moral of the story - don't get speeding tickets

I guess my customer was tired of listening to me complain about my computer not working. Or maybe they just like rescuing damsels in distress. Or maybe the head of IT is pissed that his new computer was allocated to me until mine is fixed...

At any rate, at noon today I was getting more and more pissed that the help desk hadn't called me back so the gov agency I'm working for decided to take action to help me. The help desk had told me my company didn't have an office in Calgary but one of the gov guys said "I know I've seen the logo on a building near here". They used this app that scans the city from the top and they looked through the blocks until they found the building with my company's logo on it. I had a location to go to. Progress.

Then they went through one of their databases (don't ask) until they found the name of a guy who works at that building (think he got some speeding tickets and that's why he was in there). One of the gov guys I work with called him and said "we have a fellow employee here that needs help with her laptop and you're going to help her". I talked to the guy on the phone, explained my problem, and he agreed to help me. But, he said he had to leave the building at 4 pm and he wasn't sure my badge would work to get in. My customer got back on the phone and said "she's in a meeting with us until 4 so you'll just have to wait until she gets there".

This poor guy ended up waiting for me for an hour because I got my streets and avenues confused. I was supposed to be at the east end of town (the office was a 15 minute walk from my customer site) but I accidentally walked to the opposite end of town and then had to double back (luckily a kindly gentleman gave me directions). Four miles after initally setting out I arrived at my company's building.

An IT guy came down 5 minutes after I got there. I said "you're the only person in Canada who works after 5 pm" and he laughed. We then attempted multiple experiments to bring my computer to steady state, one of which caused my laptop to fall off a desk and the plastic corner to break off of it (don't ask - really, don't ask - it had to do with cycling the power to clear the something or other).

On top of the other issues with software, my hard drive is emitting a loud whistle (that was happening before it fell off the desk so don't blame me for that). The IT guy said "um, that's bad". He's going to rebuild my laptop tomorrow and I should have it back in the afternoon. I have to think of something nice to do for that kid. Poor thing was with me in the office until 730.

The best part of the story is the Canadian computer image is different than the US version and uses different drivers. So he's going to have to manually tweak it because the OS won't run on my computer as is. Also, I'm wondering if my spell check is going to be some fucked up Canadian US english/UK english thing. Then I'll be writing cheques instead of checks.

The good news is I got a ton of data into my customer's database last night and knocked their little socks off at the demo I did this afternoon (my meeting until 4 pm). It's not easy to be a rock star, but someone has to do it.

And now I'm going to open a bottle of garnacha de fuego and toast the kid fixing my computer even though he's not here (he better still be in the office fixing my laptop).

Why is wine so expensive here? Oh yeah, canadians only drink beer...

Calgary...

Sent this to Malcolm D. I thought it was funny, "no minors after 9 pm".

Canadians are so law abiding. Or not. This is a gypsy camp I happened upon while wandering down the bike trail that runs along the Bow River. They were very nice, especially when I produced a pack of cowboy killers.

Bow River. Nice after work walk even though it's cold.

the latest incompetence astounds even me

I work for an IT company. We supposedly help customers. That being said, my company is the most grossly incompetent place I have ever worked.

On Friday a new software update was pushed to my laptop by my company when I turned it off. I didn't turn my computer on again Sunday when I arrived in Calgary. My VPN software and my internet connection software wasn't working.

I arrived at the customer site monday morning to find that none of my software was working. Everytime I clicked on something I got a "application configuration issues prevent the application from loading - reinstalling may fix the problem". Well, re-installing didn't.

I called the help desk. They said it was an issue with my VPN software and tried to transfer me to another company. Then they said I'd have to ship my laptop back to the US to get it fixed because the canada IT help desk is different than the one in the US. Then they sent me over to hardware saying it was a hardware issue.

Since 5 pm Sunday night I've been trying to get my laptop fixed. I have spent over 10 hours on the phone with the help desk. I just found out this morning that my software issue was entered at a normal priority (meaning they have a week to get back to me) even though I explained that I was at a customer site and couldn't do any work. Today my problem was escalated to a 1 - 2 business day response, but was also told that unless I can get to an office for my company nothing could be done (I have to get on the company network). They can't fed ex me software or do anything useful. Hardware offered to send me a blank hard drive, like that would do ANY fucking good. I don't go back to the US until late next friday, and will not be able to get into one of my company's buildings because it's the weekend. I'm traveling until Christmas.

