tarot class

On Saturday I took a 5 hour tarot reading class for fun. I wasn't sure what to expect but it did end up being a really fun class.

The class was taught by a woman named Rochelle who is a professional tarot card reader. She created a cool mat that can be used to easily do readings. And she taught me how to do a yes no question with the deck and how to predict the amount of time something will take to happen.

I explained to Rochelle how I do readings and she said she'd never heard of anyone doing readings the way I do (I hand the cards to the person I'm doing the reading for and tell them to shuffle the deck until the cards run smoothly while thinking about their question - I then take the cards back and turn over three cards, first one what the present state is, second one, what's required to transition to a future state, and third one, what does the future look like). Also, I never ask what the question is, I do the reading cold and then ask if the makes sense (I don't want the person I'm reading for to think that I'm gaming them). I have a 100% accuracy rate in my readings.

Rochelle didn't believe me and said I can't read friends because I'll influence the deck. I had her repeat a reading I had done on a friend (I had a pic of the reading on my phone so I could prove what cards I got). Rochelle repeated the reading and got the same cards I did.

So then she told me to do a reading on the woman sitting across from me. I did it my way and managed to correctly determine that her question was about starting a business. Then Rochelle told me to do a reading, but using her mat, on the woman sitting next to me. I did it Rochelle's way except that I insisted on not knowing the question until I finished the reading. I got that reading right too (it was about whether the woman should move).

By the end of class I had done a reading on everyone and got them all right (well, I correctly guessed what the question was and what the present state was, not sure how the future will turn out). Rochelle invited me to a fair she's doing next weekend and said I could be a professional psychic.

Yeah, I got a master's in engineering from Johns Hopkins so I could be a professional psychic.

Anyway, tarot is only meant to focus your attention on shit you need to change, not to predict the future. It shows you a potential future. Rochelle and I talked about that a lot in class.

Interestingly, one of the students did a reading on me and I asked about my children's book. She said I would get it published but it would take two years (we were practicing yes / no questions and figuring out how much time would pass before something happened). I hope that future is right...

halloween at the sanctuary

I picked up my friend C on Saturday around 5 PM and we headed out to Serenity Springs for our halloween tour. Neither of us knew what to expect. I had packed a ton of warm clothes but when we got to the sanctuary it was 62 degrees so I left my super warm sweatshirt in the car and decided to just wear my light down jacket.

Mistake. We had to wait until it got dark to start the tour and by the time darkness descended on us it was really fucking cold. But once you go into the sanctuary you have to stay with the tour. By the end of the tour everyone was freezing.

For the first part of the tour we stood at the entrance to the sanctuary. A lion started roaring and then the tigers joined in and then the bears. It was so loud I experienced literally that phrase "so loud I can't hear myself think". It was also as if the sound waves were physically hitting my body. It's hard to explain, perhaps it was some kind of cave man reaction.

Then we started walking through the sanctuary, which they had made into a haunted house of sorts. I was not expecting that. And the volunteers at the sanctuary kept popping out of the dark wearing scary masks. The first few times it scared the shit out of me. But then it was just funny. We all had headlamps because it was pitch black inside the sanctuary and we put them on red because it made the animals' eyes glow red. Pretty cool. As soon as we started walking through the cages the animals got eerily silent.

We would be standing between two cages looking into one cage when suddenly the animal in the cage behind us would jump against the fencing. If you ever want to know what it's like to get attacked by a tiger or lion or what ever in the dark without actually dying I suggest taking a night time sanctuary tour.

I was going to take pictures but it was too dark and my hands were almost frozen by the time the tour ended.

I dropped C off and went back to my hotel. My eyes were yoking me so I decided to read a magazine until I felt sleepy. But it turns out the room I stayed in has 50% non-working light bulbs. So I spent 2 hours re-configuring them for the optimal lighting that didn't hurt my eyes but allowed me to read with sufficient light. I also rearranged the lamps and moved the giant tv cabinet away from the wall and unplugged the tv so I could charge my two laptops and it was fucking hard to move the cabinet back and I almost broke the tv because it fell over while I was moving the cabinet and the wire for the cable box thingy got stuck under the cabinet and I couldn't get it out.

I wonder if they will change their policy so people with asperger's can't stay there.

Next weekend C is coming to Denver to hang out in the city. Should be fun!

more PINSM proliferation

My work boss A was driving to colorado springs to visit his daughter on thursday night. Usually he brings her a funny card but work has been hopping busy lately and he hadn't had time to get her one.

I suggested he make a PINSM for her because when she visited him here at work this summer she liked the PINSMs. He suggested that I make it instead because he said he's worse at drawing than I am (how is that even possible?).

She speaks spanish so I made this for her:

it took me a while playing with the spanish translator to find a spanish phrase that I could make a joke about - the bird is a spanish bird called a hoopoe - I picked it because of the way it looks and also because its call is "poopoopoo"

I wasn't sure what her reaction would be. It turns out not only did she love it, but she also brought it into school to show her fellow students and now her elementary school is doing post it note social media.

:D

growl-o-ween party

Last night my friend C and I went to the Serenity Springs growl-o-ween party, hosted at the home of the owners of Serenity Springs, Jeff and Julie. Maybe I shouldn't have been driving. I mistook C's neighbor's yard for a driveway and also went to the wrong house. C found me and the neighbors weren't mad that I parked in the middle of their yard.

The party was seriously in the middle of nowhere. I drove past the road I was supposed to turn on and had to turn around. When we found the road we realized we were entering a gated property. Then we drove around on random dirt roads until we found the house. It was HUGE (15,000 square feet of party space). We walked in and found ourselves in a room that had a swimming pool, complete with a slide, diving board, and of course a giant disco ball.

I want to live here!

The walls were stone and the ceiling was wood with intricate patterns. The place must have cost a fortune to build. It's on 40 acres of land and Jeff is going to build enclosures for some of the cats that are injured so they can recover before moving to the sanctuary.

