Moschops and banjo boobs

Last night I brought my magic writing dinosaur to my writer's group meeting. A guy there who has published 8 books really liked my dinosaur. And, he showed me at the bottom of the dinosaur was written Moschops. He had the same dinosaur when he was a kid. He handed it back to me and said "now your dinosaur has a name." But I'm also going to keep calling him my magic writing dinosaur.

Moschops was the largest therapsid on the planet during its life in the Middle Permiam period (he's not really a dinosaur, technically speaking). Like me it mostly ate vegetables but occasionally ate meat. And it had a super thick skull. Some scientist say it's because Moschops head butted other dinosaurs, while others say it had a disease and that's what caused the skull to be so thick. He wasn't very evolved, having splayed feet and a tiny little brain. I also found this:

"It may seem hard to believe, but Moschops was the star of a short-lived kids' TV show back in 1983, though it's unclear whether the producers knew that it technically wasn't a dinosaur. Granted, that wasn't the only scientific inaccuracy: for example, Moschops shared a cave with his best friend, an Allosaurus, and his grandfather was a Diplodocus. Perhaps it was a good thing that Moschops only lasted for 13 episodes before fading into pop-culture obscurity."


Scientists are so funny.

There was a new woman at the group who arrived late. She spent 10 minutes introducing herself (we're normally supposed to give our name and what we're working on). She said she was writing a piece about being kicked out of meditation camp, and then proceeded to list about 20 other things she had been kicked out of. She even got kicked out of banjo lessons, which were taught by her best friend. He kicked her out because she wouldn't hold the banjo correctly. She got mad and said "why don't YOU grow some boobs and see how easy it is to hold a banjo". Then he kicked her out.

My piece was read first, 5 pages of Buford, about ice climbing. This woman kept telling me "read eat, pray, love and don't exactly write like that, but write mostly like that". I was like um, no thanks. All the women said they wanted more "inner dialog", whatever that means. And a guy with exactly 2 hours of climbing experience told me I needed to add a section where I planned my climb. I was like dude. I don't plan. I just go. But, whatever. It was still helpful.

Then a dutch guy who is supposed to be my new writing partner (the eat pray love woman is younger and a lot better looking than me so now the screen writer who was helping me seems to be pawning me off so he can help eat pray love woman) read his piece next. It was about a girl who gets TB. The banjo woman suddenly stood up and said that her boyfriend was dying from something which I couldn't hear and that it was upsetting her to listen to a story about someone dying (even though the dutch guy's piece was about the boyfriend of the TB girl trying to find out whether TB girl had a cold or something worse).

It was strange.

Also I met a guy who is an illustrator and I pitched a joint book idea to him where he would take my dreams and draw pictures of them. It was weird because he had just done the same thing for a heavy metal band (he created their cover, and the lead singer said "take this fucked up dream I had and make it the album cover picture"). He said no one had ever asked him to draw their dreams and now, within the space of a week, two of us did.

Anyway, other than my meeting I've been an editing machine. I've been editing about 4 hours at least every day. Sunday I rewrite my proposal and then go to Banff on Wednesday to see Tony, my editor from the mountain writing program. I want my book to be kick ass. I'm actually feeling a lot more confident about it. I rewrote my first chapter AGAIN yesterday and think I've finally addressed the issue people were having with it. And after my Buford piece was read three of the women in my group said "I want to go ice climbing!'

Hooray! My book is working!

FINITO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the magic writing dinosaur

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

I have finished the last chapter of my book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hooray!!! Only a billion more days of editing ahead of me! But who cares! I am so psyched to be done!

Special thanks to Cam who gave me a magic writing dinosaur!

Halloween at Cam's

I went to my friend Cam's house yesterday for Halloween. Every year she has a party where she makes gumbo and the neighbors come over when their brats and done trick or treating.

I was supposed to help Cam make the gumbo, and I did a pretty good job chopping vegetables, but when she brought out the rotisserie chicken and asked me to rip the meat off of it I almost gagged. When she pulled the little meat sticks off the chicken body I told her I would not eat any gumbo that had any meat from those meat sticks in it. So she made a special little bowl for me that didn't have that stuff in it.

One problem with gumbo is you always have to watch it and stir it. That's fun for about 5 minutes. Then I was bored. So she suggested I sit out on the stoop with the candy bowl waiting for little kids to come by. I went out with the bowl and waited for some kids. In the mean time, Cam brought me a beer.

