This morning my sales guy was bragging about how he was upgraded to a Camaro. I was feeling bitter because of my shitty car. I said "I can always tell which car is mine because it's surrounded by nice cars and SUVs. I don't even check the board for my name anymore."
The sales guy said "Yeah, it's so funny. When I got into Oakland yesterday I noticed as I was picking up my car that they had one of those hampster boxes parked in the president's circle." I was like "hampster box?" and he said "you know, those boxy cars (he made a box with his hands), total piece of shit car, and in the commercial they have hampsters driving the car".
I said "when did you get in?" and he responded that he had arrived a half hour before I did.
I was like "dude, that was my car!" Then we all had to go out to the parking lot so everyone could make fun of my car.
It's nice that my misery is the source of amusement for the rest of my project team.
Monday, September 26, 2011
topless on the beach
At the end of a VERY long day today, which I spent untangling data, my customer said to me "How does this sound? Topless, on the beach, with a great bottle of wine." The sales guy sitting next to me said "Oh, that would be nice" and the other sales guy, at the head of the table, said "I would totally be up for that." My customer smiled at me and said "It's sounds unanimous. What do you think?"
I was like "Um, what?"
It turns out he said "tapas" not topless. Though, I think he DID say topless, and meant tapas. My hearing is a lot better than everyone else's at the table (or maybe they just block the sound of my voice and that's why I have to repeat myself).
I was like "Um, what?"
It turns out he said "tapas" not topless. Though, I think he DID say topless, and meant tapas. My hearing is a lot better than everyone else's at the table (or maybe they just block the sound of my voice and that's why I have to repeat myself).
Sunday, September 25, 2011
and how could I have forgotten, the woMan pat down
Maybe I shouldn't fly before 8 am. Besides the cranky bitch who took my wine bottle opener (I broke the knife off of it but apparently, after flying through DIA for 6 fucking years, someone thought it was a security threat) I was subjected to a pat down by a woMan. Meaning, I thought she was a man until she spoke to me.
I had just walked out of the x-ray whirrly gig and was arguing about my opener when the x-ray whirrly gig operator said "I need to examine your hair."
Um, what? I know in recent weeks my hair has taken on epic proportions (need a haircut). And I had just applied a Fekkai hair mask last night (best hair products ever) and just rinsed it out without washing my hair. And this morning I didn't bother drying it because it saves time to just roll down my window and dry it that way (sorry Cam). So I admit I looked a little crazy with all my cowlicks and curls that corkscrew out from the sides of my head. But still.
So I went to remove my sunglasses, which I had put on top of my head, and she yelled "Ma'am, DON'T MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVES!" Like, it's 7 in the morning. I don't get moving until at least 10. She ran her fingers through my hair, at one point getting her hand stuck (I have knots). Then she looked at the top of my head for at least 20 seconds (blue latex gloves on my face, so gross) before finally telling me I could go.
What the fuck? What the fuck did I do to deserve having my hair man handled? I think all TSA employees should be randomly checked by their co-workers. It was humiliating. I do not like to be touched, especially by a woMan.
I have a small rash on my face where she touched it. Maybe I'll sue.
I had just walked out of the x-ray whirrly gig and was arguing about my opener when the x-ray whirrly gig operator said "I need to examine your hair."
Um, what? I know in recent weeks my hair has taken on epic proportions (need a haircut). And I had just applied a Fekkai hair mask last night (best hair products ever) and just rinsed it out without washing my hair. And this morning I didn't bother drying it because it saves time to just roll down my window and dry it that way (sorry Cam). So I admit I looked a little crazy with all my cowlicks and curls that corkscrew out from the sides of my head. But still.
So I went to remove my sunglasses, which I had put on top of my head, and she yelled "Ma'am, DON'T MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVES!" Like, it's 7 in the morning. I don't get moving until at least 10. She ran her fingers through my hair, at one point getting her hand stuck (I have knots). Then she looked at the top of my head for at least 20 seconds (blue latex gloves on my face, so gross) before finally telling me I could go.
What the fuck? What the fuck did I do to deserve having my hair man handled? I think all TSA employees should be randomly checked by their co-workers. It was humiliating. I do not like to be touched, especially by a woMan.
I have a small rash on my face where she touched it. Maybe I'll sue.
the more things change, the more fucked up they get
Well, my luck doesn't seem to be changing...
On Saturday I finally started weeding through my emails from Friday. There was a reschedule notice for the class that got botched last week. I didn't bother to look at it until Saturday because I expect people to be able to do their jobs and not totally fuck things up. Which is stupid on my part, because they always fuck up.
My scheduler and the training coordinator talked to reschedule the class. My scheduler HAS MY SCHEDULE. It's HER JOB. But, somehow, the class got rescheduled for Wednesday instead of Friday as we had discussed. I am in California on Wednesday, making it hard to also teach a class in Maryland.
I sent out an email as soon as I realized the date was wrong. Of course, no one has answered me yet. Am I the only idiot who works on weekends? Apparently.
I used to get an ulcer over shit like this. Now, I don't even care.
In other news, I guess Hertz is bitter about my keyed up bumper broken car fiasco. When I got to Oakland I arrived at my Hertz parking spot to find a Nissan Versa. The only door lock is on the driver's side door. You can't unlock the other locks with the front locks, you have to unlock them manually. It, seriously, has manual roll up roll down windows.
And I'm in the president's circle.
TSA at Denver confiscated my wine bottle opener that I have been flying with for 10 years.
And I was walking down a street in Hayward when a guy came up and said "there's a smoking ban in all public places, you can't even smoke in your car, it's a $500 fine". Great. Because the police have nothing better to do.
Maybe I should try to get a job in Europe for a while...
On Saturday I finally started weeding through my emails from Friday. There was a reschedule notice for the class that got botched last week. I didn't bother to look at it until Saturday because I expect people to be able to do their jobs and not totally fuck things up. Which is stupid on my part, because they always fuck up.