We spent about an hour talking to Julie about the sanctuary. She's open to some of my marketing ideas and I'm going to talk to her about them in the future. She and her husband pay most of the sanctuary expenses. She also showed me pictures of two two week old white tigers. She hasn't advertised them yet. I think I'm going to adopt them for the kids of two of my work colleagues.

C did some Jamaican shots called bob marleys (the party was catered by a Jamaican couple) and then we wandered around the house. It has 8 bedrooms and 14 bathrooms. And art work all over the place.

coming around one corner we stumbled on a knight in shining armor - literally

C told me to stand next to him so she could take a picture and then we would pretend he was my boyfriend - I thought the picture was blurry because of my eyes but it turns out it was just a shitty picture - no offense C!

Then we hung out with Julie and Jeff's son and daughter in law in their bedroom which is almost as big as my house. They just moved to Colorado from South Carolina and we were telling them fun things to do downtown.

They were laughing at me because I was walking funny due to my depth perception going in and out. I kept putting in eye drops to see if that would help and the daughter in law said "I was once addicted to eye drops" and I said "Fuck, I guess I'll have to go to eye drops anonymous".

Then C and I wandered onto a cool deck but people were smoking up so we decided to check out the yard. Right behind the house is a huge gazebo that could easily hold 40 people. There was a little bridge going to the gazebo because it was surrounded by a moat. Yes, a moat.

It kind of reminded me of the drug dealer houses in Central America.

And then we left and went to a party that C's parents were attending. It was someone's birthday, his name is Pops, or that's what everyone called him. I got to meet C's mom and dad and they said C makes them laugh with stories of the crazy shit I do at work (I was like "but most of the time those things are HER idea!"). I left and C told me to text her when I got back to the hotel because she was worried about me but I was fine.

Text at 1 am this morning with C:

me: I should go to sleep but I'm wired tired. I was exhausted at the party but now I can't sleep. I watched tv for an hour. I think it jacked up my brain.
C: maybe that's why I am so jacked up, I have my tv on 24 / 7...have you been using your sleep mode on your fitbit?
me: yes, every morning I'm like "I had to have slept at least 6 hours!"  and then my fitbit is like "guess what loser, you only slept 5 hours, 4 times awake, 18 times restless" and I'm like "seriously, fitbit? why do you have to tell me that I was restless 18 times? fucking lie to me and maybe I'll sleep better."

Tonight we go to the sanctuary for a tour. Julie said if there's time we can hold the baby tigers. If not we're going to go back in two weeks to see them.

Chapter 15: The Croco-diamond Performs His Experiment

The giant man saw the ticky-tap-tap of the Italianis parked in the drive way of the farm. He worried. And when he saw the Italianis in the courtyard, chopping termaters with a large knife, he worried more.

The kangawrong, terrified at the sight of the Italianis with a large knife, felt its ears crinkle down the sides of its head. It rolled up the passenger window and ducked down onto the seat so none outside the ticky-tap-tap could see it.

“Ah good sir, so kind of you to join us at the farm! Sorry to keep you waiting. I trust you’ve brought everything for the plan?” said the croco-diamond, kalumping out of the hammock in the bed of the ticky-tap-tap.

“Eetsa all-a here!” said the Italianis, pointing with the large knife first to the chopped termaters and then to some green herbs.

“Then it’s time for the experiment.”

“Hold on a second,” said the giant man. “What experiment?”

“I have been doing some studies on curative foods for allergies. I stumbled upon a plantae, in the family lampshade, latin name SolanYum LycoParis. Some think it a fruit, and some a vegeta-”

“But what experiment?”

“An experiment to attempt to cure me of my cringle sensitivity using termaters, which have medicinal powers. And to try a new recipe of my own making. Now, where is my dear one to fetch me a cringle crisp?”

All turned towards the ticky-tap-tap and saw the tips of the kangawrong’s furry ears just visible at the bottom of the passenger window.

“Come out dear one! I have a surprise for you!”

The tips of the ears shook back and forth nononono.

“He’s afraid of the Italianis,” said the giant man.

“He won’t hurt you. Put down the knife,” said the croco-diamond to the Italianis. And then to the kangawrong, “In fact, the Italianis wants to apologize for yelling at you.”

“But-ah, it murshed-ah my-ah termaters!” said the Italianis.

“You, dear sir, must learn to forgive and forget. Especially as we are now business partners. And here, as promised, is my investment in the business.”

The croco-diamond handed the Italiani his d.Dornian ruby that had been given to him by a real King, the King having given the croco-diamond the ruby so he would leave the King’s kingdom. And though it was a constant reminder to the croco-diamond that sometimes his lectures and speeches irritated people to the point where they sent him away forever, he had never given a jewel to anyone before. It was a momentous occasion.

The giant man looked surprised.

And more surprised when the Italiani said, “You want-a me-ah to apologize-a to the biggie feetsie one?”

And the croco-diamond said, “Yes. Come, I’ll show you how it’s done. Dear one?” The croco-diamond walked up to the passenger window. “May I speak to you for a moment?”

The passenger window rolled down. Then the kangawrong’s ears popped up and pointed toward the croco-diamond.

“Can I see your face?”

The kangawrong raised its head so that just its eyes showed above the door.

“I am sorry.”

Ploink ploink went the eyes.

The croco-diamond turned toward the Italianis. “I will demonstrate again how to apologize.”

He turned to the giant man, bowed his head, and said, “I am sorry.”

#

The croco-diamond sat the kitchen table. Before him was a plate of cringle crisps covered with chopped termaters and herbs. All stood behind him nervously. The croco-diamond put the cringle crisp and termater mix in his mouth.

Crunch. Crunch.

“I...I...” The croco-diamond covered his face with his front feet. Everyone was silent. He removed his front feet from his face.

“I am cured!”

All clapped.

“And! I’ve invented a marvelous new topping! Which we will sell with the cringle crisps! We will sell lots! So the giant man will never worry about losing his farm again! And the new topping will also make money to pay back the Italianis for the murshed termaters!”

At that the kangawrong blushed but could not resist a fancy hop. However, it checked first that it wasn’t going to land on anything.