So there I was, sitting on her stoop, drinking a beer and chain smoking. Tricker treater after tricker treater went by, and no one was coming up to Cam's door. So I started heckling the kids' parents "hey, don't you want some candy?" Finally I realized they weren't coming to the stoop because I was drinking and smoking. Whatever. That was my favorite part of halloween when I was a kid. I used to bum cigarettes off of people and we had one neighbor that used to get so drunk we could go to his house 5 or 6 times and he wouldn't remember us.

Then this group of three kids came up. The two older kids, I'd guess they were 9 or 10, were running ahead of the third kid, who was probably 6. This kid, named Charlie, had a craftsy kind of mom. She made him a robot costume out of a huge cardboard box. The box went from his neck to his knees, and only his elbows forward were showing of his arms. Charlie was trying to catch up with his siblings but couldn't run very fast in the box.

Then Charlie ate shit right in front of Cam's stoop. His head disappeared in the box, and I could see his arms flapping around the sides of the box, and he couldn't stand up. He started screaming and crying like he was being water boarded. I was going to help him but I was doubled over with laughter watching his little box rocking around on the sidewalk with his legs kicking out the bottom. It looked like the box was eating him alive.

Finally his parents showed up to help him. Then I realized they were both carrying beers. That's why their kids came up to the stoop I guess, not afraid of me, I reminded them of their parents. I gave them almost the whole bowl of candy.

Then we ate gumbo. It was really good. Tomorrow I'm going to help Cam install some new light bulbs because she's afraid of heights and can't go up on a ladder. I'm hoping there was some left over gumbo...

I've maxed out my netflix queue!

you know you've been traveling too much when...

You always bring your suitcase when you leave the house, because it seems strange to be getting into your car for any reason other than to go to the airport.

You have a moment of panic because you put your keys and your blackberry in the same pocket, and you're afraid your blackberry has demagnetized your keys.

You wonder why the bed hasn't been made up, and then realize there's no maid service at your house.

You throw trash on the floor of your car, and then remember it's not a rental.

You look for the do not disturb sign to hang on your door before you go to bed.

When you wake up the first thing you do is open your suitcase to see what clothes options you have for the day, and then momentarily panic because the suitcase is empty.

You wake up early in the morning and decide to go to the hotel gym, only to discover your house doesn't have a hotel gym.

You mention to the punk at the 7-11 where you are buying cigarettes that the birthdate is located at the top of your Colorado driver's license, only to remember, when he glares at you, that you are in Colorado.

finally, a useful meeting!

On Thursday night I went to my first writer's group meeting. It was very useful and I'm glad I went. The guy who ran my sub-group is known for being sort of mean. I was really glad. He gave me a good reality check about my book, and some great advice. I'm going again 4 November.

In fact, I was so excited that after the meeting I came home and worked on my book for 3 hours. I haven't finished my last chapter but that's okay because I did a major revision of my prologue, first chapter, and my proposal. Today I did research on competitive books. Tomorrow is writing day!!!! I got a hopefully useful book called "Naked, Drunk, and Writing". I do write naked in the summer, but it's too cold to do that now.

I managed to get all of my errands done today too, including removing all of my outside vent covers and putting in insulation (what a fucking pain in the ass). Then I climbed up on my roof to winterize my swamp cooler and almost fell getting down because the old divider wall I climb to get up on the roof was about a foot taller than the new one. I did a pretty impressive iron cross trying to lower my foot down to the divider. Ech.

And, I watched two disturbing movies: Benny's Videos and Funny Games. Fucked up.

that's what's up doc

I went to the doctor's today because my friend Camile made me. I don't have strep throat but I have a sinus infection. Antibiotics to follow.

I was also told that I need to gain weight, and that I have scoliosis (discovered when she was checking my lungs - ha! I don't have bad posture, it's a genetic defect). For the record, my lungs are in great shape and my doctor can't believe I smoke. So, smokers out there, if you can't quit take up running. It seems to offset emphysema, which I should have, but don't. Or at least go for a brisk walk. You guys should be doing that anyway.

