sometimes a gift can change your life

My brother got me a grid-it, which is super cool. I now have my backpack completely organized. It's a good idea. I don't have to fumble around any more to find all the little shit I can never find in my backpack pockets.

He also gave me this gift (the roll right top of the picture). It's seriously my favorite thing ever. It's a roll of velcro straps. I guess I have a reputation of being an organized neat freak. But if that were really true wouldn't I have known about these straps before? Of course I would have. So I'm not some neurotic person who has to have everything neat and tidy and in an exact location from which it can't be moved. Further, I did NOT just spend the past hour velcro strapping everything in my backpack, my stereo and computer wires, one of my cacti (he was developing a distinct lean), and other stuff. I am not now going through withdrawls because I've run out of things to velcro wrap.  I am NOT now contemplating braving the cold outside to see if there's anything in my car that needs a velcro wrap.

Okay, maybe I do have a problem. But at least I'm not smoking crack or engaging in some other bad habit. If anyone has anything that needs a velcro wrap let me know.

update on my dad

So, here it is 220 am MST (420 am EST) and I'm texting with my dad. Why he's up I don't know (he's on EST).

But he says the pain in his leg has been reduced a lot (80% - we engineers like to quantify things). He has his first chemo today (chemo today on top of radiation on Tuesday - extreme meds - tell me there's a climb harder than that - you're full of shit). I think he will do great.

I'm glad I have tough bad ass parents. It sets the bar.

My dad is going to kick lymphoma back to shit city. Never once since he's been diagnosed with cancer has he been like "uh oh, fuck me". I know he can do it. I just read an article in the New Yorker about placebos. Weirdly (or not) the body produces its own medicine through endorphins. This medicine can be more powerful than actual drugs. I believe this. I ran on a broken leg for 8 years without a significant amount of acknowledged pain. My dad is doing the same.

So fuck pain, cancer, and all that other shit.

We don't go down easy.

United we fly, divided I feel less stressed

I flew out this evening in the hopes of dodging a storm about to hit Rhode Island and the impending snow disaster in Denver.

My flight from TF Green to Dulles was turbulent the whole way. Not just a little turbulent. Like the plane is shaking apart at its seams and we're losing altitude in a troubling way turbulent. Screaming baby for 2 hours. Mom laughing and trying to play games with the screaming imp. Apparently she didn't bring any milk for the strong lunged 3 year old and there was no service on the plane because of the turbulence (seat belt sign was never turned off).

Then I had to make a mad run for my connection at Dulles because the fuck wits at United decided, for reasons unknown, that all the luggage had to clear the wing before we were allowed out of the plane. That took 20 minutes because they only have, apparently, 3 slap dicks unloading planes. Why this happened I can't say. Stewardess told me it was a security caution to "keep passengers from grabbing their luggage on the tarmac" (we landed at a gate where we had stairs instead of that scary suction cup to the plane thing).

The crack head stewardess on my connecting flight to Denver kept saying "welcome to flight (whatever) with service to Dulles". Dude, we are AT Dulles. I bring this up only because I and everyone who flies is flying in extreme discomfort so a stewardess who's worked for an airline for 15 years can make $100k a year plus benefits and we wonder why the airlines are losing money with planes packed. DO NOT EVEN GO THERE WITH ME. I had a friend in Colorado who was a stewardess making that much money (she quit her job because it was "too hard"). And Virginia. And Maryland.

I should be a stewardess.

The pilot warned us the landing in Denver was going to be bad before we even took off. Not a good sign. The luck of the day was that the flight left more or less on time and, when it came time for drinks service and I asked for a glass of wine even though it costs $7 and was a merlot (I'd rather lick adhesive off of an envelope than drink merlot - but believe me, after the last two days I've had, I needed a drink) the Japanese steward, who may have noticed I was reading a Murakami (Wind-Up Bird Chronicles - read it - paperback is 607 pages and I read it in a week on top of my magazines - was getting up at 530 in the morning so I would have an hour to read it before work), took my credit card after giving me a plastic bottle of wine, and said "your name is Franki?" I started to pull out my boarding pass since I had no hope of getting to my backpack which was shoved under the seat in front of me and the Polo cologne stinking fuck nut in front of me had his seat reclined. But the guy said "since your name is Franki this is free". Mazel tov.