“Why, this is wonderful! This is the most wonderful thing in all of the worlds!” The giant man beamed at the croco-diamond.

“But there’s one more thing,” said the croco-diamond. He produced, from under the table, the new packaging that would soon contain the best and most crunchy snack in all of the worlds.

The kangawrong looked at the box, and its eyes went plink plink poink.

For there, on the front of the box, was a picture drawn by the croco-diamond and not too badly of the kangawrong. The lettering on the box said “Kanga Crisps.”

Beside the box, the croco-diamond placed a glass jar. On the front was a picture he had drawn of himself in a white chef’s hat, holding a spatula. All murmured their admiration of the glass jar which would soon contain the new topping.

“But what will you call the topping?” asked the giant man.

“I think I will call it...” The croco-diamond paused dramatically, and then said -

 “Salsa!”  

And the giant man laughed and the kangawrong clapped.

Because it was the silliest thing they had ever heard.

Chapter 14: All Learn From the Croco-diamond’s Song

“Gentleman, please!” said the croco-diamond, “Before you tooth him with your teeth, may I offer up a parable?”

“Pair a bowls? Them’s the thangs you et spaghetti in, right?” Asked Earl. “That feller talks funny but he’s always givin’ us things.”

“Parable. It’s a story whose purpose is to teach a lesson,” said the giant man. “I would mention also that it’s a VERY SHORT story,” he added, giving the croco-diamond a look.

“Very well then, the parable,” said the croco-diamond. “Once there was a - feller.”

The whitey biteys looked bored. One said, “That feller’s jest gonna talk some more stuff nobody unnerstans what he’s sayin’. I thought we was gettin’ some spaghetti.”

The croco-diamond had to keep their attention and make them understand.

So he sang his parable.

“Once there was a feller, he never was a yeller!”

On the wharf the kangawrong did drum jumps to accompany the croco-diamond.

“He would not get maaaaad

Even when others made him sad

Because they did things that were bad

He said the best way to live

Was always to forgiiiiive!”

The croco-diamond lifted the octopeu from his head and looked into his eyes, which were still covered, sort of, by the sunglass. The tentacles stretched but did not release the croco-diamond’s head.

“And if you’re bad or tell lies

You must always apologiiiiiize!”

“I think that feller is on ta somethin’ with his pair-a-bowls,” said the largest whitey bitey. “Anyways, now we got back our fine mittens. We don’t need no more bother with that crafty feller and doin’ things like to tooth him.”

The octopeu released the croco-diamond’s head and plopped with a ploop into the water. The croco-diamond poked him with a nail and whispered “Go ahead.”

“Here ees a leetle song from moi.

I le stole your le meetens

eet was very bad

I made every fone oh sooooo sad

I jeest fant to say I’m sorry

I am good now

plees don’t worry!”

All clapped and the octopeu bowed.

Earl said, “Aw shucks, pardner, we done forgave you your stealin’ all our fine mittens.”

And then the whitey biteys sang their own song for all who had brought the mittens:

Under the sea! Under the sea!

Won't you come see us under the sea?

We'll eat starfish crackers and jellyfish cheese!

So pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease

Won't you come see us under the sea?

Slowly their grey heads vanished into the water as the last line was being sung. Soon all that could be seen in the deep were the OrangeUGlad and BananaSafely mittens glowing in the water.

#

The kangawrong patted the giant man’s leg. When he bent down creak oof it handed him the beret and scarf it had knitted from the sock. The giant man put his hand in the water KERPLUNK and the octopeu took the gifts.

“Ees perfecto! Very stylee!” With his scarf, beret, and sunglass the octopeu looked very Freuch.

“Well, I am finally glad he wears red socks!” said the croco-diamond. “The color is very suitable to the octopeu’s complexion I think.”

#

After the whitey biteys and the octopeu departed the croco-diamond made a few more swim strokes in the water so all on the wharf could see how well he swam. Then he swam the length of the wharf, following the kangawrong and the giant man.

The sun dried the water from the croco-diamond’s back and he lay sleepily on the sand as the giant man pulled out a snack for all to eat.

“Given your song, is there anything you’d like to say to us?” he asked the croco-diamond, handing him a plate of pretsicles.

“Yes, yes there is.” The croco-diamond put his plate of pretsicles down in the sand and looked at all with a serious expression.

“I think my song was better. I have much more range than the octopeu.” He began to hum dee dee deetle deeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

“Anything else?”

“Hm,” thought the croco-diamond, “I wanted to tell you about what happened on my mission but thought I should wait until dinner...dinner...Oh dear, I’d forgotten!”

The croco-diamond quickly dumped his plate of pretsicles into his mouth and hurriedly crunched them. He indicated to the kangawrong and the giant man by madly flapping his front feet that they should finish their snacks as well.

“In all the excitement of the mission I forgot about THE experiment! We must return home IMMEDIATELY! He is going to be waiting...”

“Oh no,” said the giant man. “What now?”

crack and cracked

My skylight got cracked somehow. Annoying.

I had to wait a week to go up and look at it because of my eyes - in that time it got bigger

I caulked it as advised by the internet - it hasn't gotten worse and isn't leaking

other bad things we did

A few other pranks that my friend C and I did at work...

There was a guy we don't like particularly who talks really loud and who thinks all women are maids. We unscrewed some screws in his chair and when he sat in it it toppled over.

We also put things in his work shoes (he goes running after work so leaves his shoes in his cube). Those things include a gummi worm, a jolly rancher, staples, a paper clip, and a slightly chewed piece of gum. He never seemed to notice. Then one morning he was like "whoa, I just found the oddest thing in my shoe!" C and I were like "oh shit!" but it turns out a tiny bear statue that C had on top of her flat screen monitor had fallen off the monitor and into his shoe. He gave it back to C and suggested she put it somewhere else so it wouldn't fall in his shoe again.

Is it possible to die laughing? Probably. Because we almost did.

Chapter 13: The Whitey Biteys Confront The Crafty Feller

The croco-diamond surfaced dramatically, taking in a deep breath of air and blowing large amounts of water out of his snout.

