a collaborative christmas

My friend Jeffy sent me this picture, and my neighbor came up with a great caption for it and sent it to his friends as a christmas card:

it's hard to find out what Santa's bringing you for Christmas

finally, a success in the kitchen

Today I had to go into the office for "healthy snacks day" (no, I'm not in kindergarten). I have been stressing for a week about what to bring. I decided to make oatmeal raspberry cookie bars because they are easy and usually are edible.

The VP brought sushi that was store bought. One male colleague brought nothing and the other male colleague brought these weird potato chips made by injecting the potato with air or some shit. Even dipping them in the hummus he brought could not correct the styrofoam taste.

My admin brought gingerbread that she had made in the microwave (chewy....beyond chewy).

I mention this to say, in the healthy snack competition, I didn't have a ton of competition.

In any case, after I got home I received the following email from the VP:

VP: Your pastry was awesome! You left before I tried them and then exclaimed "who made this?" Delicious! You have a food future as a pastry chef.

 (question: are cookie bars pastries? I honestly don't know)

Me: Thanks! I'm not sure about the future in food though. Those oatmeal bars are the first thing I've made this year that was edible. [My admin] is helping me with my cooking skills.

VP: Well...stick to pastry as you obviously have a knack for it. Thanks for bringing them in!

I will also mention that besides giving me the nicest gift bag (travel size sanitation wipes, a box of band aids, a freezable gel pack for my knee that can get through airport security, a small pen that fits in my back pack, and a stress ball) she also printed out the above email and put it in a little frame so I can hang it in my kitchen. 

if you're a moron, shop at amazon

After weeks of trying to figure out and research good presents to get for my family I was finally ready yesterday to get them ordered. I got all of my shopping done except for my mom's gifts, which I ordered today. I ordered a gift for my dad and my brother from amazon.

As I was ordering my mom's gifts today, however, I realized that I accidentally had my dad and brother's gifts sent to my house. For my dad's gift (spoiler alert), no big deal, it's the sopranos box set so I can easily ship it to him (I got him something else too). But my brother's gift is, without giving it away, heavy and not easy to ship (i.e. I couldn't take it to the local post office or even UPS, and reshipping would cost a lot of money). I was like FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!

So I tried to change the address through amazon's web site. No luck, because the gift was already in shipping. I called them and spoke to someone in customer service. She tried to change the address but couldn't. She redirected my call to the retail department and there a very nice woman Janelle told me she also couldn't help me. I asked if I could have the number for the shipper in the hopes they could change the address but the gift had not been assigned to a shipper yet.

I must have sounded really sad, or maybe Janelle was bored by my sad tale of trying to get my baby brother something cool for his birthday/Christmas (and that his birthday is on christmas) and totally failing because she finally said "look, I'm going to keep an eye on this order, and as soon as it's assigned to a shipper I will call them and change the address". Right at that VERY MOMENT the shipper was assigned. Seriously! Good thing I kept talking to her...

Anyway, I gave Janelle the right address, she called the shipper and had them change it, and said she'd double check the order when the tracking number comes in (I will as well, obviously).

BEST CUSTOMER SERVICE EVER. I've already sent a note of thanks to amazon for her help.

Anyway, if you're an idiot like me, shop there.

Speaking of shopping...

I was at safeway yesterday getting "groceries" and Ms. Catherine was at the check out so I went to her line because Ms. Catherine is the greatest. She laughed when she saw my groceries and said "you got more stuff there for cleaning than eating!" In my defense, they were having a big two for one sale on cleaning products. As I tried to justify myself she said "honey, you're in a BMZ!" and I was like "what's that" and she said "black mama zone!" Then she sent the girl bagging my "groceries" to produce to get me some bananas.

I froze the bananas and put half of one in my smoothie this morning. That didn't work out too well. Not sure what I did wrong but even after adding two cups of rice milk the smoothy was so thick I could hardly drink it with a straw...

sex and submission: the art show I went to last night

A few weeks ago a neighbor invited me to his gallery for an art show. I told him I would go because he lives in a cool building and I wanted to see the inside. He also said the show was for up and coming young artists. I was imagining an evening of crap wine but cool art.

Then, when I talked to him a few days ago to confirm I was still invited, he mentioned that there would be some "performance art". He wasn't kidding. Most of this blog will be pictures, because I'm guessing you won't believe what happened at the show.

First of all, my neighbor said the show was from 7 - 9. I figured I would show up at 7:20, hang out for 40 minutes, and be home in time to watch Shelter (the surf movie, not the other movie). But when I got there they were still setting up. I was embarrassed and apologized for being early and Errol said "don't worry, the night is evolving". No shit, as I soon discovered.

I helped this really cool Korean artist, who was running the show, get everything set up. That's when I started noticing that all the art had a bondage or bitter naked woman theme. One painting (for $1800) was a close up of a woman's ass, with a fart coming out of it that said "fuck you!"

