skeleton

I picked up Jake the Snake today. I'm going to pretend that's his last name. My nickname for him is skeleton because he's so much lighter than Max.

I took him out for a 40 mile ride today. It was fun, and I'm definitely a lot faster on him most of the time, but I haven't figured out the gears yet. Sadly, I'm used to the visual I get when I shift Max so I'm not always sure where I'm at. And it seems to take more clicks to get the pedals loose (I like to ride with the pedals loose when my legs cramp or when I'm warming up).

Also, I'm not sure where to put my hands. I'm so used to Max's straight out handle bars that I feel like something's...missing. And skel's handle bars are flat on top, so that was kind of strange. I tried looking at another guy on a similar bike to see where he was putting his hands but he was not holding onto the handlebars at all because he was scratching his balls.

I also almost killed myself because I forgot I was on skel and I hopped off of a curb. Then I forgot the brakes are in a different place and almost ended up in oncoming traffic.

Which is kind of funny because when I picked skel up today I was looking at him smiling, and the guy who put him together said "why are you smiling like that?" and I said "because it's been a long time since I've seen a bike that hasn't had a wreck". And then he laughed and said "I was thinking the same thing!" He put skel on the trainer to adjust him and the owner of the store walked by and said "ape arms" so I said "fuck you". Then the mechanic hung these weights off of him to make sure everything was aligned, and then he said "something doesn't seem right here" hanging it over my right knee and I was like "dude, it's not the bike, it's my knee". I showed him my bone plug and he said "cool, you should get a tat on that".

Or, not.

He gave me a free portable bike pump, and a second set of pedals. I have to take skel in for a check up after 150 miles. Hopefully by then I'll learn how to shift him.

indie arsenal

Clo and I had the BEST time last night. We went to a networking event for a group called Indie Arsenal.

At first I was my usual socially retarded self, standing there playing with the zipper on my jacket because I was afraid to talk to anyone. Then a guy named Jason came up and started talking to me, and he reminded me of my friend Jamesy (in fact I showed him a pic because they looked alike down to the glasses though knowing Jamesy he has different glasses now - and, I told Jason the footprints on the dashboard story and he laughed so hard he spit out his beer - sorry Jamesy). I told him about my book idea and he said he really liked it.

Then these two women came up, sisters, Lynette and I forget her name, because they wanted to know what we were laughing about. I told them about my book and Lynette said "maybe next you should try horses" and gave me a card. Which was SO WEIRD because I just watched Australia (I will not speak badly about Baz, the movie was okay) and now I want to learn to jump horses. So Lynette sent me an email today with her friend's contact info and I'm going to go on a trail ride and see what happens from there.

Lynette is a vet technician so we talked about cats that have cancer for a while. Then Clo introduced me to this guy name Eric who is really tall. We talked about motorcycles for a while and he showed me his naked bike. But then, I think because I had a glass of wine, I accidentally started talking about the Higgs Boson particle and the particle accelerator. I wish I could have filmed the change in Eric's face as I started talking about this new theory that a physicist from Hopkins has about gravity (I just read the article and I don't know why but I found it really exciting). The thing was, Clo was excited too so we started talking about CERN and the particle accelerator. Eric had this look on his face like "me want to punch something" so I tried to gracefully end my point but Clo kept bringing up other interesting points. Afterward I said "I wish I hadn't brought up the particle accelerator" and Clo said "but it was interesting!" and I couldn't help but think, hm, maybe THAT'S why we're both single.

Clo won a hat in the raffle that has a place to put headphones. She wore it for a while but said it was itchy.

Then I met another writer. I was telling her that I'm working on 5 books at the same time and her husband started laughing. We decided that it's just the way writers are. I can't remember her name but she is published in real magazines. Impressive.

I am going to join this group, even though I'll miss a few meetings while I'm gone. It was really, really cool to talk to a group of people who are all artists and creative with interesting projects. I even talked to a guy about a children's book that I wrote (involving an alligator with bling on his spine, a kangaroo with oversized feet, and a giant man - the alligator and kangaroo get into trouble when they sneak into a potato chip truck, but then they go to Australia and give mittens to the great whites, which are subsequently stolen by an octopus, but then the giant man gets the mittens back by giving the octopus a scarf since he can't keep the mittens on his tentacles anyway) and he said maybe he could illustrate it for me. It was funny because he was asking about the spinal bling and I suddenly realized "I just told him this crazy story and rather than looking at me strangely he wants to draw the alligator".

Maybe I have found my people.

And we got invited to some cool music shows and Clo got invited to a barbecue. I even met a guy who was MOT, and he was talking in this crazy Arab voice because he works with a band called Air Dubai. He lives pretty close to me too. When I told him I eat pepperoni he said "You're going to hell! And you're going to stay there!"

Hee.

no monkey money

Today the UPS man stopped by to drop off some packages of training material for a class I'm teaching next week. He likes me to open the packages while he's there in case I've ordered anything cool (usually I only get books and movies, which he sometimes borrows).

