that hole in my exterior wall was for...

Neal did get the hole he drilled through my wall patched up quickly.

This is what it looks like from the outside.

Will be nice to have a REAL vent in my kitchen. Like for the times I accidentally cook mac and cheese in the microwave for 15 minutes instead of 1.5 minutes on accident.

Looks good! I was worried but I think this "beam enhancement" will be pretty cool! Though, guess who gets to paint the ceiling. Again.

I've decided Christine is a bad influence on me

My kitchen designer Christine took me to a granite remnant place today to pick out a remnant for my bathroom cabinet. Since I've blown my budget in the kitchen I wanted to try to stay on budget for my bathroom.

Alas.

Well, we'll see how the pricing comes back...

I loved this slab but Christine was like "I can see you at 1 o'clock in the morning cleaning all those holes with a toothbrush." Hm. She knows me too well.

Interesting pink river stone slab. It's the lowest ranked slab on my list, but still kind of cool.

Christine and I both loved this slab. I think my dad will like it too. He likes rocks.

Christine insisted we get a price on this even though I know it's out of my budget (a slab of this costs $20,000). I told her any granite named after an artist (this is DaVinci) is way too expensive for me.

I just took a picture of this because it looks like there are exploding penii in the middle of it.

I REALLY loved this slab but it's unfortunately too small.

While this looks kind of meh it's a granite that has been treated to give it a leather like feel. It looks much cooler in real life.

more holes...in the floor

I don't know why, but I'm kind of freaked out that my plumber Joseph drilled holes in my floor today. I guess it's like the "no turning back" point for my kitchen.

And he and Neal keep asking me questions like "which side of the sink do you want the garbage disposal to be on?" and "how many light switches do you want on this wall?"

Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know!!!! Left! No, right! Did you interpret that as my left or your left since we're standing on opposite sides of my fake island which is really just a picture Neal drew on the floor???????

To make matters even more interesting, some teenage boys have been hanging around. Neal keeps going out to his truck because he's afraid they're trying to steal his tools. This afternoon I was on a conference call and happened to look out my upstairs window. One of the kids was standing on my front porch with his hand on my safety door. He was making hand signals at someone I couldn't see. So I went down, yanked open the inside door, tried to dramatically yank open the safety door (it was locked, thank you Joseph!) and yelled at the kid "what are you doing on my front porch?!?"

He looked shocked, then said he was waiting for a friend. I was like "wait somewhere ELSE". He left and didn't come back. But I was talking to my neighbor later in the afternoon and he saw the kids coming out of a house three houses down from our building (known drug dealer but the cops haven't done anything about him yet). I called our local cop and hopefully they will step up drive bys.

Usually I have no worries because I park in my garage, but I can't park there until the cabinets are installed. Luckily after this week Jake will be at the airport. They have really good security there. And I took the precaution of removing everything from my car just in case it gets broken into.

dust bowl

Today Neal made more holes in my kitchen. I had a HGTV moment when we realized that he can't run the exhaust for the stove up through my room because the pipe would be 6 inches away from the brick wall. I was like holy fuck that's going to look like a stripper pole in my bedroom.

So then he thought he would run it across the ceiling. Not entirely crazy about the idea but what's a girl to do. He called a guy who's apparently going to cut a hole through the outside brick of my house. The idea terrifies me but...we'll see...I'm sure the guy cuts lots of holes through people's brick walls.

Meh.

Another hole. With yellow wires sticking out.

They built the soffit today. Of course my ceiling isn't plumb. Ech.

Neal cut this hole to see if he could run the exhaust for the stove above the ceiling. No dice. They did something fucky with the support beams and he can't cut through them. So the pipe will have to run under the beam seen at the top right edge of this picture. I hope it doesn't look insane.

They pulled out the bathroom vanity today too. Forgot I have to buy a sink and faucet. I'm just going to start referring to my remodel budget as my remodel "budget".