Then one of the artists tried to hang some light thing he created on a metal beam going across the ceiling (he couldn't, in the end, get it to stay). I stood on a short ladder and watched as he pulled himself up to the beam. It was terrifying. Even worse was when he climbed down. The floor of the gallery is concrete and I was imagining something horrible happening. Unfortunately I got no pictures of that because I was spotting the artist as he was hanging from the beam.

you can see the rope still hanging from the beam and how high up it is - the artist that climbed up to the beam is on the left, standing on the stairs

Then the next "performance" piece started. A dominatrix from the red hand gallery wrapped her "slave" in plastic and then red duct tape and then put her on a massage table and, in turn, tickled her feet, pinched her toes hard, and tied a balloon to her.

"slave" bound up in plastic and duct tape - that's salsa chicha taking a picture - she was a very nice drag queen who hung out with me the first half of the show so she could explain what was going on - she also complimented my eyelashes

"slave" with a balloon tied to her

while this part of the performance art was going on many of the women in the group started donning "costumes", like this leather straight jacket the woman to the right of Salsa Chicha is putting on

Errol asked me what I made of the plastic wrap piece and I said I thought it was showing how women are bound in society and not able to be free. I had some theories about the red tape representing menstruation and how babies also trap women. The feet tickling and feet pinching I thought represented an abusive relationship. Finally I thought the balloon represented how women put emphasis on the wrong things in their lives (their looks, clothes, jewelry) and that makes them ridiculous.

But when I asked Star (the slave) what she thought, she said "I find it very liberating to be wrapped in plastic and duct tape".

Oh.

Then the next piece started. I'll just explain with picture captions.

the dominatrix put Star in a big balloon - she then added air to the balloon to make it bigger

here Star is popping her head out of the balloon asking others to join her - I was strongly encouraged to go into the balloon with Star, I suspect because I was one of the smaller people in the crowd - however, I had no desire to get into the balloon with a naked except for a thong Star

as people in the crowd (I am NOT making this up) started disrobing the korean running the show agreed to get into the balloon with Star - he wore his boxer shorts - the dominatrix is spanking him as he is trying to get into the balloon because he's letting all the air out - I would also mention here that I have a little crush on him because he's very attractive but I suspect too young for me - as a weird coincidence he teaches judo at the Buddhist center I was thinking to check out and he invited me to come by there some time and he would introduce me around

adding air to the balloon - you can see the korean's head and Star's head as the balloon is crushing them

reinflated - and there is a third person, outside of this picture because she's totally naked, about to get into the balloon

there are now 4 people inside the balloon - apparently the dominatrix has gotten as many as 14 people in a balloon - this one popped seconds after I took this picture - Errol was impressed because I suddenly said "let's not stand here anymore" and moved to the opposite wall, and seconds later the majority of the popped balloon hit the wall right where we were standing

At this point I decided to go outside because the gallery was getting uncomfortably crowded. It was 930 by then and people were showing up in droves (the balloon thing is very popular I guess because all of the new arrivals were in a hurry to get into the gallery to see it). I asked one of the guys standing outside how he had heard about the show and he said it was posted on something he called "fet place". I thought at first he said "pet place" but he corrected me and then said "it's like face book for fetishists". It turns out he's a furry and has two female slaves (one of the reasons I thought he said "pet place" was because he was wearing a biker style jacket, but where the biker gang theme would go he had a patch that had two stuffed animal puppies).

At that point I was pretty disgusted with the people in the gallery so I left. There wasn't a single male submissive at the gallery and all of the art work was derogatory toward women (women getting a come shot to the face, tortured women cursing men, woman on woman domination). And MOST OF THE ARTISTS WERE WOMEN. WHAT THE FUCK????????????????

Also, I found the women there annoying, bragging about being someone's slave and being led around in bondage gear. Errol said I was taking things to seriously but I don't think I am. That's why women in the middle east are held down. They have to walk around in fucking burkas. I would also say that Salsa Chicha agreed with me.

Anyway, I have some interesting neighbors...

another dinner disaster!

I offered to make my neighbor dinner last night as a test run for a larger neighborhood dinner. In fact, I had 5 recipes for each day of the week and was planning a new and exciting dish for every night with the idea that I could give my two neighbors some of the dinners and maybe they would cook something for me next week.

The recipe was from a famous french restaurant, and was for red wine chicken. Who doesn't love red wine? And aren't the french supposed to have great food? The recipe looked easy, just make the marinade, marinate the chicken, chop some vegetables up, and cook. I also found a recipe which CLAIMED to be easy to mix, no fail, slow cooker baked apple butter rolls. I found that on a blog written by a woman who claims she can't cook and she posts recipes she can cook. With pictures as proof that the recipe turned out.

Immediately I was a little worried when the marinade, which the chicken had to sit in for 24 hours, smelled, well, weird. In retrospect, chicken and red wine don't seem to be a great mix. And the recipe called for potatoes, but it only mentioned pre-cooking them for 2 minutes before adding them in with the chicken.  That seemed strange because potatoes take forever to cook.

at least the vegetables LOOKED good

Here's what the chicken looked like pre-cooked. I didn't bother to take a cooked pic because it looked basically the same, only more beige. Under those chicken thighs are 6 carrots, 3 onions, and 18 ounces of baby potatoes which I cubed even though the recipe didn't suggest that. As it cooked a mild vinegar smell permeated the kitchen. I should have known that was not a good sign:

why do most chicken recipes look like botched abortions?