After the plane landed (after three approaches where the pilot backed off) I had to make a mad dash 3 rows back to get my other bag. I did that successfully but was unable to return to my row because of the fuckwit family in front of me. The daughter (in her teens) was asking the dad to pull her bag out of the overhead (along with the bag of her 7 year old sister). The dad said "no, you get it out". I was like "dude, the trains run A LOT less frequently in DIA after midnight, so the sooner we get our bags and deplane the more likely we will not have to wait for a long time for a train". He was like "but, they're never happy, no matter what I do". Needless to say I pulled their bags down for them. Moron dad. I feel bad for those kids.

I got to my car, finally, after waiting FOREVER for the train back to the main terminal. It was 12:40am. Poor Jakey was covered in snow. The roads were a shit show. I saw a ton of accidents. I was driving like "it's actually 3 am for me because I'm on east coast time - no one has plowed - tourists are driving like idiots and spinning their cars - I might die". Even sure pawed Jake had some issues on the road. Finally made it home at 330 am (EST, which I'm on, or 130 am MST).

That's when I took out my laptop and turned it on because I have an early morning conference call and want to do the least amount of work possible before the call. BTW, I am supposed to be on vacation tomorrow.

And I realized I left my laptop power supply at my customer site.

Fuck me. Or, not. I have a back up. No single point of failure. And I think the customer will bring me back soon so I'll just grab it then. The customer I was working for was so great. The group was a great way to end my sordid year because they actually like my company. Even the VP came to all of my training sessions and when he was able to do a heat map he was so excited he was like "you have to come back!"

I have to take the little victories.

I should go to sleep. But I'm kind of wired after the drive I just did to get home from the airport. Hm. Only 6 hours before my conference call. Maybe I'll just stay up.

was that bad luck or good?

Because my company is el sucko they keep booking me on these crazy two segment flights even when a direct flight is only a little more expensive. Don't give me that bullshit about "saving $50 for every employee adds up to blah blah blah". The accountants can come live my fucking life with me for a few weeks and see how great their cost saving plans are. So the managers don't get billion dollar bonuses. Boo hoo. I cry for them.

Anyway, I woke up at 3:45 because my phone was buzzing. I normally go back to sleep but this time I thought I should check it. Which is a good thing because the buzz was an email coming in from United saying my flight had been canceled. No other explanation. No "we rebooked you". No useful information.

I panicked because I had to be out here in Rhode Island today for a very important, and short, engagement. I got up and called united. What's up with that fucking circus music they play while you're on hold? It's not pleasant at 4 in the morning.

I finally got a representative who tried to book me on a new flight getting into Rhode Island at 10:45 PM. I was like "NO WAY dude". I have to be at the customer site at 8 am every morning. I'm losing 2 hours as it is. This engagement is in the middle of nowhere. Also, it was forcing me to have a 4 hour layover in Chicago. Sucktacular.

After me bitching and pointing out that I have booked 250,000 miles with united (do the math, considering I didn't fly for the time I was over in the middle east, that's A LOT of trips) in the past 4 years the guy got me on a direct flight to Logan from Denver at 8 am. I had to drive an hour to get to my hotel, and my rental car is going to be obscenely expensive since my return is different from my pickup (to the tune of $100 a day) but ask me if I give a fuck.

There were no crying babies on the flight but the guy next to me (I was in the middle seat) farted the whole 4 hour flight. Not just like occasional farts. It was like lots and lots of farts. I wanted to vomit and had to get up twice and stand in the aisle to get away from the smell. Also, I smoked my fake cigarette even though it's not allowed on planes (stupid, a stewardess said "they cause interference with the communications in the cockpit" and I was like "I'm glad you are a stewardess and not a science teacher").