Electrical panel. It looks like an evil doomsday device.

Abbi resurfaces in a heart warming letter

I'm not always a cynical cranky bitch.

Last year I actually arrived at the airport on time and ended up meeting a girl named Abbi who was planning to ride her bike across the US to raise money for Avenues, a shelter for homeless kids. I made a donation and a few weeks later she sent me a really nice thank you note.

Then, last night when I got home, I had a letter from her:

And it turns out she's moved to Colorado. I'm definitely going to meet up with her (we can ride bikes!). The letter was very thoughtful but the "art" she made really touched me:

I'm going to have it framed and I'm going to hang it in my new kitchen so I can see it every time I get home.

less holes in the floor, more holes in the walls

Apparently bigger holes are easier to re-drywall than smaller holes.

All the junction boxes for the outlets and light switches are in place!

And the floor has been mostly replaced, except for where the appliances are going to go.

let it snow!

In case you're wondering, it did snow in Denver. Of course it's melted.

don't answer business emails whilst pooping

Yesterday I received an email from an ex client regarding a macro in the software tool I supported at my old job:

Phil (the client):
[My ex company] responded saying that it is not possible to set print defaults. Word uses a template for Reports that run on a Macro. There is no way to modify these.dot files.” Naturally my first thought went to you – knowing that nothing is “not possible” for a Dark Knightress. So, what do you think, oh mighty one? Should I just suck it up or should I try to nuts with their .dot file?

Me:
That doesn't sound right. I can't test my theory since I don't have a copy of the software but I know the guy who wrote the macro. Let me ping him and get back to you.

Me to Pascal:
Does this sound right?

Pascal (who responded while I was sleeping since he's in the UK):
Leave it with me. I know Paul very very well. Do you mind if I reply to him?

Then Pascal responded to Phil before I could respond that the client is named Phil, not Paul. I should mention Phil is a Captain in the Navy (i.e. very high ranking). At first I wasn't worried when I saw the salutation was to someone named Phil. Then I read the rest of the email.

Pascal:
The Hominator left [my ex company]?????
Phil,
You are a cad and a bounder for
1.        not telling us you were planning on or had left [my ex company
2.        Not coming to yer old muckers for help on [my software tool I supported]
I can answer your question but being as what you didn't ask us first I shan't…so there….

Phil (who cc:ed Paul):
Hi Pascal,
I’m sure you are thinking of my unrelated namesake in the UK, Paul [Last Name]. He, by coincidence, is also a senior Enterprise Architect. He and I have exchanged emails and architectures on occasion, but never met. As far as I can tell, dear Paul is still keeping [my ex company] afloat and would never leave without the proper goodbyes.

The Homanator – I like it. 

Paul:
Hi John, sorry... Jack, no I mean Joshua... oh whatever  ... Mr Pascal.

Still here... haven't left... and wouldn't dare ask a question of anyone else other than you of course...  well that was until you couldn't remember my name ;-))

Regards
Paul  

Pascal (to me):

Good lord! I have embarrassed myself here haven't I!?

Me:

I am still laughing!

Pascal (to me):

Fortunate it was a friendly recipient. Just proves that you should be careful when sending jokey emails late evening via a small screen while sat on the crapper…….

Me:

You were pooping? That's even funnier!

Pascal:

He he. I aim to please!

walls and corn mazes

Today Neal framed in the wall where most of the cabinets will be:

To get away from the noise I went on a fruitless search for a cover for my Samsung tablet, and then went down to the botanic gardens at Chatfield because they have a corn maze.

I was going to go into the corn maze but there were way too many people with strollers and little kids. I'll have to go during the week.

Scary black thing sticking out of the maze

It you went this way you'll never get out of the maze because it's a dead end. You'll probably die of starvation. Or you will have to subsist on raw corn.

demo is done

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my kitchen -1 to d day

Here are pictures of my kitchen, which will be demolished tomorrow.