The chicken was SUPPOSED to cook for 45 minutes. It ended up taking 1:15 minutes to cook through. The potatoes? Pretty much as raw coming out as they were going into the oven and they were inedible (I learned on NPR this weekend that raw potatoes can kill people - same is true of raw beans - it was a TED talk about how cooking aided evolution - surprised my ancestors survived, but that could explain why I eat a lot of salad). The carrots were good but also not really cooked. The chicken was okay where the marinade hadn't soaked into the meat.

As for those fucking apple butter no fail so easy to make a moron could do it rolls?

the dough smelled good but looked like petrified poop

and I will never again trust a recipe that gives the cook time as "60 - 90 minutes" - are you fucking kidding? a 30 minute difference????? also, instead of filling my house with the smell of baking rolls my house smelled like burning paper from the parchment paper I had to put in the slow cooker

we tried, but we couldn't taste the rolls, they were too hard to bite into - I've been throwing them at the asshole squirrel who is eating my lawn furniture

So, basically my neighbor asked that I never, ever, ever, EVER cook EVER again. I'm not sure what went wrong but even my neighbor's cat wouldn't touch the chicken parts that had marinade on them. They went home and ordered pizza, which I know because I saw the delivery guy.

Sigh. I swear I exactly followed the recipes. I'm trying to not give up on cooking. But I think I'm genetically programmed to just eat out all the time. Side note, an anecdote my aunt told me at thanksgiving: my grandmother (on my dad's side) told my grandfather she couldn't cook. And he said "but you can read, can't you?" and handed her some cookbooks. After a week of eating her food he became the cook for the family
 

further signs my Buddhist mind control is working - the singing lobster, in person

My manager, who I still dislike after spending two days in person with him, gave everyone on his team calendars that he had made at shutterfly using photos he's taken over the years. I guess that was a nice idea. I'm trying to not be insulted that he gave everyone else (guys) calendars with hiking themes, and I got a calendar called "sunrises and sunsets". To be honest I do like sunrises and sunsets (perhaps an indication that some of my thoughts are leaking into my manager's head? let's hope not!). Well, the insult wasn't so much the theme of the calendar but his surprise that I had done almost all of the hikes that he put in the guys' calendars. As if women don't hike...

Anyway, I was flipping through my calendar, and most of the pictures were taken at the beach. And at the bottom of the square date boxes on the calendar, for every beach picture, he included a little graphic. For his birth month, he included this graphic:

SERIOUSLY!!!!!!! I know you won't believe me, but that is the EXACT mental picture I had of the giant singing lobster

He made the calendars THE DAY AFTER I implemented the giant singing lobster plan (I asked him, pretending that I wanted to make a calendar). And it was only while trying to figure out the significance of the month the lobster appeared on (with the help of my admin) that I found out it was his birth month (everyone in my group gets cake or whatever on their birthday).

Coincidence? Maybe. Or maybe not.

Any Buddhists with ideas of what this means should feel free to let me know.

rats! delays!

First, may I say to Southwest, just schedule the 8:30 Oakland to Denver flight for 8:55 PM since the flight is ALWAYS delayed.

I had an odder than usual "adventure" flying home last night from Oakland. The flight was late, as usual. But there were only 47 of us on the flight (which is funny, because I was A47 so figured I'd be last on the plane but there were some B and C boarding passes - WTF?) We boarded by 8:50 but a baggage truck pulled up around then to load some boxes (assume this is because the flight only had 47 people on it so they had room for extra cargo). I was sitting at a window seat and watched the baggage guys SLOWLY load the boxes. Seriously, it took them 19 minutes (I timed them) to load 30 boxes (I counted them). Then we got out on the runway but had to wait for 3 planes to land.

Also, I had made the mistake of sitting in the "creepy consultant" area of the plane.That's the area where all the middle age guys in suits with expensive watches and little briefcases sit. It is to be avoided at all costs, but I guess I was tired and not thinking. 

The guy sitting in the aisle seat kept trying to offer me drink tickets (as if I've never been on a plane before and would be impressed he had so many drink tickets he would give them away to strangers) while also bragging loudly to his colleague seated across from him and in front of him about some great deal they did. They were high fiving each other and generally being obnoxious. 

And then they complained to the stewardess about the box loading guys, as if she could do anything to make them go faster. And of course they had to flirt with her and ask personal questions. I felt bad for her. 

We finally left the runway after waiting for 3 planes to land (20 minutes) and I put in my headphones and ignored the creepy consultants (I LOVE the this american life phone app) until the creepy consultant sitting in front of me (in a row all to himself) leaned over the back of his seat and said "would you mind if I put my head in your lap?" I gave him my asperger's stare until he sat back down. He moved to the seat in front of me and reclined his chair all the way back. I would have called him an asshole but I'm still working on my Buddhist thing.

We got into Denver at 12:32 am and I ran to the train (they only run every 10 minutes when you fly in after 11:30 pm) to get to the main terminal (you can't walk from C gate, which is where I was). The trains arrive in a hall like area, with a train potentially showing up on either side of the hall. 