I also had to get a test to see if I have anemia because I don't eat enough meat. I did, however, eat some of that meat thing I made yesterday (even though it was a little crispy, it wasn't bad - it wasn't horrible - it was edible). I also accidentally forgot about the spaghetti squash I was cooking in the oven and over cooked it for an hour. That was also still edible. Last night I put half of it on my salad. Tonight I think I'll mix it in with some mashed potatoes and see how that tastes. Those fuckers are really hard to aerate (you have to put holes in them before you cook them because they explode).

I forgot about my squash because a guy came by to measure my back doors, and we started talking, and it was only when I was emailing Cam that I remembered the damn thing. I'm replacing the doors with full view doors so I can have even more light in my house. Psyched to get my new doors!!!!! They are energy efficient, and metal, and will be so much better than the crappy wooden doors I have now which are falling apart.

perverted canadians

And, BTW, what's up with THIS??????


http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101018/ap_on_re_ca/cn_canada_commander_slayings

"Many of the pictures showed a serious-looking Williams masturbating in or with the stolen lingerie. In one picture, he appears to be wearing his military uniform with his trousers dropped to expose pink panties."

Does it surprise me that he was in Dubai? No. I told you everyone over there is fucked up:

"Williams, a 23-year military veteran, has never been in combat but has been stationed across Canada and internationally, including a stint in 2006 as commanding officer of Camp Mirage, the secretive Canadian Forces base widely reported to be near Dubai."

with apologies, and a word on my meat mallet

I've been getting some complaints for not writing lately. My excuse is that I've been sick, so sick, in fact, that I am actually going to see a doctor (I know, shocking). I've lost my voice and can't really talk (and someone should chime in "you say that like it's a bad thing").

In the mean time, I've also managed to not write the last chapter of my book. But, I did sign up for a writer's group in Denver today. We meet on Thursday night. Should be interesting.

And, I'm cooking some more stuff. Today I went to buy a flank steak (I haven't been grocery shopping for 4 weeks) to make this new recipe thing I found, but they didn't have anything called flank steak in the meat place. So I got this other thing called a brisket, which looked like the same thing as a flank steak according to the recipe pictures. Stupid meat. Why do they have to make it so complicated?

Anyway, I pounded the shit out of the brisket thing and then tried to put it in my slow cooker but it got so flattened out that I had to cut it up so it would fit (amazing how much meat spaces out when you flatten it, reminds me of flattening relational database tables, but, that's more useful because then you can do complex queries without crashing the server because you put in a bad outer join - why am I talking about that - I don't know either). Then I doused it with this dressing thing I made. It could be the worst meat ever. We'll see.

One other recipe thing I did wrong was it said to sear the meat. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds hard. That's why I decided to mash the brisket with my meat mallet. Hopefully searing and smashing create the same end product.

Tomorrow, the book will be done. TOMORROW!!!!

sauced balls

Well, my dinner party went really well on Friday, except, of course, for the food.

My friend Carol complimented me on the artistic presentation of the salad (chose the salad vegetables more for their colors than their taste compatibility). And the meat balls, and sauce...well...I paid for taking advice from my mom.

First, things didn't taste exactly right because I didn't follow the cooking directions. Second, I learned not to dump the remains of a bottle of cab into spaghetti sauce cooling in the fridge because it doesn't get absorbed right. Third, I made too many meatballs and followed my mom's advice to put them in the sauce directly after frying them, and those little bastards sucked up all the sauce by the time my guests arrived (24 hours after I put them in the sauce). The final dinner was more like "off colored meat balls (from the wine) with a few tomato skins stuck to them" rather than being a sauce with some meat balls. Carol and Camile both said "I've never had sauce with such an...interesting flavor."

I'm going to try my sauce again, but not put meat balls in it. I wonder if I invite Carol and Camile over again, if they will come back.

The good news is I used three of my new pots.

And, we all had a great time. Even poor James, who's only 12. We hit it off after discovering a mutual admiration for Travis Pastrana. I accidentally said the F word a few times around him but Camile said it was okay and he promised not to say it (at least while his mom is around :)

It was a nice break from the emotional slog I've been going through trying to finish my book. Ech. I'm having nightmares about my ex-boyfriends (except for Mayo, whom I'm still friends with and who came by to see my on Friday on his way to Vermont).

I bet you thought this post was going to be about something more interesting, didn't you?