I showed him the monkey money while I was opening the packages. He was like "you idiot, you're supposed to scratch off the dollar bills". Oops. In my defense he had to take a coin and scratch them really hard to get all of the stuff off. Then it turns out I didn't win anything. He looked at the back of the ticket and said "Shit. You had a 1 in 4 chance of winning something, and you had two tickets, but you didn't win anything."

I was like "I guess I'm just unlucky." He looked at the boxes of training material, flipping through one of the books in case it was something he wanted to learn. It's software stuff, so he definitely didn't want to read it. I said "I wrote that" and he said "this is boring", tossing the training material material on my table.

I walked him to the door before he could look through my movies (sometimes it takes him a long time to return them) and he said "Girl, you suck today" and left.

Hmm. I'm going to order something that weighs 70 pounds and make him carry it into my house. Bastard. I'm just kidding. I like my UPS man.

manic

This week I have, for some reason, been super productive. Maybe it's nervous energy from my impending departure to the middle east.

Today my favorite concrete guy, Austin, came out and looked a the hole under my patio. The bad news is that he has to cut the fucking thing up and then put in a new patio because the hole is likely caused by water leakage. I told him I didn't care as long as he fixed the hole before snakes made a burrow in there, gradually finding their way into my house. He said "Franki, I don't think there are many rattle snakes that would be living here in the city". I said "Exactly, so when they find a little home they're all going to move in". He scratched his head, but then ended up cutting the price of the job, promising "If we find any snakes under there we'll get rid of them".

Then my window guys came (getting new windows, hooray!). They put my job as a rush at the factory (which is in Loveland, local windows made for altitude). I might have them installed before I leave which would be cracktacular.

Single Track called and said they finished building Jake the Snake (not to be confused with the potential snakes under my patio). I go pick him up tomorrow. New bike!!!!!!!!!

And, last night I got an email from a work colleague who read the first two chapters of my book. I have to admit I haven't done shit on my book, and the idiot Aussies who read it in the UAE made some demoralizing comments, so I was having serious doubts about my idea. My colleague wrote:

"I'm embarrassed that it's taken me so long to get back to you. I read both chapters a few weeks after you sent them to me, and I was so blown away that I couldn't find any words to write back. Then time passed and I thought, "after all this time I have to come up with some spectacular feedback to justify how long I took looking at it." Then more time passed, and it started getting ridiculous.

But today I realized that it would be easy for you to interpret my silence as criticism, indifference, or dislike of your work, so I'm writing to set the record straight. The book is amazing: your writing is clean and personal, your story is compelling and interesting, and the combination of the writing and the story mesh beautifully so it reads as if I'm your best friend and we're catching up on the phone after being out of touch for a little while. Thank you for letting me read it."

That was some encouragement out of the blue, so last night and today I started working on my book proposal again. I mean, shit, I know at least 5 people who will buy it.

Finally, when I woke up at 6 am to sit on the most boring conference call ever, I decided to replace all of my ex-boyfriend photos. Well, I still have a photo of my ex-husband (standing in the shadows of a mosque door frame in Morocco so you can't really see him) and my ex Jonas (shooting a gun in Managua). But, as soon as I take some more pics those are gone too.

And there's a text from Clo. We're going to hang out at my house for an hour and then go to a networking event for geeks in downtown Denver. Software developers are easy for me to socialize with. Compared to them I'm a fucking social butterfly.

monkey money

Because today is my 2 year anniversary with my maid service they brought me an apple pie and two lottery tickets.

I'm not a person who celebrates anniversaries. In fact, I have a hard time remembering my birthday. But, it seemed like a nice gesture. Of course, the apple pie has honey in it, so I'll have to find someone else to give it to. And I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with these fucking lottery tickets.

They have a monkey on the front of them because the funds for the ticket go to a conservation group. That's cool. There doesn't appear to be anything to scratch off of them. There are some numbers at the bottom of them. And then this bewildering statement: "Get 3 like amounts, win that amount. Get two like amounts and a "[picture of a stack of coins]" symbol, win DOUBLE that amount".

Amount of what? There are 6 yellow circles with dollar signs on the ticket but I don't know what they mean. And I looked on the back, which had even more confusing rules about registering for a second chance after the "game launch". How do I know when the game launch is?

I went out on the web site listed on the ticket and couldn't find any reference to these stupid tickets or any lottery game called "monkey money". Then I did a google search and all that came up was an announcement that someone had won a second chance sweepstakes thing and the announcement mentioned that $2 billion dollars had been donated to this conservation group that is being supported by monkey money.

So what am I supposed to do with these fucking tickets? I'm a bit embarrassed that homeless people know how to play the lottery and I don't. I've only had one other lottery ticket, that some guy at work bought me after I was diagnosed with cancer. I accidentally wrapped my gum in it. He asked me about it a few days later and I managed to pull it apart enough for him to see the number on it. I won $20 but when he took it to where ever you go to get your money they wouldn't take my ticket because of the gum. He was so mad that when he got back to the office he said that I owed him $10 because I should have split the ticket winnings since he bought it for me. I gave him the money and threw the ticket away, deciding that the lottery was too expensive to play.

And now I have more stupid tickets. I'll probably end up owing my maids money. I would throw them into the recycling bin but they have a coating and I'm not sure they can be recycled.

