not edmunton

Ech. I got on my plane today to fly to Calgary and the pilot kept saying we were going to Edmonton. I figured he was just an idiot (and flying our plane - yipes). The stewardess finally stuck her head in the cockpit (I was in bulk head so heard the whole thing) and said "we're going to Calgary!" and he was like "but the cloud cover is low, they are directing us to Edmonton as a back up".

I was like fuck fuck fuck. I did not want to land in Edmonton and then have to drive to Calgary in a shit rental car in a snow storm.

Luckily the weather cleared and we were able to land in calgon. I was the first person off the plane and cruised through the first part of customs. Then I had to wait in line to get my new work visa. No problem. There was only like 6 people in front of me, none of whom spoke english or even seemed to understand the concept of approaching the counter to talk to an immigration officer.

Luckily (I guess) the woman who denied me a year long visa last time I came through calgon saw me in line and waved me over. She was like "you're back, I recognized your hat" and I said "I normally don't wash my hair for at least a week before I come here so I have to wear a hat". She smiled, demanded to see my diploma for my master's degree (I actually had it this time), updated the system so I never have to bring my degree again, decided that since my customer was bringing me back I must know what I'm doing, asked a few questions about my resume, and then gave me a year long work permit.

Good news.

Except. The fucking printer wasn't working. So I have to go back to the airport this weekend and get my permit because she couldn't print it for me. She swore I could wait until I flew out to pick it up but my current permit expires 15 December and I'm here until 17 December. I don't want to get in trouble. I'll probably go to the airport this weekend.

I have to admit she was really nice this time. And I waited in line longer to get my rental car (hey, I'm president's circle, I have to wait in line??????) than to get my work permit.

My room is nice, but not as nice as the last time I stayed at this hotel. I got a king sized bed but my chair doesn't have an ottoman. They are trying to find one for me. Given some of the hotels I've stayed in I don't even know why I'm complaining.

update on my dad

We were talking on Sunday morning and my dad said that his doctor found a swollen lymph node in his groin. It could be bad as my dad has had very aggressive cancer. I'm hoping it's okay because lymph node cancer usually doesn't hurt (he was having pain which is how they found the mass in his lymph node) and his blood work came back okay.

He has a biopsy and MRI on Friday. Stay tuned...

pain in the neck, part 2

And, my neck is better, a lot better, but still not great. My doctor said it's actually a lymph node causing the problem. It's probably related to allergies (too much time spent the past few weeks on the right coast) or quitting smoking, or both.

I was going to get a massage but have been super busy with work and in the one hour I had to potentially get a massage I decided to get my eyelashes dyed instead.

I hate make up. I can deal with a little pain as long as my eyes look good. When I get to Canada on Sunday I'll do a massage. Luckily my hotel has a spa.

big news

I quit smoking two weeks ago. I know, don't have heart failure.

I did it by buying a fake cigarette. I took a quiz on some website (it was like "you're going to die from lung cancer.org" or some name like that) that figured out what kind of smoker I am. It turns out I hate cigarettes (explaining why I always get pissed when someone smokes near me) but I like to smoke. Fake cigarettes make smoke and do all the things a normal cigarette does, but it doesn't cause you to get cancer. Stupidly, the FDA won't approve them as a smoking cessation tool because they think fake cigarettes will encourage kids to smoke.

?????

Anyway, I did a lot of research and bought fake cigarettes from V2. They are so cool. I love love love them. I have 4 different kinds and one that I can smoke in my car and one I can smoke from my laptop (it connects up through the USB port).

One downside is my voice is kind of screwed up right now and I lose my voice usually by mid-day. My doctor says it's a result of quitting smoking and that it should stop happening...soon. Yeah right. Like when my other doctor said my organs would take the place of my uterus and my abdominal cavity would stop filling with air every time I fly, causing me to fart for like 45 minutes straight after I get off of a plane. That was, what, 10 months ago. Still farting.

If you know anyone who needs to quit smoking check out V2. And do a search on reviews, there's all kinds of discount codes to save you money. Right now my "smoking" habit is costing about 25% of what my normal habit cost.