Taken from the balcony, looking down into the kitchen. The cabinets are currently being held up partially by a PVC pipe.

From the balcony. This stupid wall blocks the view from the living room into the kitchen. I HATE this wall.

From the living room looking into the kitchen. The wall blocks the flow of the downstairs and blocks the light. It's annoying.

Standing to one side of the wall looking into the kitchen. The cabinets against the window are actually blocking part of the window. It looks like shit. Those cabinets will be removed.

Standing at the door looking into the kitchen. Where the wall is now will be an island with a bar at the end of it. And I'll finally be rid of those cheap, shitty cabinets. That are falling off the wall.

This open shelving right outside the kitchen will be made into a pantry with cabinets. I can't stand having these open shelves. They look trashy.

The way these cabinets were mounted was about the worst construction ever. The bricks will be covered with a concrete something (like drywall, but it's concrete) so the cabinets will be securely mounted I won't have to clean brick dust off of everything all the time like I do now. Hundred year old bricks as a backsplash - BAD idea.

a murderer loose in my house

I sent this email to Pascal last night because he's a plant expert:

WTF?

I got home last night and noticed Forrester Sharpanov was turning black at the base. Then, I sit down to watch a movie, and it appears he died.

Is that plant blood?

 Pascal:

That looks like blood. It looks suspicious. Have you dusted for prints? Have you questioned the other plants and established alibis? One of those succulents was looming suspicious when I was there.

 I sort of suspect the Baby Toes Cult. They're like a combination of the mormons, evangelical christians, and scientologists.

We only LOOK innocent

demolition man

My kitchen demo kicks off Monday. Hooray! I'll post some pics of my kitchen tomorrow. Right now I'm busy drinking and packing.

Maybe not the best combination. At least I'll be surprised when I open the boxes I packed while drunk.

I should write a book on team building

The team I work with at my new job has been in storming mode for sure the past few months. That's why we got to spend an evening last week playing bocce ball.

It's frustrating because there's a huge lack of communication and people not getting along. So last night one of the team members arranged for us to have sushi. Along with us came a Brit who's working as a consultant for us. He's so professional and unruffleable I couldn't help but pick on him. After he sat down I said "So, are you really from UK or have you been faking that accent all along?"

That is not the typical way we talk to each other (my company is pretty formal) so he was taken aback. Then he said "I'm from Surrey" and I remembered a famous serial murderer case there from 2009 (don't ask me how - I can't remember my phone number) and T accused him of being a serial murderer. The night went down hill from there.

So this morning I sent out an email asking for some information. Normally no one responds but in this particular email I included a few sentences about how we discovered last night that our consultant was a serial murderer. Of course everyone responded because they wanted to make a serial murderer joke. Even my manager said "I don't think [my company] covers serial murderers as a protected group". (we employ gay and transgender people and they are considered "protected" as in you can't discriminate against them)

Then our poor consultant tried to respond that he was an upstanding citizen and had a clearance.

So I was like "HA! I knew you worked for MI-6!"

Later on I got an email from an executive director who had somehow gotten on the thread. He said "Congrats on your team building even if it's very unorthodox. I'd love to attend your next sushi dinner." He's a guy that usually ignores my group and does his own thing which makes extra work for us. Perhaps that's changing because he also sent me 3 work related emails and wants to collaborate with me on a cool project I'm working on.

It's funny. I was being low key at work because I'm new there and there's all kinds of political land mines that I keep stepping on. Lesson learned - sometimes being me is a good thing.

my first corporate hike, and of course we almost die

I've been nagging my colleagues and printing out topos for the past few months trying to get some people together to do a hike. Finally, one colleague, T, agreed to go on a hike with me this evening. She's training for a half marathon. I also invited two of my male colleagues. One simply said "I won't go hiking with you because you'll kill me." The other said "Well, how far are you going?" When I responded "Four miles" (I was lying, the trail was 7 miles) he said "But that's SO FAR!"