I guess I should go back to working...cause it's not like I'm going to win the lottery.

mountain madness

Last night my friend Clo and I went to this stupid mountaineering gala. Four mountaineers of note were being honored. We decided to go because it was a chance to dress up, and I wanted to buy a new pair of shoes.

Unusually for me, I arrived 15 minutes late. I felt bad. I felt worse when I saw Clo. In my stilettos I'm 6'2". Clo is 5 feet before adding heels. She took one look at me and said "I hate you. You're too tall."

I was thinking Clo was going to be a social butterfly because she's from Columbia, but she's as socially retarded as me. We were by far the best looking people there. Which is not saying much. Half the people were dressed in jeans with carabiners hanging from the belt loops. Gay. Then most of the crowd consisted of old ladies, like, over 60. We were like where are the hot guys????

We went over to what we thought were snacks before the dinner. The snacks were a bowl of green olives, a big dish of crab dip, and little slices of ham and cheese mushed together. There were also those little stale bread chips. We were getting hungry and finally Clo asked a waiter when dinner would be served. He looked at her strangely and said "that is dinner". Clo was like "are you fucking kidding me?" The only thing they had to drink was wine, water, and beer. Clo doesn't drink and she really wanted a coke. You would have thought she had asked the wait staff to build her the Taj Mahal. Finally a waiter snapped "if you can wait until 745 (it was 6 PM) we're serving coffee".

A local celebrity climber showed up who gets more and more obnoxious as the years go by. He knows Clo pretty well because she used to date a friend of his. I've met him at a number of events. He wanted us to come back to his friend's house for a hot tub and weed party. We were both like "NO" at the same time. Then we both said "whatever dude!" at the exact same time after he walked away.

There was a hot guy that finally showed up. But, he was wearing a burgundy shirt with a yellow tie and a black sport jacket. Yikes. I also found out a friend of mine, who is constantly hitting on me, has been married for the past 6 years and has a baby. One of Clo's friends went to the wedding. Odd, because I dated him briefly in 2006. I decided to never, ever date a mountaineer again. They are such pieces of shit for the most part.

We finally left, but not before the woman who was running the gala stopped us at the door and asked why we were leaving. I tried to be nice and say we were tired, but Clo was like "we're leaving because it's fucking boring!" I managed to not laugh until the woman walked away. Seriously, it's hard to turn a story about a dramatic ascent of K2 into a snooze fest (one guy caught the rest of his team as they were falling off of a cliff by planting his ax in the snow - it's one of the classic mountaineering stories). I was surprised how bad and boring the speaker, who wrote one of my favorite everest books, was.

We went to a noodle place in Boulder and talked for about 3 hours. We have so much in common that Clo finally said "I feel like you have lived my life, and I've lived yours, but in different places". It turns out we were born only 4 days apart even. She was married and divorced the exact same time I was. We both run into major guy issues all the time.

On relationships, Clo said "you know, some days you're going to be fat, and somedays you are going to be skinny, and guys don't seem to be able to accept that". She wasn't really talking about weight, but how men seem to trivialize our accomplishments down to just what we look like. She also works with a company that sponsor an event called "gimps on ice" for people who are amputees that want to learn to climb. She has dated a number of athletes, and she said that her measure of the man is to see if he has enough going on that if he loses a limb he will be able to keep going. I thought that was a really smart thing to think about.

I'm hoping to see Clo again this week before I leave for DC. She's coming to Denver to pick up a strait jacket to take a picture of this climber dude who looks crazy. She also has some pictures that are going to be published in People magazine. It's inspiring me to start working on my book again.

As we were leaving the restaurant she suggested that we collaborate together on a travel article. She'll take the pictures and I'll write the article. I'm pretty excited about the idea. I'm hoping she really does come visit me when I head back to the middle east.

I think it will be the best fucking travel article ever. The two of us are definitely capable of getting into a lot of interesting trouble.

Joe tries to kill me...again

I seem to be more likely to die trying to drive to an ice climb than actually ice climbing. On Friday I drove up to Montana to visit Joe. He said there was still some ice up at Pine Creek. We took his friend's truck and headed up there Saturday morning, even though it was snowing.

I had not forgotten how scary the Pine Creek road was since I had to drive it last year after a snow. But Joe thought we would be okay in the truck. We got halfway to the parking lot and the truck was pushing snow. We didn't have a place to turn around so we drove all the way to the parking lot. Scary. Then we decided to turn around because the snow conditions were getting worse and we were worried we would get stuck at the trail head. I started making this movie as the conditions got worse.

If I sound a little nervous that's because I was. Nice driving again this year Joe!

eight arms and guns

The other night I had a dream that I was in the galley of a small boat. We were in a war. I was briefing some octopi, there must have been 20 of them, on the war situation. I was standing at a white board drawing diagrams. The octopi were being bad. One would knock something off a shelf and I would run to put it back. As soon as I got to the white board to make more notes another octopus would throw something else on the floor. They kept giggling.