My scheduler and the training coordinator talked to reschedule the class. My scheduler HAS MY SCHEDULE. It's HER JOB. But, somehow, the class got rescheduled for Wednesday instead of Friday as we had discussed. I am in California on Wednesday, making it hard to also teach a class in Maryland.
I sent out an email as soon as I realized the date was wrong. Of course, no one has answered me yet. Am I the only idiot who works on weekends? Apparently.
I used to get an ulcer over shit like this. Now, I don't even care.
In other news, I guess Hertz is bitter about my keyed up bumper broken car fiasco. When I got to Oakland I arrived at my Hertz parking spot to find a Nissan Versa. The only door lock is on the driver's side door. You can't unlock the other locks with the front locks, you have to unlock them manually. It, seriously, has manual roll up roll down windows.
And I'm in the president's circle.
TSA at Denver confiscated my wine bottle opener that I have been flying with for 10 years.
And I was walking down a street in Hayward when a guy came up and said "there's a smoking ban in all public places, you can't even smoke in your car, it's a $500 fine". Great. Because the police have nothing better to do.
Maybe I should try to get a job in Europe for a while...
Saturday, September 24, 2011
farts, cars, and bars
Thursday night after class S and I wandered around the parking garage for 30 minutes before we found someone who could help us find our car (for some reason I remembered the four digit number of our parking space and once the garage guy pointed us in the right direction we were able to find it). When we got to the car we discovered someone had keyed the driver's side door. Nice.
We had dinner at Il Porto even though S hates Italian food. Our waiter was Palestinian and he and S had a conversation in arabic, I assume part of which was making fun of me and my hair. Then we went to Union Street Public House for a glass of wine. I was saddened to find my favorite book shop, which I used to visit once a week when I lived in old town, is now a starbucks. Those fuckers.
For some reason everyone was staring at us in the bar. I wonder if it's in part because I get giggly when I drink and S was telling me a story about hiding a fart making machine in the cube of this uptight woman he worked with. He and his boss would go into a glass walled office so they could watch her reaction when they made the machine fart. I was laughing so hard that I couldn't hold my wine glass.
The next morning I woke up with a slight hangover and met S out in the parking lot. We walked over to the rental car and the back bumper was smashed in and the tail light broken. I started unleashing a string of curse words but S found a note on the windshield. It said "sorry I hit your car, please call". We couldn't figure out how the woman had hit the rental car. We were parked in the last space and there was at least 40 feet to the other set of parking spaces. Idiot.
S asked if I made up curse words or learned them. I answered both. Thank you and bless you US Marines.
The two days of classes went really, really well. We even managed to make it to the airport on time. I had to fill out a form about the car accident and the guy servicing the car at Hertz drove us to the airport because, he said, "you don't want to take that bus".
Somehow S manages to get people to do all kinds of stuff like that for him. I need to get his skills. Oh, except for the guy in the office where I was teaching who got upset because S asked him to make a copy. I bet he would have done it for me.
And, to cap off the whole weird trip, at the end of class this kid named T who sat next to me and was always the first to answer my questions (most of the time, incorrectly) walked in front of me, bowed down with both hands clasped in front of him, and said "thank you, your highness, for this class". Awkward. A sales guy from my company started laughing (as did the rest of the students) when T left. He said "I've never seen anyone do THAT before."
S says I should become a writer for a tv show.
We had dinner at Il Porto even though S hates Italian food. Our waiter was Palestinian and he and S had a conversation in arabic, I assume part of which was making fun of me and my hair. Then we went to Union Street Public House for a glass of wine. I was saddened to find my favorite book shop, which I used to visit once a week when I lived in old town, is now a starbucks. Those fuckers.
For some reason everyone was staring at us in the bar. I wonder if it's in part because I get giggly when I drink and S was telling me a story about hiding a fart making machine in the cube of this uptight woman he worked with. He and his boss would go into a glass walled office so they could watch her reaction when they made the machine fart. I was laughing so hard that I couldn't hold my wine glass.
The next morning I woke up with a slight hangover and met S out in the parking lot. We walked over to the rental car and the back bumper was smashed in and the tail light broken. I started unleashing a string of curse words but S found a note on the windshield. It said "sorry I hit your car, please call". We couldn't figure out how the woman had hit the rental car. We were parked in the last space and there was at least 40 feet to the other set of parking spaces. Idiot.
S asked if I made up curse words or learned them. I answered both. Thank you and bless you US Marines.
The two days of classes went really, really well. We even managed to make it to the airport on time. I had to fill out a form about the car accident and the guy servicing the car at Hertz drove us to the airport because, he said, "you don't want to take that bus".
Somehow S manages to get people to do all kinds of stuff like that for him. I need to get his skills. Oh, except for the guy in the office where I was teaching who got upset because S asked him to make a copy. I bet he would have done it for me.
And, to cap off the whole weird trip, at the end of class this kid named T who sat next to me and was always the first to answer my questions (most of the time, incorrectly) walked in front of me, bowed down with both hands clasped in front of him, and said "thank you, your highness, for this class". Awkward. A sales guy from my company started laughing (as did the rest of the students) when T left. He said "I've never seen anyone do THAT before."
S says I should become a writer for a tv show.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
faster than the speed of light!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great article about scientists at CERN measuring particles traveling possibly faster than the speed of light.
http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2011/09/22/140713791/scientists-report-breaking-the-speed-of-light-but-can-it-be-true?ps=cprs
http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2011/09/22/140713791/scientists-report-breaking-the-speed-of-light-but-can-it-be-true?ps=cprs
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
we don't know where we're going
I arrived in DC today to teach the make up class for the laptop debacle class. I am hoping the events of today are not a harbinger of things to come.