You'll forgive my lethargic writing because you know I wrote 12,000 words last week for my book, and I am currently in Ft. Worth with the flu but having to teach class. I am about to get into bed and take a double dose of nyquil even though it's only 6 PM because I feel like schmata but have to get up at 530 tomorrow morning to be to my class in time. Which I don't feel like teaching. I'd rather lay in bed coughing up a lung which is what I've been doing since Saturday. I think writing about my ex-boyfriends has made me sick. I'm usually impervious to every germ.

My sad little life...

spaghetti!!! meatballs!!!!

I cooked today. First I made home made spaghetti sauce from all the stuff Cam and I got at the farmer's market. Then I made meatballs. The meatballs look a little weird because I didn't get the parsley chopped up enough and the parm cheese I got was slivers instead of being powdery. I'm going to test a meatball in a few hours after they've been in the sauce. I hope they aren't totally gross because I made like 20 of them.

> 70k

In Banff, my editor Tony recommended 70K as the word count for my book. I have been writing madly since 4 pm this afternoon, trying to finish this damn thing. I just hit 72K, and have only one original chapter to complete.

Though, I've decided to add 2 more chapters. I mean, it seems kind of stupid to have a book called my other nine lives with only 8 adventure stories.

What is that - blond math?

rejection part II, and my dad's literary criticism

So the agent who asked to read the first five pages of my other nine lives sent me this yesterday:

Thanks for sending along the opening pages of My Other Nine Lives.  Truth be told, though,  I'm afraid these pages just didn't draw me in as much as I had hoped.  I'm pressed for time these days and, what with my reservations about the project, I suspect I wouldn't be the best fit. Thanks so much for contacting me, though, and for giving me this  opportunity. It's much appreciated, and I'm sorry to be passing. I wish you the very best of luck in your search for representation.

It was a nice rejection. But now I'm thinking I'll have to restructure the prologue of my book. Again.

My dad called after I forwarded the rejection to him. It was kind of funny because he said "Basically, she's telling you that she didn't really care about you, so you have to fix those pages to make people care about you." Literary criticism from my dad. Ha ha! I pointed out to him that he never reads anything I write and he said "I read a few pages of sharkfest". So I'm sending him the full story to read. And, I think he's right.

 Oh well. So far my rejections have come from the top tier agents. And other friends of mine who are published say that it's surprising I've gotten any response. So I'm going to keep hacking away, finish my book this week, and spam more agents with my proposal.

we're not in kansas...anymore

Okay, what the fuck is going on with the airline industry?

On Friday I got up at 4 am to catch a United flight from Columbia, SC, to Dulles, and then on to Denver. I was supposed to get home at 2 in the afternoon. Thought I might go for a bike ride.

Instead, I got sucked into a shit vortex of air travel.

My flight in Columbia was delayed 4 hours for a mechanical problem (the delay was reported as being one hour). And I couldn't leave the gate because they weren't sure when the plane would be fixed. As soon as I found out about the delay I asked the gate agent to book me on a later Dulles flight. While he tried to assure me I was safe to make my connection, I insisted. And, when the delay stretched out to 4 hours and I obviously missed my connection, was glad I had done that.

But. I get to Dulles and I'm checked in on the flight, awaiting a seat assignment. I waited in line for a half hour (behind numb skulls trying to switch their middle seats and other stupidity) only to be told by the gate agent "I did not CALL you for a seat assignment, DID I?" I was like, uh, how should I know? She was like "we are in an OVERSOLD situation and the ONLY people who should be in line are those giving up their seats". Fine. I took a seat and listened to these idiots trying to get the airline to give them ridiculous things (e.g. an upgrade to first class) if they took a later flight.

I found out from the flight attendant that the plane I had missed was also canceled due to mechanical problems and 200, YES, 200 people were rebooked on the flight I was trying to get on. I didn't worry because my rebooking occurred at 730 am and theirs at 1230. Plus, I have flight status on United. I looked at the people around me and thought, sorry suckers.

But then I heard the gate agent say the flight was over booked by 45 seats. Are you god damn KIDDING ME? I went to customer service and tried to get on the next Denver flight (the one I had a seat on was at 250 PM, the next flight leaving at 430) but they refused to rebook me.

Everyone got on the plane but me. The gate agent was ignoring me. My blood was boiling. Finally they started to close the door and I was like "DUDE, where's my seat assignment?" and she says "Oh, hold on a minute". She sends another gate agent on the plane to ask someone to give up their seat for me. OF COURSE no one volunteered. And by then all the overflow passengers from the 250 flight were rebooking on the 430 and I had no chance to get on it.