With a FUCKED UP LAPTOP. Which does not work AT ALL. Because my company can't figure out how to fix the issue. An issue THEY CAUSED by pushing out an update that didn't work.

Luckily I have a great customer here in Calgary and their IT people gave me a laptop to use. So I'll be spending the next two evenings making up for lost time.

I need a new job.

I am so fucked

Everything, and every application, is failing on my laptop. I've just back doored myself onto the internet so I have some connectivity. NOTHING is working. I have NO idea what I'm going to do at the customer site tomorrow. I have a shit ton of data I need to import for a class tomorrow and I can't run or install my software, my VMWare won't play any images (thought I could 86 my real hard drive and just play on the virtual one), I can't connect to my company's network so they can help me...

They are telling me to go an office but it appears Calgary is a "remote location", with the additional problem that I'm an American employee working in Canada. Fucking fuck. I have to get this project done in a certain time frame because I'm booked for the next 4 weeks. My customer is going to eviscerate me. There's no hope.

I should fall on my sword now.

table

And, since a few people have been asking, I am proud to announce that my dad and I bought the table.

Not sure when it will be delivered but I'll post a better picture once it's in situ.

Adult furniture. I can't believe I will soon be the owner of a real dining room table.

not to say everyone at Harvard is a sexist pig

Every year when my dad comes to Denver for vacation we watch a DVD course from the Great Courses company (my favorite course is either My Favorite Universe or Chaos). We were watching a course called the art of critical decision making done by a professor from Harvard (he's at Bryant University now).

I wasn't super crazy about the professor, and I thought the points he made about decision making were pretty banal. Every course is recorded in what appears to be the same room and this guy had a boring set up (i.e. no lab equipment, no experiments, no 3-d models of the butterfly effect). Then I noticed, on the wall behind his lectern, the picture to the left. I kept looking at it and noticed that the two men were wearing suit coats that covered their asses, but the woman's ass was not only visible, they even put a little line down it as if to emphasize it - "look, I have a cute ass".

I was like "dad, this is SO sexist! how come they cover up the guy's asses and show the woman's ass?". My dad was like "not only are they showing her ass, but look how the guys are both giving her directions by pointing which way to go".

We sat through two lectures and then decided to watch the movie "The American". The next day, while hiking up Bierdstat, we were trying to figure out why George Clooney's boss was trying to kill him.

Maybe we should have had less wine and more sleep before watching the movie.

Today is the first day since my vacation that I haven't been too tired to write on my blog. My dad makes me feel like a slug (even though most of my friends are like "you did all that shit in one day?"). When he comes on vacation I expect to get less than 6 hours of sleep and to be on the move either hiking, driving, or doing home improvement projects for the rest of the day.

That's why I have to rest before having vacation with my dad. Restful vacation? Who wants to do that?

table I think I'm going to buy

You can't tell because of the flash, but there are a series of holes in the table filled with turquoise. It looks really cool. The craftsman who made it said "I wanted to make a blackjack table/desk/dining room table". It has three legs. Very elegant.

Here's the picture from the other side. The natural holes in the table are filled with turquoise and black resin. Very cool. Half artwork, half table. The legs are made from bristle cone pine, the oldest still living tree in the world.

Note that the redwood was salvaged from dead fallen trees, it was NOT cut down (same with the bristle cone pine wood). The guy who made this table, Ken Lindstrom, is an amazing artist. He made a kitchen table, a bench, and a side table for my parents.

you should be paranoid

I don't think I'm very paranoid, but I think my dad is, a little. But maybe we're the same.

Yesterday at Castlewood Canyon I was freaking out about snakes. My dad was like "there are no snakes out here! the water puddles have ice on them! it's too cold!" And then an hour later he kicked a snake thinking it was a branch. The snake luckily slithered away instead of biting him.

After the snake incident we went to the visitor center, where my car was parked, to report our sighting on the board where you write what wild life you've seen. Then we walked out to do an inner canyon hike. But about 5 minutes into the hike my dad said "did you see your car in the parking lot?" I was like "no, but I wasn't looking for it." He was like "I don't think I saw your car". I was like "dude, we are in the middle of no where. Who would steal my car?" and he said "yeah, because it has 178,000 miles on it, who would steal that?"

But then I kept thinking, was my car still in the parking lot? Wouldn't I have noticed the absence, rather than the presence, of my car? I freaked out the rest of the hike, worried about my car (was it there??? did someone steal it???) and snakes.