Um, what?

Anyway, the hike was beautiful, in an area called Las Trampas. They weren't kidding in the reviews about it being steep though. One woman started her trail review with "My butt still hurts!"

No, sillies, she was talking about being sore from hiking.

I said we would only hike until it started getting dark because I only had one headlamp and parts of the trail are narrow, densely wooded, with steep drop offs and I knew there was no moon tonight. But then we decided to go to the top ridge even though the sun was sinking fast. When we got there we saw two huge bald eagles. I thought they were kites at first they looked so unreal. The hills in front of us changed colors 5 times in 5 minutes as the sun set. Beautiful. (I need to bring my camera next time)

Then, as we descended from the ridge back into the woods I heard an owl. We looked up and saw it - it must have had a wing span of at least 6 feet. He was so cool. It was the biggest real owl I've ever seen. There wasn't enough light to take a picture unfortunately. We could hear him making owl whooing noises the rest of the descent down the trail. I am taking his sighting as a good omen.

We arrived back at the car right as it got really dark. I was so busy congratulating myself for my impeccable timing and speeding so my colleague could get back to her hotel to do some work that I almost missed the fuckwit deer that decided to run out of the woods and in front of my car. It's a little Mazda 2. Would not have been pretty. I slammed on the brakes and slowly turned in the direction I thought the deer was not going. The ABS sounded like it was full of gravel and about to explode and the car was sliding along the road with the deer running next to it. It was kind of James Bondish, as much as a car trick in a Mazda 2 can be James Bondish. I literally missed the deer by centimeters. My colleague didn't say anything for a second, and then she said "Did we ALMOST DIE?"

In my world, not really, but she was pretty shook up. Hopefully the story doesn't spread. I'd like to get more people out on hikes.

back to the fake clam counter top

So the smiley face the sequel counter top I picked out is not available until November. My kitchen is supposed to be done by the end of October. I was like fuck fucking fuck!

Then Christine found two slabs of the spring blossom (supposedly). She's going to order it today. If it's not in stock I have no fucking idea what I'm going to do for a counter top in my kitchen. Maybe I just won't have any. The only thing I use them for is a temporary resting place for wine bottles after I open them.

from underwear to star wars

I had a writer's group meeting on Saturday and one thing that always strikes me is how little some writers are able to visualize what they're writing. One guy I was working with had a meet cute scene in his book where a guy opens a car door and knocks his soon to be love interest over.

Being an aspie, I immediately went out side and measured the distance between my car door, the curb, and the side walk. I measure other cars to get a good sampling. I then created a diagram showing the guy that it would be impossible for the character in question to be knocked over by a car door because the door would be too short.

Do you think he changed his book? No. Which is why I rarely read fiction.

We were reading a scene in Kevin's screen play Saturday and he had a stage direction about a male character looking at a female character's back and seeing her underwear poking out above her jeans and thinking it was sexy. I was like "dude, that is so NOT sexy." Given the amount of travel I do I am exposed to women's underwear a lot more than I want to be. It is NOT sexy AT ALL to see some woman with low rider jeans with underwear hanging out the back. Of course all the guys disagreed with me. Then I said it should be star wars underwear if he was going to show underwear because that's the most unsexy thing I could think of.

Which might explain the dream I had last night...

I dreamed that I was living in a house that wasn't like my house at all. Suddenly my friend Blanchy showed up and I made us toast with butter on it. Then all these weirdly costumed women walked in and started eating the toast. I was like "who the fuck are you guys?" They sang a song that went:

As strange as this may sound
As interesting as this may be
We're the characters from star wars
It's a pretty good movie

Um, what?

I was like "stop eating all the toast" and one of the women said "and we're also going to sit in your favorite chair and buy your house." I woke up worried that someone had actually bought my house.

Then I drank some water and went back to bed (it was 3 am). I didn't have any more dreams that I remembered but that stupid song is still stuck in my head.