A train showed up right away but after I boarded it the lights went out and a computer train voice said "this train is out of service". So I crossed over to the other side of the hall and another train showed up about 2 minutes later. Everyone got on it and then the lights went out again and the voice said "this train is out of service". So we crossed back to the other side of the hall and finally a train showed up and we got to the main terminal. I would add the train was going so slow in the tunnel that all of us in the car started laughing because it seemed like the stupid train was trying to prevent us from ever getting to the main terminal. One guy even said he was going to get out of the train because it would be faster to walk.

To complete this bizarre experience, as I was leaving the parking area I got stuck behind a bunch of construction trucks going 10 miles an hour. They were blocking both lanes. I have NO idea what they were doing besides causing a traffic jam.

Finally got home at 1:45 this morning. 



 

melatonin nightmares

It's that time of year where the weather gets cold and my zombie knee starts hurting. My brother Bob recommended I try melatonin as a natural sleep aid to help me sleep through the night (normally I wake up 3 or 4 times a night because my knee hurts), and it works. Except he forgot to tell me that one side effect is weird nightmares.

The other night I had a dream that an ex boyfriend invited me to go look at houses with him. He was going to buy a new house and had narrowed the decision down to two houses. The first house was really narrow with no windows and these weird boxy rooms that I could barely fit into. It was like a house made out of small cardboard boxes. After climbing into three rooms I felt claustrophobic and was like "this house sucks!"

The second house he took me to was a lot like his real house, except that it had a more open floor plan. I was like "yeah, this seems like a nice house" but then we got into the living room and there was a green microfiber sofa sitting in the middle of the room. There was no other furniture in the house. I thought it was odd that the sofa was there.

Then my ex sat down on the sofa and I noticed there were two dead bodies, both guys in their 20s, stuffed under the sofa cushions. As my ex shuffled around on the cushions to get more comfortable on the sofa the arm of one of the dead bodies fell out from between the cushions and was hanging down the side of the sofa. I was like "oh my god! there are dead bodies in the house!" and my ex was like "what are you talking about?" For some reason he couldn't see the dead bodies. Then he reached between the back of the sofa and the cushions and pulled out a snickers bar and started eating it. I was like "that snicker's bar belongs to one of the dead guys! I hate this house and want to leave now!"

Then I realized my ex was going to kill me and stuff me in the sofa with the other dead bodies.

Then I woke up. I haven't taken melatonin since.

thanksgiving project

Every time I go to my parents' house there's always some project that has to be done. This thanksgiving the project was finishing the attic. My brothers put up paneling and built some shelves. I helped my brother Steve build a box around some piping that my dad didn't want exposed. It took us almost a day but it looked pretty good:

I love that ladder, it's at least 45 years old

And no one was injured despite us using a saw and power tools.

My brother Steve is really getting into carpentry, and I used to refinish furniture. My aunt told me that we had italian relatives who were carpenters (like my great grandfather). I also found out the name of the village in Italy that my family is from, Caserta. We still have relatives that live there (I was able to see their houses using google maps) and my aunt is going to get me some contact information for them. I am thinking to go to Italy next fall to visit them. I once did a trip from Rome to the amalfi coast and must have driven right through my town without knowing. Caserta is known for a huge castle that's in the town and for being the village that Dr. Amalfi's (from the sopranos) family is from.

I also had to carry 5 bookshelves worth of books from the second story of the attic down to the first story, organize them, and then put them on the bookshelves. That took me 8 hours and then my dad mentioned, on the ride to the airport, that I had missed two boxes of books in the back of the attic. Oh well.

I would also mention that I was not sure how my Uncle Joe would react to my pink hair. At first he was feeding me shit about it and then, at thanksgiving dinner, he said "I actually really love your pink hair." Nice.

pets

I just returned home from visiting my family in Williamsburg. Of my siblings, I am the only one without a pet.

Their pets:

My sister's dog Max is staring at the door at the right of this picture because my brother's cat is in that room. Max sat there for at least 2 hours waiting for the cat to come out (we never introduced them because of the last thanksgiving disaster).

My brother's cat Greta hanging out next to a floral arrangement...

...and then hanging out in the floral arrangement.

universal conspiracy

Last night I was supposed to attend an alumni event at a ping pong bar called Ace because I'm trying to be more social and network and all that shit that normal people do without trying. My friend and I got there and we didn't see any people who looked like alumni so we decided to go somewhere else. As we were leaving Ace we noticed a group of about 5 men in their 60s wearing name tags standing in a darkened area on the enclosed patio. Guess that was the alumni event. 

We went to Beast + Bottle, which is a very cool restaurant, and we split a flat bread pizza thing. We sat at the bar and the bartender mixed all the drinks right in front of us and kept spilling stuff on my hands. Finally he dropped an ice cube almost in my glass of wine and I picked it up and started explaining the limited science I know about ice cubes. Suddenly he decided to go mix his drinks somewhere else and my friend was like "why don't you put the ice cube down now that you've managed to scare every guy in this place away".

Well, my attempts at being social aren't always well received.