“I am ALIVE! Though I have been gone for so long, I have returned, and returned victorious!”

“Five minutes you’ve been gone, I’d say, from the sun,” offered the giant man helpfully from the wharf.

“Time passes more slowly under water because of...lack of gravity,” said the croco-diamond.

“We are glad you’ve returned!” said the giant man, and the kangawrong did a special twirly hop, slap hop, and pop hop in celebration.

“My dear, dear friends. I...knew you would miss me!” The croco-diamonds eyes filled once again with tears. “As for my victory...”

“You got the mittens back?” Asked the giant man. He sounded proud of the croco-diamond.

“I did. But. There is still...I have a special mission...for you.” He looked at the kangawrong, who stopped doing pop hops. Its ears went flunk down to the side of its head. It clasped its hands together and wriggled its fingers nervously.

“Have you...your knitting needles?”

The kangawrong produced them from its fedora.

“And have we any yarn?”

The two on the wharf looked around them. Finally the giant man said “My socks could be made into yarn.”

“Then forthwith and post haste! A beret and a scarf for the crafty feller!”

At which mention the octopeu popped up near the croco-diamond and cried, “Eye doan like ziss bright light!”

“Measurements dear fellow. We want to be accurate.” He patted the octopeu on the head quish Quush.

“But eets hurt me le blinkers!”

The croco-diamond gave the giant man a look that said the whining isn’t going to stop anytime soon with this feller. So the giant man departed to the ticky-tap-tap and returned with the lens from a pair of his sunglasses and a rubber band.

Using one of the kangawrong’s knitting needles he poked two holes in the lens and then threaded the rubber band through.

He handed the lens to the croco-diamond, who helped the octopeu put it on.

“Le glassee es verrry styleesh!”

The octopeu made a few minor adjustments of the lens with his tentacles and forgot all about being upset.

When suddenly.

A large fin rose menacingly out of the water.

Followed by another large fin.

And six more.

The rotund head of the largest whitey bitey surfaced, its black eyes gleaming. Next appeared the head of Evett, who smiled threateningly with the most teeth in all of the worlds.

“Oh la troub-lee!” screamed the octopeu.

It wrapped its tentacles around the croco-diamond, bopping him in the head with the mittens and klonking its sunglass into one of the croco-diamond’s teeth. A mitten fell off in the struggle and a tentacle went up the croco-diamond’s nostril.

“Phht! Phhhch! Unhand me you octo-hander!”

The croco-diamond tried to shake off the octopeu but its tentacles just wrapped more tightly around him. All the mittens fell off in the struggle.

When next he could see (the octopeu had squoshed himself over the croco-diamond’s eyes) bleu ribbons floated everywhere like broken branches. And all the whitey biteys were mitted.

They glared at the octopeu.

“Evett, y’all shore was right ‘bout that bein’ the crafty feller.” The largest whitey bitey pointed a mitted fin at the croco-diamond. “He done thinks we’s gonna be fooled by that there dee-skies.”

“That there’s the worst dee-skies I done seen out of alla the dee-skies-is in all the worlds,” said Evett. “Pretendin’ ta be a crocker-die-min hat. Everybody know that they don’t wear no hats.”

“Well, whatcha boys thankin’ we gonna do with that there crafty feller?” asked the largest whitey bitey.

They swam closer to the croco-diamond, who still had the octopeu perched on his head.

The lots of sharp teeth were very close indeed.

Chapter 12: Disguised, He Attempts To Out craft The Crafty Feller

“Hand me a mitten, forthwith and post haste!” The kangawrong gave the croco-diamond the mitten it had been holding.

“Gentlemen, to the cave!”

The croco-diamond leaped into the air with the mitten wrapped in his tail. He touched his front feet to his back feet, and then gracefully executed his dive into the water. The whitey biteys were impressed as he barely made a splash.

They swam down into the cool water, which was at first a light green, then a dark green, then a dark blue. Having been away from the water for so long the croco-diamond was quite pleased with his swimming.

He was also afraid.

After some time, they arrived at a rocky wall at the base of what was indeed a cave. It was dark. And scary. Just as the croco-diamond had imagined.

“Mostly that crafty feller’s in there, when he’s not out falootin’ in the water stealin’ up everybody’s stuff like mittens,” said Evett, pointing with his fin at the cave.

The croco-diamond faced the whitey biteys, trying to look brave.

“Quickly, and as according to plan, I will begin the implementation as outlined and sketched and prepped previously and prior to our descent to this chasm.”

“That feller don’t never talk no sense. Whatcha think we’s supposed to do that he jest said?” asked Earl.

The croco-diamond waved away the whitey biteys with his front foot, dismissing them.

As the whitey bitey swam away he pulled the mitten over his snout and head glad none could see how ridiculous he looked. He planned, and not because he was afraid, to lure the octopeu out of the cave by pretending to be a mitten.

He let his body float gently to the bottom of the sea floor.

He waited.

And waited.

Waiting with his head in a mitten was boring. Surely an hour had past? A day, at least, maybe a week. His stomach was hungry and the croco-diamond had to squeeze it with his hands so it wouldn’t let out a grumble and give his ruse away. 

He suddenly thought of the kangawrong, who was finally gaining weight. He thought of how he had taken its cringle crisps for himself even when he was sure that the kangawrong was the one who secretly made him gifts like his jewel brush and the crutches. And how because of him it had hurt its feet and turned purple in the colossal cringle crisp caper. And worse, how he had tried to send the kangawrong instead of himself on this very dangerous mission.

He thought also of the giant man, so kind, who had taken him in when no one else would have him, even the other croco-diamonds who to be honest had kicked him out of the swamp. The giant man never yelled at him though the croco-diamond did the most horrible things like sneak eating all the cringle crisps and blaming the clouds.

The croco-diamond was suddenly so sad that tears might have fallen from his eyes. It was hard to tell since he was under water.

And what would happen to his poor beloved friends if he never returned from this dangerous mission? The giant man would surely go bankrupt and lose his farm. He was, to be honest, terrible at picking cringle roots and marketing.