Then I got my car and got into the tunnels of downtown boston and got lost because my GPS was being chooky (kind of cool actually, since last time I was there the big dig was still going on). I passed faneuil hall and remembered how to get to the highway (weirdly, I haven't been to boston since 1996 but I remember certain aspects of the city). Arrived at my hotel earlier than my original flight would have had me getting here so my bad luck actually ended up being good. But my room, unlike the calgarian hotel I stayed in last week, does not seem to have much in the way of heat. I turned the thermostat up to 75 and went to work out. It's now at 65 even though I was blasting the heat for the hour I was in the gym.

I will survive. I shouldn't complain, actually. Given what my dad is going through now these matters are incredibly trivial.

some more news about my dad

He has lymph node cancer. But, he doesn't seem too concerned about it. He was more worried that I was going to get him a christmas present that's boring (an indoor bike trainer - he was like that would suck) or clothes (he said, in a nice way, to stop buying him outdoor clothes).

Hm. No idea what to get him. I'm sure I'll think of something.

Calgary is a zoo

I went to the airport and got my work permit today. Crazily, I was in the waiting room for 45 minutes. I started to get worried. Then the agent that was helping me came out and said they had just arrested a guy for manslaughter who was coming in to Calgary and that's why it took so long for him to retrieve my work permit. As he was stapling my work permit into my passport two agents led the manslaughter guy out in handcuffs.

That Calgary airport is a little insane.



Then I went to the zoo. I decided to walk not realizing the entrance off the Bow Riverwalk was closed for the winter. I went the wrong way trying to find the main gate. I ended up walking around the zoo and then walking down a busy "highway" (I don't know, in Canada it might be a highway, it was like 285 in Denver).



I saw some cool animals:

Grizzly bear making his way back into his man made cave. It doesn't look scary in this pic but it was a big bear.

Zebra: note to self, get invited to better christmas parties - these birds stink

"I'm NOT a republican"

(spider monkeys) - "It's FUCKING cold."

releasing your (hee) inner energy

Today I decided to get a massage since my neck still hurts a little. And the spa is on the same floor as the gym so it was convenient to go after my workout.

The woman who did my massage was a stocky but very short indian. She was dressed like a nurse in pink scrubs. I normally giggle my way through a massage (don't know why, as soon as that new age music comes on I feel like laughing). Then, to make matters worse, as I was laying on my back and she was rubbing my shoulders she farted. It was one of those "I thought I was going to get away with it" short high pitched farts. To make matters worse she whispered "oops!" under her breath, no doubt assuming I was asleep. It took every ounce of will power to not descend into hysterical laughter.

I tipped her well.

And, earlier this week, I was listening to this obnoxious guy who works for my company drone on and on in a very loud voice about cloud computing. At one point to show off he said "I'm sitting in my own private cloud right now!"

I had to leave the office for a few minutes until I could get myself under control. It still makes me laugh.

oh, and then the ceiling collapsed

I walked into the office today to discover that the water heater above the area where I work had burst a pipe. Running water all day while I was trying to work. Seriously. Who has an office with a water feature? More like water torture...

waiter...or weirdo?

The sales guys and I went out to dinner at this steak place called Caesar's that is supposedly some old money oil business steak place. I had salmon. They made fun of me.

Then the waiter, an older gent, you know, one of those guys who was probably a roadie for Bob Seger doing a lot of drugs and then ends up as a waiter in a cheap tux looking suit serving shit head consultants like me, took an interest in me. Why I don't know, except maybe I was probably the youngest woman in the joint or at least the only one who didn't look like my face was made of leather.

First he asked where I was from. I guess I haven't perfected my canadian accent (though my spelling is getting better - or they probably spell it "bettre"). There was an awkward moment when he asked me to hold the split in my baked potato open so he could put sour cream in it. No one, in any restaurant, has ever asked me to do that, I swear he was trying to put sour cream on my fingers.