Then a general came into the galley and said "you're up". We all rushed out to the deck and had to duck under the side of the boat because someone was shooting at us. I was like fuck, we're really in a war. I yelled for the octopi to ready their guns. I looked over the side of the boat and a bullet went whizzing by my head. I was like fuck, these guys are serious.

I put my back against the side of the boat and started loading a 9 mm gun (I know, why bother) with bullets. I was giving orders to the octopi, who were being obedient. I thought maybe we'll be okay.

Then I looked to my left and saw the leader of the octopi slumped down against the side of the boat right next to me. He had a scared but determined expression on his face. He was wearing a naval captain's hat. I thought to myself, wow, I didn't know he was a captain. Then I realized how ridiculous he looked in that hat, holding a gun. I thought to myself what the fuck was I thinking trying to take a bunch of octopi to fight a war? I had a sense of dread that we were about to be killed.

Then I woke up.

jake the snake

After doing a 30 mile bike ride on Tuesday, crunched up on Max Crash, I started thinking maybe it was time for a change.

When I bought Max in 2003 I planned on only trail riding. I was between a medium and large frame and the saleswoman suggested going with the medium frame because it would be better for riding trails. Of course, she also sold me these time pedals that caused me to almost kill myself.

After dislocating my shoulder and taking all the skin off my arms and legs after falling into a ravine I never quite got my groove back for riding hard trails. And after fracturing both of my wrists two years ago I stopped riding trails altogether. I've just been using Max to go out for long rides, and he's not the most comfortable little machine for that. I was starting to think ragbrai might turn into the biggest suck ever.

Since I'm getting money back on my taxes my dad, who is the cheapest person on the planet, suggested I buy a new bike. Then someone sent me a picture of a cyclocross bike. A few hours later, after sitting in conference call hell all day, I decided to go to a store and see what was up with the cyclocrosses.

Apparently it's not the "season" for them. Like, what is that? It's a bike, not a bathing suit. But the guy assured me he could order me a bike. I decided to go with the Kona Major Tom since that was what was recommended to me. A flurry of activity then ensued. The sales guy whipped out a tape measure and started measuring me while the store owner did some calculations. They didn't have a bike in the store that they could size me to, and they were going to have to order Major Tom, and they wanted to make sure they got the right size bike. Or so the sales guy claimed as he was measuring my inseam.

"You're all legs, ha ha!" the owner said after commenting on the disparity between my torso and my legs. He got an even bigger laugh about the length of my arms. I'm very self conscious about my arms, and you will never see a picture of me with my arms hanging straight because they are totally disproportionate to my torso and I look like an ape. Just when it seemed I couldn't be humiliated any more they put me on a scale. I was like why would my weight matter for a bike and the owner said "I just wanted to see how much you weighed". Ha. Ha. Ha.

Unfortunately Kona did not have the Major Jake in stock in my size. They said it would be at least 8 weeks until they could deliver the bike. At that point I was already upset to not be taking a new bike home. They told me the only thing they had in my size was Jake the Snake, which is a lesser bike than Major Jake. I was disappointed until I saw that JSnake was almost the same color as Max Crash.

I texted my dad and said that I was about to buy a bike that is probably worth more than my car. He said "buy it!!!!!" I was like maybe I should think about it and he was like "buy it for fuck's sake!!!" I've been talking to him for at least 4 years about buying a road bike.

So I bought JSnake. The store owner listened patiently as I told him how much I dislike snakes. I asked if I would be able to run over snakes with Jake the Snake. He furrowed his brow in all seriousness and said "hmmm, I don't know". Then he said "but you're really going to love this bike!"

The brightest minds don't work in bike shops, I think.

So JSnake is supposed to arrive on Tuesday. My ticket has priority so JSnake is getting put together on arrival. I might have him by Wednesday. My dad called me a few minutes after I left the bike shop to find out what I bought. He's jealous. I wonder if he's going to buy a new bike before ragbrai.

I worry about Max Crash. I don't want him to be sad. Maybe I'll start trail riding again. He can't complain about not getting used though. That bike has a lot of miles on it. There was a time, after I finished school and before I started traveling all the time, when I would ride between 30 to 60 miles a day. I like riding. It makes me not think about anything because I have to watch out for snakes to run over. I've spent more time with Max than any boyfriend I've ever had.

And I've been thinking. The company I work for sucks. So maybe I'll try to find a job local that's close enough that I can ride JSnake there. Then take Max out for a spin when I get home. Then everyone would be happy, most of all me.

So Andy, if you're reading this, I might make the ALS ride this year. Wouldn't that be a shock.

maybe I should let my cacti watch tv

I'm getting really worried about my cacti. Something seems to be wrong with them.

I got my first two cacti 3 years ago. My dad bought them for me because, he said, "even you can't kill them". Unfortunately, a year later, one of the cacti, Natski, died. But Michel lived on, and seemed to flourish. Except, I could tell he was lonely. So I bought him some friends.

Everything was fine for a while, but then, last spring, Michel, who was orange, started to take on a pink hue similar to the color Natski was. I wondered if he was still grieving about her. But he appeared happy with his friends. Then I gave my cacti to Joe while I was in the middle east. Shortly after Joe started bringing skanky bitches home (I'm just kidding, I'm sure they were nice girls even if they did work as strippers), Michel died.