All savings are going toward paying for a new kitchen which I will hopefully start this summer. Which should be a disaster if it's like everything else I do...

pain in the neck

I woke up this morning at 4:30 after having a nightmare that someone had tried to saw my head off. Surprisingly, when I came fully to consciousness, I was still having severe pain in my neck.

I've never had a back or neck problem before. Sometimes they feel tweaky, but nothing worth writing a blog about. This morning was different. I couldn't find a single position to put my head in that didn't hurt. I kept getting spasms that were so painful I felt like throwing up.

I have no idea what happened. When I went to bed last night I felt fine. More than fine. I even did an extra set of pushups and rollups. Neither of those exercises has ever hurt my neck, even when I over do them.

Panicking because I had to teach today I hopped in the shower and sprayed hot water on my neck for over 30 minutes. No change. I could barely brush my teeth and had to keep my head bent to the right side (the pain is on the left). Also, I could not lift my head up straight so had to stare at the carpet while getting dressed; good thing I don't feel the need to look at my outfit before I go to the office.

I got to the customer site, walking with my heavy backpack on just my right shoulder and almost passing out on the sidewalk from the pain. My point of contact picked me up in the lobby and she was like "girl, what is WRONG with you?" The left side of my neck was spasming so badly that my students started joking that an alien was trying to pop out (it's that noticeable - the muscle along the left side of my neck is totally sticking out and swollen and when it spasms it sticks out even further). One concerned student even offered to bring me muscle relaxers tomorrow (yes, I've been counseled to not take other people's meds so I won't be taking them - but, for the record, I'm tempted).

After forcing myself to do head rolls during the lunch break (or, half rolls) I was able to at least lift my head to normal position. The spasms stopped. I'm still getting a shooting pain from my left shoulder blade to the top of my head.

I fucking better be okay tomorrow. It's sheer hell trying to teach and be on my feet all day when my neck hurts and I can't turn my head at all. Fuck knows what the students at my periphery are doing knowing I can't see them.

my brother and I solve some problems of the universe

I had a great evening with my brother Bob watching two shows, Super Massive Black Holes and Wormholes. My mom wanted to watch HGTV but we wouldn't let her.

During the show we came up with a theory based on those funnel shaped fountains that you drop a penny into and the penny rolls down the funnel gaining momentum until it drops into the hole (kind of like an object approaching an event horizon). My brother postulated that a person would not get spaghettified at the even horizon because we are too small of a mass. However, the Plumber Physicist Leonard Susskin said on the show that a person and space ship would be too small of a mass to ever quite reach the event horizon but they would eventually be spaghettified just the same. He uses and example of Alice as an astronaut in a space suit and Bob in the spacecraft. He famously got into a huge fight with Hawking and won. 

He's one of the fathers of string theory so possibly everything he says is bullshit. Go astrophysicists!

I thought we should launch some kind of space craft to launch things into a black hole and see what happened to them. My brother watched the Minotaur 1 launch and said it looked like "a shooting star but in reverse". I was emailing with him when the launch happened but wasn't there to drink beer and actually witness it.

Then I started thinking about how a black hole is either dormant (i.e. not sucking in everything around it) or omnivorous (eating the universe). I postulated that when the black hole is dormant it is passing material into the galaxy (could explain how certain elements showed up in the milky way that could not have resulted from the big bang) and that when it's consuming that's how we could do space travel via worm holes. 

My brother Bob, because he's a dick, was like "yeah, but the closest black hole is really far away".

If we are right...you read it here first...

if it were easy it wouldn't be called "gardening"

Today I'm digging holes with my dad. We planted bleeding hearts, amaryllis, and some other stuff that the deer supposedly won't eat. My dad made me dig a big hole so he could move the dirt across the yard. After I dug the hole (had to use a pick ax to break up the soil) and moved the dirt with the wheel barrow (it wasn't easy) he filled the hole I had dug with dirt from a bag. I was like "why didn't I just use this dirt instead of transplanting that dirt?"