The kangawrong would never have a bath again and would become matted, stinky, and so depressed that it would never make a fancy hop again.

And maybe the giant man would forget his promise to rename the cringle crisps to croco-diamond crisps, which is what the croco-diamond wanted more than anything in all of the worlds.

Everything was so terrible to contemplate that the croco-diamond began to cry inside the mitten. He shook with sobs, sure that this was the end for himself and for his dear friends.

“Ooh la, ees zees a meeten? A weeping meeten?”

The croco-diamond quickly wiped the snivel from his snout on the inside of the mitten and then peeped out of a hole between two stitches in the yarn. The crafty feller had arrived. 

The croco-diamond saw a black body, with two large tired eyes. Eight tentacles curled around the body, floating gracefully in the water. At the end of each tentacle was an oversized mitten. The octopeu had fastened the ends of the mittens with bleu ribbons tied with bows that, presumably, kept them from falling off his tentacles because the mittens were way too big.

The croco-diamond found the octopeu so ridiculous that he unexpectedly laughed. SNICKER SNICK.

“Ooh la, now zee meeten, eet zuddenly make a hee hee?”

The octopeu glared at the mitten.

“Wat ees thees ha weeth zees meeten?”

“My dear sir, I am quite sorry,” said the croco-diamond, from inside the mitten. “It’s just that you - you look ridiculous! Those bows don’t even match! Bleu with OrangeUGlad and BananaSafely? Ha ha! And I’d always read that the Freuch were so stylish.”

“Ooh, but I am quite zee styley! You critique moi, monsieur meeten? You are zust a yarn! And I am a Freuch! I spit on you! You yarn!”

The octopeu produced an inky substance that floated s  l   o    w     l    y toward the croco-diamond.

“I - I apologize, dear sir. I meant no ill will. I suppose I am - just - jealous. Where ever did you get those fine mittens?”

“Ay stoled zem from zee le whitey biteys! Zay do not deserve zees fine-airy.” The octopeu then paused, suspicious. “Zoe, zee meeten...ees je-aH-lous of...my meetens? How ees zees possible?”

The croco-diamond dashingly pulled the mitten from his head.

“Because I am in fact NOT a mitten! And you will unmit yourself or I will! I will! let me think a moment... Unravel you!”

With that the croco-diamond displayed his gleaming white gold teeth and his shiny long nails. He jumped to his hind feet and sucked in his stomach.

“WUF! THE MITTENS, SIR!”

The octopeu began to cry.

“Ooh wah wah! You take me meetens? And hee hee at my bows? No fone breeng to me gefts! Jus gefting to zee le whitey biteys!” Its eight tentacles covered its eyes. “Boo hoo hoooo!”

“You are a crybaby! Indeed! You steal things and then think you don’t need to give them back! You are a selfish creature! And look so ridiculous in those mittens!”

The octopeu sobbed even louder. “Oh, oh! No fone loafes me!”

The croco-diamond suddenly felt bad. He reached out his front foot and patted the octopeu on his soft head squish squoosh sqush.

“Dear sir please, let’s be calm. And please, please don’t cry anymore.”

“Because it’s annoying,” he couldn’t help to say, but he said it quietly.

The octopeu attempted to stop crying with a snuffle and a wuffle.

Fuffle fuffle.

He finally stopped and looked expectantly at the croco-diamond.

Who had to think quick what to do next because this wasn’t in the plan.

He finally said, “If I made be so bold, I would like to propose a solution to this situation. Which, if you will agree to said solution, loses you the mittens, but gains you - a gift.”

The octopeu blinked his tired eyes. Its mitted tentacles swirled around it.

“You geeve me a le geft?” It finally asked, rubbing away the last tear.

“Yes but, post haste, we must go! To the surface! Le quickly!”

The croco-diamond, even in a situation, couldn’t help but show off that he knew some Freuch.

separation anxiety

My work friend C has been moved from across me to the upstairs of our building. It's like she's in a universe far, far away. The only upside we can see to this crap situation is that we'll both be getting more steps on our fitbits when we visit each other.

But before she moved we played one final prank (we are known, or in some cases not known, for our little pranks). C is sort of a hoarder and had tons and tons of papers in various cabinets and overheads in her cube. She was despairing moving it and I, the minimalist, was like "just throw it all away". But it all had to be thrown in a shredder which would have taken hours because the opening is so small (no one could find the key for the lid).

So I said "let's put the papers in Mr. Army's office." Which we did. We put piles everywhere on his desk. We threw CDs on the floor. Etc.

Well, when Mr. Army finally came to work on Wednesday (he was out monday and tuesday supposedly with an ear infection but rumor mill says he was taking care of his girlfriend who just got fake boobs) he had a coronary.

As it turns out, most of the papers we put on his desk my colleague C had inherited from her colleague D who we don't like at all. Prank bonus points. Mr. Army took one look at the papers, saw they were D's papers, and in proper adult style took the papers and threw them all over D's cube while screaming "WHY DID YOU PUT YOUR SHIT ALL OVER MY OFFICE?????" D cowered in a corner and denied they were her papers, which just made Mr. Army madder. It was seriously a lot of papers. Like 3 large garbage bags worth of papers.

Then today C was cleaning her cube with cleaning supplies and we found one cabinet she had forgotten to empty. She was like "fuck me, I have to carry all this shit upstairs?" and I said "um, no, because we can put it in Mr. Army's office."

We hid little piles of papers in every desk drawer and cabinet in his cube. He will never find them all until he retires and cleans everything out.

Chapter 11: A Crafty Feller Commits A Crime

Besides cringle picking and mitten making, the croco-diamond spent, it was noticed, a lot of time in the library. He said he was doing research to cure his cringle crisp allergy.

The kangawrong was also busy - peeling, knitting, and fancy hopping. It was so industrious with these activities that it didn’t have time to fix its fedora, but continued to wear it even though the brim had fallen off and only one ear hole was still intact because of the accident in the ton-o-tap.

The giant man’s production was going well, sales were steady at the market, and after calculating profits he determined in two weeks time he would be ready to send his first batch of cringle crisps to a store.