I can't bring myself to throw him away. But then, after arriving home, some of the other cacti started to have problems. St. David Thornstein developed a serious posture problem. Is that normal? Could he have scoliosis? Maybe he needs a bigger pot? Or maybe he's sad because I put him next to a dead cactus. Though, he and Michel were good friends before Michel died.


(St. David Thornstein with Michel)

Just in case SDT was depressed about Michel, I moved him next to Tammy Faye Cactus and Ernie. Then, one of Ernie's um, branches? cactus arms? fell off, as did his flower. Foucault seems to be doing okay, and Tammy Faye appears as happy as ever. I just worry about the three guys. I'm experimenting with different configurations to see if it's just a group dynamics problem. And I put Ernie over by Side Show Bob (my aloe plant) so I could give the other cacti a pep talk and to make sure they knew it was NOT okay to make fun of Ernie since his arm fell off.

Maybe I should put Ernie and Pascal together. Pascal is a tough little cactus, but he's nicer than Foucault (not everyone is into homosexual sadism), and he believes in medical miracles as well as embracing his frivolous side. I think he may be a more positive influence although I don't know if putting Tammy Faye and Pascal together is a good idea. Ernie might end up being super religious. Then he'll fight with St. David Thornstein.


(Tammy Faye Cactus, Foucault, Pascal, and Ernie)

I read an article about a guy named Jonathon Keats who is actually being paid to create tv shows for plants that show the sky of different locations around the world. Among other reasons he thinks that's a good idea is because "plants can't travel". He previously created a video showing bees pollinating plants, and called it plant pornography. He is unsure if his videos are manipulating the plants or not.

I don't know if plant tv or plant pornography is the answer to my cacti problem. Maybe they're jealous that I had two cacti in the UAE, so I won't talk about those cacti anymore and I'm going to take their pictures off the refrigerator. And I should go back to playing John Coltrane during the day when I'm working.

I'm just not sure I want to expose my darling cacti to porn or tv. Which, really, is the same thing, isn't it?

love and genetics

The other week I was hanging out with some other consultants and we had a discussion about love and monogamy. I always start that discussion with any married person I know just because I like to see what people think about the topic.

Recently, based on some guy research and information, I decided that it's impossible for a guy to be in a monogamous relationship, and that women shouldn't take it personally when men cheat on them because men aren't capable of having the same emotional commitment to a relationship that women do, mostly because they will never have to push a person out of their vagina so they don't really get love. They don't understand the emotional implication of sleeping with someone else and that's why they do it.

But then I was talking to Texas, one of my favorite consultants. Well, my favorite now that my italian requirements partner has flown the coop. He got married when he was 19. He's still as in love with his wife as he was when he met her. You can tell by the way he talks about her. He's not one of those guys constantly on the phone or whatever with her or needing to talk to her for every decision (you know, the guy that you look at and are like "whipped, wimp, what are you a woman"). His wife was diagnosed with MS and he's doing everything he can to take care of her too, so it's not like she's totally perfect and therefore easy to love.

I asked him why his marriage has been so successful and how he is still in love with his wife after a billion years of marriage. He said "you have to stick together even when one of you doesn't like the other one, or when you both don't like each other". I asked him how did he do that. He looked at me like I was an idiot and he said "because you love each other and you want it to work out".

So I started wondering if it's the person that is willing to put in the effort to stick it out or is it the person that they are in a relationship with that makes them stick it out. For example, if I were married to NDGT would I stay with him because I'm that kind of person or because I think NDGT is the coolest guy ever? For the record, I think he's married, and I'm not trying to insult his wife. I've been watching my favorite universe again and I just love it when he talks about binary stars. I think NDGT is possibly one of the coolest people on the planet. Besides me, of course. I wish he would invite me over for dinner some night so we could have a conversation somewhere else besides in my head.

Um...where was I...

Oh yeah. So, if anyone knows the answer to my question, can you please post it as a comment. I'm curious.

I once dated a guy who was completely loyal to his wife even after he found out she was having an affair. Finally, though, he couldn't take it anymore and gave her an ultimatum: either dump the affair guy or he was going to leave. She refused to end the affair so he left. I wasn't sure about dating the guy, but everyone kept telling me how loyal and whatever he was.

But, within 3 months of our relationship, he slept with someone else. And sent me an email about it. Like I was supposed to be proud of him. Anyway, shortly afterward the relationship rolled off the proverbial cliff.

I've always wondered if he was an asshole or if he just didn't like me as much as he liked his ex-wife.

trust issues

I'm still really pissed about something that happened with one of my colleagues. I wish I could beat him up, but I can't.

I was training him on my software, and he had the wrong version on his laptop. Since there is limited backwards compatibility, I had him work on an assignment on my computer. He started the assignment and I went outside to smoke a cigarette.

Ten minutes later I came back. The whole time I was smoking I had an uneasy feeling about leaving him on my computer unattended. But, I tend to trust people. I let some kid I barely knew live in my house for free. I let another kid I didn't know stay in my house while I was on vacation with my dad (he was a student in Denver for the DNC). I've only had a few problems. I want to trust people.