I was like "I am NOT waiting in that long customer service line AGAIN. Rebook me here." The gate agent tried to put me on a 7 am flight on Saturday. I was like NO, I am going home TODAY. She finally found a flight connecting through Kansas City that left 2 hours later. I also got a $400 travel voucher because United, like every other airline, sucks.

ANNOYED. I went to the smoking lounge (thank you Dulles for not being a pussy like other airports and having a smoking lounge at every gate) where this fucking kid started playing a harmonica to try to impress some girl he met (pick up time in a fucking airport smoking "lounge"? are you fucking kidding me?). I gave him a look like I was going to break the harmonica in two and shove one side up his ass and the other side down his throat and then crush him until they met again, and made a "haaah" breathing noise in his direction. He put the harmonica away and left the smoking lounge. A guy said thank you to me in Spanish.

So I finally got to Kansas City, thinking I was home free, only to find out THAT FUCKING FLIGHT was delayed because there was no running water on the plane (what, we're flying in trailer park trailers now?). They took a vote at the gate and everyone agreed to board the plane without water. I was like dudes, it's an hour and a half flight, don't pee and you won't have to worry that you can't wash your hands.

Finally I got to Denver. It's weird, I don't normally get home sick (ever get home sick) but I was having my upper deck replaced while I was in Aiken and I wanted to see it. Also, my garage got tagged big time (thank you city of Denver for cleaning it off for me) and I was worried about that. Finally, after 167,000 miles on my car the clutch needs to be replaced and I had to take my car in for that.

My luggage made it on the 250 flight I missed so I went to customer service to find out where it was. I was stuck behind some fucknut who kept arguing about his bag being lost even though the customer service guy could do nothing to make it magically appear. That wasted 10 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Seriously, if the airline tells you your bag is on another flight, you can't get your bag. Suck it up and contemplate going commando so you don't have to worry about your dirty underwear because you don't have your bag.

When I got up there, addled from lack of sleep and airport trauma, I found out my bag was waiting by bag claim 14. I was SO happy. I said to the guy "What was my bag thinking, taking the early flight? That my toothbrush was going to drive him home? The toothbrush can't drive, bitch!" The guy started laughing hysterically so I left in case he was having a nervous breakdown.

I was so glad to get home (even though it was 1030 at night and I had started my day at the airport 16 hours earlier). Had dinner with Cam on Saturday and we were both so jet lagged (or in her case, car lagged) that neither of us could order a glass of wine using real english. Then we went to the farmer's market on Sunday morning and I bought 5 lbs of tomatoes, two of those garlic pod looking things (meta clove?) that have the real garlic inside where you have to cut it out, two onions, and a spaghetti squash. I'm making dinner for Cam and her family on Friday (spaghetti and meat balls). God help them. We can always order pizza as a back up if it sucks.

if it cuts down on those annoying emails...

One some times wonders why I haven't been fired yet.

My latest response to an email to join some new company community.

binders

I may be regressing on the snake thing. Or maybe I'm just getting a little freaked out because, with all the rain we've gotten the past few days I'm worried about snakes getting in the building.

Last night I had a dream that I was at a conference in a house in the woods. People kept handing me large green binders and saying I missed sessions that I was supposed to attend. But every time I tried to find the rooms where the sessions were held I kept ending up in this dining room area that looked almost exactly like the dining room in the house where I was writing when I was up in Banff.

Then the sessions were over so a guy suggested that I do the dishes to make up for missing all of my sessions. I looked in the sink and it was full of wooden blocks in the shape of cubes, triangles, and circles. I was like "I can't put those in the dishwasher" and the guy said "it's fine, they are dishwasher safe, see?" The inside of the dishwasher was full of the blocks. I was like "what are these for?" and he said "You roll out dough and wrap them around the blocks, and it makes a delightful pastry. Didn't you get one? No, I guess not because you missed all of the sessions." He said he was going to find one for me but someone had put them in the refrigerator and they were all deflated and not delightful at all.

Then a guy came running in and said "what are you doing???? your car is leaving to take you to the airport!!!!" I ran up to my room and grabbed my suitcase and tried to pick up my binders but there were too many to carry. I grabbed what I could and ran downstairs but the car had already left. I was like "fucking fuck, I am fucking up EVERYTHING on this trip!"