#

One evening in the library the giant man reminded the croco-diamond he needed the design for the cringle crisp packaging soon and the croco-diamond’s portrait needed to be taken for the box. The croco-diamond had also promised to design the lettering on the packaging, which would say “Croco-diamond Crisps.”

The croco-diamond, who didn’t seem to be listening, responded only with a request for the giant man to buy him some termaters the next day at the market. He didn’t look up from the book he was reading, Ancienti Mexicani Miracali Cures.

So the giant man addressed the croco-diamond sternly. “Renaming the cringle crisp to croco-diamond crisps is what you wanted more than anything in all of the worlds. How ever, you don’t seem to be working on the packaging. Or marketing.” He paused. “Is everything okay?”

The croco-diamond looked at the giant man. He said only one word.

“Termaters.”

#

When the giant man gave the croco-diamond the termaters he took them out to his hammock. Later, when the giant man checked the croco-diamond’s hammock, he discovered the termaters had disappeared.

#

The night before the second mitten delivery, all, except for the croco-diamond, went to bed early. Having finished his review of his plan for the next day’s mitten mission, the croco-diamond sat at the kitchen table to study another plan.

The next morning the giant man found the green tops of the termaters neatly disposed of in the trash. He knew the croco-diamond had used the chopping knife because he had put it back in the wrong place.

“Every time odd things stop happening around here odd things start happening again. And it always seems to involve one particular individual.” The giant man sighed then began preparing breakfast.

#

Arriving once again on the wharf, this time without the kangapult, all found the whitey biteys they had met before, and four more, waiting in the water. The whitey biteys had been talking excitedly as all approached the edge of the wharf but stopped speaking on seeing the kangawrong, who was hopping in the lead carrying mittens.

Earl said, “Howdy pardner. Uh, we got us here a sishu-a-shun. A serious sishu-a-shun.”

The croco-diamond ran in front of the kangawrong and gently pushed it aside.

“As the commander of this mission I am the lead situation solver. Forthwith, do tell, what is the nature of the problem?”

“I can’t never unnerstan’ that one when he’s talkin,” muttered Earl.

“What happened?” asked the giant man.

“Well, seems we done got ourselves robbed from our mittens by that evil feller. Goes by the name octapeu. He’s one of them types, you know, eats fancy cheeses and puts on airs all a time. ‘Specially ‘bout pickles.”

“His name, as you pronounce it, sounds Freuch,” mentioned the croco-diamond.

“Well, what ever type of name the feller has he done stoled our mittens,” said Evett.

“Have you an idea of this, er, feller’s location? We shall go there post haste and unmit him of the mittens!”

“He’s a real sneaky feller. But we got a suspishun he’s done hid hiself inna cave.”

“Ah. He’s concealed in a cave...” The croco-diamond didn’t like caves. At all. They were dark and made him afraid. But he wouldn’t show fear.

So he said, “I will command this mission. Perhaps, sir, you can proceed with the whitey biteys to the cave.”

He gestured to indicate that the giant man should jump into the water.

“I can’t hold my breath that long under water. Is the cave down deep?” asked the giant man.

“It’s a ways down, yepper,” said Evett.

“Right then.” The croco-diamond turned to the kangawrong. “I bet you can hold your breath longer than the giant man. And with those large feet you’re sure to be a strong swimmer.”

The kangawrong did not look very sure. In fact, it didn’t even know how to swim.

“Come now, it will be just like having a bath. You like having baths don’t you?” whispered the croco-diamond so none could see that the kangawrong might not follow his order.

The kangawrong clasped its fingers together and wriggled them rapidly wrigglely wriggley. It had always done what ever the croco-diamond had asked. But it did not want to go into an underwater cave. It looked at the giant man with eyes that stretched from its ears to its muzzle.

“It can’t swim. Its arms are too short,” said the giant man.

“But its ears are quite long. Perhaps with its ears...ear paddling...a new swim stroke like fancy hopping...” The croco-diamond smiled hopefully at the kangawrong.

“No. it can’t go.” The kangawrong looked relieved. “If you don’t go, none will go.”

“Well, then. We can always knit replacement mittens and let this octopeu, er, feller, keep what he’s pilfered.”

“But ah, what if that feller jest takes em new ones when we git more? Likely that’s what he’s a gonna do, that crafty feller,” said Earl.

“This octopeu is quite crafty and has created a conundrum.”

The croco-diamond paced back and forth, scared to go underwater and into a cave. In the past he had done some dangerous things, but always to gain a jewel, never to help others.

All eyes followed the croco-diamond as he paced, mumbling, “And me without even my Strogatzian Sword. Going into a cave unarmed. My jewels. It’s going to be cold. And dark.”

The largest of the whitey biteys, sensing the croco-diamond’s reluctance, said, “Doncha worry ‘bout it pardner. We gonna be okay. We done troubled y’all enough. Thank ya kindly anyways fer thinkin’ ‘bout us time before when ya brought us them gifts of fine mittens. Which we got robbed of.”

The kangawrong held out one of the newly-knitted mittens to the whitey biteys.

“Naw, we ain’t gonna take no more them mittens ‘cause that crafty feller jest gonna steal ‘em like he done before. But thank ya kindly. We shore did like them fine mittens.”

The largest whitey bitey waved at all on the wharf with his fin, then said, “Awright boys, let’s get us back on down with them fishes an’ such.”

Suddenly the croco-diamond stopped pacing and stood on his back legs. He held his right foot up and pointed a shiny nail toward the sky.

“Gentlemen, your attention please! I have a plan!”

Growl-o-ween party

I was invited by Serenity Springs Sanctuary to spend Halloween evening getting a private tour, with some other donors, of the sanctuary. It should be hopping at night. I am hoping to finally see the mountain lion, who is rather reclusive during the day.

I accepted the invite and invited my work friend C (actually, I told her she has to come with me).

Today I got an email from Bentley that said he can't wait to see me at the growl-o-ween party. I'm interested to see what he's like at a party because he's usually pretty shy.