Anyway, I told him that I would give him a copy of the new software version so he could work on his own machine. He handed me a USB drive. Normally I just click on the file to be copied and say send it to the USB drive because I don't get into people's personal stuff, and wouldn't look at files on a USB drive. But this time I had to because there wasn't enough room on the USB drive for the software. I asked my colleague what I should do and he told me to delete the recycle bin.

Just out of habit I opened the recycle bin to make sure I wasn't permanently deleting files the customer gave to my colleague that I didn't have a copy of. Imagine my surprise when I found a bunch of MY files from a folder on my computer called "personal". The files included bank statements I had downloaded for my taxes as well as my W-2.

I was like I don't fucking believe this. I wiped out everything on the USB and copied the software. Then my colleague started talking about how he encrypts everything on his computer so no one can steal it. I thought that was strange. I made a comment about people stealing files and how it sucks that you can't trust anyone. I really wanted to confront him and then punch him in the face. The circumstances, not worth explaining here, prevented that.

Now I wonder what I should have done. How could someone do that, and worse, how could a supposed colleague of mine do that?

Some people really, really suck.

stupid babies

Along with many other issues I have with Delta, I am tired of their moronic assignment of seats.

If an airline won't ban kids under 5 so that the rest of us don't have to listen to them screaming and crying during a long flight, at least they could put all the kids in one place on the plane, preferably as far away from me as possible. And all of us business travelers should get the front of the plane, because we don't take 5 minutes to pull our luggage out of the overhead bin once the plane door is open.

But no. Delta does stupid shit like always putting me next to the mom carrying an infant on her lap. And then they put her in the middle seat. Like yesterday, when I was flying home from Montreal.

I was approaching my seat, which was towards the back of the plane, and could hear a baby crying. I was like why me god? There was the infant and mom, in the middle seat in my row. I don't exactly have a poker face so I'm sure the mom knew I was NOT happy. Meanwhile the rest of the plane had a lot of empty middle seats. So this mom could have had two seats, but instead they crammed her in with me and a fat woman who was at the window. I asked the steward to move me to a middle seat, but none of the fucks who had an empty seat between them would agree to let me sit there. I was like they didn't pay for that seat so why should they get to decide if I sit there, and the steward said "because those empty middle seats are not your assigned seat". Are you fucking kidding me?

I tried to put myself in a happy place as the plane was being de-iced. The kid was flailing around, dripping goo on me and grabbing my burberry scarf. I closed my eyes and pretended I wasn't there. The fat woman at the window said "If you need room you can put your baby's feet on my lap. I don't mind. I have 5 children of my own." The mom mumbled something, and the fat lady said "Well, some people don't have children, so they don't know how to act."

I was like FUCK YOU. This is a PLANE, NOT a nursery. I work long hours, and spend a lot of time on planes. I am NOT there to entertain a 10 month old for 5 hours. I am there to sleep because I'm tired.

Then the fat woman pointed out the baby had thrush, which is some kind of rash. She warned the mom to be careful touching the baby spit because it can spread. I was like great, since the baby had drooled all over my hand. Then the mom mentioned the baby was getting over a cough and earache. Like I can afford to get sick. If I was hit by a car my clients would still be calling me like "can you come over and fix our software even though you are immobilized from the neck down?"

I luckily just bought new noise canceling ear buds and was listening to my stop smoking CDs. Suddenly I realized my row smelled like a toilet. The mom, who was sitting half in my seat anyway, with the thrush covered baby's head resting on my leg, tapped me rather hard, and rudely, with her finger.

I took out my ear bud. She proceeded to ask me if I would stand up so she could change her baby's diaper on my seat. I said "there's changing rooms in the plane bathroom". She got pissed and called over the steward. He told her "we want you to do that in the bathroom". I think he felt sorry that he hadn't let me change seats.

I am absolutely disgusted by people who change their baby on a seat plane. How would they like it if I took a shit on their seat? It's a plane, not a trailer park. And you can get diseases from shit. For fuck's sake people.

She changed the baby 2 more times after that. I guess his cold had moved to his ass. She spilled a bottle of baby goo all over my coach purse. I wiped it off without saying anything. Then she sat the baby facing forward and propped a People magazine on his head and proceeded to read it as he reached over into my seat back and ripped up my new yorker. I had already read it, but she didn't know that. She didn't say a word. I was even more pissed. Yeah, I'm not helpful, but she's a great mom for using her kid's head as a book stand.

Our flight circled DEN for an extra hour because of the storm yesterday. I was ready to scream. No one would have noticed because the baby was screaming. Finally we landed and as soon as the seat belt sign was off I got up and into the aisle. I had been on planes for over 9 hours by that point. I wanted to go home.

I leaned over and asked the mom if I could get anything out of the overhead bin for her. I always do that when I have the aisle seat. The fat woman said "oh, now she's being helpful". I looked at her and said "I'm right here, so if you have something to say, say it to me." Everyone turned around to see what was going to happen. I was not the only person on the plane who had been annoyed by the baby crying.

The fat woman didn't say anything to me. Instead she turned to the mom and said "let me give you my phone number". Fucking freak.