I flew in and did some errands while waiting for my work pal S to arrive. He's not a consultant (he's, eek, in sales) but he agreed to help me out with the class in case there's more problems with the laptops (he's a geek by training but because of moral failings went to the dark side). We got to the office where the class is being held at 4:15. I was told I would have access to the classroom at 4 pm so I could set up. Ha.
We walked into the building and I was trying to look up the floor for the company. S said "it's 4" so we went to the fourth floor. Wrong floor. I found the address and we were supposed to be on the 3rd floor so we took the elevator there. There was a sign on the office door saying we had to check in with reception on the 7th floor. We went there. There was a sign on the office door on the 7th floor telling us to go to the 3rd floor because the 7th floor office had been closed.
We went back to the 3rd floor but the doors were locked and there was no intercom or anything. So I tried to call my contact. She answered and I managed to tell her we were waiting outside the office for her and then my cell coverage went to SOS. S tried to call her on his phone but his coverage was non-existent too. We got someone to let us into the office even though there was a sign on the door saying "NO UNBADGED VISITORS BEYOND THIS POINT" because my contact didn't bother to come out and get us. Ha. We don't need no stinkin badges.
The class room is a disaster (the people using it didn't leave until 430, leaving us only an hour for set up and testing - thanks asspipes!). Three odd shaped tables. One has a piece of metal sticking out of the corner. I just know someone is going to get impaled on it. Some of the power plugs don't work so we had to crawl around under tables to find ones that did work. Our contact is worried she won't have enough badges for the students. The room has, seriously, like 20 extra chairs meaning there's barely any room to move around (a whole herd of the chairs is in front of my white board - I need to use the white board - how I will reach it if they don't move the chairs, I don't know). Ech.
Then S's gps sent us on a wild goose chase through Alexandria trying to find our hotel. We got there, and it turns out the woman S contacted to make our reservation made it for 21 December instead of 21 September. The hotel was sold out of rooms. I could feel the steam starting to come out my ears. After traveling all day and driving in traffic from Dulles and then having to set up the crap class room and spending 45 minutes looking for the fucking hotel the last thing I wanted to be was homeless.
S said "when you get upset you stop looking at people" because I was staring at my blackberry thinking "why can't I just be an application that can live anywhere?" and wondering if S was serious about getting a hotel in Reston and trying to do that shit ass commute back to Alexandria tomorrow morning. In the rain (it's supposed to rain, it's raining on and off now). All the hotels in Alexandria are sold out.
I decided the best course of action was to go outside and smoke. Came back in the lobby after, problem solved. S thinks the guy gave us rooms (he had to over ride the computer system) because of me. I think he meant because front desk guy was afraid I would kill him if he tried to send us to another hotel. Or maybe he meant because I looked so cute in my "I'm not homeless, I just dress like I am" outfit with my blond afro threatening to engulf the lobby.
Yeah, I suffer. But at least this time I'm making someone in sales suffer with me. And, sales people always pick up the tab for dinner, which S did tonight.
You have to be glad for the little happy things in life and ignore all the other shit. Or so people who don't travel as much as I do keep telling me...
I flew in and did some errands while waiting for my work pal S to arrive. He's not a consultant (he's, eek, in sales) but he agreed to help me out with the class in case there's more problems with the laptops (he's a geek by training but because of moral failings went to the dark side). We got to the office where the class is being held at 4:15. I was told I would have access to the classroom at 4 pm so I could set up. Ha.
We walked into the building and I was trying to look up the floor for the company. S said "it's 4" so we went to the fourth floor. Wrong floor. I found the address and we were supposed to be on the 3rd floor so we took the elevator there. There was a sign on the office door saying we had to check in with reception on the 7th floor. We went there. There was a sign on the office door on the 7th floor telling us to go to the 3rd floor because the 7th floor office had been closed.
We went back to the 3rd floor but the doors were locked and there was no intercom or anything. So I tried to call my contact. She answered and I managed to tell her we were waiting outside the office for her and then my cell coverage went to SOS. S tried to call her on his phone but his coverage was non-existent too. We got someone to let us into the office even though there was a sign on the door saying "NO UNBADGED VISITORS BEYOND THIS POINT" because my contact didn't bother to come out and get us. Ha. We don't need no stinkin badges.
The class room is a disaster (the people using it didn't leave until 430, leaving us only an hour for set up and testing - thanks asspipes!). Three odd shaped tables. One has a piece of metal sticking out of the corner. I just know someone is going to get impaled on it. Some of the power plugs don't work so we had to crawl around under tables to find ones that did work. Our contact is worried she won't have enough badges for the students. The room has, seriously, like 20 extra chairs meaning there's barely any room to move around (a whole herd of the chairs is in front of my white board - I need to use the white board - how I will reach it if they don't move the chairs, I don't know). Ech.
Then S's gps sent us on a wild goose chase through Alexandria trying to find our hotel. We got there, and it turns out the woman S contacted to make our reservation made it for 21 December instead of 21 September. The hotel was sold out of rooms. I could feel the steam starting to come out my ears. After traveling all day and driving in traffic from Dulles and then having to set up the crap class room and spending 45 minutes looking for the fucking hotel the last thing I wanted to be was homeless.
S said "when you get upset you stop looking at people" because I was staring at my blackberry thinking "why can't I just be an application that can live anywhere?" and wondering if S was serious about getting a hotel in Reston and trying to do that shit ass commute back to Alexandria tomorrow morning. In the rain (it's supposed to rain, it's raining on and off now). All the hotels in Alexandria are sold out.
I decided the best course of action was to go outside and smoke. Came back in the lobby after, problem solved. S thinks the guy gave us rooms (he had to over ride the computer system) because of me. I think he meant because front desk guy was afraid I would kill him if he tried to send us to another hotel. Or maybe he meant because I looked so cute in my "I'm not homeless, I just dress like I am" outfit with my blond afro threatening to engulf the lobby.