Then, after I declined to have my leftovers wrapped, he asked which hotel I was staying in. I was totally caught off guard (it probably seems harmless when you read it here - it was more the way he said it, like he was going to come by when his shift was off and murder me). I fumbled for something to say trying to not look at the sales guy sitting in front of me because he had this totally shocked look on his face. I lied and said I was staying at some hotel I walk by and he said "yes, I know that place well". An embarrassing silence descended the table as the waiter leaned in towards me as if assessing which limb he would cut off first. Then he walked away.

The sales guys started making fun of me AGAIN. One was like "why would he ask where you're staying?" and the other guy was like "that just seemed so inappropriate". The waiter came by again and spent 15 minutes telling me about a hurricane that hit Calgary (actually, it wasn't a hurricane). The whole situation was weird and getting weirder by the second. He was giving me creepy attention.

We left without having dessert. The sales guys wanted to go to a micro brewery but I was too tired. And who knows what weirdos would be hanging out there.

moving down, moving up

I checked into my hotel on Sunday night and thought my room was a little warm but figured it was because the last occupant (likely middle eastern - there's a lot of them at the hotel - I'm not being racist) had the heat fully cranked. It was 86 degrees F when I got in there. After opening two windows and turning the thermostat to 50 I got the temp down to 79. I didn't get much sleep.

The next morning I figured out there was a problem because the temp hadn't changed at all. I called the front desk and they promised to fix it. I got home from the customer site super late (1 am) and realized my room was fucking hot, still. I was too tired to do anything and opened the windows again. I had the worst night's sleep ever.

So Tuesday morning I called the front desk again. They promised to fix the heat, again. Fucking liars. I got home at 7 Tuesday night and my room was scorching hot.

I called the front desk and they sent up a maintenance guy. He was like "this is not going to get fixed anytime soon". I called the front desk again and asked for a new room. The guy I talked to said the hotel was sold out. He offered to turn down the boiler and recommended I open the windows really wide. I was like look fucker, I need a NEW ROOM. He offered me a smoking room after I threatened to leave the hotel. They said they'd send up a bell hop with my new keys who would also help me move.

Then the front desk called back and said a guy was checking in who wanted to switch his room for smoking. Since I hate smoking rooms I was like "sure". Seconds later the bell hop showed up and didn't believe me when I told him he had to go back to the lobby to get different keys for me. He was french, and therefore dramatic and not entirely smart. He was arguing with me like I would make up this shit. Finally he said "I'm going down to check this out. I may or may not see you again."

The end of the story is that I moved from the 27th floor to the 10th floor. I'm used to staying on the top floors so it was a little weird having to go to the 10th floor. But I ended up with a suite that has a kitchen, dining room, living room, bathroom (obviously) and 2 bedrooms. Oh, and a private balcony.

Just got home after work and dinner with two sales guys. My room is freezing. Just cranked up the heat.

Hee.

not edmunton

Ech. I got on my plane today to fly to Calgary and the pilot kept saying we were going to Edmonton. I figured he was just an idiot (and flying our plane - yipes). The stewardess finally stuck her head in the cockpit (I was in bulk head so heard the whole thing) and said "we're going to Calgary!" and he was like "but the cloud cover is low, they are directing us to Edmonton as a back up".

I was like fuck fuck fuck. I did not want to land in Edmonton and then have to drive to Calgary in a shit rental car in a snow storm.

Luckily the weather cleared and we were able to land in calgon. I was the first person off the plane and cruised through the first part of customs. Then I had to wait in line to get my new work visa. No problem. There was only like 6 people in front of me, none of whom spoke english or even seemed to understand the concept of approaching the counter to talk to an immigration officer.

Luckily (I guess) the woman who denied me a year long visa last time I came through calgon saw me in line and waved me over. She was like "you're back, I recognized your hat" and I said "I normally don't wash my hair for at least a week before I come here so I have to wear a hat". She smiled, demanded to see my diploma for my master's degree (I actually had it this time), updated the system so I never have to bring my degree again, decided that since my customer was bringing me back I must know what I'm doing, asked a few questions about my resume, and then gave me a year long work permit.

Good news.