My car was there. We didn't see any snakes the rest of our hikes.

Then today, when we were driving home from a trip to Salida (I think I just bought a table made from a redwood tree that's a few hundred years old...have to sleep on it) and Buena Vista (we did a hike partially up Yale, were turned back by snow, I can only wear my running shoes with my broken toe so didn't have real boots on) we had a major calamity.

In the morning, driving to Salida (it's a two hour drive from Denver on a very windy and steep road) I noticed that my passenger headlight was out. No prob, I thought, and I turned on the running lights, figuring I could get by on one headlight until tomorrow. But tonight, around 8 pm, as we were on the steepest and worst part of 285 headed back to Denver, with no ambient light, all of my headlights suddenly went out. We were headed into a steep curve, there were no cars with lights on around me, and I couldn't see shit. Luckily my reflexes were faster than normal and I managed to get my brights on (they were the only lights working - my driving lights and running lights all went out at almost the same time). I knew they weren't that bright because no one was flashing me, but I figured we'd be okay for the rest of the 45 minute drive home.

But then I noticed the brights were flickering and, frankly, they weren't that bright. I got so nervous that they were going to go out that I started sweating and my glasses fogged up. My dad was hanging onto the oh shit handle. I think we were both willing the lights to stay on at least until we got to my neighborhood (it's not uncommon for cars to drive around here without headlights).

Anyway, we made it home safe and then my dad made me turn on and off all of my lights to prove that, in fact, they had all failed on the same day. He said it's a one in a million chance that that would happen.

Lucky me. I'm feeling...paranoid.

my dad was on NPR

http://www.wvxu.org/news/wvxunews_article.asp?ID=9218

My favorite quote is about the gas streams.

out of season

Today my dad and I went for a hike at Castlewood Canyon. There, he was walking, after reassuring me as we were walking through tall grass that it was too cold for snakes to be out, when he suddenly stepped back into me and said "Oh!" I was like what????? and he said I stepped on a snake.

Numerous snakes had been spotted there, it turns out...

at least it was the right airport

My family is always late picking me up at the airport. One cold winter day when I had flown into Cincy my dad was 45 minutes late picking me up because he decided to rake some leaves. My brother left me waiting at Dulles one time for almost three hours because he decided, even though he was only 15 miles from the airport, to go home and feed his cat (then had to drive to his house and back to the airport in rush hour traffic).

So I decided to be on time to pick up my dad this morning (he flew out here for vacation, is staying until Sunday). Surprisingly though his flight got in much earlier than expected and his bags arrived 5 minutes after he got to the main terminal (that has never, in 7 years of flying in and out of DIA, happened to me).

I had left him a message telling him that I would pick him up at arrivals and to wait under the southwest sign. Luckily I called as I approached the terminal to make sure he got my message. He said "yeah, but I'm waiting at departures under the Frontier sign." Hm. Because he thought I would find him there easily????

So I swerved over to take the road to departures rather than arrivals but ended up in the wrong lane, for commercial vehicles. I had to wait for 7 taxis to go through the gate before I could take the exit back to the lane for normal cars.

And then we went to the botanic gardens. Fun. I love that place. Tomorrow we're hiking, Thursday going to Salida, not sure what's on deck after that...

really, it's all about you

This morning has been a nightmare. Besides the usual idiocy of some east coaster scheduling yet ANOTHER meeting at 6 am (I can understand this for people overseas - but there's NO reason the east coaster has to schedule these meetings at 6 am my time - in fact, it's early even for the east coast clients so most of them don't show up for the meetings). There is no reason why my company should expect me to be at work at 6 unless the CLIENT wants that.

Then I got an email that I have to take an engagement in Canada and needed to apply for my work permit immediately. I tried to explain to my scheduler that I already had two engagements for the time she wanted me in Canada. Back in the day my scheduler would have taken care of cleaning up the mess. Now I have to do it.

I found someone to take one engagement and rescheduled with my other client for a later date. Then I managed to find the obscure link for applying for a work permit on my company's crap web site. I spent $400 applying for it, plus $50 fed ex costs, and have no idea if I will get it in time. But at least the other problems were fixed. I then had to run a conference call that went over 20 minutes (and had a 2 minute start delay because my phone code for the conference service had expired and I had to get a new one - thanks for sending me a message it was expiring asspipes!).