Yeah, I suffer. But at least this time I'm making someone in sales suffer with me. And, sales people always pick up the tab for dinner, which S did tonight.
You have to be glad for the little happy things in life and ignore all the other shit. Or so people who don't travel as much as I do keep telling me...
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
because people always think I make this shit up
At 12:30 today I received the confirmation for the class I was supposed to teach today. With the added comment I can't make travel plans UNTIL I receive this confirmation.
My horoscope today said "feel free to ignore and move away from negative energy today". I wonder if I will get an apology from the scheduler. Probably not...
My horoscope today said "feel free to ignore and move away from negative energy today". I wonder if I will get an apology from the scheduler. Probably not...
got English?
So last week on Wednesday evening I
got an emergency request to teach a class this week in DC. The class
was going to happen Tuesday or Wednesday, they weren't sure. So I told
scheduling I could do Tuesday but that I was booked Wednesday.
I didn't hear anything back so I
sent an email Thursday asking if I needed to change my flight (I'm flying to DC tomorrow) and asking
if the class had been confirmed with the client (I can't travel without
a confirmation).
So Thursday afternoon I get an
email from the training coordinator that just said "Get it confirmed!"
There were others cc:ed on the email so I assumed the training
coordinator was asking someone else to get the class confirmed ASAP. I
am supposed to receive an automatically generated confirmation when the
class is "officially" confirmed (they have to enter the new status in a
database so a charge code can be generated). I did not receive one so
Friday I sent a final "WTF is going on with this class?" No response.
Also, the only information I had about this supposed class was the teach
location - no contact, no idea who the customer was, etc.
So, as I think any NORMAL person would assume, I assumed I was not teaching the class. Then I get a call at 3 PM yesterday from
the customer wanting to go over logistics for the class. I politely
told him I did not get a confirmation for the class and then I called
scheduling. It turns out the training coordinator meant to write "got it confirmed!" The scheduler insists I should have been able to discern that. She is mad at ME.
Given the amount of classes
canceled this year, the amount of last minute engagements that don't
happen, not getting a formal confirmation or client information, HOW THE
FUCK was I supposed to know there was a typo? Further, why didn't the
training coordinator respond back to my email friday asking for
clarification (she said she didn't have time to read it and just assumed
it was something she could get to on Monday). They, seriously, wanted
me to try to get a flight to DC last night (at this point it was 5 PM).
Even if I could have gotten a flight it would have gotten in super late
and then I would have had to be on site with the customer at 730 am.
A few years ago, I would have tried to make it. Now, fuck them.
The ironic part of the story is
that there are two consultants in DC that could have taken the class,
thus clearing up the problem, but they didn't want it.
My friend Camile says I should start taking anti-depressants. I don't think they would help.
Monday, September 19, 2011
fucking bees
I have to figure out a new way to attract hummingbirds that doesn't involve bees.
the origins of (hee) gas
I've just started up with my chaos class again. I did the first 12 lectures with my dad while we were on vacation 3 years ago but we didn't get through the whole thing. I bought my own copy and am going to complete it in the next few weeks. The class is given by Dr. Steven Strogatz.
One of the things I learned last night is that the word chaos, which is greek, is also the root of the word gas. Makes sense. Gas is a collection of particles flying all over the place.
Think about that next time you're on a plane next to a lactose intolerant middle aged man who's just had an ice cream cone.
One of the things I learned last night is that the word chaos, which is greek, is also the root of the word gas. Makes sense. Gas is a collection of particles flying all over the place.
Think about that next time you're on a plane next to a lactose intolerant middle aged man who's just had an ice cream cone.
Friday, September 16, 2011
abbiacrossamerica update
Today I was surprised to find a little envelope in my stack of mail. It was from Abbi, whom I met at the San Fran airport a few weeks ago.
I can't believe I'm such a crackhead that I forgot to mention that Abbi is riding her bike cross country to raise money for Avenues, a shelter for homeless youth. If you check out the link for her trip you'll find a blog of her trip as well as information on where to make a donation. I've been enjoying her blog (and am envious, as I sit around working instead of having an adventure). Check it out, there's lots of great pictures. She even takes pictures of her food and biking injuries.
In any case, after I met her I made a donation to Avenues. The card she sent me was a thank you card. She's quit smoking (good, I'm next) and she wrote a really nice note about my donation.
I donate to a lot of charities, and it's always nice to get a hand written thank you with a personal note. Which she wrote in a campsite after riding all day.
If you have some spare change why not make a donation...
I can't believe I'm such a crackhead that I forgot to mention that Abbi is riding her bike cross country to raise money for Avenues, a shelter for homeless youth. If you check out the link for her trip you'll find a blog of her trip as well as information on where to make a donation. I've been enjoying her blog (and am envious, as I sit around working instead of having an adventure). Check it out, there's lots of great pictures. She even takes pictures of her food and biking injuries.
In any case, after I met her I made a donation to Avenues. The card she sent me was a thank you card. She's quit smoking (good, I'm next) and she wrote a really nice note about my donation.
I donate to a lot of charities, and it's always nice to get a hand written thank you with a personal note. Which she wrote in a campsite after riding all day.
If you have some spare change why not make a donation...
I can't make this incompetence up
I have to teach a makeup class for that class in August that went badly due to hardware and software issues.
You would think my company would take resolving the issues with the laptops seriously. The class starts next week and I'm still not sure the problem is fixed. Total nightmare.
These are excerpts from actual emails (I've bolded the really insane parts):
Me:
Can you follow up on the laptop problem or direct me to the person I need to talk to about what happened in the class with the laptops? We need to make sure the issue is resolved.
Training coordinator:
I have sent the notes you provided to our IT team, to investigate the issue surrounding the performance of the laptops. No news yet.
IT (4 days later):
The systems have 3gb of RAM and one processor so that should have worked.