Then today I was walking home from getting my hair done and I decided to take a route I've never taken before. I ran into a guy I see all the time on my walks, except that he was at his home, in the front yard, washing his dog.

We've always just said hi to each other but this time he introduced me to his dog (Meathead) and then told me his name, Errol. He complimented my pink hair and then asked if I wanted to come to an art gathering he's having at his house in a few weeks. He's an artist, though he shows in Arizona because he said the art market in Denver doesn't allow an artist to have a good living. He lives in a really cool building so I was like "of course I'll come!" because I want to see the inside of the place. He's having a gathering of up and coming new artists in Denver.

Should be fun. And another chance to meet people in the neighborhood...

if you love animals, recycle your toilet paper tubes

One of my neighbors has decided to start hosting dinners so people who live on our block can meet each other and hang out. The first neighborhood dinner was Tuesday. A couple who just moved into a house a few doors down from me came (unfortunately a few other neighbors who were invited couldn't make it).

The couple, Mike and B, have just moved to denver after living overseas for 2 years in new zealand and asia. It was interesting to hear about their experiences since I've not been to most of the places where they lived. They are self described urban hippies, and at some point the conversation turned to vegetarianism (my neighbor made a dinner that was mostly meat). Mike and B hardly eat any meat, and B was commenting how most people have no idea where meat comes from and how meat gets wasted in the US.

So I mentioned something about eating squirrels since I hate them and want the squirrels in my backyard to die. Mike agreed with me but B got upset and said I shouldn't kill animals even if they are annoying squirrels. My neighbor agreed with B and then recounted the following story which I found hilarious.

My neighbor was watering his front yard when he noticed a squirrel running around with a toilet paper tube stuck on its head. Being an animal lover and all that shit, he tried to coax the squirrel over to him so he could pull the toilet paper tube off its head.

Unfortunately he startled the squirrel right as it got close enough for him to remove the tube, and the squirrel went darting into the street and was almost immediately run over by a car.

I guess it's true that no good deed goes unpunished...

buddhist thinking - it works?!?!?!

On Monday I implemented my new Buddhist thinking plan at work to see if I could change things with my micro managing boss. My experience with Buddhism consists of an hour and a half documentary I watched, and an email from my brother Steve:

If you really would like to understand the Buddhist mind, you should find a teacher who teaches Transcendental Meditation (http://www.tm.org/).  You may want to read Maharishi Mahesh Yogi’s book, but it’s really quite bad and full of nonsense statements.  A better book of meditations is Dr. Wayne Dyer’s Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life.

 

But you have a fundamental misunderstanding.  The practical Buddhist is one that can, “Let those things that truly do not matter slide,” as described by Tyler Durden.  

 (side note: I wonder if he was joking about the transcendental meditation thing, he's a republican)

So, not actually knowing how to officially Buddhistically implement a plan I decided to take Steve's "let things slide" idea and mash it with the "relieve human suffering" idea and then I created a plan:

1. start every interaction with my new boss in the most positive way possible by complimenting something about him
2. ignore the negative things he says (let things slide, he's negative because he's suffering), and when he says negative things...
3. conjure an image of him sitting in a restaurant surrounded by good food with soothing music playing in the background (his favorite thing to do is go to nice restaurants and eat good food) and project this image at his brain (basically make him think my thoughts are his own thoughts)
4. if more negative comments continue add a water feature in the restaurant, then a fish tank, and maybe more food since I'm not sure the food dishes I put on the table at the beginning of my meditation thing are food dishes he likes
5. if that doesn't work, imagine a giant lobster serenading him with Frank Sinatra standards- I know for a fact he loves to eat lobster

While all this meditation does make it hard sometimes to follow the conversation, I've found, since Monday, that my plan works! In Monday's interaction I had to go to step 5. Tuesday, I only got to step 4, water feature. And I found that when I get to the water feature now he might be negative but he also is at least listening to me.

In fact today I had a goal review meeting with him, which I was dreading, and it went really well (confession: I went straight to the singing lobster because I had to pay close attention in that meeting). He even said he wants to schedule more meetings with me since I'm his only remote (not in california) person. And I made some suggestions to improve (i.e. make less dictatorial) some administrative processes he's put in place and he not only agreed with me but even sent out an email updating the processes after my call with him.

So, I'm pretty much all about the Buddhist thing now. Except that when I was talking to my mom she said something about Buddhists being vegetarians. Which would mean no more pepperoni pizza or bacon for me. I'm going to have to meditate on that.

cook central

For some odd reason people keep inviting me places...

Last night a friend invited me over for dinner. It turned out everyone at the dinner was in the restaurant business. John, who trained at the CIA in NYC and cooks at a well known japanese restaurant, made the dinner, and was kind enough to let me sit in the kitchen and watch what he did. He also answered all of my questions, even the ones unrelated to dinner (e.g. how to make bone marrow soup, what brains taste like).

John made this meat thing that's like filet mignon but a cheaper cut (can't remember what it was called, I should have written it down). He said that it's cheaper because people don't like the way it looks (it looked like a just born puppy still in the birth sack until he cut it up). He also made au gratin potatoes and broccoli rabe. Everything was excellent.