A guy told me that I could walk through the woods on this overgrown path to get to the airport but to watch out for snakes. I was like great. So I started dragging my suitcase down the path and there were snakes everywhere. The woods were really thick and the branches were hitting my arms and head and they were slimy. I was totally freaking out and mad at myself for being such a wimp in the woods, and I felt like I had been walking for hours and getting no where.

Then I saw a light that I thought was the airport. But I had to cross a huge river to get to it. There were some rickety wooden planks placed on rocks across the river. I lowered myself down the river bank down to the first plank, which was four feet below the bank. I went to grab my suitcase but the plank started breaking. I kept jumping from place to place as the plank got smaller and smaller and then I jumped on the last section and fell in the water.

The water was really cold and black. I was afraid a python would eat me. I couldn't swim because the current was so strong. Suddenly I was washed up on shore near the light and I realized it wasn't the airport, I was back at the house. I started crying because I had lost my suitcase and my binders, and because I had spent so much time walking through the scary woods only to end up back at the same place.

Then I woke up.

Publish Post

machete man

Last night I had a nightmare about the software tool I support. In the dream I had been kidnapped by a
drug cartel in Mexico. I was assigned to an elderly man and woman. They were both really short and
skinny, except for the guy, who had a pot belly, and they looked like migrant farm workers.

They were taking me around to different villages to kill people. I would draw a diagram to show them
what was going on in the village, and then run a report. They would take the report and kill the person
whose name was on it.

The woman would dig a hole and then the man would throw the person to be killed in the hole. Then the
hole was filled with sand so just the person’s head was sticking out. The guy would pull the person’s
eyeballs out with this metal scoop thing, and then the woman would stack sticks around the person’s
head, like building a tee pee. Then they would set the sticks on fire and the person’s head would be
reduced to cinders. The couple would dump sand on top of the cinders, and then a pool of blood would
form on top of the sand so they would know where the body was.

After each killing the guy would stop at one of those white kitchen trucks that sell food on the side
of the road in Mexico. He kept asking if they had salads to go, and then he would ask me what I wanted
to eat. I didn’t want to eat anything because I was so freaked out from the killings. Finally, after 3
killings, I told him I didn’t want a salad, though it was kind of him to ask, and that he and the woman
should get something to eat because I wasn’t going to eat anything.

He said he was asking for the salad for himself because he was old and needed roughage in his diet.
Then he said “you have to eat something, how about something sweet?” He looked around the different
foods hanging off the outside of the white food truck and then he said “look, raisins! Why don’t you
have some raisins?” They were raisins in that red package, I think they’re del monte raisins.

He gave me the box and I was suddenly very hungry, so I put one in my mouth and swallowed it. The
raisin hit me on the hand. I was like what the hell? And then I looked down and saw blood on the right
side of my shirt going from my shoulder to my feet. The man started laughing and said “we got you too,
and you didn’t even notice!” He had a machete in his hand and I realized he had cut the right side of
my neck. I felt my neck and there was a gaping hole. I thought well, I’m going to bleed to death now.

Then I woke up. I had a real pain in my neck from the shit pillows at the Holiday Inn where I’m
staying.

I was wide awake and freaked out from my dream, so I decided to imagine a parade of circus performers.
Focusing on things like that help me fall asleep, and I thought that thinking of a circus would prevent
me from having another nightmare.

But then I had a second dream that I was watching the circus, and then my sister came running by and
said we were supposed to be running the Circus 10K. So I started running with her, and on the side line
at the end of the race I saw my dad standing with my sister’s kid Nat. They waved to us.

At the end of the race we had to go through a haunted house to cross the finish line. We went up a
flight of metal stairs and then kept looking back waiting for my dad. My sister was impatient because
she wanted to finish the race, so she said we should go ahead and go into the house. I said we should
wait for my dad. He was moving really slowly through the crowd and then I couldn’t see him.

Finally he showed up at the top of the stairs, but Nat wasn’t with him. My sister started freaking out
and yelling at my dad “where is Nat????” My dad said she didn’t want to go through the haunted house so
he let her go to the movie theater by herself to watch a new kids’ movie called “hammer man”. Then my
sister started really freaking out and said “you let her go to the movies by herself? She’s only 9!
What if the circus people get her?”