I tested the image on four systems:
1. 3GB ram xp (used for class) - 1:04 min to boot to vm image
2. 3 GB ram xp (used for class) - 1:00 min to boot to vm image
3. 3.2 ram xp two processors - 51.5 sec to boot vm image
4. 4 GB ram two processors - Win7 - 30 sec to boot to vm image
Me:
Testing the image is critical to diagnosing whether the problem is the image or the hardware. Just testing the bootup time for the VMWare image doesn't address the problem.
IT (3 days later):
I could not test the VMWare image because I don't have the password.
Me:
The password is (blahblah). It was on the documentation sent with the VMWare image.
IT (2 days later):
I have done everything I have time to complete. I wish I had time to test the other performance issues but I have to start the builds for next week.
(basically, IT is going to build the machines without knowing if the problems are fixed - and all they did was time how long it took for the VMWare to boot up - adding the numbers, that means they did 5 minutes of testing).
Training developer:
Are the laptops still available or have they been reconfigured? If they are available, can we do one or two tests as suggested by Franki?
Training coordinator:
If you'd like to order one laptop (the same as used for the class) pre-configured with the image than an asset request can be arranged so that you can test it.
Me:
If you need me to do the testing you'll have to send the laptop to my hotel. I am currently on an engagement in Houston.
NOTE: Testing the laptops is NOT my job.
IT:
We can only ship a laptop to your residence.
Me:
I won't be home until a week before the new class and if there are problems that only gives us 2 days to fix them before you ship the new machines.
Training Developer:
You can send the laptop to me and I will test it.
(NOTE: testing IS the training developer's job)
Training Developer:
I received the Computer to test, but there is no VM image on it.... Please advice (sic).
IT:
I did not realize you needed the VMWare image. Only IT can access or download VMWare images.
Amazingly, with all these people involved, I still am not sure the problem is fixed. Next week may be a bad week...
You would think my company would take resolving the issues with the laptops seriously. The class starts next week and I'm still not sure the problem is fixed. Total nightmare.
These are excerpts from actual emails (I've bolded the really insane parts):
Me:
Can you follow up on the laptop problem or direct me to the person I need to talk to about what happened in the class with the laptops? We need to make sure the issue is resolved.
Training coordinator:
I have sent the notes you provided to our IT team, to investigate the issue surrounding the performance of the laptops. No news yet.
IT (4 days later):
The systems have 3gb of RAM and one processor so that should have worked.
I tested the image on four systems:
1. 3GB ram xp (used for class) - 1:04 min to boot to vm image
2. 3 GB ram xp (used for class) - 1:00 min to boot to vm image
3. 3.2 ram xp two processors - 51.5 sec to boot vm image
4. 4 GB ram two processors - Win7 - 30 sec to boot to vm image
Me:
Testing the image is critical to diagnosing whether the problem is the image or the hardware. Just testing the bootup time for the VMWare image doesn't address the problem.
IT (3 days later):
I could not test the VMWare image because I don't have the password.
Me:
The password is (blahblah). It was on the documentation sent with the VMWare image.
IT (2 days later):
I have done everything I have time to complete. I wish I had time to test the other performance issues but I have to start the builds for next week.
(basically, IT is going to build the machines without knowing if the problems are fixed - and all they did was time how long it took for the VMWare to boot up - adding the numbers, that means they did 5 minutes of testing).
Training developer:
Are the laptops still available or have they been reconfigured? If they are available, can we do one or two tests as suggested by Franki?
Training coordinator:
If you'd like to order one laptop (the same as used for the class) pre-configured with the image than an asset request can be arranged so that you can test it.
Me:
If you need me to do the testing you'll have to send the laptop to my hotel. I am currently on an engagement in Houston.
NOTE: Testing the laptops is NOT my job.
IT:
We can only ship a laptop to your residence.
Me:
I won't be home until a week before the new class and if there are problems that only gives us 2 days to fix them before you ship the new machines.
Training Developer:
You can send the laptop to me and I will test it.
(NOTE: testing IS the training developer's job)
Training Developer:
I received the Computer to test, but there is no VM image on it.... Please advice (sic).
IT:
I did not realize you needed the VMWare image. Only IT can access or download VMWare images.
Amazingly, with all these people involved, I still am not sure the problem is fixed. Next week may be a bad week...
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
on "artificial" intelligence
Yesterday my friend d sent me an xkcd comic. It gave me an idea for an iPhone app. I asked my brothers if the app would be feasible to create:
Bob wrote:
What you've developed could easily be implemented with a Bayesian tree. Some guy wrote a chess-playing email spam filter using this - the spam filter would reap through already played games looking for similar moves, pick the next move from a game that won, and reply with that move (in the form of a 'rejected email' notification) http://dbacl.sourceforge.net/spam_chess-1.html
I'm a fan of simply scrambling the orig message into anagrams (joe into EOJ) then truncating everything to 3 or 4 letters then injecting random punctuation. The sender will spend hours trying to figure out what the abbreviations mean. I get charged per text message (up to 130 chars), and I hate it when people send 'OMG, LOL! BOS @ CATS?'
(*nux users, check 'man strfry' and 'man atoi', other OS users will have to google it (be cautious, I once typed 'man find' into google at work and was a bit shocked at the results....))
Steve wrote:
All you need is a vacuum that watches twitter and Facebook conversations. Then matches against what the human says with the typical response on one or both of the real conversations. Maybe do some better filtering of the existing data. Shouldn't be too hard. Also sounds like something IBM would do...
Delusional people have existed throughout history, I don't know how much commercial appeal there is to codifying unproductive conversations. Before going too far, you may consider watching: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0805564/
Then d, who has a flair for the dramatic, and who can twist even the most mundane musings into a PhD thesis, wrote:
Packaging and marketing is always the tricky part, but I think the appeal of codified unproductive conversations is a fundamental part of our idea of what it is to be intelligent, and in fact human. Look at the history of the idea of robotics - at every stage of concept and development, the first thing their creators want to do is carry on an idiot conversation with their creations.