For the record, I have helped many moms trying to get their luggage and kids to their cars or get their luggage off the baggage claim. I've carried their shit down the plane ramp and moved to a shit seat so all the parents and kids could sit together. I just don't understand why anyone would fly with a sick kid. And why anyone would fly with a kid and not get a fucking seat for aforementioned kid. I didn't volunteer to give up half my seat. She just took it. And assumed I'd be okay listening to her kid screaming. When you're a parent you get used to that shit. For everyone else, it's hard.

Please. Stop flying with your kids if you can't control them. Don't change your kids on the seat. And don't assume everyone else cares that junior is having a bad day. Believe me, people just want him to shut the fuck up.

Thus ends the tirade. I feel better now.

attack of the zombie cats

I had the worst dream last night.

In the dream I was walking through the village of Copacabana, on the shore of Lake Titicaca. I was looking for something, but I don't know what it was.

I went down a narrow street and was confronted by a growling cat that was bloody and disfigured. I threw a rock at it and it ran away. But suddenly there were more cats, all grotesque and with huge chunks of fur missing. They started biting me. I had to kick them and stomp on their heads to kill them. One of the cats wouldn't die so I stepped on its chest and the cat's body burst open and I could see its rib cage and still beating heart.

I looked at my legs and arms, which were covered in bite marks and blood. I started to worry that I was going to turn into a zombie because I was bitten by zombie cats. I wondered if I was going to die.

Then I woke up. I have no idea what that dream was supposed to mean.

biodome and insects

Yesterday I went to the biodome (which was built for the olympics here, and took 20 years to pay off) and the insectarium, which is the largest collection in the world of insects.

The day started off rather challenging. I was going to walk to the biodome but was told it was too far and that I should take the metro. So I went to the metro and spent 10 minutes trying to read the directions in french for buying a ticket. I couldn't get the machine to work so I went to a kiosk. The woman sent me to another kiosk across the metro station. I walked over with my little subway map and said, to the woman in the kiosk, "I'm going to the Viau stop". She pointed to a stairway and said "it's down there". I was like "that's great, but how do I buy a ticket?" and she said "you buy it here".

We stared at each other for a few minutes, and then I said "well, where do I buy a ticket?" She got all excited and said "here, of course!" I was like why the fuck didn't you give me a ticket to begin with? I got an all day ticket, and it's a scratch off affair with the day, month, and year. Then I tried to put the ticket in the ticket slot at the turnstile. It didn't fit. So I went back to the kiosk and asked what I was supposed to do. The woman said "Show the ticket to me, and I open the turnstile." I stood there for a few minutes while she examined the exact same ticket she had issued me. She finally let me through.

I went to the biodome first. It was interesting but way too crowded. There were so many people with baby carriages that you couldn't get close to anything. I watched the penguins for a while. One pushed another one into the water. That was funny.

Then I set out to find the insectarium. Everyone said it was close to the biodome. Close, in relative terms. I had to walk through a park to get there. Then this woman yelled at me because I bypassed the ticket line (I already had a ticket). She stopped me and said "where are you going?" I was like "to see the insects". She said "do you see this line?" I said "the line of people to buy tickets?" and she said "yes". I said "if I have to wait in that line (which was really long) that defeats the purpose of buying a ticket in advance, doesn't it?" She said "I don't understand you" and waved me through. Everyone else was getting a stamp on their hand, but she didn't give me one.

Again, the insectarium was way too crowded. All the displays were set up for kids so I had to lean over to look at stuff, which was hard considering how many kids were there. My favorite thing was either the bug that looked like a branch or this orange and black tarantula. It was really bright orange.

Today I walked around old town Montreal. I went down there for dinner on Wednesday, and then a guy was shot the next day in front of the restaurant I went to. It was a mafia hit. The mafia is pretty active here, and everyone blames the US/New York.

Whatever.

I head home on Tuesday, and hope it has stopped snowing here by then. It's weird being in cold weather after the UAE.

Canada, what's up with that?

So, honey cigarettes? What's up with that? Why would anyone except a canadian put honey in a cigarette?

The queen? What's up with that? I bet you didn't even know Canada had a queen. She's the grand daughter of a slave. I'm not sure how she became queen, or what she does, but Canada has a queen.

Why do they have a queen, you may be asking. Because Canada, as it turns out, is still part of the british empire or some shit like that. Britain doesn't get to tell them what to do anymore, but their queen talks to Canada's queen. Crazy, I know. It explains the weird spellings of everything here.

brits, breaking the law again

In case you thought I was exaggerating about how strict things are in the UAE...

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/100314/n_top_news/cnews_us_emirates_kissing

when your colleague is a menace

Something that really irritates me is when work colleagues invite me to hang out with their families.

I know that probably sounds bad. But seriously, I have to put up with unruly screaming kids at the airport and in hotels. Why would I voluntarily hang out with them?

I'm not exactly an extrovert. I'm pretty shy. It's very difficult for me to spend all day with a client that I've just met. I get some pretty hostile and hard to work with people on my engagements, and at the end of the day all I want to do is go back to the hotel and work out and then spend the evening reading or writing. The pressure is worse when I am not only working with a client but training someone to do my job because I have two people that need my time.