There was also in attendance M who's been John's best friend since he was 4, a guy who is opening a ramen place near my house, and another guy, K, who invests in restaurants among other things. Ramen guy invited me to the soft launch of his restaurant and was lamenting the fact that there are "so many fucking foodies" in my 'hood. John and K discussed what it would take for John to open his own restaurant. When the shop talk got too technical I talked to M who used to be a marine.

The conversation kept turning (and not because of me, I swear) to offal and eating things like squirrels and snakes. Apparently with offal you should cook it down and wash it a lot (John said for 10 lbs of raw offal you should end up with 2 lbs when it's done cooking and that it should be washed 5 times, else you are eating, as he eloquently put it, "some animal's poop"). Then K and ramen guy tried to convince me that they could cook a squirrel in such a way that I would think it was the best thing I'd ever eaten. John said he was sure he could get me to eat liver. I was like "why can't you guys make me a pizza instead?"

They also talked about some cooking contest thing that had just gone on. John and ramen guy were talking about the prize, the big green egg. Both John and ramen guy are obsessed with it and want a big green egg (ramen's wife won't let him buy one until he gets rid of other kitchen stuff, and John doesn't have room for one at the moment). Ramen said the contest is kind of bullshit because if the winner already has a big green egg (at this point in the evening there was a lot of drinking going on, I was told that's what people in the restaurant business do, so some of the stories were a little unclear) they don't get to take the big green egg as a prize, they just win the contest. John said "I think that's the same fucking big green egg from 10 years ago".

Around 8:45 I decided it was time to head home. My friend called me 10 minutes later to say I broke up the party and then asked if I had any extra dish soap.

No shock my contribution to the dinner party was a cleaning product...

eastern thinking

I have a new boss at work and at least at the present time I can safely say he's the worst boss I've ever had. I've had bosses who were assholes but never a boss who is an asshole and a micro manager. Without going into details, he has also said a number of humiliating things to me in meetings in front of my colleagues (I suspect, among other issues, he doesn't respect technical women, or maybe women at all). I would also mention that other colleagues are having, or have had, the same experience that I'm having.

So I will freely admit I've devised a number of ways to subtly torture him. He's asian and has a hard time pronouncing some words, so I ask questions which he has to answer using the hard to pronounce words, and then I ask him to repeat himself, saying that I can't understand him. Someone even suggested I change my name to "lobster claws".

I also send purposely complex emails to him because he has a tendency to cc everyone on the planet and make derogatory comments about what ever topic I've emailed him on in an attempt to make me look like an idiot. Unfortunately for him, his reading skills aren't great, so what ever he responds with is usually unrelated to what I've emailed him about (it can take up to an hour for me to craft these emails, putting in key trigger words that I know he wants to rant about but that turn out to be unrelated to the email topic). He's stopped ccing everyone or attacking me via email because people were responding to him "what are you talking about" or "I'm not sure why I was cced on this because it's not related to my work". Haha.

But then Friday night I was watching a PBS documentary about Buddha (my friend Jess was like "you are the only person I know who watches free public tv via a dvd you paid for from netflix"). I'd never really understood buddhism before but the documentary did a good job explaining it. The whole point, from what I could gather, is that you can't eliminate human suffering but you can decide how to respond to suffering (that's where meditation comes in). And I started to think about my boss and how maybe I need to have a better response instead of torturing him the way he tortures me. I'm going to try it starting Monday and see how it works out.

In the meantime, I was shoveling snow yesterday and my neighbor came out to talk to me and I told her about the Buddha documentary and she said "you should go to the buddha center because I think you'd make a great buddhist". So, maybe I will go and check it out. Should result in an adventure or two I think.

sharks and scenes at the yard house

On Thursday night I met up with my friend John. We used to work together in DC back in the 90s and got back in touch after a long time last year.

I decided to walk to the restaurant where we were meeting because it's only a little over a mile from my house. By the time I got there I was nearly frozen because it was 0 degrees outside. The restaurant was packed so I texted John:

me: where are you
J: I'm standing almost right in front of you
me: I can't see, my eyeballs are frozen

While we waited for our table we stood at the bar (seriously, my ass was so cold I couldn't bend at the hips to sit down) and talked family and work. When we were seated we got into the fun subjects. John read my book and is replicating many of the adventures I had (he recently jumped out of a plane and is going to go on a great white shark trip next year).

We had a tuna sashimi appetizer and it was so good I ordered the tuna sashimi salad for dinner which the waitress said was "weird". Then John and I started talking about recent great white shark research and shark week. He's been traveling so much in other countries that he still hasn't seen any of the shows he recorded. I told him about my favorites (I got a DVD with the 6 great white episodes at target of all places - I didn't actually watch shark week on a tv) and he kept saying "don't spoil them!" (as if I was revealing a huge plot twist on downton abbey instead of a research finding about great white predation).

The tables at the restaurant were very close to each other, and John and I were seated between two couples. At some point I realized that both of the couples were staring at John and I. We were both like "what?????" and one of the guys was like "what are you talking about?" and I was like "sharks" and then the waiter came up and we all had a brief but interesting conversation about great whites and the waiter got in trouble because he was late bringing another table their drinks.