1. God creates man, attempts to have a conversation with his creation. Fails, and is forced to behavioral methods to get his messages across.
2. Türing posits a 'sufficient' test for humanity dependent only on discernable idiocy of conversation, commits suicide.
3. The first thing (after mortgage calculations) that programmers do with BASIC is create ELIZA, a therapist emulator that works exactly like the Twitter/Facebook vacuum cleaner you imagine. It generates better results in patients, on average, than actual flesh and blood therapists.
4. Phillip K. Dick thinks (and writes repeatedly) that it is impossible to differentiate human from robot lovers in anything but a negative sense, commits suicide.
4b. Women argue that it is very possible to differentiate human from robot lovers, and choose vibrators and television.
5. Ridley Scott makes a paranoid movie proving that robots are better actors than humans, many tech-oriented corporations suffer huge losses or go out of business (see "Blade Runner curse").
6. Cell phone companies boost their business exponentially by offering "unlimited evening and weekend minutes". Largest user groups are those with the least to say - teenagers, friends who see each other every day, and people standing in lineups.
7. Schizophrenics popularly fabricate someone to talk to, whether than person wants to listen to what they have to say or not. So do children with 'imaginary' friends. It's also why people have pets, in many cases, and why pets are recommended for seniors' mental health.
'nuff said. We're ready to talk to anything, robotic or not. And pay for it.
Bring the app...
The interesting, or sad thing, is that none of these responses had to do with my original app idea.
Intelligent conversation? Maybe. Interesting? I'll give it that.
Bob wrote:
What you've developed could easily be implemented with a Bayesian tree. Some guy wrote a chess-playing email spam filter using this - the spam filter would reap through already played games looking for similar moves, pick the next move from a game that won, and reply with that move (in the form of a 'rejected email' notification) http://dbacl.sourceforge.net/spam_chess-1.html
I'm a fan of simply scrambling the orig message into anagrams (joe into EOJ) then truncating everything to 3 or 4 letters then injecting random punctuation. The sender will spend hours trying to figure out what the abbreviations mean. I get charged per text message (up to 130 chars), and I hate it when people send 'OMG, LOL! BOS @ CATS?'
(*nux users, check 'man strfry' and 'man atoi', other OS users will have to google it (be cautious, I once typed 'man find' into google at work and was a bit shocked at the results....))
Steve wrote:
All you need is a vacuum that watches twitter and Facebook conversations. Then matches against what the human says with the typical response on one or both of the real conversations. Maybe do some better filtering of the existing data. Shouldn't be too hard. Also sounds like something IBM would do...
Delusional people have existed throughout history, I don't know how much commercial appeal there is to codifying unproductive conversations. Before going too far, you may consider watching: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0805564/
Then d, who has a flair for the dramatic, and who can twist even the most mundane musings into a PhD thesis, wrote:
Packaging and marketing is always the tricky part, but I think the appeal of codified unproductive conversations is a fundamental part of our idea of what it is to be intelligent, and in fact human. Look at the history of the idea of robotics - at every stage of concept and development, the first thing their creators want to do is carry on an idiot conversation with their creations.
1. God creates man, attempts to have a conversation with his creation. Fails, and is forced to behavioral methods to get his messages across.
2. Türing posits a 'sufficient' test for humanity dependent only on discernable idiocy of conversation, commits suicide.
3. The first thing (after mortgage calculations) that programmers do with BASIC is create ELIZA, a therapist emulator that works exactly like the Twitter/Facebook vacuum cleaner you imagine. It generates better results in patients, on average, than actual flesh and blood therapists.
4. Phillip K. Dick thinks (and writes repeatedly) that it is impossible to differentiate human from robot lovers in anything but a negative sense, commits suicide.
4b. Women argue that it is very possible to differentiate human from robot lovers, and choose vibrators and television.
5. Ridley Scott makes a paranoid movie proving that robots are better actors than humans, many tech-oriented corporations suffer huge losses or go out of business (see "Blade Runner curse").
6. Cell phone companies boost their business exponentially by offering "unlimited evening and weekend minutes". Largest user groups are those with the least to say - teenagers, friends who see each other every day, and people standing in lineups.
7. Schizophrenics popularly fabricate someone to talk to, whether than person wants to listen to what they have to say or not. So do children with 'imaginary' friends. It's also why people have pets, in many cases, and why pets are recommended for seniors' mental health.
'nuff said. We're ready to talk to anything, robotic or not. And pay for it.
Bring the app...
The interesting, or sad thing, is that none of these responses had to do with my original app idea.
Intelligent conversation? Maybe. Interesting? I'll give it that.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
500? too much?
When I first started using netflix the limit on the number of movies you could save was 300. I filled up my queue in less than a week. So I wrote to customer service asking if they could extend my queue to 500. Surprisingly, they did it.
I think netflix is the BEST thing ever. They are really service oriented too. They were kind enough to let me deactivate my account for 14 months (normally you can only deactivate for 6) when I was in the middle east. They always get my broken movies replaced in a few days. And occasionally (once every few months) they'll send more than my allotted movies.
So, I wonder if it would be pushing them to get them to make the queues support 600 saved movies. I can't add any more movies to my queue, but I need to. I even eliminated a few movies so I could get ones in my queue that I didn't want to forget about.
500 doesn't seem like too many movies.
I think netflix is the BEST thing ever. They are really service oriented too. They were kind enough to let me deactivate my account for 14 months (normally you can only deactivate for 6) when I was in the middle east. They always get my broken movies replaced in a few days. And occasionally (once every few months) they'll send more than my allotted movies.