He was like "hm".

my dad's office building exploded

Today my dad left work early to pick me up at the airport. Which is lucky since his office building exploded. No one was hurt. But now he's freaking out because we're supposed to go for a meeting tomorrow (we'll have to find somewhere else to meet) and he left his laptop in his building. They just sent him an email that he can't get into his building.

http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20111121/NEWS01/311210043/Explosion-causes-fire-at-GE?odyssey=tab|mostpopular|text|FRONTPAGE

crooks and contracts

I sent my book contract to my uncle Joe last night since he is a lawyer and a CPA. He sent me his review this morning.

The contract is shit and the agent has pending litigation against him for defrauding other writers. Fucker. I wish he was here so I could kick him in the nuts.

Oh well. I have a few days next week to send out more queries.

I <3 rejection.

some news on my book

I submitted my manuscript to an agent back in August. I never heard from him so I finally emailed him again. He had never received my manuscript.

He told me he would reply back regarding my manuscript in two weeks. I heard back from him on Monday, one week. He is interested in publishing my book. So, now I have to get a lawyer to review the contract, etc. Stay tuned...

I haven't gotten to post my good news because I've been insanely busy with work and travel. San Fran on Monday, back to Calgary today. On the road until Christmas.

Yee haw.

erased

[at the suggestion of a friend I sent this story to I'm publishing it here - I'm in San Fran - apologies to my dad for breaking into his desk]

Smelling the ocean air here with my hotel room window open... I don't know why, but the smell of salt in the air always reminds me of when I was 4 and my dad had rented this little cabin on a beach in Massachusetts during the winter because it was cheap. The chairs were yellow vinyl and completely uncomfortable. We had to wear our winter coats all the time because there wasn't good heating, or maybe my parents didn't use it to save money. The door was painted red with a white x that covered the whole door and a white border. The cabin always smelled like the ocean.

 

One weekend it was raining really hard and all of our toys had gotten packed (we must have been moving somewhere), we had nothing to play with, and my parents couldn't send us outside, so my dad went down to the local market and brought back some erasers for us. The erasers were shaped like animals (flat, not a whole 3d body, with ink faces and body details like feathers or fur drawn on them) and they had eyes glued on them with the pupils that move (I used to call them googly eyes). There was a blue dog and a pink rabbit that my sister picked, she got to pick first because she was older, then my brother Bob picked a yellow lion (he was youngest so got to pick next) and a gray elephant. I ended up with a green owl and a red cat which was fine with me. I was playing with the owl and the cat and they were having a conversation about spaghetti. I guess I was irritating the shit out of my dad because he said "owls and cats would never talk to each other because the cat would want to eat the owl so stop pretending they're friends".

 

I thought about that for a while and then decided the cat should eat the owl. But since the cat was just an eraser and couldn't eat the owl I bit the owl's head off but then decided to keep the rest of him intact so the cat would still have someone to play with. At dinner that night I put my erasers on the table and when my dad saw that I had bitten the head off of the owl he started yelling at me about how I would never get a toy again because I ruined my owl. I tried to explain that I was just doing what he had said to do which was the wrong thing to say because it just pissed him off even more. He took the erasers away from me.

 

For years after that I would go through his desk when he wasn't home (it had a lock but I figured out how to open it with a screw driver - my brother Bob used to lock himself in the bathroom and not be able to open the door so I got pretty adept with opening locks) looking for my erasers. Never found them.

guess who's getting a new computer

The answer would be...me!!!!!!!!!!

I get 3 to choose from, and after a long discussion with the geeks at my client site, I know which one I want (even though it won't fit under a plane seat - they were like "dude, major RAM upgrade!" - I was like, "um, ok").

And demonstrating my company's complete illiteracy of technology, my manager, in response to his manger's manager's email asking why he didn't respond back to my email asking for help last week with my laptop, sent an email, repeat, SENT AN EMAIL, saying his email has been down and he hadn't got my email.

He can send, but not receive, email? What, he switched to a guy exchange server? Can send but not receive?

On a total random side note, check out this book the canterbury trail. I've only read excerpts, but it's really good. I've heard from a friend that the bone cage is great too.

looking for nemo? I found him...at my customer site

Today my customer received a shipment of toy helicopters from china. They are moving offices but since they are a tactical team they will move last. The building we are in is deserted, meaning, of course, a perfect place to fly remote control helicopters. The group of guys I'm training took great pleasure in buzzing the choppers over my head as I was trying to work.