Also, the sanctuary said that if the weather holds I can sleep next to his enclosure. Which would be so cool. I have to figure out what to wear. I've never been to a tiger sleep over before.

One of my colleagues said "Oh nice, he can dream about eating you." No. He likes me. He wouldn't eat me.

Another colleague suggested that, as my costume, I should just put on a name tag with someone else's name on it "and then act like you're a normal person."

Hee.

And as follow up, my colleague who took her kids to the sanctuary said they had an amazing time and they got a private tour. Her son was ecstatic. Her daughter wants to be a veterinarian now so I'm arranging for her to shadow the vet when she does her rounds at the sanctuary.

Now I have to rest my eyes and stop looking at computer screens...

Chapter 10: They Accept the Request of the Whitey Biteys

The kangawrong attempted to toss another mitten into the water but because it had such short little arms the mitten landed on the edge of the wharf.

“I could probably toss the mitten very far, maybe even to the end of the ocean,” said the croco-diamond, who in fact wasn’t sure he could toss the mitten far at all, “but I am in charge of the mission. I can’t do both things.”

He held up his papers and shuffled through them so all could see that he was too busy to toss mittens.

The giant man held the kangawrong up and over the water so that it could drop the mittens in, one by one. After each fell in the water the croco-diamond would shout “Mitten transmission confirmation!” and would check off an item on his papers.

They waited in anticipation but…

Nothing happened.

The mittens floated in a circle, bobbing up and down in the waves. A sea goon landed near one, saw it wasn’t edible, and flew off.

“Hold on…I have something here…in the event of the whitey biteys not arriving on schedule with the mission…” The croco-diamond shuffled his papers. “Ah ha, it’s here!” He pointed at the papers and then held them up.

“Unleash and prepare the signaler!”

“What?” asked the giant man.

“You know, the spoon,” whispered the croco-diamond.

Right as the giant man untied the spoon and was handing it to the kangawrong who was, according to the plan, in charge of making a sun signal with it, four whitey biteys popped their heads out of the water right in the middle of the mitten circle. They looked at the spoon, looked at each other, and then the one with the largest fins turned to the wharf.

“Howdy pardners. Say there little poke-a-wrong, is that there contraption ya got a mir-roar?”

“Greetings fine sir. I am the official question responder.” The whitey bitey turned to the croco-diamond. “It is, indeed sir, a mirror.” He looked at the giant man, who nodded his head yes in support of the croco-diamond’s statement.

“Well then there fellers, ya think y’all kin lower that there contraption inna here so’s we kin use it?”

“Plunge the contraption,” whispered the croco-diamond and the kangawrong lowered the spoon into the water. The whitey biteys swam through the mitten circle, carefully choosing which they wanted. None chose a matching set of mittens but one doesn’t tell a whitey bitey how to wear mittens. Then they swam up to the spoon, admiring their reflections.

“Looka over there at Earl. Them are some fiiiine lookin’ mittens on Earl,” said one.

“An’ I’m gonna wear them fine mittens all the winter long so’s my fins don’t git so cold,” said another, who must have been Earl.

“Why, jest wait ‘til them other fishes gets a load of us. I ain’t gonna look so cold no more.”

“I tole y’all you all’d be glad ya come,” said the whitey bitey that had taken the first mitten.

“Yepper, you was shore right ‘bout that, Evett. Ya done good.” The largest whitey bitey looked up at the wharf. “Well then pardners, we shore do thank ya kindly for y’all bringin’ us them fine mittens. They’s warmed me up already.”

“But say, ah, fellers, ah, y’all got you anymore them mittens?” asked Earl.

“Now Earl,” said the one that was Evett. “Don’t you be gettin’ greedy on them fellers.”

“Well, ah, I was just askin’ ‘cause there’s more others that needs them some mittens too. So’s nobody gets them some cold fins on themselves.”

“Now Earl,” said the largest of the group. “We’s can share them fine mittens. Don’t be troublin’ them fellers none. Y’all bein’ rude.”

“Pardon me, sir, if I may,” said the croco-diamond. “The, er, feller, with the spoon, ahem, mirror, is a First Chair Knitter. And I am, as is probably apparent, a Yarn Impresario. And as the commander of this mitten mission, that being me, and as the instrumenter of plans, design, and such with and thus things as relates to the mittens, my duties and responsibilities would forthwith require I address your requests. And in the affirmative.”

“Er, ‘scuse me, but I ain’t unnerstandin’ yer words too good.”

“We’ll make you more mittens,” the giant man said.

“We don’t want to be no bother.”

Realizing now the whitey biteys were simple people the croco-diamond addressed them as such. “It’s no bother at all. We love to make mittens.”

Then he placed his front foot on the kangawrong’s head proudly and in a manner he thought would look folksy. The kangawrong clapped its hands pat pat pat.

It was agreed that the next week they would bring eight more mittens. All were happy on the drive home that their good deed turned out to be a really good deed.

There was no way for them to know that something horrible was about to happen.

Chapter 9: They Execute (almost) Perfectly the Mitten Plan

Soon the croco-diamond (Yarn Impresario) and kangawrong (First Chair Knitter) had completed four sets of mittens. Each mitten had an intricate pattern as orchestrated by the croco-diamond and knitted by the kangawrong. The croco-diamond bragged about his hard work designing the mittens, but also surprisingly praised the kangawrong for its knitting prowess.

“It’s quite good with its hands,” he told the giant man, “once it can reach things.”

“I think tomorrow we should deliver the mittens,” said the giant man, because it was the day of the week when they normally rested.

“That would be grand! Shall I send them my calling card?” The croco-diamond looked around his hammock for the calling cards he had drawn for himself one night in the library.

 “I haven’t thought out how we are going to deliver the mittens to them,” said the giant man. “I don’t believe you can send a calling card to the whitey biteys since they live in the ocean.”

The croco-diamond imagined his royal calling card floating inelegantly in the water and it made him sad.

“Surely, I wish I had brought my Bereford moo horn with me from the swamps. I had it for such a long time but never could find a use for it. Well, not to worry, I am going to devise a mission for the delivery.”