So, I wonder if it would be pushing them to get them to make the queues support 600 saved movies. I can't add any more movies to my queue, but I need to. I even eliminated a few movies so I could get ones in my queue that I didn't want to forget about.
500 doesn't seem like too many movies.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
in case you thought I was making that story up
new cactus, new lights
 |
| Today I put in solar lights along my new path, put up the hummingbird feeder and the other kinds of birds feeder. I even weeded. It's nice to do something domestic after two straight weeks in Houston. |
 |
| I also got a new cactus to replace my old cactus, Ernie, who died. He's third from the right. His name is Dr. Pascal Pointworth. |
Monday, September 5, 2011
lost count of the body count
WARNING: this is a story about a dead person, do not read while you're eating or if you're sensitive
I don't know why, but I have a habit of seeing dead people, including a guy getting killed by a train and a homeless guy who died in my back alley. Maybe because of my zombie knee?
Today I worked all morning (actually, I worked all Saturday and Sunday, but, I'm stuck in Houston and there isn't much to do) and decided to take the afternoon off to go to the Houston Museum of Fine Arts and the sculpture gardens. I was going to walk there.
I got two blocks from my hotel when I encountered the below pictured body. I wasn't sure at first that he was dead so I yelled at him. No response. I looked at his hands and the tissue was somehow, hard to describe, waxy or settled in a way. Also, his position seemed rigid.
I went over to a tree, broke a stick off, and then poked the guy with it. Stiff as a board, no response. He was so dirty I was afraid to touch him.
So I called 911. A rude dispatcher asked me a bunch of questions. "Do you need an ambulance, fire engine, or police?" I was like "what ever you normally send for a dead body". And he was like "Ma'am, I NEED TO KNOW do you need an ambulance, fire engine, or police?" I was like "I guess send them all if you don't know because I don't know what I need."
I was transferred to the ambulance dispatcher. She made me spell the names of the street intersections (Bell, how hard is it to spell that?). Then she asked me what his race was. I couldn't see because he was laying on his face so I guessed and the woman started yelling at me for not being able to tell if he was hispanic or asian. She told me to roll him over but I said he was too dirty. Also, there was fluid leaking out from under his body. I didn't want to know where it was coming from.
She told me to ask him his name. I said "I'm pretty sure he can't answer because he's dead". She asked me to feel for a pulse but I couldn't bring myself to do it. This guy was REALLY dirty. She then advised me to wait with him until the cops came and to flag down the cops so they would know where I was (how hard could it be to find the fucking location? I gave them a street intersection and the name of the garage). I was supposed to start CPR on him, not give him fluids, and make sure he didn't take any medication. All of which I knew he wouldn't do, because he was dead.
So I was standing about 10 feet away from the body, smoking, when a guy came up to me pushing a guy in a wheel chair. Unbelievably, they were going to try to rob the guy. I started yelling at them but the wheel chair pusher was a lot bigger than me so I crossed the street after telling them the police were only moments away (which was a lie). The wheel chair pusher did something to the body and then I heard him yell out in disgust before pushing his friend away.
The ambulance showed up 30 minutes later. The guy got out and said "where is the victim?" I was like um, dude, RIGHT THERE. He put on some gloves and checked the guy's pulse. Dead.
So he and his partner pulled out a gurney and picked the guy up and dropped him in a heap on the gurney. I must have looked horrified because the driver said "don't worry, he's just homeless". The other guy said "if it makes you feel better pretend he's just sleeping". A fire truck showed up around that time and hosed down the area where the body was (there was vomit and other fluids all over the side walk). As the ambulance drove away the driver, I am NOT making this up, blew a kiss at me and said "thanks for calling baby". The other guy winked at me.
I decided, since I had spent so much time with the dead guy, to drive to the museum because it was going to close in 3 hours. It ended up being a wise choice because mapquest said it was only a 3 mile walk but in fact it was 5 miles.
I went to the sculpture garden first and saw this:
The second sculpture is almost exactly the position the dead guy was in.
I'm having a run of weirdness this month, imploding situations with people, bad travel karma, bad luck with my maids (how many more things can they break in my house), unusually angry customers (not at me, at my company - I just get to be the punching bag), and a general sense of unease about the 9/11 anniversary. I hope I don't have to fly that day.
And I hope my luck changes soon...
I don't know why, but I have a habit of seeing dead people, including a guy getting killed by a train and a homeless guy who died in my back alley. Maybe because of my zombie knee?
Today I worked all morning (actually, I worked all Saturday and Sunday, but, I'm stuck in Houston and there isn't much to do) and decided to take the afternoon off to go to the Houston Museum of Fine Arts and the sculpture gardens. I was going to walk there.
I got two blocks from my hotel when I encountered the below pictured body. I wasn't sure at first that he was dead so I yelled at him. No response. I looked at his hands and the tissue was somehow, hard to describe, waxy or settled in a way. Also, his position seemed rigid.
I went over to a tree, broke a stick off, and then poked the guy with it. Stiff as a board, no response. He was so dirty I was afraid to touch him.
I was transferred to the ambulance dispatcher. She made me spell the names of the street intersections (Bell, how hard is it to spell that?). Then she asked me what his race was. I couldn't see because he was laying on his face so I guessed and the woman started yelling at me for not being able to tell if he was hispanic or asian. She told me to roll him over but I said he was too dirty. Also, there was fluid leaking out from under his body. I didn't want to know where it was coming from.
She told me to ask him his name. I said "I'm pretty sure he can't answer because he's dead". She asked me to feel for a pulse but I couldn't bring myself to do it. This guy was REALLY dirty. She then advised me to wait with him until the cops came and to flag down the cops so they would know where I was (how hard could it be to find the fucking location? I gave them a street intersection and the name of the garage). I was supposed to start CPR on him, not give him fluids, and make sure he didn't take any medication. All of which I knew he wouldn't do, because he was dead.