My dad was upset and about to cry so I told my sister to calm down and that we would go find Nat. We
started walking down the stairs but all of the runners from the race, as well as the circus performers,
were trying to come up the stairs. I was getting shoved around and when I looked back I couldn’t see my
sister or my dad. So I started yelling and waving to get their attention and someone shoved me down the
flight of stairs.

I landed on the ground, in a sitting position, and when I looked up there was the fucking guy with the
machete again. He smiled at me and said “you aren’t getting off that easy, you know” and he swung the
machete into the side of my neck again. Asshole.

I woke up at 4 and decided to read the New Yorker instead of going back to sleep.

"thanks...not for me!"

Six hours after submitting my proposal to 6 literary agents, I got my first rejection. It said "thanks...not for me!" I thought the exclamation point was unnecessary but perhaps the agent was trying to emphasize her point.

But the good news is that I've heard back from my editor from Banff, Tony. I'm going to try to meet him up there for a little reunion. Hoping that some of the other writing crew from my program last year can make it too.

In other news I broke down and bought a GPS today for my car. I had to drive 30 miles to Georgia to get it because there aren't any stores around here that carry them. I was talking to the sales lady at OfficeMax and said that I decided to buy the GPS after spending almost two hours trying to find my way to Aiken from Columbia in the dark. She said "Girl, that's impossible! Why were you driving around in the dark?"

Why indeed.

So now I'll know where I'm going. But, I'm not going anywhere because I said in my proposal that my book was done. It's, hee, not done. Back to the grindstone trying to finish this thing off...

master data

I'm working with this fairly obnoxious woman. The rest of my customer set has been great. I hate working with women because I think they act super bitchy to try to prove themselves or something. She's over weight and likes to sit so close to me that I can feel her breathing on me which is so gross. Also, she smells like fried chicken farts.

The other day we were in a meeting, and we were talking about documenting what they call "master data" (the definition of which is not relevant). This woman was nattering on as if she's super smart (though what she says is inconsistent and doesn't make sense) when she suddenly said "masturbater" instead of "master data". There's a kid who's my age that's been in a lot of our meetings and we've been joking around the whole week, and I couldn't look at him because I knew I would start laughing.

Everyone of course pretended they didn't hear the woman say "masturbater" but now people have started saying just "data". I laugh every time I think about it myself...

it only looks like you're lost

Contrary to rumors, I'm still among the living, and have finished my book proposal, which I'm sending out this weekend, thanks to my great editor Matt. I've been traveling and working a lot.

Currently in lovely Aiken, S.C., working at a site next to a silo of nuclear waste. The silo's name is Hector, which is an acronym for something that no one can remember.

I've decided to break down and buy a GPS after getting totally lost driving to the hotel from Columbia (it's about an hour drive) at 11 o'clock last Sunday night. It was so dark I couldn't read any of the street signs and I ended up driving way out of my way. Then I got to Aiken and my mapquest directions were totally wrong. I found the street my hotel purported to be on, but it was a winding road into a forest with a few houses. I called the hotel and told them I was lost. The woman asked for my cross streets but didn't recognize the names of any of them (I was only 3 miles from the hotel at that point).

She kept assuring me that I was going the right way, and that soon I would happen on an Applebee's. I was having my doubts, and she said "You're not lost, it only looks like you're lost". Then I came around a turn, the road opened up to 2 lanes, and there was the Applebee's.

I have a room on the ground floor of a motel. I don't like it because I have to keep my curtains closed and no natural light gets in my room. The woman at the front desk assured me I'd be safe in the room, and I was like why would I worry for my safety? I'm in the middle of the woods.

Besides Hector, there are some other weird things about where I work. They have alarm drills constantly. The one for a nuclear waste spill is reminiscent of the sound track to a 70s sci fi movie. It a series of weird tones like doo doo DOOOOOO doo. Then there's the fire alarm and a safety alarm (meaning someone was injured in the building). The site is huge, and the only way I can ever find my building is by looking for a sign in front of another building that says "Whole Body Counting Facility". What ever that means.

The other day I went to an outbuilding that looked like a rusty trailer. An hour before I got there they had chased a rattle snake out of the conference room. Although I'm doing well with my snake phobia (saw a snake on the trail when hiking with my dad and was fine) I decided not to put my feet under the conference room table because it was dark under there and I couldn't see if anything was hiding in the corners.

Today I might go to a blue grass festival and then work on my book...tired and need a few down days to get ready for next week's fun and adventures.