Meanwhile, the consultant who promised to take my other engagement decided he didn't want it after all. And the sales guy on the rescheduled engagement refuses to accept the new dates I proposed, and the customer agreed to, for the rescheduled engagement. He is sales and doesn't have to fucking be there. On top of that, we were initially scheduled to do the work the week of thanksgiving but he doesn't want to travel then. If we were doing the engagement the week of Thanksgiving there would be NO PROBLEM and the customer wanted to do it that week because it's less busy around his office.

I think all these insane people in my company forget that I'm the fucking talent. And it's not about them. Fuck it. I'm just going to wait for someone to tell me where to go and what to do. I have had it trying to help people clean up their shit show messes.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!

my dad's friend wins the Nobel in Chemistry

I was talking to my dad last night and he mentioned that a friend of his, Dr. Danny Schechtman, had just won the Nobel prize in chemistry. He and my dad worked together when Dr. Schechtman was at the National Bureau of Standards.

Here's a link to one of the papers my dad wrote with Dr. Schechtman:

http://www.springerlink.com/content/931226w26181100m/

My dad told me this story: back in the 80s he and Dr. Schechtman were doing some research on TiAl (my dad was interested from a metallurgy perspective) but it would take Dr. Schechtman a few months to do analysis. So my dad wrote a fortran program that could do the research in 10 minutes (I remember him taking me into his office when I was a kid and I would feed punch cards into a machine - possibly part of this software program - also my dad would have to analyze the results to figure out why the software wasn't working - he would bring home reams of this paper with lines of green interspersed with lines of white, a little bigger than 8 x 14, with holes running down the sides and all the pages attached - when he was done with the analysis we would use the paper for drawing pictures, making banners, and creating maps for fake buried treasure that we would leave around the neighborhood to trick people).

When Dr. Schechtman left the National Bureau of Standards he wanted to have the software updated to another language. This must have been, according to my dad, a herculean task because my dad didn't document any of his code.

What I love best about the whole story is how everyone told Dr. Schechtman he was crazy...and of course, he was right!!!!!

Think about that next time someone presents you with an out of the box idea...

B roll - my first commercial

Yesterday I was up on my roof winterizing my swamp cooler when I got a text from a fellow Denver Writer's group member Kevin. He was filming a commercial in Cherry Creek and wanted me to meet him so he could return some movies I lent him. Then he told me to dress in a certain outfit so I could be in the commercial. I thought he was joking.

But he was serious. My character was supposed to be a struggling business owner, and the commercial was for a lawyer. I had to wear a suit.

I got to the lawyer's office on time but Kevin wasn't there. Instead I met Cheryl Hiltzik who is a producer from LA. When I walked up to the office door, where she and the camera man were already waiting with their camera equipment, she turned to me and said "I hope you are here for the commercial because you're perfect!" I was surprised. I felt kind of stupid in my suit and weird makeup application.

She said she normally touches people up but she liked my "natural" look (I was wearing mascara and lipstick and felt like my face was caked with makeup but I guess that's a "natural" look). Then she asked what I do for a living, and I tried to explain it in general terms but she wanted more details. She thinks software is interesting. Then she said "How can you be so geeky and so damn cute?"

Around that time Kevin showed up and I made a little comment "most of us were here on time" which Cheryl laughed at. Then the lawyer called Kevin and said he was tied up in a meeting and couldn't shoot the commercial until Wednesday. Kevin was like "okay, we wasted everyone's time, but thanks for coming" and Cheryl said "let's get some footage of her walking down the hallway at least". Kevin looked at me and said "it's going to be b roll because we needed to you actually walk into the office and meet Steve" and Cheryl said "but she's so cute I'd like to get some footage anyway."

So I went to the end of the hallway and was supposed to open the elevator doors, walk down the hall, and act like I was opening the lawyer's office door. The first time I walked so fast the camera man couldn't keep up with me. The second time I almost walked into the door and started laughing because I could see Kevin down the hallway. The third time I looked at the camera, which you aren't supposed to do. The fourth time my heel got caught in the gap between the elevator floor and the regular floor and I almost fell backwards. Finally I did it right. They also took footage following me from the back as I walked to the office door.

It was pretty fun except it was hard to not look at the camera, to slow down my walk without looking weird, and I think I was making weird faces because as soon as they would start filming me I wanted to laugh.