Yes, everyone I work with is over 30.

To avoid the chaos and try to keep training on track I moved everyone to the board room (or, they call it the "bored room" when I'm in there with them).

A knock at the door. I opened it expecting to be kicked out by the chief guy because it's his room. Instead a rather large helium filled Nemo floated over my head and into the air space above the conference room table.
Needless to say order broke down. I retreated to an office to write sql statements. For the most part I could successfully ignore the crashes when a helicopter hit the window. I was not allowed to try to fly one of the helicopters or the remote controlled fish because I'm a woman and "women can't drive".

The nemo balloon is called an air swimmer. It's on youtube, funny video link here. I'm seriously considering buying the shark.

manuscript update

On Friday night I finally got off my ass and sent an email to the agent that asked to read my manuscript at the end of July. I haven't heard from him and it's been a few months...

I should have contacted him a long time ago. I received an almost immediate response from him saying he never received my manuscript. I emailed it to him again this morning. He promised to get back to me within 10 working days and said he was excited to read it.

Fingers crossed...

moral of the story - don't get speeding tickets

I guess my customer was tired of listening to me complain about my computer not working. Or maybe they just like rescuing damsels in distress. Or maybe the head of IT is pissed that his new computer was allocated to me until mine is fixed...

At any rate, at noon today I was getting more and more pissed that the help desk hadn't called me back so the gov agency I'm working for decided to take action to help me. The help desk had told me my company didn't have an office in Calgary but one of the gov guys said "I know I've seen the logo on a building near here". They used this app that scans the city from the top and they looked through the blocks until they found the building with my company's logo on it. I had a location to go to. Progress.

Then they went through one of their databases (don't ask) until they found the name of a guy who works at that building (think he got some speeding tickets and that's why he was in there). One of the gov guys I work with called him and said "we have a fellow employee here that needs help with her laptop and you're going to help her". I talked to the guy on the phone, explained my problem, and he agreed to help me. But, he said he had to leave the building at 4 pm and he wasn't sure my badge would work to get in. My customer got back on the phone and said "she's in a meeting with us until 4 so you'll just have to wait until she gets there".

This poor guy ended up waiting for me for an hour because I got my streets and avenues confused. I was supposed to be at the east end of town (the office was a 15 minute walk from my customer site) but I accidentally walked to the opposite end of town and then had to double back (luckily a kindly gentleman gave me directions). Four miles after initally setting out I arrived at my company's building.

An IT guy came down 5 minutes after I got there. I said "you're the only person in Canada who works after 5 pm" and he laughed. We then attempted multiple experiments to bring my computer to steady state, one of which caused my laptop to fall off a desk and the plastic corner to break off of it (don't ask - really, don't ask - it had to do with cycling the power to clear the something or other).

On top of the other issues with software, my hard drive is emitting a loud whistle (that was happening before it fell off the desk so don't blame me for that). The IT guy said "um, that's bad". He's going to rebuild my laptop tomorrow and I should have it back in the afternoon. I have to think of something nice to do for that kid. Poor thing was with me in the office until 730.

The best part of the story is the Canadian computer image is different than the US version and uses different drivers. So he's going to have to manually tweak it because the OS won't run on my computer as is. Also, I'm wondering if my spell check is going to be some fucked up Canadian US english/UK english thing. Then I'll be writing cheques instead of checks.

The good news is I got a ton of data into my customer's database last night and knocked their little socks off at the demo I did this afternoon (my meeting until 4 pm). It's not easy to be a rock star, but someone has to do it.

And now I'm going to open a bottle of garnacha de fuego and toast the kid fixing my computer even though he's not here (he better still be in the office fixing my laptop).

Why is wine so expensive here? Oh yeah, canadians only drink beer...

Calgary...

Sent this to Malcolm D. I thought it was funny, "no minors after 9 pm".

Canadians are so law abiding. Or not. This is a gypsy camp I happened upon while wandering down the bike trail that runs along the Bow River. They were very nice, especially when I produced a pack of cowboy killers.