And after working with a colleague, I don't want to hang out with their family. Inevitably the wife is glaring at me all night, sure I'm having an affair with her husband even though he's always fat, bald and unattractive (seriously, if I worked with good looking men, I wouldn't be single, would I). I guess the kids sense the hostility and that causes them to behave badly. I'm supposed to sit there and smile while the kids either behave like total heathens or the parents scream and yell at them to behave.

Do I want to experience my work colleague physically or verbally abusing his kids? No. Do I want to have to make nice with his wife to assure her we have so much in common even though she's a stay at home mom who doesn't even watch the news? No. I don't have much in common with these women that my colleagues tend to marry. I don't give a flying fuck about their kids' soccer scores or what prestigious elementary school they got into. I don't want to see their fucking crayon drawings. I want to go home and have a glass of wine in a quiet room so I can get ready for the next day of client torture.

If I wanted kids, I would have them. I don't want them. I want to spend as little time around them as possible. I sometimes think these colleagues feel sorry for me and that's why they try to invite me for dinner. But I like traveling (most of the time). I like to be alone.

Or, maybe they want to torture me and force me to experience how much of a big suck it is to come home to a loud dirty house and not be able to have an intelligent conversation. But, if you chose that life, it's your tough shit. I don't want to waste MY time putting up with that kind of shit.

To be fair, it's not always the kids and the wife that suck. Some times it's just the wife. But it's never a fun experience for me.

So, if you're ever contemplating inviting an out of town colleague out with your family, why not drop a hint that the invitation is there and let your colleague take the lead on whether or not to hang out with you. If the colleague doesn't say anything, or seems to be making excuses, fucking drop it. Don't hound your poor colleague every day to hang out with you because it will just annoy the fuck out of your colleague.

I should also mention that I'm not going to eat food you bring in just because you brought it. Stop trying to foist your stupid chocolate cakes and doughnuts on me. I don't eat them because I hate them. And stop trying to convert me to your religion. It's not going to happen.

Ech. Why do so many annoying people work as consultants?

my dreams should be in a museum

On Friday night I had a really bad dream. I was on a flat roof in a city like new york city, but not quite. Everything was cartoon colors. I looked up in the sky and saw 7 planes (red and white) flying in formation. They looked like toys, and the sky was a turquoise blue. I suddenly realized they were robot planes and that they were going to kill me. Then the roof turned into a v shaped roof with tiles. I was grabbing the tiles as I slid off the roof but they kept breaking. I fell over the side of the roof.

I woke up laying on the sidewalk. I was paralyzed. Then I saw these two men walking towards me. I was really scared because I knew they were bad guys. One guy leaned over me. He had this crazy beard and his facial features were distorted and almost not human. I realized, as his face got closet to me, that he was evil, and that if his face touched me I would become evil as well. But I couldn't move away from him because I was paralyzed.

Then I woke up.

Oddly, on Saturday I went to the museum of modern art, and saw a piece of artwork made out of wire, metal, and toys. It was a toy plane diving towards a woman who was looking up at the plane. And, there was a movie that I watched, which was made to look like a 1920s silent movie. In the movie people kept coming in to a bar wearing these animal heads made of paper maiche. They would get into fights with each other. Then the movie would flash to a guy with distorted features who would shake his head from side to side. The movie was creepy (like something David Lynch would dream up) but the guy with the distorted features was almost like the guy in my dream.

Strange.

squid vs. ketchup potato chips

My friend Pete G. sent me this article this morning (thank you PG!!!!):
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-shark7-2010mar07,0,5015116.story

While I agree with one of the comments that what is presented here as new information is actually old news, I liked the way this article portrayed great whites. And, going way back to Banff, it made me think again about why I like great whites. I guess it's in part because I'm like a great white (except I don't eat squid because I'm allergic).

-great whites migrate 1,600 miles to eat squid; I have been known to drive pretty far to eat sushi (one time driving from Estes Park to Baltimore straight so I could get to this sushi place because it was Friday when I left Estes Park and the sushi place was closed on Sunday, so I had to get there by Saturday)
-great whites are popular and inscrutable - sounds like me
-great whites are sharks that come to the coast, but don't live there - I fly to the coasts often (east and west) but wouldn't live in either place again (unless I was super rich)
-great whites are described in the article as "Nomads but not outlaws, they yearn for a home" - and I am a britishly anointed nomad, who would like a home, even though I have one, but it doesn't count because I'm never there - also, if it weren't too much to ask, I'd like a home that didn't need so many repairs

Also, I will take this moment to mention that I bought a bag of french canadian potato chips. I thought they were something else, because they had a tomato on the front of them (the title of the bag was "President's Choice" and then it said "Assaisonnees" and under that was a tomato - I was like hmmm, if the president eats this, maybe I should too - I thought it was going to be something exciting). It turns out they are ketchup flavored potato chips. That's right, ketchup.

For fuck's sake canada...what's wrong with you guys? That has to be one of the most disgusting things I've put in my mouth. Lately.