Except. The fucking printer wasn't working. So I have to go back to the airport this weekend and get my permit because she couldn't print it for me. She swore I could wait until I flew out to pick it up but my current permit expires 15 December and I'm here until 17 December. I don't want to get in trouble. I'll probably go to the airport this weekend.

I have to admit she was really nice this time. And I waited in line longer to get my rental car (hey, I'm president's circle, I have to wait in line??????) than to get my work permit.

My room is nice, but not as nice as the last time I stayed at this hotel. I got a king sized bed but my chair doesn't have an ottoman. They are trying to find one for me. Given some of the hotels I've stayed in I don't even know why I'm complaining.

update on my dad

We were talking on Sunday morning and my dad said that his doctor found a swollen lymph node in his groin. It could be bad as my dad has had very aggressive cancer. I'm hoping it's okay because lymph node cancer usually doesn't hurt (he was having pain which is how they found the mass in his lymph node) and his blood work came back okay.

He has a biopsy and MRI on Friday. Stay tuned...

pain in the neck, part 2

And, my neck is better, a lot better, but still not great. My doctor said it's actually a lymph node causing the problem. It's probably related to allergies (too much time spent the past few weeks on the right coast) or quitting smoking, or both.

I was going to get a massage but have been super busy with work and in the one hour I had to potentially get a massage I decided to get my eyelashes dyed instead.

I hate make up. I can deal with a little pain as long as my eyes look good. When I get to Canada on Sunday I'll do a massage. Luckily my hotel has a spa.

big news

I quit smoking two weeks ago. I know, don't have heart failure.

I did it by buying a fake cigarette. I took a quiz on some website (it was like "you're going to die from lung cancer.org" or some name like that) that figured out what kind of smoker I am. It turns out I hate cigarettes (explaining why I always get pissed when someone smokes near me) but I like to smoke. Fake cigarettes make smoke and do all the things a normal cigarette does, but it doesn't cause you to get cancer. Stupidly, the FDA won't approve them as a smoking cessation tool because they think fake cigarettes will encourage kids to smoke.

?????

Anyway, I did a lot of research and bought fake cigarettes from V2. They are so cool. I love love love them. I have 4 different kinds and one that I can smoke in my car and one I can smoke from my laptop (it connects up through the USB port).

One downside is my voice is kind of screwed up right now and I lose my voice usually by mid-day. My doctor says it's a result of quitting smoking and that it should stop happening...soon. Yeah right. Like when my other doctor said my organs would take the place of my uterus and my abdominal cavity would stop filling with air every time I fly, causing me to fart for like 45 minutes straight after I get off of a plane. That was, what, 10 months ago. Still farting.

If you know anyone who needs to quit smoking check out V2. And do a search on reviews, there's all kinds of discount codes to save you money. Right now my "smoking" habit is costing about 25% of what my normal habit cost.

All savings are going toward paying for a new kitchen which I will hopefully start this summer. Which should be a disaster if it's like everything else I do...

pain in the neck

I woke up this morning at 4:30 after having a nightmare that someone had tried to saw my head off. Surprisingly, when I came fully to consciousness, I was still having severe pain in my neck.

I've never had a back or neck problem before. Sometimes they feel tweaky, but nothing worth writing a blog about. This morning was different. I couldn't find a single position to put my head in that didn't hurt. I kept getting spasms that were so painful I felt like throwing up.

I have no idea what happened. When I went to bed last night I felt fine. More than fine. I even did an extra set of pushups and rollups. Neither of those exercises has ever hurt my neck, even when I over do them.

Panicking because I had to teach today I hopped in the shower and sprayed hot water on my neck for over 30 minutes. No change. I could barely brush my teeth and had to keep my head bent to the right side (the pain is on the left). Also, I could not lift my head up straight so had to stare at the carpet while getting dressed; good thing I don't feel the need to look at my outfit before I go to the office.