Luckily John drove me home because by the time we left the restaurant the side walks (and roads) were really treacherous.

And I didn't want John to have the only bragging rights for adventures so I signed up for a surf camp in Costa Rica when I got home. It's staffed with professional surfers and you get 4 days of coaching. I was hoping to go over the holidays this year but their first opening was at the end of January so I'm going then. I've been doing some training on my balance board the past few weeks, Monday is kick off for pilates. Surf's up soon!

Forest in the forest

I'm a big believer in mending fences and trying to sort out differences I've had with people.

For nine years my next door neighbor hated me. I was watching his dog Forest, and Forest bit a kid and subsequently had to be put to sleep. I paid to have Forest cremated even though my neighbor was hardly speaking to me at the time.

But in the past few months we have become "friends" again, largely, I think, because he's in therapy. He'd been asking me to go with him on a hike to scatter Forest's ashes, and Saturday I finally had a free day to do that.

We left Denver at 9 am and planned to go to a trail that my neighbor really likes that's outside of Nederland. He thought he knew where he was going, but he didn't. The trip took 3 hours, with us going the wrong way on 73, 58, and other roads. At one point we were driving down a narrow dirt road that looked like it hadn't seen traffic for years. I was waiting for my neighbor to murder me or for us to crash into something and die, but all that happened was we ended up back in Nederland (do all dirt roads in Colorado lead to Nederland???).

When we finally arrived at the trail it was noon. The temperature was in the forties, it was overcast and gloomy, and there was snow covering the trail. I was like "shit!" because I was wearing running shoes. My neighbor was like "shit!" because he was wearing running shoes AND shorts.

He had a plan of which trail he wanted to take, and he said he would know where to scatter Forest's ashes because he would get a feeling that it was the right place. Forest's ashes weighed about 30 pounds and that became a challenge as we were going up and down icy terrain and I don't think my neighbor has that much experience carrying weight in a backpack.

Anyway, some weird things happened on the trail, specifically - we encountered the weirdest people, but we finally arrived at a meadow and both of us knew instantly it was the place to put Forest. We scattered him near a stand of trees. My neighbor had brought a friend's dog along and as soon as we spread the ashes on the snow the dog, Oz, ran through them. I spread some rose petals from my yard and then the sun suddenly came out and lit up the meadow and the temperature got noticeably warmer. It was such a hollywood thing. The only thing that could have made the moment even more unrealistic is if a rainbow had suddenly appeared. And my neighbor apologized to me for all the shit that went on after the biting incident and even admitted that he felt bad that Forest bit someone while I was watching him. I also found out he had been in touch with the family and that the kid Forest bit was fine, which was a huge relief to me because all these years I've worried about that.

So Forest is free in a good place now. He has the best views. And when we headed back down the trail the sun had melted the snow in all of the hard spots. I know that sounds like bullshit, but it's true.

It wasn't until we got back to the parking lot that we realized we had forgotten to take a picture. But maybe that's for the best.

We headed back to Denver after one last wrong turn at the Nederland traffic circle, but stopped at a cafe for some food and a drink. We toasted Forest as the sun set over the mountains. My neighbor has gotten very spiritual lately and he was ruminating on souls and reincarnation and karma.

My take - life is short, don't fuck it up, and when you fuck it up make it right. And don't give up on people or hold grudges, they can change and do the right thing.

finis

how to get those annoying political people to quit calling

Yesterday I went to my dentist to get a real filling put in place of the temporary filling I got after my root canal (found out they put in the temp filling in case the tooth has more problems - the temp filling is squishy and can easily be removed).

I don't guess that many people laugh at the dentist office, but my dentist told me a story that was so hilarious we had to take a five minute break during the filling replacement so we could stop laughing.

Those political telemarketers keep calling my dentist's house every few minutes and she said her husband loves to torture them. The other day someone called and her husband let the person talk for a few minutes and then he said "hey, I'm pooping right now, can you hang on a second while I wipe?" 

The telemarketer hung up on him.

On a side note, I personally think it's not a good idea to answer the phone, or emails, whilst pooping for real...

root canal

I've been having a problem with a lower back tooth for about two years caused initially by my jaw mis-alignment. The tooth was so sore that I haven't chewed on that side of my mouth for at least a year.

Now that my jaw is fixed my dentist finally told me to go see an endodontist. I went to see Dr. Parri Carnes. He was GREAT.

I have to say the appointment got off to a bad start because I had to get up at fucking 5:45 to drive out to his office for a 7:45 am appointment. I reassured myself that he probably didn't think I needed a root canal because no sane person would make such an early appointment for a root canal.

He took an x-ray of my tooth, which kind of hurt because I have a small mouth. Then he did a cold test, which involved freezing a q-tip with what ever that spray crap is that you can use to blow dust off your keyboard and touching it to the tooth in question. When he did that I seriously almost vomited from the pain. He was like "yep, you need a root canal" but his voice sounded really far away.