Anyway, I'll probably end up on the cutting room floor but maybe I'll get to be in another commercial. Also, Cheryl knows John Scott (he's a director) and I told her about my book and she said he might be interested in the story line at least. John loves rock climbing and diving (his kids started rock climbing at the age of 4). Special thanks go out to Kevin who is much better at promoting me than I am (he kept saying "tell her about the part where you were in the water with the great whites" and "tell her how you fell 70 feet").

The best part of the whole experience was that Cheryl does a ton of work for charities (battered women, ALS, down syndrome) and I told her about no barriers and paradox sports. I've always thought the paradox athletes would make at least a good documentary if not a tv series. They are all so funny and such amazing athletes. Anyway, we'll see if anything happens with that. And I hope I get to meet up with Cheryl again because she has a lot of ideas for helping non profits and I rarely meet people who are as engaged as Cheryl. I think I could learn a lot from her.

oops, I did it again

I was walking down my stairs yesterday while simultaneously laughing at a cartoon in the New Yorker (in the background of the cartoon there's a woman tied to a chair and gagged while shadowy men are carrying something that looks like a TV out her apartment door - in the foreground is a cat staring at an almost opened can of food still attached to the electric can opener - the caption is "The Crime, to the best of Tiger's recollection") when I tripped and fell down the last two steps. Thought I was going to be okay, and walked down to Veda so my friend Cam could redo my highlights. But when I took my socks off for bed I realized I had broken my toe.

Today, it hurts. Wah.

My pedicure was not chipped at all. Nice job Karen at Voila!

productivity ratings

I made a list of tasks on Sunday that I need to finish by the end of the week and I've gotten almost all of them done. I am so a type. I like making lists though because it forces me to get shit done.

One thing I did today was refinance my house. I thought it was going to be a pain in the ass but it only took 25 minutes. My interest rate went from 5.75% to 3.3%. I should be able to pay my house off in less than 9 years, which would be nice, because I won't have to worry so much about making money.

My mortgage is with USAA. They are the best bank/insurance/brokerage company ever. The guy knocked my application fee down from $350 to $75. I'm barely paying any administrative costs. And my mortgage payment is $50 less a month even though I am doing a 15 year mortgage.

I'll be so glad when my house is paid off...

In other news I'm going to my first Denver Writer's meeting tomorrow since I had my surgery in January. Should be interesting...I'm going to read the new ending to my book.

ever wonder what would happen if you put mac & cheese in the microwave for 15 minutes?

The lid melted.

I had to take it outside so my fire alarm wouldn't go off.

This is what happens...I guess I accidentally punched in 20 minutes instead of 2. And right after I put it in the door bell rang and I was talking to a guy about an organization called Stop The Violence. About 15 minutes into our conversation I went back into my house to get some money for a donation and that's when I noticed the smoke.

Ech.

Microwave is in the garage airing out. I'm not sure if it will be useable again or not. I'm burning incense. My house smells disgusting...

from Russia, with congratulations

A colleague of mine, who is russian, sent this to me yesterday on rosh hashanah.

He wrote:

The Cyrillic text of this Soviet era document (modified in the digital age, one would think) reads: "This is to confirm that the recipient of this form is a Zionist and has to be congratulated with the sweet holiday of Rosh Hashana. Shana Tova. Signed: the Major General of the Legal Service of the Soviet Arm Forces (signatures follow).

Very cool! Thanks for sending V!

perhaps they think I can now travel back in time

The incompetence of my company is starting to surprise even me. I just received a confirmation yesterday for a class I taught last week...

The best part is, I get dinged by my management for traveling without a confirmation. Did anyone in scheduling get in trouble? Um, no, because that would be logical.

hampster box

This morning my sales guy was bragging about how he was upgraded to a Camaro. I was feeling bitter because of my shitty car. I said "I can always tell which car is mine because it's surrounded by nice cars and SUVs. I don't even check the board for my name anymore."

The sales guy said "Yeah, it's so funny. When I got into Oakland yesterday I noticed as I was picking up my car that they had one of those hampster boxes parked in the president's circle." I was like "hampster box?" and he said "you know, those boxy cars (he made a box with his hands), total piece of shit car, and in the commercial they have hampsters driving the car".

I said "when did you get in?" and he responded that he had arrived a half hour before I did.

I was like "dude, that was my car!" Then we all had to go out to the parking lot so everyone could make fun of my car.

It's nice that my misery is the source of amusement for the rest of my project team.