Bow River. Nice after work walk even though it's cold.

the latest incompetence astounds even me

I work for an IT company. We supposedly help customers. That being said, my company is the most grossly incompetent place I have ever worked.

On Friday a new software update was pushed to my laptop by my company when I turned it off. I didn't turn my computer on again Sunday when I arrived in Calgary. My VPN software and my internet connection software wasn't working.

I arrived at the customer site monday morning to find that none of my software was working. Everytime I clicked on something I got a "application configuration issues prevent the application from loading - reinstalling may fix the problem". Well, re-installing didn't.

I called the help desk. They said it was an issue with my VPN software and tried to transfer me to another company. Then they said I'd have to ship my laptop back to the US to get it fixed because the canada IT help desk is different than the one in the US. Then they sent me over to hardware saying it was a hardware issue.

Since 5 pm Sunday night I've been trying to get my laptop fixed. I have spent over 10 hours on the phone with the help desk. I just found out this morning that my software issue was entered at a normal priority (meaning they have a week to get back to me) even though I explained that I was at a customer site and couldn't do any work. Today my problem was escalated to a 1 - 2 business day response, but was also told that unless I can get to an office for my company nothing could be done (I have to get on the company network). They can't fed ex me software or do anything useful. Hardware offered to send me a blank hard drive, like that would do ANY fucking good. I don't go back to the US until late next friday, and will not be able to get into one of my company's buildings because it's the weekend. I'm traveling until Christmas.

With a FUCKED UP LAPTOP. Which does not work AT ALL. Because my company can't figure out how to fix the issue. An issue THEY CAUSED by pushing out an update that didn't work.

Luckily I have a great customer here in Calgary and their IT people gave me a laptop to use. So I'll be spending the next two evenings making up for lost time.

I need a new job.

I am so fucked

Everything, and every application, is failing on my laptop. I've just back doored myself onto the internet so I have some connectivity. NOTHING is working. I have NO idea what I'm going to do at the customer site tomorrow. I have a shit ton of data I need to import for a class tomorrow and I can't run or install my software, my VMWare won't play any images (thought I could 86 my real hard drive and just play on the virtual one), I can't connect to my company's network so they can help me...

They are telling me to go an office but it appears Calgary is a "remote location", with the additional problem that I'm an American employee working in Canada. Fucking fuck. I have to get this project done in a certain time frame because I'm booked for the next 4 weeks. My customer is going to eviscerate me. There's no hope.

I should fall on my sword now.

table

And, since a few people have been asking, I am proud to announce that my dad and I bought the table.

Not sure when it will be delivered but I'll post a better picture once it's in situ.

Adult furniture. I can't believe I will soon be the owner of a real dining room table.

not to say everyone at Harvard is a sexist pig

Every year when my dad comes to Denver for vacation we watch a DVD course from the Great Courses company (my favorite course is either My Favorite Universe or Chaos). We were watching a course called the art of critical decision making done by a professor from Harvard (he's at Bryant University now).

I wasn't super crazy about the professor, and I thought the points he made about decision making were pretty banal. Every course is recorded in what appears to be the same room and this guy had a boring set up (i.e. no lab equipment, no experiments, no 3-d models of the butterfly effect). Then I noticed, on the wall behind his lectern, the picture to the left. I kept looking at it and noticed that the two men were wearing suit coats that covered their asses, but the woman's ass was not only visible, they even put a little line down it as if to emphasize it - "look, I have a cute ass".

I was like "dad, this is SO sexist! how come they cover up the guy's asses and show the woman's ass?". My dad was like "not only are they showing her ass, but look how the guys are both giving her directions by pointing which way to go".

We sat through two lectures and then decided to watch the movie "The American". The next day, while hiking up Bierdstat, we were trying to figure out why George Clooney's boss was trying to kill him.

Maybe we should have had less wine and more sleep before watching the movie.

Today is the first day since my vacation that I haven't been too tired to write on my blog. My dad makes me feel like a slug (even though most of my friends are like "you did all that shit in one day?"). When he comes on vacation I expect to get less than 6 hours of sleep and to be on the move either hiking, driving, or doing home improvement projects for the rest of the day.

That's why I have to rest before having vacation with my dad. Restful vacation? Who wants to do that?