So I was standing about 10 feet away from the body, smoking, when a guy came up to me pushing a guy in a wheel chair. Unbelievably, they were going to try to rob the guy. I started yelling at them but the wheel chair pusher was a lot bigger than me so I crossed the street after telling them the police were only moments away (which was a lie). The wheel chair pusher did something to the body and then I heard him yell out in disgust before pushing his friend away.
The ambulance showed up 30 minutes later. The guy got out and said "where is the victim?" I was like um, dude, RIGHT THERE. He put on some gloves and checked the guy's pulse. Dead.
So he and his partner pulled out a gurney and picked the guy up and dropped him in a heap on the gurney. I must have looked horrified because the driver said "don't worry, he's just homeless". The other guy said "if it makes you feel better pretend he's just sleeping". A fire truck showed up around that time and hosed down the area where the body was (there was vomit and other fluids all over the side walk). As the ambulance drove away the driver, I am NOT making this up, blew a kiss at me and said "thanks for calling baby". The other guy winked at me.
I decided, since I had spent so much time with the dead guy, to drive to the museum because it was going to close in 3 hours. It ended up being a wise choice because mapquest said it was only a 3 mile walk but in fact it was 5 miles.
I went to the sculpture garden first and saw this:
I'm having a run of weirdness this month, imploding situations with people, bad travel karma, bad luck with my maids (how many more things can they break in my house), unusually angry customers (not at me, at my company - I just get to be the punching bag), and a general sense of unease about the 9/11 anniversary. I hope I don't have to fly that day.
And I hope my luck changes soon...
Sunday, September 4, 2011
ass cast
Sometimes helping people backfires on me.
There's a woman in the office who's on crutches because she broke her ankle. The crutches were not adjusted correctly and so when she walked by my cube on Thursday I offered to fix them for her. She was really happy and kept thanking me.
The guy who's in charge of a major part of the business I'm consulting for came out of his office while that was going on and asked how I knew how to fix the crutches. I explained that I've spent over two years of my life on crutches. He asked why and I told him about my knee.
So he said "I'm having problems with my knee" and he walked into my cube and pulled his pant leg up. I immediately spotted swelling on the medial side of his knee and said "that looks like a tendon issue". I told him to see if the swollen area felt like a rubber band. He said he couldn't tell and asked me to feel it. So I did and decided he had damaged his PCL.
He went to the doctor's on Friday and it turns out I was right. In exchange, he said, for me helping him (I didn't actually do anything) he offered to make me a custom carbon fiber bike seat. Turns out he races bikes. I thought it was a nice thing to offer but told him it wasn't necessary. He said that he could make the seat for less than $15 (he has a company on the side and sells the seats on the web). All I had to do, he said, was let him make a clay cast of my ass, and then he would wrap it in carbon fiber and I would have a bike seat that weighs only 30 grams (most expensive seats weigh 150 grams).
I was like "um, no thanks" and he said "but it will be so much more comfortable" and I said "but I like being uncomfortable".
Hopefully he won't take that as permission to continue to bother me with weird offers like making an ass cast.
There's a woman in the office who's on crutches because she broke her ankle. The crutches were not adjusted correctly and so when she walked by my cube on Thursday I offered to fix them for her. She was really happy and kept thanking me.
The guy who's in charge of a major part of the business I'm consulting for came out of his office while that was going on and asked how I knew how to fix the crutches. I explained that I've spent over two years of my life on crutches. He asked why and I told him about my knee.
So he said "I'm having problems with my knee" and he walked into my cube and pulled his pant leg up. I immediately spotted swelling on the medial side of his knee and said "that looks like a tendon issue". I told him to see if the swollen area felt like a rubber band. He said he couldn't tell and asked me to feel it. So I did and decided he had damaged his PCL.
He went to the doctor's on Friday and it turns out I was right. In exchange, he said, for me helping him (I didn't actually do anything) he offered to make me a custom carbon fiber bike seat. Turns out he races bikes. I thought it was a nice thing to offer but told him it wasn't necessary. He said that he could make the seat for less than $15 (he has a company on the side and sells the seats on the web). All I had to do, he said, was let him make a clay cast of my ass, and then he would wrap it in carbon fiber and I would have a bike seat that weighs only 30 grams (most expensive seats weigh 150 grams).
I was like "um, no thanks" and he said "but it will be so much more comfortable" and I said "but I like being uncomfortable".
Hopefully he won't take that as permission to continue to bother me with weird offers like making an ass cast.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
my friend with the broken butt
The second week I was in Houston I was parking in a garage because my hotel was too far away to walk to the office. The garage gate guy was very impressed for some reason with my corporate credit card. Or maybe he just liked me. He would always try to chat me up as I was leaving, even if there were 5 cars behind me waiting to get out of the garage.
The last day I parked there (I found a hotel less than two miles from the office) I said goodbye to him and he came around the side of the car to shake my hand and I think he wanted to give me a hug. I was parked close to his booth, though, and couldn’t open the door. As he was squeezing by my car mirror to shake my hand it folded in and then snapped back right into his ass as he turned to get back in his booth. He started making these hilarious jokes about suing my company.
I walk by him in the evenings every day on my way home from work and I smile and say hi to him. I could tell he recognized me but wasn’t sure who I was (I never saw him in the garage while I was wearing sunglasses and when I walk by him I always have my shades on).
Today, however, I was walking past with 3 colleagues behind me because they park in that garage (even with my zombie knee I walk faster than most people run, with the exception of esolo of course). I smiled and said hi to him and suddenly a look of complete recognition crossed his face. He pointed at me and shouted “You broke my butt! I’m going to sue [my company]!” My colleagues stopped walking and stared as this guy started laughing and pointing to his ass all the while yelling “You broke my butt!”
Then a car pulled up to the gate and thankfully he went back inside his booth.
I wonder if I will have some explaining to do tomorrow at work.
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