And so, excited, the croco-diamond stayed up until late in the night planning the mission to deliver the mittens. The kangawrong stayed up to help. The giant man sat with them in the library for a while, reading a book on termater companion planting that the croco-diamond had been looking at. But, feeling sleepy, he finally went to bed.

Reviewing the third book of the Poggly Woggly adventure series for inspiration, the croco-diamond initially determined that they should build a mitten cannon. But the croco-diamond was not well versed in gun powder and felt that it might be dangerous, especially given the kangawrong’s enormous feet and its habit of hopping on the wrong things.

So the croco-diamond sat at the library table, scratching his snout with a pencil…thinking…thinking…thinking…

“I’ve got it! We shall build a kangapult!”

The croco-diamond made a quick sketch and the kangawrong gathered up the needed materials. It seemed to know exactly where was kept the twine, wood, and scissors. And it was very adept at putting things together. So much so that the croco-diamond was genuinely surprised.

#

The next day they all climbed into the giant man’s ticky-tap-tap. On the front seat, between the giant man and the kangawrong, sat the pile of mittens. In the back next to the croco-diamond, in his hammock, were the kangapult, a spoon, and one of the giant man’s flip flops with the straps removed. Oh, and a large ball of twine.

Though the croco-diamond had hoped to build a siege craft of intricate design, given the time and materials, he had to settle for something less elaborate. He and the kangawrong had taken the zippy shoe skate apart and had fashioned it into what looked like, and this is not said in an unkind way, a seesaw with two wheels in the middle that were tied on with twine.

Once the kangapult was in place they would tie the flip flop to one end and the spoon to the other. According to the design, the mitten was placed in the bowl of the spoon, which rested on the ground. At the other end, the kangawrong would high jump onto the flip flop which would be suspended pretty high in the air. As the flip flop hit the ground the mitten would be thrown into the air and, one hoped anyway, into the water near where the whitey biteys might be.

They drove down a dirt road, bordered on either side with fields of crops, until suddenly they came to a hill. Over the hill was a vast beach of red sand. A light-green surf gently spread itself out on the beach before returning back into the waves. A crooked and dilapidated wooden wharf extended out from the beach into the water.

“OH NO!” Shouted the croco-diamond when he saw the water. “This is a DISASTER!”

“What’s wrong?” Asked the giant man.

“We didn’t test the mittens in green water. We tested them in clear water. The colors are going to be off. They will look horrible!”

In previous times, at this discovery, the croco-diamond would have started crying, and would have cried for days. Weeks. He would have cried for so long it would be the longest time in all the worlds.

But now that he was leading a mission, and had a kangawrong that looked up to him, at least according to the giant man, he couldn’t, wouldn’t, allow himself to cry. Instead, he requested the kangawrong follow him to the water’s edge with a mitten. There he was relieved to see that the water softened and even enhanced the colors. The mittens still looked nice.

“Well, that problem was easy for me to fix! Shall we move on and continue to execute the mission?”

They embarked out onto the wharf. First the croco-diamond, in charge of the mission, went out thump thump skrrrr skrrr, swinging his tail from side to side to clear any possible splinters to protect the kangawrong’s feet. Next the kangawrong went hop hip hop hop bump. Finally the giant man, carrying all of the parts for the kangapult, thum shudder thum shudder.

boom! (from when he set the parts of the kangapult down on the wharf)

The giant man helped the kangawrong set up the kangapult while the croco-diamond read off his instructions, occasionally checking the position of the sun to make sure things were happening on time. He paced back and forth in front of the kangapult frantically consulting his papers as the giant man and the kangawrong wound twine, placed parts, and adjusted angles, until finally -

“If I could have your attention PLEASE!” commanded the croco-diamond.

“Is the spoon situated?”

Though he could see it was, as it was right in front of him, he insisted the kangawrong give a little HOP! that it was situated.

“And the flip flop fastened?”

HOP!

“The twine - er - twound?”

HOP!

“The mitten positioned?”

HOP!

“Then by my order, as a croco-diamond, leader of this mission, and member of the royal order of this croco-talion…”

He had made that up, actually there’s no such thing as a croco-talion. But he thought it sounded official.

“…on this day, at this particular time…”

He checked the position of the sun, then referred to his piece of paper to make sure they were right on time.

“…for the mission on which we’ve embarked, for the good people of the oceans, here after referred to by their formal name, of which the name is and shall be the whitey biteys, of the genus charcharodon whitemous…”

He noticed that perhaps the giant man and kangawrong were becoming a bit bored, so he decided to skip the part of his speech about the dorsality and jawsissimmi of the whitey biteys to get on with the mission.

“I hereby command, ye there the approaching forward kangawrong, the preparing for, and, ye, the commencement of…”

And with that the kangawrong high hopped up onto the flip flop (a bit early but the croco-diamond excused the poor thing for being nervous and resolved to finish his speech later, at dinner, there were still 10 pages left). The flip flop side of the zippy shoe skate, correction, the kangapult, hit the wharf, which shuddered with a wooden creak brrrm. The spoon shot into the air and the mitten in its bowl arced gracefully up, up in the air, flying flying flying!

And then it landed, rather anticlimactically, on the croco-diamond’s snout.

The kangawrong’s ears fell flat. Its eyes went PLOCK PLOCK.

“One moment, I’m checking the plan…” The croco-diamond shuffled through his papers, muttering, “But, but I’m GOOD at physics.”

Suddenly an ocean wind blew across the croco-diamond’s snout, carrying the mitten off the wharf! And into the water!

“Quick! Quick!” shouted the croco-diamond. “We must…”

Just then a triangular fin broke the surface. And a rotund head with two black eyes popped up, bearing a mouth full of boy that’s a lot of teeth. It looked at all who stood on the wharf. The creature slipped a fin into the mitten and disappeared beneath the water.

“As I was, ahem, saying, we must have included some extra steps in the plan which, in the interest of efficiency, I now think we can eliminate.”

He gestured to the kangawrong.

 “Carry on with the mission.”