I got to the customer site, walking with my heavy backpack on just my right shoulder and almost passing out on the sidewalk from the pain. My point of contact picked me up in the lobby and she was like "girl, what is WRONG with you?" The left side of my neck was spasming so badly that my students started joking that an alien was trying to pop out (it's that noticeable - the muscle along the left side of my neck is totally sticking out and swollen and when it spasms it sticks out even further). One concerned student even offered to bring me muscle relaxers tomorrow (yes, I've been counseled to not take other people's meds so I won't be taking them - but, for the record, I'm tempted).

After forcing myself to do head rolls during the lunch break (or, half rolls) I was able to at least lift my head to normal position. The spasms stopped. I'm still getting a shooting pain from my left shoulder blade to the top of my head.

I fucking better be okay tomorrow. It's sheer hell trying to teach and be on my feet all day when my neck hurts and I can't turn my head at all. Fuck knows what the students at my periphery are doing knowing I can't see them.

my brother and I solve some problems of the universe

I had a great evening with my brother Bob watching two shows, Super Massive Black Holes and Wormholes. My mom wanted to watch HGTV but we wouldn't let her.

During the show we came up with a theory based on those funnel shaped fountains that you drop a penny into and the penny rolls down the funnel gaining momentum until it drops into the hole (kind of like an object approaching an event horizon). My brother postulated that a person would not get spaghettified at the even horizon because we are too small of a mass. However, the Plumber Physicist Leonard Susskin said on the show that a person and space ship would be too small of a mass to ever quite reach the event horizon but they would eventually be spaghettified just the same. He uses and example of Alice as an astronaut in a space suit and Bob in the spacecraft. He famously got into a huge fight with Hawking and won. 

He's one of the fathers of string theory so possibly everything he says is bullshit. Go astrophysicists!

I thought we should launch some kind of space craft to launch things into a black hole and see what happened to them. My brother watched the Minotaur 1 launch and said it looked like "a shooting star but in reverse". I was emailing with him when the launch happened but wasn't there to drink beer and actually witness it.

Then I started thinking about how a black hole is either dormant (i.e. not sucking in everything around it) or omnivorous (eating the universe). I postulated that when the black hole is dormant it is passing material into the galaxy (could explain how certain elements showed up in the milky way that could not have resulted from the big bang) and that when it's consuming that's how we could do space travel via worm holes. 

My brother Bob, because he's a dick, was like "yeah, but the closest black hole is really far away".

If we are right...you read it here first...

if it were easy it wouldn't be called "gardening"

Today I'm digging holes with my dad. We planted bleeding hearts, amaryllis, and some other stuff that the deer supposedly won't eat. My dad made me dig a big hole so he could move the dirt across the yard. After I dug the hole (had to use a pick ax to break up the soil) and moved the dirt with the wheel barrow (it wasn't easy) he filled the hole I had dug with dirt from a bag. I was like "why didn't I just use this dirt instead of transplanting that dirt?"

He was like "hm".

my dad's office building exploded

Today my dad left work early to pick me up at the airport. Which is lucky since his office building exploded. No one was hurt. But now he's freaking out because we're supposed to go for a meeting tomorrow (we'll have to find somewhere else to meet) and he left his laptop in his building. They just sent him an email that he can't get into his building.

http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20111121/NEWS01/311210043/Explosion-causes-fire-at-GE?odyssey=tab|mostpopular|text|FRONTPAGE

crooks and contracts

I sent my book contract to my uncle Joe last night since he is a lawyer and a CPA. He sent me his review this morning.

The contract is shit and the agent has pending litigation against him for defrauding other writers. Fucker. I wish he was here so I could kick him in the nuts.

Oh well. I have a few days next week to send out more queries.

I <3 rejection.

some news on my book

I submitted my manuscript to an agent back in August. I never heard from him so I finally emailed him again. He had never received my manuscript.

He told me he would reply back regarding my manuscript in two weeks. I heard back from him on Monday, one week. He is interested in publishing my book. So, now I have to get a lawyer to review the contract, etc. Stay tuned...

I haven't gotten to post my good news because I've been insanely busy with work and travel. San Fran on Monday, back to Calgary today. On the road until Christmas.

Yee haw.