I must have looked crazy traumatized because he offered to let me come back on a different day for the root canal. And he offered to sedate me when I said I just wanted to get it over with. I was like "I'll be fine" but he said I should take a few minutes to relax and read my magazine (Harper's, story about chicken farming) before we started. Also, he gave me pink protective eye wear because he said it matched my pink hair.

He has this cool computer controlled needle that he used to numb me. It hardly hurt at all. And except for pressure I didn't feel a thing during the root canal. The only bad part was when the part of the dental equipment I had in my mouth got stuck on my nose.

For the root canal they put in what's called a dam, which is just a sheet of really thick stretchy plastic (like a theraband), to isolate the tooth and keep it away from the rest of your mouth and then they stretch the dam over a round plastic circle (imagine one of your teeth jumping on an trampoline and that's pretty much what it looks like). The plastic circle was a little too big for my face and during one of the breaks in the root canal I somehow jostled it and got it caught on and sort of up my nose. Embarrassing.

In any case, by 9 am the whole thing was over and he offered to give me pain meds and I was like "dude, I've had organs taken out and didn't take pain meds, is this going to be worse than that?" He said "probably, no". Anyway, I have no real pain yet, especially compared to how bad that tooth used to feel.

Fingers crossed it doesn't hurt tomorrow.

And more updates soon on some other stuff I've been up to, the past week has been super busy...

...and then there was the motorcycle "accident"

FH and I visited a new brewery, Former Future, on saturday and then decided to head to wit's end to try their new selection of beers. We only had one beer at Former Future (it was good, but not as good as wit's end), thankfully, because the event that transpired next could have ended badly.

We were on FH's motorcycle (not the Ural) and debated dropping the bike at home before going to wit's end but we decided to go straight to wit's end on the bike. A blue subaru wagon pulled into the parking lot in front of us. I should mention that FH was blaring the motorcycle stereo, and the motorcycle isn't exactly quiet. We were about 7 feet behind the subaru.

Wit's end is in an industrial park so the parking lot is small, a row of parking slots on each side. As FH was trying to decide where to put the bike (the motorcycle parking had been taken over by a food truck) the subaru suddenly started backing up. FH and I yelled at the guy and FH tried to steer us out of the way but before he could push the bike backwards the guy hit us. FH laid the bike down and I somehow managed to, uncharacteristically, jump off the bike gracefully (I only got a little scuff on my pants where I rolled out of the way as the bike was going down - it's a touring bike and NOT light - I didn't want it to land on me, or worse, end up under the subaru).

As we went down the fucking fuck wit asshole kid who was driving the subaru finally stopped. He got out of the car and was like "um, what happened?" I was waiting for FH to lose his mind (he does have an Italian temper, on steroids) but FH was focused on the motorcycle and getting it up so he could see the damage. The kid (guess he was in his early 20s) appeared stoned and he launched into an explanation: "I'm sorry I hit you dude, I'm lost, and in a huge hurry". As soon as he said that I turned into bitch central and yelled "Oh, you're in a hurry, so it's okay that you almost fucking ran us over?" He said something else trying to defend himself and I started REALLY yelling at him, saying, among other things "you realize you could have killed us?!? and "we were yelling and screaming at you as you were backing up (his window was rolled all the way down so I don't know how he couldn't have heard us) and you didn't even stop until you hit us!". What made me so mad is that he didn't apologize (he didn't even seem to understand that he HIT us) and his general stoned as shit demeanor. Meanwhile, FH's thumb was bleeding all over the place because he hit a piece of glass as the bike went down and sliced a huge chunk out of his thumb.

FH and Stoned Fucking Asshole exchanged information and SFA gave FH $300 in cash (which is good, there are a lot of uninsured drivers in Colorado as I found out when I was rear ended by that cunt Kandy Schertz who never paid for the damage she did to my car and gave me fake insurance information). After everything was settled SFA gave FH a hug and shook his hand. He also offered to shake my hand but I gave him a hug too because his hands were shaking and I think I might have scared him with all my yelling. Though, I wanted him to absorb the gravity of the situation. If FH didn't have so many years riding who knows what could have happened. And I don't want SFA to kill someone else with his careless asshole-ness.

We went into wit's end to discover that the patrons had been watching the drama. Pat got FH a band aid (he refused it and instead put super glue on the gash in his thumb instead) and got me a drink. I couldn't stop shaking and I realized it was because I had been so primed to punch SFA that it was hard to get my adrenaline under control. In the end I'm glad I didn't punch him because 1. that's not an adult thing to do and 2. I might not have been able to stop punching him.

I will also admit that one of the reasons I was so pissed is because last saturday I spent 2 hours at the mall (I HATE shopping) trying to find a pair of pants that were not jeans that fit me (though the pants are an inch short they're tapered and they look okay, anyway, what designer makes small pants with a 33 inch inseam) and I happened to be wearing those pants when the accident happened. They were undamaged. As was FH and I (except for the thumb). The bike is another matter but FH thinks he can fix it, which turned out to be a fucking great deal for SFA.

Anyway, check your rearview and check your mirrors before backing up. And share the road with cyclists. It only takes a few seconds to kill someone, or damage the only pair of pants they own that fit them.